Are there really men whose dream it is to have their wife not need to work?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't call it his dream, but DH made it clear when we were pregnant with our first that if I wanted to stay home he'd make it work. I still WOH, but I can't say that his mindset doesn't take some of the pressure off - in fact it led to me leaving a firm and taking a chance on a riskier startup role, which is a good fit.

[Anonymous]

Of course! You don’t have any idea how much easier it is to have a successful career when someone else is taking care of life’s sh$t for you? I just had two male colleagues talk about how they get so much positivity from having a dog, but joked about how their wives were upset that they did all the dog related work yet the dogs loved the husband more. I have other male colleagues whose wives take care of all of their dry cleaning. Plus handle all the bill paying, house repairs, vacation planning, etc.

[Anonymous]

I love working (not a workaholic but just really enjoy it), and if I end up making as much money as I’m on track to, would happily have my husband stay home. Currently however we have student debt, car loan, mortgage, trying to finance our kids college - we need every $ we can get.

Life is super expensive. I hope to be making $500k+ in seven or so years; provided we have relative stability in the meantime, I would be thrilled for my husband to be able to retire/be a SAHD.

Money is a renewable resource. Time is not.

[Anonymous]

I think the bottom line is that a marriage is a partnership, and both partners should talk about how best to split the duties to move the team forward. It isn't about you, it's about the team.

[Anonymous]

Yes, pls stay home and do everything so I can continue to focus on myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please make sure you have your own retirement savings. So many women I know were SAHMs until divorce happened.

You should get half of his retirement savings in a divorce. The bigger issue would be lack of current income.

[Anonymous]

The feminist in me dies a little bit more each time I think about this, but I took 1 year off to focus on a kid's health issue and it turned into 10 years of SAHM because it just works so much better. Our lives are easier, the weekends are enjoyable, the kids thrive, my DH's career took off (because he could work late and travel whenever needed). DH never had a preference and assumed I'd want to pursue my successful career but of course he loves it now because of all the things it took off his plate.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I talked about it before having kids and we both agreed that ideally I would stay home with our kids. We both had grown up with this model. I stayed home for fifteen years while he built a business. It worked well for us because it allowed him to focus more on his business, not having to worry about any kid pickups/groceries/paperwork, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please make sure you have your own retirement savings. So many women I know were SAHMs until divorce happened.

I spent years working in domestic violence advocacy (no, it's not all physical - there are many situations where the violence is coercive control and financial abuse) and also in family law, and I saw many, many women lose nearly everything in midlife when children were grown and husband dumped them for a younger model. Even those who worked often worked much lower paying, flexible jobs while being primary parent and no, in the real family courts of America with working and middle class people getting divorced, there is not a big settlement of alimony and assets - there is an assignment of debts, possibly selling the family home, and two people walking away to start over with only one of them having the earning power to live really decently.

Women who eschew a solid career with potential to earn retirement etc. are taking a very big gamble. Many of the marriages that do persist are miserable, but a lot of women choose that over poverty in their middle and elder years.

[Anonymous]

Im also a DW and id love if DH stayed home. But he gets a lot of intellectual stimuli from work so he has to keep going. I make more and he WFH so he does kid pickup from school and a lot of the activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please make sure you have your own retirement savings. So many women I know were SAHMs until divorce happened.

I spent years working in domestic violence advocacy (no, it's not all physical - there are many situations where the violence is coercive control and financial abuse) and also in family law, and I saw many, many women lose nearly everything in midlife when children were grown and husband dumped them for a younger model. Even those who worked often worked much lower paying, flexible jobs while being primary parent and no, in the real family courts of America with working and middle class people getting divorced, there is not a big settlement of alimony and assets - there is an assignment of debts, possibly selling the family home, and two people walking away to start over with only one of them having the earning power to live really decently.

Women who eschew a solid career with potential to earn retirement etc. are taking a very big gamble. Many of the marriages that do persist are miserable, but a lot of women choose that over poverty in their middle and elder years.

^ that happened to my neighbor who was a SAHM and caught cheating at 50. Lost everything and no job prospects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ my husband was poor with a single mom working two jobs.

He wouldn’t even dare a woman without a career. He is very attractive, fit and highly intelligent.

For us, intelligence and wit is a turn on as is pulling your weight in an egalitarian household.

His mom was a feminist. All women in my UMC family always had a career age the men were very involved in family life. My dad was a fabulous cook and coached all of our teams.

