Go on a date while married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand you, OP.

I watch movies with one of my male friends, exactly as I watch movies with my best (female) friend. I make time to chat with another male friend, just like I do with other female friends.

There can definitely be a slight frisson to male-female friendships, that there isn't in same-gender ones (for us heterosexuals). But my friends and I are very clear that there will be no cheating. This goes for both my husband and myself. He's welcome to socialize with female friends without me and experience that frisson.

If you're experiencing frisson with someone of the opposite sex, that's not normal, platonic friendship and is best avoided.

[Anonymous]

I understand the struggle/desire. I suffer from depression and that sense of novelty from romance can be really rejuvenating. I don't get the same feeling from experiencing other new things (like buying a new item, traveling somewhere new, etc).

One time I had an on-site interview that felt like a date. It was several hours and one-on-one. we had a lot of chemistry. It was crazy how good it felt! Probably for the best that I did not get that job.

Maybe this is why people do drugs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Pretty inappropriate, TBH.

It also sounds like cheating to me if you are having butterflies and getting excited for your date.

I mean, you know this.

They can both have butterflies as long they know to then go home and have fun with their respective spouses.
That works for a LOT of couples.
It's just that OP expressed it in a rather provoking way.

Reads like an attempt to justify testing the waters for a potential affair, and a setup to fall into an emotional affair even if it never gets physical.
And yes, emotional affairs are a real thing. They aren't just a "frisson" of fun to spice up your marital bedroom back home. They can do actual damage.

Yeah, well, I've been doing this for years and no harm done. Married 20 years, kids in high school and college. Circle of good friends.

Live a little, people! You only have one life.

"Doing this for years"? You mean, flirting in the sense of stoking romantic/attraction feelings, with other men? I agree with the previous poster who pointed out that your "No harm done, married 20 years" does not insulate you from ending up with harm done. And why you think that having older kids and a "circle of good friends" magically makes it fine is...beyond me. Comes off as smug: "I get the romantic thrill and still have a great marriage and life!" This is the kind of shrugging arrogance that ends up hurting yourself or someone else. Either that, or your ability to pursue flirtation without any actual emotions ever happening might indicate you're pretty divorced from feelings.

Ha ha ha ha! You hate that I'm happy and at ease with my values and lifestyle. Your reaction doesn't say anything about me so much as it says something about your own fears and insecurities. I've had lots of crushes in my life, and can control myself. Crushes are meant to be enjoyed, not feared. You flirt a little, and at the end of the day, you go home to your spouse. My husband is free to do the same. I want him to enjoy his life.

I've been on DCUM for more than 10 years, and I've noticed the relationship forum is populated by extremely socially conservative posters. You rival the Taliban in your views of who/when/where women can socialize with. Your entire value system is rooted in a woman's apparent lack of emotional control. The Fashion forum is also a favorite target: I'm sure it's the same posters who grouse about women dressing younger than their age, wearing bikinis or mini-skirts past their 20s, etc. I suspect these women are terrified their husbands are going to leave them for women who are confident and attractive and live their life how they want. The arrogance of these women! How dare they be happy and carefree!

In short, everything you write, PP and others, smacks terribly of insecurity and internalized misogyny. That's actually a huge problem, which sadly I'm sure you can't even perceive.

DP and I think thou doth protest too much, yes? I don’t care or judge you for playing with 🔥🔥🔥, go ahead but don’t be surprised when you get burnt. Been there, done that, nothing to be proud of or write home about.

Being attractive isn’t a big accomplishment either, a lot of us are attractive and stylish and get a lot of male attention- it doesn’t make you a better or more vibrant human being just because men want to get in your pants. You are just projecting like crazy.

+1

Well put, PP.

I'm one of the people to whom that projecting PP is responding. You nailed it. She's highly invested in a self-image where she's "happy and carefree!" and anyone who dares say she might be courting trouble "rivals the Taliban" and is rife with "fears and insecurities." Protesting too much indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty inappropriate, TBH.

It also sounds like cheating to me if you are having butterflies and getting excited for your date.

I mean, you know this.

They can both have butterflies as long they know to then go home and have fun with their respective spouses.
That works for a LOT of couples.
It's just that OP expressed it in a rather provoking way.

Reads like an attempt to justify testing the waters for a potential affair, and a setup to fall into an emotional affair even if it never gets physical.
And yes, emotional affairs are a real thing. They aren't just a "frisson" of fun to spice up your marital bedroom back home. They can do actual damage.

Yeah, well, I've been doing this for years and no harm done. Married 20 years, kids in high school and college. Circle of good friends.

Live a little, people! You only have one life.

