Go on a date while married?

[Anonymous]

How inappropriate is it to meet a guy for coffee while already being married to my spouse? Really missing the infatuation/early relationship days. How do you address that?

[Anonymous]

If you have to ask...

[Anonymous]

Please do not have children and let your poor h out of the marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do not have children and let your poor h out of the marriage

Guarantee the OP has kids. That's when the boredom really kicks into overdrive.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

[Anonymous]

I understand you, OP.

I watch movies with one of my male friends, exactly as I watch movies with my best (female) friend. I make time to chat with another male friend, just like I do with other female friends.

There can definitely be a slight frisson to male-female friendships, that there isn't in same-gender ones (for us heterosexuals). But my friends and I are very clear that there will be no cheating. This goes for both my husband and myself. He's welcome to socialize with female friends without me and experience that frisson.

[Anonymous]

I get where you are coming from but an actual date is really inappropriate. Like some people would consider it cheating, other people would view it as the obvious last step before actual cheating. Either way, most monogamously married people are going to view that negatively.

That said, I do understand missing that feeling from dating when you are well into your marriage. One safe option (assuming you will never cross the line with it) is look for ways to engage in innocent flirtatious behavior in your everyday life with people you would never actually go out with. It can be very mild flirtation. Like I enjoy the back and forth with the barista at my usual coffee place, and I think he enjoys it too. It is public and subtle and has no danger of going anywhere sketchy, but it will give me a little mood and self-esteem boost when I see him. That kind of thing.

But I would never go out on a date with him, no way. In fact if he asked I'd be mad because it would ruin what we have, which is totally innocent but satisfying to me, and I'd have to start going to another coffee shop to avoid him.

The key is to keep it all in the realm of "never going to happen, but fun to think about a little now and then."

[Anonymous]

Be better Op

[Anonymous]

How would you feel if your husband was out on a date with another woman?

Would you believe him if he told you nothing happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand you, OP.

I watch movies with one of my male friends, exactly as I watch movies with my best (female) friend. I make time to chat with another male friend, just like I do with other female friends.

There can definitely be a slight frisson to male-female friendships, that there isn't in same-gender ones (for us heterosexuals). But my friends and I are very clear that there will be no cheating. This goes for both my husband and myself. He's welcome to socialize with female friends without me and experience that frisson.

14:21 here and agree with this. But you have to be careful with these friend relationships. I have two male friends like this where there's is a bit of, as you put it, "frisson" and it only works because they know/like/respect my DH and would never, ever let it go past this very, very lighthearted, mutual attraction. Ever.

If I ever felt that shifting, I'd probably start avoiding them. There was a time when one of them was in a rough patch with his wife and I was careful to keep my distance during that time because I didn't want him to view me as an "option" in any way. It can be tricky. Fortunately it was short lived and we're all back to hanging out and it works great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How inappropriate is it to meet a guy for coffee while already being married to my spouse? Really missing the infatuation/early relationship days. How do you address that?

You have to mourn this when you get engaged. Deciding to commit to one person until death do you part necessitates no more "early relationship days" - that's part of the deal. If you've only been married a little while, then you can just sit with the discomfort of realizing that this is something you aren't going to have anymore. If you've been married for 6+ years and are having these thoughts, you're just trying to justify to yourself the fact that you want to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Get some nice new clothes for you and your MATE and go on that DATE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have to ask...

+1. Some people shouldn't get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand you, OP.

I watch movies with one of my male friends, exactly as I watch movies with my best (female) friend. I make time to chat with another male friend, just like I do with other female friends.

There can definitely be a slight frisson to male-female friendships, that there isn't in same-gender ones (for us heterosexuals). But my friends and I are very clear that there will be no cheating. This goes for both my husband and myself. He's welcome to socialize with female friends without me and experience that frisson.

This. I hang out with male friends sometimes, too, and sometimes there is that frisson, but we are all grown ups and handle it.

I need more context about the coffee. have you literally never had coffee with someone of the opposite sex since getting married, and that's why it feels like a date? In that case, go. Or did a man ask you on a date with romantic intentions? In that case, don't go.

[Anonymous]

What? No! You’re going to pull some innocent person into your mess because you miss feeing a crush? Grow up.

[Anonymous]

I don't categorize getting coffee as a date. At most, it's an informal way of checking someone out to see if they are date-able.