Are there really men whose dream it is to have their wife not need to work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What people are missing is that OP is talking about a man who just wants to make enough money that his wife does not HAVE to work. She could work, but his plan is to make enough that they have the flexibility to set their life up in the way that works for them, whether that's dual income with nannies or her taking some extended maternity leaves or her become a SAHM for all or part of their kids lives. Options. Who does not want options?

Men do not get pregnant or give birth or breastfeed, they don't go through the massive hormonal changes having kids works on a woman. So to me, a man who says he wants to give his wife the option of not working IF SHE CHOOSES is sexy AF, because he's recognizing that if they have kids, she's going to do something he can't do, so he's looking for ways to make it easier. That's awesome. Many/most men don't think about their wife or family unit that way, as being something they can plan for and support. Many memories take it for granted that their wives will have kids and go right back to work like it was nothing. A lot of men come late to the realization that we ask a lot of women when it comes to building families, and basically their wives have to educate them on it on the fly, like her actually it's kind of a big deal to ask me to go back to working 40 hours weeks given what my body and brain and emotions just went through.

OP wants an unselfish man who wants kids and wants to give his family options. That sounds hot. She never said she wanted a man who wouldn't allow his wife to work, or even that her goal was to SAHM for the rest of her life. She just wants a man who wants to do asuch to provide for his family as his wife does in doing the work of having kids.

Op here . Yes, it’s interesting the response my post is triggering so many women.

A young man who has the empathy and wisdom to foresee the challenges and consequences of his wife becoming pregnant and what that means for her and their children is a rarity and a gem. Plus to have the will and the ability to make a lot of money to provide her and their family with options during this critical time. To stand up and say, hey, you will already be doing a lot by taking on the burden of birthing a child, I will contribute by making enough money to give you options. You don’t have to be forced to work for money. You can take this time to heal and rest and rise your baby. If you want to return to work, you can but it should not be another burden.

To find this kind of man… wow what a lucky girl!

You are reading too much into it. It could be cute and amazing. It could be controlling and egotistical. It’s odd he didn’t say I wish to make enough money so neither of us have to work if we don’t want to. It’s odd he doesn’t want to see his kids.

I think it’s better now that both spouses take maternity/paternity leave than my 1 being there. I think it’s better for men to be more engaged. I think it’s better for men to not be do stressed (look at murder/suicide/etc rates in men).

Sure it’s cute but it’s an odd slanted fantasy looking through 40 yo eyes , 👀 20/20 vision sees how incredibly naive or even creepy it sounds

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there women out there that have the same dream for their men? Because I don’t love going to the office every day, and would happily have the choice not to.

I am amazed at how old-fashioned Americans sense of gender roles are compared with my home country.

Agree this OP is so regressive. In other countries women are grateful to have opportunities that prior generations didn't.

Many people in the United States never had the opportunity to take care of their own children. There’s a whole demographic who only experienced life through the lens of constant work.

This is true for many minorities and can be true for lower income whites as well.

In that context the opportunity to take care of your body and your own children can feel very revolutionary.

This has been the case for my family, it took close and extended family a while to come to terms with my not working.

I could never make a personal recommendation to work or not as so many do, so cavalierly. I don't know if they have the privilege of safe and fulfilling employment or financial protections as a sahm. I don't know if their mental health is affected negatively by not working or working. I don't know what their daily lives and children's needs are. Many people dole advice on both ends based on the trauma they've witnessed or experienced.

[Anonymous]

Sorry he’s only 30*

[Anonymous]

I'm dating a woman who married a man who wanted a stay-at-home trophy wife. He divorced her when she pushed to go back to work. She had a successful career in Asia and decided to move here for him, but he stopped respecting her career once they were married. His loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My exH really got off on being “a provider” and it was a status thing for him to have a SAH wife. It made sense for me at the time, but I was foolishly lulled into a false sense of complacency and when he divorced me, I was effffffffed. Some of these guys really like that power and control – even if it doesn’t manifest that way early on.

I was a fool.

I was going to say something to this effect. A man who openly broadcasts* he wants to have a wife who can choose whether to work or SAH is someone who is into showing his status as a high earner.

Which means he is probably into status in other areas. I would be prepared to “bounce back” after kids and maintain a trophy wife image because I don’t think a man like that is going to be okay with a wife hanging onto 20 extra pounds post-kids. And be on the lookout for him to have his eye on younger women who come along.

*This is not the same thing as a man who has a private discussion with his partner about financial/lifestyle priorities and decides on a spouse SAH.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My exH really got off on being “a provider” and it was a status thing for him to have a SAH wife. It made sense for me at the time, but I was foolishly lulled into a false sense of complacency and when he divorced me, I was effffffffed. Some of these guys really like that power and control – even if it doesn’t manifest that way early on.

I was a fool.

This was my DH too. Same happened to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feminist Genx boomer stuff is dying out , it was a lie And caused the dusk income trap

Ever Gen Z I know have great jobs and education and have no intention of living off the dole... but they do expect H's to be 50/50. All the ones with children had H who took 3-6 months paternity and are equal partners in parenting.

Wrong country! We don't have the dole!

Yes some do.