+1

I married a man who was happy if I stayed home after we were married BEFORE we even had kids. We are both from UMC families and this just wasn’t my family’s modus operandi. He wanted kids right away after we got married and I told him he was crazy and that I didn’t get a Ph.D. to be a baby breeder. He knew who he married and fully understood this. I first wanted to be settled in a career, live in a nice well put together home, and have travelled the world. Six years later after we did all those things we had our first. We got a full time nanny and had a housekeeper. Three more kids and 22 years later we are still very happily married. And I contribute about half of our 800k income each year.

OP - these guys exist. I know several of them. You meet them when YOU are in graduate, medical, or law school. The catch is - they RARELY marry women who just want the lifestyle - actually I don’t know any who married such a woman, although some of the women ended up as SAHMs, it wasn’t the initial plan they had.

yep. we married at 28 and waited 7 years to have our two kids (healthy, normal pregnancies, no fertility issues). 25 years later--two homes in two of the best DMV neigbhorhoods paid off. Oldest headed to private college next year. We both WAH. I was able to WAH from the time my first child was born due to having 10-years in the office and seniority.

I have close to $2.5 million in my own retirement account (and that doesn't include our other IRAs, investment savings and the $1.3 million accrued in home equity since we bought both homes.

It feels safe. My mom and dad taught us to always have our own income because you never know what life will throw at you. My sister has 3 kids and worked part-time until her youngest was in HS and then ramped it up to full-time prior to retirement. I was lucky with my WAH and flexibility--once my kids hit pre-school I didn't need a nanny/daycare, etc. I had a husband that was equally involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ my husband was poor with a single mom working two jobs.

He wouldn’t even dare a woman without a career. He is very attractive, fit and highly intelligent.

For us, intelligence and wit is a turn on as is pulling your weight in an egalitarian household.

His mom was a feminist. All women in my UMC family always had a career age the men were very involved in family life. My dad was a fabulous cook and coached all of our teams.

You’re making A LOT of assumptions about those of us who do not prioritize having a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there women out there that have the same dream for their men? Because I don’t love going to the office every day, and would happily have the choice not to.

I am amazed at how old-fashioned Americans sense of gender roles are compared with my home country.

Agree this OP is so regressive. In other countries women are grateful to have opportunities that prior generations didn't.

The point is CHOICE, people!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ my husband was poor with a single mom working two jobs.

He wouldn’t even dare a woman without a career. He is very attractive, fit and highly intelligent.

For us, intelligence and wit is a turn on as is pulling your weight in an egalitarian household.

His mom was a feminist. All women in my UMC family always had a career age the men were very involved in family life. My dad was a fabulous cook and coached all of our teams.

+1

I married a man who was happy if I stayed home after we were married BEFORE we even had kids. We are both from UMC families and this just wasn’t my family’s modus operandi. He wanted kids right away after we got married and I told him he was crazy and that I didn’t get a Ph.D. to be a baby breeder. He knew who he married and fully understood this. I first wanted to be settled in a career, live in a nice well put together home, and have travelled the world. Six years later after we did all those things we had our first. We got a full time nanny and had a housekeeper. Three more kids and 22 years later we are still very happily married. And I contribute about half of our 800k income each year.

OP - these guys exist. I know several of them. You meet them when YOU are in graduate, medical, or law school. The catch is - they RARELY marry women who just want the lifestyle - actually I don’t know any who married such a woman, although some of the women ended up as SAHMs, it wasn’t the initial plan they had.

yep. we married at 28 and waited 7 years to have our two kids (healthy, normal pregnancies, no fertility issues). 25 years later--two homes in two of the best DMV neigbhorhoods paid off. Oldest headed to private college next year. We both WAH. I was able to WAH from the time my first child was born due to having 10-years in the office and seniority.

I have close to $2.5 million in my own retirement account (and that doesn't include our other IRAs, investment savings and the $1.3 million accrued in home equity since we bought both homes.

It feels safe. My mom and dad taught us to always have our own income because you never know what life will throw at you. My sister has 3 kids and worked part-time until her youngest was in HS and then ramped it up to full-time prior to retirement. I was lucky with my WAH and flexibility--once my kids hit pre-school I didn't need a nanny/daycare, etc. I had a husband that was equally involved.

$2.8 million in home equity...meant the appreciation was $1.3 million.