Go on a date while married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty inappropriate, TBH.

It also sounds like cheating to me if you are having butterflies and getting excited for your date.

I mean, you know this.

They can both have butterflies as long they know to then go home and have fun with their respective spouses.
That works for a LOT of couples.
It's just that OP expressed it in a rather provoking way.

Reads like an attempt to justify testing the waters for a potential affair, and a setup to fall into an emotional affair even if it never gets physical.
And yes, emotional affairs are a real thing. They aren't just a "frisson" of fun to spice up your marital bedroom back home. They can do actual damage.

Yeah, well, I've been doing this for years and no harm done. Married 20 years, kids in high school and college. Circle of good friends.

Live a little, people! You only have one life.

A lot of people have their “first” affair at the 20, 25, 30 year mark. You’re not some sort of “pro” because you’ve been married for a long time.

This whole “frisson” idea to me is playing with 🔥🔥🔥🔥. When I am happy with DH, no other man can appeal to me.

This is crazy to me. I have no intention of cheating but I’m not blind. Of course I find other men sexually appealing. Do you genuinely feel no flicker of attraction at all towards anyone but your DH?

Honestly… no, not in real life, and I’m not saying it to seem more virtuous. I have even had crushes while married but it’s very much not-physical which I know seems weird. I have met men that seemed very pleasant and attractive but I have not myself been attracted to them. My husband and I had a very intense physical chemistry at the beginning of our relationship and I have just never felt anything like it for anyone else.

I guess I’m also picky- I find a lot of men that my friends think are handsome very unappealing. I think perhaps for me a person’s character is very important to how I feel about them and someone who is flirting with me as a married woman will turn me off. I seem to appreciate men as a concept more than reality. During Covid I developed a crush on a colleague who I had never met in person- and when I did meet him in person the crush was instantly over. He just lost his sparkle. I know it’s weird but that’s just how I’m wired.

Life, and marriage, are long. I could have written this a few years ago. Then recently I developed an intense crush on a man in my life. I was horrified by how attracted I was to him-- it was so intense that it caused me a lot of stress because I truly didn't think I was capable of that kind of attraction towards another man anymore. I thought I'd reached a level of such deep love with my DH, after 15 years together, that anything else would pale in comparison.

I didn't act on it but the fantasies I had. I was never more relieved about the fact that no one could see my thoughts. A more innocent crush, I would have told a friend about it. Heck, if it were a crush on a celebrity, I would have told my DH. But it was a person in my life, and I was interested in him in a way I haven't felt about anyone since my husband. And he was very different from my husband too. Ugh, it was torment.

So you think it can't happen to you, but let me tell you, it can. And having those sorts of feelings about someone from inside an otherwise good marriage, with kids? It's not fun.

I have been married longer than 15 years and I think year 15 is often a crisis point for whatever reason and manifests in different ways. For me it was different and more about my emotional and intellectual connection with DH. I’m not saying I couldn’t be physically attracted to another man, it just truly has not happened yet in a long marriage. For whatever reason that doesn’t seem believable to some but it’s true.

[Anonymous]

Coffee with male friends even single ones? No problem! Thinking of it as a date and hoping to flirt? Big problem!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty inappropriate, TBH.

It also sounds like cheating to me if you are having butterflies and getting excited for your date.

I mean, you know this.

They can both have butterflies as long they know to then go home and have fun with their respective spouses.
That works for a LOT of couples.
It's just that OP expressed it in a rather provoking way.

Reads like an attempt to justify testing the waters for a potential affair, and a setup to fall into an emotional affair even if it never gets physical.
And yes, emotional affairs are a real thing. They aren't just a "frisson" of fun to spice up your marital bedroom back home. They can do actual damage.

Yeah, well, I've been doing this for years and no harm done. Married 20 years, kids in high school and college. Circle of good friends.

Live a little, people! You only have one life.

A lot of people have their “first” affair at the 20, 25, 30 year mark. You’re not some sort of “pro” because you’ve been married for a long time.

This whole “frisson” idea to me is playing with 🔥🔥🔥🔥. When I am happy with DH, no other man can appeal to me.

Just because it doesn't appeal to you, doesn't mean you need to dump on others who have different opinions. I'm sure you do things I would consider risky in your life. Do I judge? No. Live your life. I'm going to enjoy mine.