The only dole we have is the brand that makes pineapple juice. There's a culture difference in the women who comes as immigrants living off a different country's social security to live in a foreign country. Wierd thay you think this could possibly be what a young woman in DMV would be aspiring to do - marry a foreigner, get a different citizenship to entitle her for a dole, divorce, move back to the DMV and somehow stay on a foreign country's social security. Your a strange bird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My exH really got off on being “a provider” and it was a status thing for him to have a SAH wife. It made sense for me at the time, but I was foolishly lulled into a false sense of complacency and when he divorced me, I was effffffffed. Some of these guys really like that power and control – even if it doesn’t manifest that way early on.

I was a fool.

This was my DH too. Same happened to me.

And he didn’t leave me for another younger or prettier woman. Just like the previous poster pointed out-He was just so into status. And as our life went on - he and I clashed about this. He got sick of me criticizing him for being status obsessed. Cars. Travel. Etc. so he dumped me. But now he’s alone. Unfortunately he spent all our money so we are now both worse off. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there women out there that have the same dream for their men? Because I don’t love going to the office every day, and would happily have the choice not to.

I am amazed at how old-fashioned Americans sense of gender roles are compared with my home country.

But men don't get pregnant and give birth. I think people really underestimate how big of a deal it is for women to have kids. I did, before I had them. Now I totally understand why a woman would want a man like described.

Motherhood is labor in a way fatherhood isn't. Unless that changes, these gender disparities will persist.

That is the point. In many UMC houses there is no disparity in this after birth. Marry a better quality of man and raise better quality men.

What makes it possible is money though. When families have less money, they wind up relying more heavily on the unpaid labor of women to make it work. UMC couples can create egalitarian marriages because they have enough income to solve any disparities with money, if necessary. And maybe some of these UMC families have female breadwinners, but most either have both parents who are earning well, or one very high earner.

Which means most of the families you are talking about have exactly what OP is talking about-- men whose wives *could* choose not to work, if they wanted or needed to. So these women could take an extended maternity leave, or take unpaid leave during pregnancy, if they felt it was needed, and it wouldn't somehow throw things all out if whack.

I also think that family support/help can make it easier to have an equal marriage, because it can relieve three pressure. If you knew there wasn't going to be that kind of support, it might be one even more important to have a higher income. Money makes equality more accessible in marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dating a woman who married a man who wanted a stay-at-home trophy wife. He divorced her when she pushed to go back to work. She had a successful career in Asia and decided to move here for him, but he stopped respecting her career once they were married. His loss.

Yep. She became a commodity to be acquired and just like the fancy car once you own it it loses the allure.

[Anonymous]

Yes

I worked my but off to make it so my spouse would not have to work. I don't wish working upon anyone, why would I want my house to have to work?

Having one spouse not working makes everything easier. Life logistics, events, travel.

I feel that our relationship has also benefited tremendously. Lunch/day dates are great. Even just going to the grocery store in the middle of the day when we feel like instead of cramming it into a busy weekend or late night removes stress and urgency.

Anything that I can do or we can do together to make life (especially DW's) as stress free as possible, I am all in.

Relationship run into issues when one partner thinks because they work they are relieved of all other responsibilities. My wife is better with the hands on stuff. I am better at the big picture stuff. I plan travel, make and go to Dr. appointments, do school pick up and drop off, handle a good chunk of other logistics and life needs.

[Anonymous]

My wife is a SAHM. She has an advanced professional degree and worked for years at a high level and prestigious job, so she certainly could have continued making a lot of money.

I wouldn't say it is my "dream" to have my wife not work. But she wanted to stay home when she had our first, and she's been home with them since. I am definitely happy about it because I think it has been great for the whole family.

The kids have really flourished. Things are so much more relaxed around the house. Her extra time has really allowed me to stay much more involved with the kids and household, so this is not a case with only one engaged parent.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My husband never wanted me to work. We married in our early 20s (after we graduated uni) and I've spent most of my life following him around the globe for his job, raising our children, and now he's able to retire rather young. We plan to settle down for a few more years to finish launching the children, then go back to being opulent nomads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes

I worked my but off to make it so my spouse would not have to work. I don't wish working upon anyone, why would I want my house to have to work?

Having one spouse not working makes everything easier. Life logistics, events, travel.

I feel that our relationship has also benefited tremendously. Lunch/day dates are great. Even just going to the grocery store in the middle of the day when we feel like instead of cramming it into a busy weekend or late night removes stress and urgency.

Anything that I can do or we can do together to make life (especially DW's) as stress free as possible, I am all in.

Relationship run into issues when one partner thinks because they work they are relieved of all other responsibilities. My wife is better with the hands on stuff. I am better at the big picture stuff. I plan travel, make and go to Dr. appointments, do school pick up and drop off, handle a good chunk of other logistics and life needs.

Well said. The same in my house, married for 19 years, 4 children, we're very happy.

Interdependence is a crucial thing. Independence and dependence are both enemies of happy marriages.

I rely on my wife and think she is priceless and irreplaceable. She relies on me and tells me the same.

You all hedging your bets in case of divorce sound tiresome and miserable. Burn your ships, be all in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm dating a woman who married a man who wanted a stay-at-home trophy wife. He divorced her when she pushed to go back to work. She had a successful career in Asia and decided to move here for him, but he stopped respecting her career once they were married. His loss.

Yep. She became a commodity to be acquired and just like the fancy car once you own it it loses the allure.

There can be both. My wife is unbelievably smart, great mom, I respect her immensely. She is also incredibly gorgeous and plays in the trophy wife role. Naturally submissive and she is always dressed immaculately.