Angry at sibling for abdicating her role

[Anonymous]

I love how unanimous we all are about this.

Signed,

Someone who is caregiving for her MIL right now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hmm, I can see why your sister did what she did. We are doing the lion's share of the work with my aging MIL and while the sibling is helping, it's not to the same level at all.

I think you should give your sister some grace and it sounds like it's time for you two to step up.

I feel the same way -- I am the sister who is doing all the work and sometimes I am at the end of my rope and fantasize about just leaving and letting the other 2 deal with it. Because its just so easy for them to not to anything right now. I have literally told them I don't think I can do this anymore and they don't step up. Your turn OP.

I wish we could be friends IRL. same boat and I’ve said the same to my siblings w/ no stepping up from them. I also dream of running away like OPs sister and leaving my dead-beat siblings to manage.

OP- not only are YTA— frankly, you should be thanking your sibling for all they’ve done now that you have some slight idea how hard the past 5 yrs have been for them!

[Anonymous]

Let me see, you and your other sister sat back on your bums for five years and happily let your other sister care for mom 100 percent! Yes, you're the ass. karma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:hmm, I can see why your sister did what she did. We are doing the lion's share of the work with my aging MIL and while the sibling is helping, it's not to the same level at all.

I think you should give your sister some grace and it sounds like it's time for you two to step up.

I feel the same way -- I am the sister who is doing all the work and sometimes I am at the end of my rope and fantasize about just leaving and letting the other 2 deal with it. Because its just so easy for them to not to anything right now. I have literally told them I don't think I can do this anymore and they don't step up. Your turn OP.

I wish we could be friends IRL. same boat and I’ve said the same to my siblings w/ no stepping up from them. I also dream of running away like OPs sister and leaving my dead-beat siblings to manage.

OP- not only are YTA— frankly, you should be thanking your sibling for all they’ve done now that you have some slight idea how hard the past 5 yrs have been for them!

Me three, and I wanted to add—when you are the primary caregiver or even primary person responsible for care, you have zero time or bandwidth to sit down and think of ways your siblings can be helpful, approach that person, and wait for them to follow through. The onus needs to be on the less involved siblings to discuss and offer concrete ways to help. And then actually do it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you'd get a lot more sympathy starting with "Grateful to sibling for doing so much for 5 YEARS, need suggestions for how we take over." If you can't be there enough, hire help. Wait until you see how expensive it is to hire out what you she did. You need to thank her profusely.

[Anonymous]

What is amazing is that if OP's sister had NOT moved, the sister would be dealing with their elderly mom with Alzheimers and a broken hip on a daily basis and OP would not see anything wrong with that situation at all.

That's why she moved. Now you all have to figure it out together and you can't default to "well Sister 1 is closer."

Also, I assumed this was going to be a situation where your sister had depended on your mom for a long time and was now suddenly refusing to help with her elder care. I have that situation in my family and it's frustrating. My sister chose to live near my parents and used them for housing, free childcare, jobs for her and her husband, for decades. Basically from when my parents were early 50s until they were late 70s. Suddenly, as my parents health is failing, my sister is angry with them and not speaking to them. THAT is abdicating a role. My sister was very happy to be the "close daughter" when it benefited her, but now that my parents need help, she's decided their "enmeshed" and she needs to "set boundaries." How very convenient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you'd get a lot more sympathy starting with "Grateful to sibling for doing so much for 5 YEARS, need suggestions for how we take over." If you can't be there enough, hire help. Wait until you see how expensive it is to hire out what you she did. You need to thank her profusely.

It's easier to blame someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted about this a while ago. My mother chose a CCRC near Sister 1 about 5 years ago. Three miles away from her. It was the best option available at the time. Apparently she put down $175k. Two+ years later she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

Sister 2 and I each live at least 1.5 hours away. Well, S1 decided last fall to move 800 miles away for no apparent reason. They didn’t have jobs, the schools there are worse, etc. Nothing about it makes sense. It’s possible S1 was tired of taking care of mom, but she only ever asked us for help at the very last minute. We all have kids 13 & under, jobs, etc. so it was impossible to drop everything for a day trip just to run mom to a doctor appt unless we had notice well in advance.

S1 moved in the last month and all hell broke loose. Mom fell, is in the nursing unit and now we have to move her again into assisted living. I spent 4 hours in the rain and horrible beltway traffic last weekend going up there. Everything about the trip was miserable.

Oh and did I mention that when S1 told us she was moving, she essentially dropped everything having to do with mom?

I am livid with my sister for just dumping this on us for no reason. It would have been easier to accept if she had even bothered to acknowledge what a massive burden she was dumping on us that is logistically a nightmare. Or if there had even been a job relocation. We have already looked into moving mom, but she can’t afford to move. Her deposit has fully amortized. So we (S2 and I) are screwed.

Mom is confused often, and depressed. I probably had the most distant relationship with her of the three of us and I have little desire to visit more than once a quarter, though I do try to call every other week.

AITA for wanting to b14ch out my sister? I am so angry.

YTA.
The bolded is what she's been dealing with for FIVE FUCKING YEARS. How dare you get upset at her for wanting a break. You are so selfish, expecting your sister to do everything while you and your other sibling sit on your asses and watch? Seriously, how dare you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister doesn’t owe it to you to care for mom because it’s not convenient for you. She put in her time. It’s very easy to become burned out as a caregiver. Since I have been a SAHM for many years, everyone in the family assumes I am the person to depend on. I played along because I did want to help and recognized my siblings had full-time jobs. But after years and years, I literally lost myself. I remember when my mom was in hospice and I would ask a sibling to come and they were too busy quite often. When a close non-parent family member fell and ended up bouncing between hospitals and the nursing home for years, completely dependent, neither were willing to visit or help in any meaningful way. Nobody seemed to recognize the stress of having to handle tearful calls constantly, liaison with caregivers, take over finances, advocate for quality care and then make time to visit in person regularly. Now that my family member is somewhat stable, I’ve decided to go back to work. It’s time for me to focus on my own needs. I even found myself fantasizing about picking up and leaving the area for a time.

Just to be clear, I love all my family members and will do what I can to support them. But i will not support their careers at a cost to my own life and happiness.

Wow, you sound like such an angel for your family. They may not appreciate what you're doing, but it's really amazing. From a random stranger, thank you for giving so much of yourself to those people <3

[Anonymous]

I am the sister who peaced out. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

You post about this ALL.THE.TIME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My favorite part is how you say you are the most distant of the three and prefer to only see her quarterly but S1 should have been delighted being the sole caregiver. You are something else.

She complains about her mom constantly. I feel so bad for the mom.

Yay for the sister who peaced out.

[Anonymous]

OP has run off and will not respond, because she’s not hearing what she wants to hear.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is a slave and has to ask your permission before she can move?

[Anonymous]

Angry at sibling for abdicating her role


Hmm, so you're talking about yourself, here, OP? Yes, your sister has every right to be mad at you for not stepping up all these years.

Now it's 100% your job, because you didn't step up and think of creative ways to contribute, despite the distance.

Funny how that works. Consequences, OP.