"Doing this for years"? You mean, flirting in the sense of stoking romantic/attraction feelings, with other men? I agree with the previous poster who pointed out that your "No harm done, married 20 years" does not insulate you from ending up with harm done. And why you think that having older kids and a "circle of good friends" magically makes it fine is...beyond me. Comes off as smug: "I get the romantic thrill and still have a great marriage and life!" This is the kind of shrugging arrogance that ends up hurting yourself or someone else. Either that, or your ability to pursue flirtation without any actual emotions ever happening might indicate you're pretty divorced from feelings.

Ha ha ha ha! You hate that I'm happy and at ease with my values and lifestyle. Your reaction doesn't say anything about me so much as it says something about your own fears and insecurities. I've had lots of crushes in my life, and can control myself. Crushes are meant to be enjoyed, not feared. You flirt a little, and at the end of the day, you go home to your spouse. My husband is free to do the same. I want him to enjoy his life.

I've been on DCUM for more than 10 years, and I've noticed the relationship forum is populated by extremely socially conservative posters. You rival the Taliban in your views of who/when/where women can socialize with. Your entire value system is rooted in a woman's apparent lack of emotional control. The Fashion forum is also a favorite target: I'm sure it's the same posters who grouse about women dressing younger than their age, wearing bikinis or mini-skirts past their 20s, etc. I suspect these women are terrified their husbands are going to leave them for women who are confident and attractive and live their life how they want. The arrogance of these women! How dare they be happy and carefree!

In short, everything you write, PP and others, smacks terribly of insecurity and internalized misogyny. That's actually a huge problem, which sadly I'm sure you can't even perceive.

I agree. It's very "Mike Pence will not have dinner with a woman."

[Anonymous]

Wow what is this did we travel back to thd 50’s? It’s perfectly fine for women to have friends who are men regardless of their marital status.

Some of you sound like the Taliban.

[Anonymous]

If it’s a male friend, coffee is fine. If you are calling it a date, it’s more than just friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coffee with male friends even single ones? No problem! Thinking of it as a date and hoping to flirt? Big problem!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow what is this did we travel back to thd 50’s? It’s perfectly fine for women to have friends who are men regardless of their marital status.

Some of you sound like the Taliban.

Did you not read the original post? She said she misses the excitement of early romance/infatuation stage. That’s playing with some major fire if dude feels the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow what is this did we travel back to thd 50’s? It’s perfectly fine for women to have friends who are men regardless of their marital status.

Some of you sound like the Taliban.

The ability to read a paragraph from beginning to end must have escaped you.

[Anonymous]

I want to have a romantic moment with my friend. Is that bad?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who I work out with. We talk and over 20 years have become like a romantic couple. If I had sex with this other married person it would be no more than what we have been doing over the last 20 years. Physically working out together and emotionally (more important to me) than hooking up! My spouse likely knows and does not care Sex is a physical act which should not be judged as immoral. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would like to after finding out my husband had an affair. I don't even want to sleep woth anyone- just date. I would if I could find a genuine guy willing to go on a date with a married woman. I have zero interest in misleading or lying about my relationship status even by omission.

No guy is genuine if he is dating a married woman. That is cheating behavior.

OP, get divorced if you want to date around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to have a romantic moment with my friend. Is that bad?

Uh what kind of romantic moment?

[Anonymous]

You need to work on your marriage rather than going out with another man. You have to ask this question? You really don’t know the answer? Why did you get married in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to work on your marriage rather than going out with another man. You have to ask this question? You really don’t know the answer? Why did you get married in the first place?

For some people, going out with someone else, or even just having a flirtation and remembering what it's like to feel desire (even if you do not act in it) can be part of working on your marriage.

I didn't date anyone but I did fall for/develop a flirtatious relationship with someone I have a professional relationship with, and it's probably the best thing to have happened to the sexual/romantic part of my marriage. We had a terrific partnership, great friendship, and were very good at co-parenting before that. But bedroom was dead and things were almost platonic. That flirtation just kind of woke me up and made me remember how much I like the physical part of a relationship. It helped me feel like I a woman and not just a mom and wife and employee. There was never any danger of it crossing a line because I'd never do that to my family, though I did fantasize about it and that was good too.

For a lot of people, telling yourself to not even think about other people or indulge flirtations/fantasies (in a way that dies not violate monogamy) results in just kind of shitting down that part of your psyche, which isn't good for a marriage either.

I'm not suggesting jumping on Tinder, but if OP is feeling this way, there ARE ways to feel those butterflies of attraction that won't cross a line but will get you something you need. You are human, this is a very human desire, it's okay to admit you need it.