Angry at sibling for abdicating her role

[Anonymous]

Hire a case manager to check on your mom, advocate, have people to go to appointment with her while you FaceTime in and visit when you can. Wait till you see how expensive it is to hire someone to do what your sister did for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My favorite part is how you say you are the most distant of the three and prefer to only see her quarterly but S1 should have been delighted being the sole caregiver. You are something else.

Hey now, OP "tries to call" a couple of times a month. Heroic!

[Anonymous]

Some elders don't have S1
or S2 or S3

The facility can arrange "stuff" that needs to get done ...

[Anonymous]

OP,

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Your sister at least cared for your mother for 5 years.

What have YOU done? NOTHING EXCEPT COMPLAIN!

Lazy whiner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some elders don't have S1
or S2 or S3

The facility can arrange "stuff" that needs to get done ...

This.

If she is in a facility, won’t they provide for her medical care? If no, then you need a new facility.

Also as harsh as it is, you don’t want to care of her now , and you are pissed you have to do something to get her above average medical care, maybe you need to just accept accept you are ok with average or slightly below health care and that may not result in longevity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My favorite part is how you say you are the most distant of the three and prefer to only see her quarterly but S1 should have been delighted being the sole caregiver. You are something else.

Hey now, OP "tries to call" a couple of times a month. Heroic!

Exactly.
OP, you say S1 moved away “for no apparent reason”—yet the reason is pretty apparent. She was doing this by herself for 5 years. You say she could have hired help. So why don’t you and your other sister hire help now?

[Anonymous]

WOW, so much to unpack here....being the sole caregiver is akin to being the "patient" that you are caring for...so much confusion, angst, sadness, etc. and typically the caregiver just gets burnt out...yes she could have asked for help but seeing your approach to all of this I can see why she didn't....especially if she's a conflict avoider so she did it ALL until she couldn't and purposefully moved away...not for "no apparent reason" but to force you guys to stand and deliver for your Mom. Obviously S1 felt this was her only option.

Telling her off won't help the situation, but I guess you can to get it off your chest and then immediately move on. For now, pretend she DID ask for help and now it's your turn...you'll have to eat the financial loss and hire help that is needed for your Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am having a hard time empathizing with you. Aren't you mad at your sister for not doing what you don't feel like doing even though she's been doing it for years without you? You could move closer to your mom, or you could have helped more but you don't want to. Well, sounds like, neither does she.

100% agree. It’s your turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually can’t move closer because of my DH’s job.

She could have asked for help or we could have hired it.

So this is what you do now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually can’t move closer because of my DH’s job.

She could have asked for help or we could have hired it.

So this is what you do now.

This. Seems like the obvious solution.

Also, I am going to speculate that S1 *did* ask for help, and it wasn't forthcoming. OP doesn't seem particularly eager to provide help for her mother, and would be less likely to do so when there's a sibling nearby who could do it much more conveniently. And the fact that OP didn't hire help now suggests that she wouldn't have been eager to do so previously.

[Anonymous]

I hope you do tell her off, OP, because it will give her the opportunity to respond in kind. And she's got a lot more ammo than you do. Buckle up.

[Anonymous]

Sis living in town likely wouldn't have prevented Mom's fall. My grandma fell and broke her hip while out for a walk with my two aunts, her dog just pulled on the leash and she fell. It wasn't my aunts' fault at all.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP, you had to drive through the rain to take care of your mother. My sympathies! 🙄

[Anonymous]

In my family one sibling did all the care while the other did nothing; however the non-contributing sibling sent a generous monthly payment to the caregiving sibling without being asked. What did you do?

[Anonymous]

1.5 hrs drive is not far, you don’t do it because you don’t want to.