Are there really men whose dream it is to have their wife not need to work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys in their 20s/30s who are pushing hard for wife to SAH and pop out babies quickly are weird in the day & age. Usually have massive control issues and unhealthy relationship with their own mother. It's sketchy AF. It almost feels dangerous, because it puts the wife in a position where she is utterly dependent on her DH. I know husbands like this and I'm always giving a bit of side-eye.

There's a big difference between the scenario above and guys who are open to their DW staying home, but not demanding of it. At the end of the day, its a two-party decision where both spouses have equal say and there's no pushiness. This feels more balanced.

If you marry and have kids later in life (mid to late 30s), it seems they are less likely to SAH. They already have good career and set in their ways.

That is what they want. Only scary men want this in 2024.

[Anonymous]

What people are missing is that OP is talking about a man who just wants to make enough money that his wife does not HAVE to work. She could work, but his plan is to make enough that they have the flexibility to set their life up in the way that works for them, whether that's dual income with nannies or her taking some extended maternity leaves or her become a SAHM for all or part of their kids lives. Options. Who does not want options?

Men do not get pregnant or give birth or breastfeed, they don't go through the massive hormonal changes having kids works on a woman. So to me, a man who says he wants to give his wife the option of not working IF SHE CHOOSES is sexy AF, because he's recognizing that if they have kids, she's going to do something he can't do, so he's looking for ways to make it easier. That's awesome. Many/most men don't think about their wife or family unit that way, as being something they can plan for and support. Many memories take it for granted that their wives will have kids and go right back to work like it was nothing. A lot of men come late to the realization that we ask a lot of women when it comes to building families, and basically their wives have to educate them on it on the fly, like her actually it's kind of a big deal to ask me to go back to working 40 hours weeks given what my body and brain and emotions just went through.

OP wants an unselfish man who wants kids and wants to give his family options. That sounds hot. She never said she wanted a man who wouldn't allow his wife to work, or even that her goal was to SAHM for the rest of her life. She just wants a man who wants to do asuch to provide for his family as his wife does in doing the work of having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My exH really got off on being “a provider” and it was a status thing for him to have a SAH wife. It made sense for me at the time, but I was foolishly lulled into a false sense of complacency and when he divorced me, I was effffffffed. Some of these guys really like that power and control – even if it doesn’t manifest that way early on.

I was a fool.

I was going to say something to this effect. A man who openly broadcasts* he wants to have a wife who can choose whether to work or SAH is someone who is into showing his status as a high earner.

Which means he is probably into status in other areas. I would be prepared to “bounce back” after kids and maintain a trophy wife image because I don’t think a man like that is going to be okay with a wife hanging onto 20 extra pounds post-kids. And be on the lookout for him to have his eye on younger women who come along.

*This is not the same thing as a man who has a private discussion with his partner about financial/lifestyle priorities and decides on a spouse SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My exH really got off on being “a provider” and it was a status thing for him to have a SAH wife. It made sense for me at the time, but I was foolishly lulled into a false sense of complacency and when he divorced me, I was effffffffed. Some of these guys really like that power and control – even if it doesn’t manifest that way early on.

I was a fool.

I was going to say something to this effect. A man who openly broadcasts* he wants to have a wife who can choose whether to work or SAH is someone who is into showing his status as a high earner.

Which means he is probably into status in other areas. I would be prepared to “bounce back” after kids and maintain a trophy wife image because I don’t think a man like that is going to be okay with a wife hanging onto 20 extra pounds post-kids. And be on the lookout for him to have his eye on younger women who come along.

*This is not the same thing as a man who has a private discussion with his partner about financial/lifestyle priorities and decides on a spouse SAH.

Eh, I don't think a man who says this is automatically going to be the kind who is super obsessed with you gaining weight when you have kids or looking to cheat.

I think some men who say this come from families where either this is what you are supposed to do (provide enough money to support your family, whether your wife works or not) or they didn't come from a family like that and it caused strife (maybe his mom had to work super hard and his dad refused to or left them). There are reasons aam want want to do this that have nothing to do with status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What people are missing is that OP is talking about a man who just wants to make enough money that his wife does not HAVE to work. She could work, but his plan is to make enough that they have the flexibility to set their life up in the way that works for them, whether that's dual income with nannies or her taking some extended maternity leaves or her become a SAHM for all or part of their kids lives. Options. Who does not want options?

Men do not get pregnant or give birth or breastfeed, they don't go through the massive hormonal changes having kids works on a woman. So to me, a man who says he wants to give his wife the option of not working IF SHE CHOOSES is sexy AF, because he's recognizing that if they have kids, she's going to do something he can't do, so he's looking for ways to make it easier. That's awesome. Many/most men don't think about their wife or family unit that way, as being something they can plan for and support. Many memories take it for granted that their wives will have kids and go right back to work like it was nothing. A lot of men come late to the realization that we ask a lot of women when it comes to building families, and basically their wives have to educate them on it on the fly, like her actually it's kind of a big deal to ask me to go back to working 40 hours weeks given what my body and brain and emotions just went through.