I'm PP you replied to, I'm 44, and have to laugh at all the busybodies who desperately want to shame and control everyone who isn't living the exact same life. I'll play with the fire, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. I have a married friend of opposite sex I have known for years. We see each other regularly and I do sometimes go out of my way to see this person. We do seem to end up together at every social setting. Is it a date? Yes and no we do share personal issues kids etc. and I trust this person. I think given a different scenario I would act on it! But we havent so I just enjoy the flirting and seeing this person and leave it at that. I dont think that is playing with fire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty inappropriate, TBH.

It also sounds like cheating to me if you are having butterflies and getting excited for your date.

I mean, you know this.

They can both have butterflies as long they know to then go home and have fun with their respective spouses.
That works for a LOT of couples.
It's just that OP expressed it in a rather provoking way.

Reads like an attempt to justify testing the waters for a potential affair, and a setup to fall into an emotional affair even if it never gets physical.
And yes, emotional affairs are a real thing. They aren't just a "frisson" of fun to spice up your marital bedroom back home. They can do actual damage.

Yeah, well, I've been doing this for years and no harm done. Married 20 years, kids in high school and college. Circle of good friends.

Live a little, people! You only have one life.

"Doing this for years"? You mean, flirting in the sense of stoking romantic/attraction feelings, with other men? I agree with the previous poster who pointed out that your "No harm done, married 20 years" does not insulate you from ending up with harm done. And why you think that having older kids and a "circle of good friends" magically makes it fine is...beyond me. Comes off as smug: "I get the romantic thrill and still have a great marriage and life!" This is the kind of shrugging arrogance that ends up hurting yourself or someone else. Either that, or your ability to pursue flirtation without any actual emotions ever happening might indicate you're pretty divorced from feelings.

Ha ha ha ha! You hate that I'm happy and at ease with my values and lifestyle. Your reaction doesn't say anything about me so much as it says something about your own fears and insecurities. I've had lots of crushes in my life, and can control myself. Crushes are meant to be enjoyed, not feared. You flirt a little, and at the end of the day, you go home to your spouse. My husband is free to do the same. I want him to enjoy his life.

I've been on DCUM for more than 10 years, and I've noticed the relationship forum is populated by extremely socially conservative posters. You rival the Taliban in your views of who/when/where women can socialize with. Your entire value system is rooted in a woman's apparent lack of emotional control. The Fashion forum is also a favorite target: I'm sure it's the same posters who grouse about women dressing younger than their age, wearing bikinis or mini-skirts past their 20s, etc. I suspect these women are terrified their husbands are going to leave them for women who are confident and attractive and live their life how they want. The arrogance of these women! How dare they be happy and carefree!

In short, everything you write, PP and others, smacks terribly of insecurity and internalized misogyny. That's actually a huge problem, which sadly I'm sure you can't even perceive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty inappropriate, TBH.

It also sounds like cheating to me if you are having butterflies and getting excited for your date.

I mean, you know this.

They can both have butterflies as long they know to then go home and have fun with their respective spouses.
That works for a LOT of couples.
It's just that OP expressed it in a rather provoking way.

Reads like an attempt to justify testing the waters for a potential affair, and a setup to fall into an emotional affair even if it never gets physical.
And yes, emotional affairs are a real thing. They aren't just a "frisson" of fun to spice up your marital bedroom back home. They can do actual damage.

Yeah, well, I've been doing this for years and no harm done. Married 20 years, kids in high school and college. Circle of good friends.

Live a little, people! You only have one life.

A lot of people have their “first” affair at the 20, 25, 30 year mark. You’re not some sort of “pro” because you’ve been married for a long time.

This whole “frisson” idea to me is playing with 🔥🔥🔥🔥. When I am happy with DH, no other man can appeal to me.

This is crazy to me. I have no intention of cheating but I’m not blind. Of course I find other men sexually appealing. Do you genuinely feel no flicker of attraction at all towards anyone but your DH?

Honestly… no, not in real life, and I’m not saying it to seem more virtuous. I have even had crushes while married but it’s very much not-physical which I know seems weird. I have met men that seemed very pleasant and attractive but I have not myself been attracted to them. My husband and I had a very intense physical chemistry at the beginning of our relationship and I have just never felt anything like it for anyone else.

