Irrational jealousy?

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I am 46 and our friends are starting to turn 50. We have been casually invited on some trips at inconvenient times so we have not gone. We have 3 kids and not empty nesters. In 4 short years, I will have one kid in college, one kid in high school and one in middle school. We could definitely make arrangements then to go away on a big trip for our friends or our 50th birthday.

My youngest is currently 7. I do not consider her a young child. DH and I have left our older two kids home with grandparents and nanny when they were 4 and 6. I think of babies and toddlers as young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it helps, plan a trip for yourself to get a break from parenting.

+2

Do this instead of festering in passive-aggressive resentment

[Anonymous]

I think OP is a troll or is obscuring some important details. But my advice would be to hire help when your DH is regularly away for work and find a way to get your own weekend off and do something fun for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of ours held his 50th birthday abroad. It was couples only. We have all been friends for 20 years. We are the only ones with a young child. My husband went and joined the 5 couples. I stayed back alone to be with the kids. I’m quite resentful of my husband and especially the birthday person. He half-heartedly said I could bring my kid but I know it would be inappropriate and it’s smack in the middle of the school year. Am I just being irrational with jealousy of everybody? Not just my husband?

Why?

And why on earth are you resentful of the birthday person? They planned the party they wanted. It was their birthday, so they had every right to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can afford to celebrate someone's birthday overseas but you can't find some to care for your kid while your gone?

I did not feel comfortable leaving my young children with a babysitter for almost a week while I was on different continent. Other friends all have older kids or family that could cover.

Ok, that was your choice. Are you blaming your friend for...turning 50 when you had a young kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It’s normal to feel left out, but you obviously cheerfully told your husband to take the trip. Be generous and plan your own trip with friends or a personal indulgent spa day. Try and feel grateful you have the resources to take getaways and enjoy your beautiful children. It is so easy to feel resentful in a marriage fight the urge.

If this was our situation, DH would've said to get a sitter for a week, and if I said I wasn't comfortable with it, he would've said then that was up to me.

We were gone for 4 days for a wedding in MX when DCs were like 10 and 13. Left them with my sister who graciously came down to be with them. But, if she couldn't have done it, I think DH would've gone by himself.

10 and 13 for four days and you would have only left them with your sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like a martyr, and this is a mess of your own making.
You could have gotten a babysitter or flew family in to watch them.
You could have used your voice and told him you were uncomfortable with him going.
You could have hired a nanny and brought them+dc along.

But instead, you choose to stay home and are now pissed at yourself for it. Stop blaming someone for having a birthday or wanting to celebrate or go on a vacation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I recognize that I probably am a martyr.

Trip location was in Africa last week smack in the middle of school. We are in DC. No parents to look after kids if I skip town/continent. I think I should have been clear with my husband that it was not okay for him to join the couples trip and ditch me. Who does that? I do feel alienated by the trip organizer and especially his wife. It was not like they paid for anything. And it is well known in the social circle that I am the one that has a full time job but still does the lions share of the child rearing since husband is always traveling. Right now he iin London for pleasure and work. He will be out for three weeks.

Why should someone pay for you to attend their birthday trip? Either go or don't, but don't expect them to pay for you. Honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social IQ Lesson 101

Life’s not always fair.

Also is your child is so young you can’t leave with a sitter why do you keep bringing up that the trio was during the school year? Obviously the other parents didn’t have an issue with this and made it work.

The other parents don't have young kids and/or most are out of the house. OP already stated that.

OP also didn't feel comfortable leaving kids a whole week with a sitter.

-not op

So she should own that choice and stop complaining. It was a reasonable option that she chose to decline.

Yes, this. Pick a lane. You don't want to leave your kids at home. Fine. Then you don't get to go on the trip. Life is full of trade-offs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I recognize that I probably am a martyr.

Trip location was in Africa last week smack in the middle of school. We are in DC. No parents to look after kids if I skip town/continent. I think I should have been clear with my husband that it was not okay for him to join the couples trip and ditch me. Who does that? I do feel alienated by the trip organizer and especially his wife. It was not like they paid for anything. And it is well known in the social circle that I am the one that has a full time job but still does the lions share of the child rearing since husband is always traveling. Right now he iin London for pleasure and work. He will be out for three weeks.