OP wants an unselfish man who wants kids and wants to give his family options. That sounds hot. She never said she wanted a man who wouldn't allow his wife to work, or even that her goal was to SAHM for the rest of her life. She just wants a man who wants to do asuch to provide for his family as his wife does in doing the work of having kids.

Yes, this is what I'm reading, too. And my husband is like this -- he created a situation where I can work if I want to, take time off with the kids if I want, too, etc. it does feel like a form of love and support.

His mom is a super accomplished doctor and everyone in the larger family is feminist... But having the option to not work when the kids are young is a huge, huge gift. That's what OP is talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What people are missing is that OP is talking about a man who just wants to make enough money that his wife does not HAVE to work. She could work, but his plan is to make enough that they have the flexibility to set their life up in the way that works for them, whether that's dual income with nannies or her taking some extended maternity leaves or her become a SAHM for all or part of their kids lives. Options. Who does not want options?

Men do not get pregnant or give birth or breastfeed, they don't go through the massive hormonal changes having kids works on a woman. So to me, a man who says he wants to give his wife the option of not working IF SHE CHOOSES is sexy AF, because he's recognizing that if they have kids, she's going to do something he can't do, so he's looking for ways to make it easier. That's awesome. Many/most men don't think about their wife or family unit that way, as being something they can plan for and support. Many memories take it for granted that their wives will have kids and go right back to work like it was nothing. A lot of men come late to the realization that we ask a lot of women when it comes to building families, and basically their wives have to educate them on it on the fly, like her actually it's kind of a big deal to ask me to go back to working 40 hours weeks given what my body and brain and emotions just went through.

OP wants an unselfish man who wants kids and wants to give his family options. That sounds hot. She never said she wanted a man who wouldn't allow his wife to work, or even that her goal was to SAHM for the rest of her life. She just wants a man who wants to do asuch to provide for his family as his wife does in doing the work of having kids.

Op here . Yes, it’s interesting the response my post is triggering so many women.

A young man who has the empathy and wisdom to foresee the challenges and consequences of his wife becoming pregnant and what that means for her and their children is a rarity and a gem. Plus to have the will and the ability to make a lot of money to provide her and their family with options during this critical time. To stand up and say, hey, you will already be doing a lot by taking on the burden of birthing a child, I will contribute by making enough money to give you options. You don’t have to be forced to work for money. You can take this time to heal and rest and rise your baby. If you want to return to work, you can but it should not be another burden.

To find this kind of man… wow what a lucky girl!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What people are missing is that OP is talking about a man who just wants to make enough money that his wife does not HAVE to work. She could work, but his plan is to make enough that they have the flexibility to set their life up in the way that works for them, whether that's dual income with nannies or her taking some extended maternity leaves or her become a SAHM for all or part of their kids lives. Options. Who does not want options?

Men do not get pregnant or give birth or breastfeed, they don't go through the massive hormonal changes having kids works on a woman. So to me, a man who says he wants to give his wife the option of not working IF SHE CHOOSES is sexy AF, because he's recognizing that if they have kids, she's going to do something he can't do, so he's looking for ways to make it easier. That's awesome. Many/most men don't think about their wife or family unit that way, as being something they can plan for and support. Many memories take it for granted that their wives will have kids and go right back to work like it was nothing. A lot of men come late to the realization that we ask a lot of women when it comes to building families, and basically their wives have to educate them on it on the fly, like her actually it's kind of a big deal to ask me to go back to working 40 hours weeks given what my body and brain and emotions just went through.

OP wants an unselfish man who wants kids and wants to give his family options. That sounds hot. She never said she wanted a man who wouldn't allow his wife to work, or even that her goal was to SAHM for the rest of her life. She just wants a man who wants to do asuch to provide for his family as his wife does in doing the work of having kids.

Yes, this is what I'm reading, too. And my husband is like this -- he created a situation where I can work if I want to, take time off with the kids if I want, too, etc. it does feel like a form of love and support.

His mom is a super accomplished doctor and everyone in the larger family is feminist... But having the option to not work when the kids are young is a huge, huge gift. That's what OP is talking about.

Same, my DH is this too. He gives me full support and flexibility to do what I want. It’s been a huge stress relief for the entire family to be home while kids are young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What people are missing is that OP is talking about a man who just wants to make enough money that his wife does not HAVE to work. She could work, but his plan is to make enough that they have the flexibility to set their life up in the way that works for them, whether that's dual income with nannies or her taking some extended maternity leaves or her become a SAHM for all or part of their kids lives. Options. Who does not want options?

Men do not get pregnant or give birth or breastfeed, they don't go through the massive hormonal changes having kids works on a woman. So to me, a man who says he wants to give his wife the option of not working IF SHE CHOOSES is sexy AF, because he's recognizing that if they have kids, she's going to do something he can't do, so he's looking for ways to make it easier. That's awesome. Many/most men don't think about their wife or family unit that way, as being something they can plan for and support. Many memories take it for granted that their wives will have kids and go right back to work like it was nothing. A lot of men come late to the realization that we ask a lot of women when it comes to building families, and basically their wives have to educate them on it on the fly, like her actually it's kind of a big deal to ask me to go back to working 40 hours weeks given what my body and brain and emotions just went through.