I guess I’m also picky- I find a lot of men that my friends think are handsome very unappealing. I think perhaps for me a person’s character is very important to how I feel about them and someone who is flirting with me as a married woman will turn me off. I seem to appreciate men as a concept more than reality. During Covid I developed a crush on a colleague who I had never met in person- and when I did meet him in person the crush was instantly over. He just lost his sparkle. I know it’s weird but that’s just how I’m wired.

Life, and marriage, are long. I could have written this a few years ago. Then recently I developed an intense crush on a man in my life. I was horrified by how attracted I was to him-- it was so intense that it caused me a lot of stress because I truly didn't think I was capable of that kind of attraction towards another man anymore. I thought I'd reached a level of such deep love with my DH, after 15 years together, that anything else would pale in comparison.

I didn't act on it but the fantasies I had. I was never more relieved about the fact that no one could see my thoughts. A more innocent crush, I would have told a friend about it. Heck, if it were a crush on a celebrity, I would have told my DH. But it was a person in my life, and I was interested in him in a way I haven't felt about anyone since my husband. And he was very different from my husband too. Ugh, it was torment.

So you think it can't happen to you, but let me tell you, it can. And having those sorts of feelings about someone from inside an otherwise good marriage, with kids? It's not fun.

I have been married longer than 15 years and I think year 15 is often a crisis point for whatever reason and manifests in different ways. For me it was different and more about my emotional and intellectual connection with DH. I’m not saying I couldn’t be physically attracted to another man, it just truly has not happened yet in a long marriage. For whatever reason that doesn’t seem believable to some but it’s true.

We’ve been married over 30 years and I’ve certainly found other men to be attractive and at points where my marriage was not running hot and that can happen in any long term marriage. When those few moments have happened I simply remind myself what a great ride it has been and that I/we need to rekindle the magic and we always do.

[Anonymous]

I’m married and I’d never go on a “date” with someone. But, having coffee with a male friend or colleague and having a good time is perfectly acceptable. Marriage isn’t suppose to be a prison.

[Anonymous]

It's will mess up your divorce settlement, adultery is illegal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty inappropriate, TBH.

It also sounds like cheating to me if you are having butterflies and getting excited for your date.

I mean, you know this.

They can both have butterflies as long they know to then go home and have fun with their respective spouses.
That works for a LOT of couples.
It's just that OP expressed it in a rather provoking way.

Reads like an attempt to justify testing the waters for a potential affair, and a setup to fall into an emotional affair even if it never gets physical.
And yes, emotional affairs are a real thing. They aren't just a "frisson" of fun to spice up your marital bedroom back home. They can do actual damage.

Yeah, well, I've been doing this for years and no harm done. Married 20 years, kids in high school and college. Circle of good friends.

Live a little, people! You only have one life.

A lot of people have their “first” affair at the 20, 25, 30 year mark. You’re not some sort of “pro” because you’ve been married for a long time.

This whole “frisson” idea to me is playing with 🔥🔥🔥🔥. When I am happy with DH, no other man can appeal to me.

Just because it doesn't appeal to you, doesn't mean you need to dump on others who have different opinions. I'm sure you do things I would consider risky in your life. Do I judge? No. Live your life. I'm going to enjoy mine.

I'm PP you replied to, I'm 44, and have to laugh at all the busybodies who desperately want to shame and control everyone who isn't living the exact same life. I'll play with the fire, thank you.

What if the wife tells your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty inappropriate, TBH.

It also sounds like cheating to me if you are having butterflies and getting excited for your date.

I mean, you know this.

They can both have butterflies as long they know to then go home and have fun with their respective spouses.
That works for a LOT of couples.
It's just that OP expressed it in a rather provoking way.

Reads like an attempt to justify testing the waters for a potential affair, and a setup to fall into an emotional affair even if it never gets physical.
And yes, emotional affairs are a real thing. They aren't just a "frisson" of fun to spice up your marital bedroom back home. They can do actual damage.

Yeah, well, I've been doing this for years and no harm done. Married 20 years, kids in high school and college. Circle of good friends.

Live a little, people! You only have one life.

A lot of people have their “first” affair at the 20, 25, 30 year mark. You’re not some sort of “pro” because you’ve been married for a long time.

This whole “frisson” idea to me is playing with 🔥🔥🔥🔥. When I am happy with DH, no other man can appeal to me.