This is the crux of your issue. Your ire at the trip organizer is misplaced--they may have chosen the dates based on cheap airfare and wanted to avoid school holidays.

But the real issue is that your H does not pull his weight and is thoughtless to boot. You need to be clear with yourself what you can put up with, and you also seem mad at yourself for not speaking up earlier. He will take advantage of you being the mature one every time, so better set boundaries going forward. The question is, why didn't you speak up and tell him it's not okay?

OP. Agree I should set boundaries. And thank you to all those that are adding in their $0.02z


But my friends especially the girl-friends are aware that he takes advantage of being the responsible parent so I do feel a bit double crossed.

So what did you expect them to do? Invite you but not him? It was a couples trip. They invited couples. Your bad marriage isn't their problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social IQ Lesson 101

Life’s not always fair.

Also is your child is so young you can’t leave with a sitter why do you keep bringing up that the trio was during the school year? Obviously the other parents didn’t have an issue with this and made it work.

The other parents don't have young kids and/or most are out of the house. OP already stated that.

OP also didn't feel comfortable leaving kids a whole week with a sitter.

-not op

So she should own that choice and stop complaining. It was a reasonable option that she chose to decline.

She wanted her DH to be understanding, and also not go without her. I can understand that. IMO, a man who does this is basically ignoring his wife's feelings both about leaving the kids at home and being left with the kids while he goes and has fun. Yea, I get that unless OP told him this, he wouldn't get it, but I guess OP thought he *should* feel this way without her telling him, but that isn't how it works. I've finally figured out after 20+ years of marriage, two kids (15 and 19) that men have much lower EQ and don't feel the same way about parenting that moms do.

So why should the husband stay home if he was fine leaving the kids with a sitter for the week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it helps, plan a trip for yourself to get a break from parenting.

+2

Do this instead of festering in passive-aggressive resentment

+3

I have 3 kids including a big age gap so that we were still dealing with a baby/toddler while friends of ours had older kids. There were a few times when the last was a baby that my DH was able to go to a wedding or fun trip/event that I couldn’t make. Sure I had a fleeting moment of wow wish I could have been there.

So once I weaned and felt ready to go do my own thing again, I planned girls’ trips and solo things for myself. Also while my DH was out of town, I hired sitters so I could get a break and wasn’t resentful from 24/7 work and parenting. I still deserved down time even while he was out of town.

The only real issue here is if OP’s DH was either blowing the family’s travel budget on a friend’s birthday so that they couldn’t do anything as a family that year or if her DH refuses to watch the kids so that she can go away and do something fun too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you think it’s okay to leave a 6 year old with a babysitter and have both parents jaunt off to Africa for a week? Sorry but no.

Your kid is 6 and you're complaining about the school year?!?

Also, it's easier to travel when your kids are in school because they're occupied for most of the day. So if they had planned the trip in summer you'd be whining about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I recognize that I probably am a martyr.

Trip location was in Africa last week smack in the middle of school. We are in DC. No parents to look after kids if I skip town/continent. I think I should have been clear with my husband that it was not okay for him to join the couples trip and ditch me. Who does that? I do feel alienated by the trip organizer and especially his wife. It was not like they paid for anything. And it is well known in the social circle that I am the one that has a full time job but still does the lions share of the child rearing since husband is always traveling. Right now he iin London for pleasure and work. He will be out for three weeks.

Why should someone pay for you to attend their birthday trip? Either go or don't, but don't expect them to pay for you. Honestly.

OP has a husband marriage problem. I’m not sure why the birthday man or his wife wife would cater to OP at all. It is a man’s 50th birthday. OP’s husband is the birthday man’s friend and was invited to a fun trip to Africa.

OP sounds like a pain in the ass.

I would plan my own trip and have Dh take care of the daughter. Go on your own trip and stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you think it’s okay to leave a 6 year old with a babysitter and have both parents jaunt off to Africa for a week? Sorry but no.

Your kid is 6 and you're complaining about the school year?!?

Also, it's easier to travel when your kids are in school because they're occupied for most of the day. So if they had planned the trip in summer you'd be whining about that.

How would it being in the summer help OP and this trip? It would be easier for caregiver to take care of a child who is in school all day. Also a 6 year old could miss a week of school.