OP wants an unselfish man who wants kids and wants to give his family options. That sounds hot. She never said she wanted a man who wouldn't allow his wife to work, or even that her goal was to SAHM for the rest of her life. She just wants a man who wants to do asuch to provide for his family as his wife does in doing the work of having kids.

Or OP is selfish and does not want to work. It is all about the woman and only about the woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What people are missing is that OP is talking about a man who just wants to make enough money that his wife does not HAVE to work. She could work, but his plan is to make enough that they have the flexibility to set their life up in the way that works for them, whether that's dual income with nannies or her taking some extended maternity leaves or her become a SAHM for all or part of their kids lives. Options. Who does not want options?

Men do not get pregnant or give birth or breastfeed, they don't go through the massive hormonal changes having kids works on a woman. So to me, a man who says he wants to give his wife the option of not working IF SHE CHOOSES is sexy AF, because he's recognizing that if they have kids, she's going to do something he can't do, so he's looking for ways to make it easier. That's awesome. Many/most men don't think about their wife or family unit that way, as being something they can plan for and support. Many memories take it for granted that their wives will have kids and go right back to work like it was nothing. A lot of men come late to the realization that we ask a lot of women when it comes to building families, and basically their wives have to educate them on it on the fly, like her actually it's kind of a big deal to ask me to go back to working 40 hours weeks given what my body and brain and emotions just went through.

OP wants an unselfish man who wants kids and wants to give his family options. That sounds hot. She never said she wanted a man who wouldn't allow his wife to work, or even that her goal was to SAHM for the rest of her life. She just wants a man who wants to do asuch to provide for his family as his wife does in doing the work of having kids.

Op here . Yes, it’s interesting the response my post is triggering so many women.

A young man who has the empathy and wisdom to foresee the challenges and consequences of his wife becoming pregnant and what that means for her and their children is a rarity and a gem. Plus to have the will and the ability to make a lot of money to provide her and their family with options during this critical time. To stand up and say, hey, you will already be doing a lot by taking on the burden of birthing a child, I will contribute by making enough money to give you options. You don’t have to be forced to work for money. You can take this time to heal and rest and rise your baby. If you want to return to work, you can but it should not be another burden.

To find this kind of man… wow what a lucky girl!

I don't need a man to tell me what I need or don't need. Chivalry is out-dated. My husband can stand behind me or underneath me but not in front of me or above me. I'm a modern woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m listening to the Happiest Girls podcast by Cate Kulcsar who is a TikToker. She had her husband on the podcast who is a young man. 30 years old or so and who proposed to her when he was 27? He said that his dream is that his wife didn’t need to work but could if she wanted to and to make herself happy. He would like her to have the space and ability to take care of their kids and herself when she’s pregnant.

…like what??? How are there such masculine and generous men out there??? Obviously in this case, he was snatched up so quickly!

How can I find a man like that?

Yeah! Masculine and generous and controlling and misogynistic!

How can you find one? Hit your local mega church.

This! In the South especially, but you'd better expect to be a 2nd class citizen in your own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there women out there that have the same dream for their men? Because I don’t love going to the office every day, and would happily have the choice not to.

I am amazed at how old-fashioned Americans sense of gender roles are compared with my home country.

But men don't get pregnant and give birth. I think people really underestimate how big of a deal it is for women to have kids. I did, before I had them. Now I totally understand why a woman would want a man like described.

Motherhood is labor in a way fatherhood isn't. Unless that changes, these gender disparities will persist.

That is the point. In many UMC houses there is no disparity in this after birth. Marry a better quality of man and raise better quality men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m getting divorced and DH still wants me to be able to stay home with the kids and is paying me lifetime alimony.

Now this sounds like a unicorn!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ my husband was poor with a single mom working two jobs.

He wouldn’t even dare a woman without a career. He is very attractive, fit and highly intelligent.

For us, intelligence and wit is a turn on as is pulling your weight in an egalitarian household.

His mom was a feminist. All women in my UMC family always had a career age the men were very involved in family life. My dad was a fabulous cook and coached all of our teams.

Feminist and SAHM are not mutually exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feminist Genx boomer stuff is dying out , it was a lie And caused the dusk income trap

Tell that to the GenX gray divorces I'm seeing with the SAHMs left with bread crumbs in their 50s-60s.

Trad wifes will see it in 20 years and then half to get their *sses out to compete with workers more than 1/2 their age for entry level jobs.

Half their age and twice their experience!

But they can churn butter and make paper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feminist Genx boomer stuff is dying out , it was a lie And caused the dusk income trap

Ever Gen Z I know have great jobs and education and have no intention of living off the dole... but they do expect H's to be 50/50. All the ones with children had H who took 3-6 months paternity and are equal partners in parenting.

Wrong country! We don't have the dole!

Yes some do.