Just because it doesn't appeal to you, doesn't mean you need to dump on others who have different opinions. I'm sure you do things I would consider risky in your life. Do I judge? No. Live your life. I'm going to enjoy mine.

I'm PP you replied to, I'm 44, and have to laugh at all the busybodies who desperately want to shame and control everyone who isn't living the exact same life. I'll play with the fire, thank you.

What if the wife tells your husband?

And the entire community?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty inappropriate, TBH.

It also sounds like cheating to me if you are having butterflies and getting excited for your date.

I mean, you know this.

They can both have butterflies as long they know to then go home and have fun with their respective spouses.
That works for a LOT of couples.
It's just that OP expressed it in a rather provoking way.

Reads like an attempt to justify testing the waters for a potential affair, and a setup to fall into an emotional affair even if it never gets physical.
And yes, emotional affairs are a real thing. They aren't just a "frisson" of fun to spice up your marital bedroom back home. They can do actual damage.

Yeah, well, I've been doing this for years and no harm done. Married 20 years, kids in high school and college. Circle of good friends.

Live a little, people! You only have one life.

"Doing this for years"? You mean, flirting in the sense of stoking romantic/attraction feelings, with other men? I agree with the previous poster who pointed out that your "No harm done, married 20 years" does not insulate you from ending up with harm done. And why you think that having older kids and a "circle of good friends" magically makes it fine is...beyond me. Comes off as smug: "I get the romantic thrill and still have a great marriage and life!" This is the kind of shrugging arrogance that ends up hurting yourself or someone else. Either that, or your ability to pursue flirtation without any actual emotions ever happening might indicate you're pretty divorced from feelings.

Ha ha ha ha! You hate that I'm happy and at ease with my values and lifestyle. Your reaction doesn't say anything about me so much as it says something about your own fears and insecurities. I've had lots of crushes in my life, and can control myself. Crushes are meant to be enjoyed, not feared. You flirt a little, and at the end of the day, you go home to your spouse. My husband is free to do the same. I want him to enjoy his life.

I've been on DCUM for more than 10 years, and I've noticed the relationship forum is populated by extremely socially conservative posters. You rival the Taliban in your views of who/when/where women can socialize with. Your entire value system is rooted in a woman's apparent lack of emotional control. The Fashion forum is also a favorite target: I'm sure it's the same posters who grouse about women dressing younger than their age, wearing bikinis or mini-skirts past their 20s, etc. I suspect these women are terrified their husbands are going to leave them for women who are confident and attractive and live their life how they want. The arrogance of these women! How dare they be happy and carefree!

In short, everything you write, PP and others, smacks terribly of insecurity and internalized misogyny. That's actually a huge problem, which sadly I'm sure you can't even perceive.

DP and I think thou doth protest too much, yes? I don’t care or judge you for playing with 🔥🔥🔥, go ahead but don’t be surprised when you get burnt. Been there, done that, nothing to be proud of or write home about.

Being attractive isn’t a big accomplishment either, a lot of us are attractive and stylish and get a lot of male attention- it doesn’t make you a better or more vibrant human being just because men want to get in your pants. You are just projecting like crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How inappropriate is it to meet a guy for coffee while already being married to my spouse? Really missing the infatuation/early relationship days. How do you address that?

everybody does this, absolutely!

[Anonymous]

You seem to need a lot of excitement. Why are you dragging other people into it? Got to amusement park.
Getting married was already exciting. You don't see me getting married and then dating. It's one or the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How inappropriate is it to meet a guy for coffee while already being married to my spouse? Really missing the infatuation/early relationship days. How do you address that?

This is an obtuse way of saying:

"DCUM, give me permission to commit adultery."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem to need a lot of excitement. Why are you dragging other people into it? Got to amusement park.
Getting married was already exciting. You don't see me getting married and then dating. It's one or the other.

DP, but the excitement of getting married is very different than the excitement of meeting and dating someone you like but haven't been with. Not even taking a side in this debate really, but pretending that the underlying issue doesn't exist doesn't help anyone. You get married and it's thrilling at first but eventually it is not thrilling anymore. It might be many other things, wonderful things, and those other things can be enough to sustain you. They can be better than those early thrills in many ways. But the problem OP and others are talking about is missing the thrill, and looking for ways to feel that way again. Not even just about someone else,but about yourself. It's not an excuse to destroy a marriage, but to waive it off as not a problem at all is ridiculous.