why does my inlaws intense love for my kids bug me so much?

[Anonymous]

Love bombing which is what OP describes always raises a red flag with me. The only people who go this overboard have some type of personality disorder or mental decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love bombing which is what OP describes always raises a red flag with me. The only people who go this overboard have some type of personality disorder or mental decline.

In no way is this very typical grandparent behavior “love bombing.” Complete misuse of the term.

[Anonymous]

OP us a nut

[Anonymous]

Hmmm I have some thoughts because I’ve felt like this at times. My in-laws have mellowed out a lot but at times it has felt like they were really invested in certain images of my kids rather than loving them for themselves. My DD is beautiful and brilliant but has mild SN. So they love to show pictures of her and talk about her academics but didn’t seem to be able to handle her as a person super well. My other child is typical and their relationship with him has always felt more normal. So maybe it was just a hard situation and they were doing their best. As she’s maturing they have a more normal relationship- actually she’s a little developmentally behind and hasn’t figured out grandparents aren’t cool yet and I think they are enjoying a couple extra years of affection and closeness from her

[Anonymous]

Annoyance doesn't always need to be valid, that's OK. My parents can overdo the love and admiration too but I mostly am ok with it. Ds didn't do well on a test and my mom could not believe it was even true. I insisted he is an average student and she didn't even want to hear it. It can be overbearing in a way that seems they are taking some ownership. Ultimately, it's good for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love bombing which is what OP describes always raises a red flag with me. The only people who go this overboard have some type of personality disorder or mental decline.

This. A few of my friends have dealt with abusive inlaws who did this same thing. Then, the kid isn't what they want once the kid has an opinion and ideas or the kid just doesn't like being smothered and all sorts of manipulations and problems ensue with the grandparents.

You nailed it. Before I had my own encounters with these types in the dating world I would have though this was crazy to say, but yes, love bombing nails it, even with the relatives I have who behave this way. Their relationships with anything other than babies and toddlers are quite dramatic, volatile and intense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP isn’t describing adoring grandparents, she’s describing obsessive anxious grandparents. Obsessive behavior triggers annoyance or red flags with normal people. It feels off, something is not right etc. No one enjoys being the receiver of someone else’s anxiety. Sometimes it’s benign and other times it’s something to watch out for more weird behavior.

I have a relative who is obsessed with their little dog. I could write OPs post just inserting dogs name, dog mommie for grandparent and latest trick or poop for speech. It’s annoying because it’s weird. It’s benign to us because it’s her life. The worst for us is having to look at ten thousand dog photos and say uh huh a lot during dog raving monologues.

If it were my kids, I would feel uneasy about the obsession. What happens when the kids get older and spend less time with them? Will they be able to adjust or will they throw fits and try to smother them?

The over the top worrying whenever they are sick is them forcing their anxiety on you. This is annoying. If anything serious ever happens, these types make it worse by really falling apart when you need support.

I agree with most of this, though I am not sure of the diagnosis. My DC's paternal grandparents are like this, and once my daughter reached her older teen years, it felt inauthentic and uncomfortable to her. It was ok when they were younger, but it's hard to have a real relationship with people who see you as an object of obsession who can do no wrong, as opposed to a real person. They were the same way with DH, and he only has a very surface-level relationship with them, despite being brought up told he was "amazing" and "the best" and could do no wrong. It actually caused a lot of social and emotional problems for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that the intensity goes along with expectations that turn into obligations like wanting to be included in everything, worming their way into your vacations, expecting too many visits that limit time for things your family would actually enjoy.

Some people this age can get really weird and selfish. They can behave like children grabbing a doll yelling Mine! Mine!

Imagine how society would collapse if this disease spread and grandparents were considered part of every family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it painful for you perhaps because you yourself were never cherished that way? I think they sound absolutely lovely. All kids deserve someone in their life who irrationally thinks they’re a superstar. The real world will slap them down fast enough.

This. And they love you less than their son and grandchildren. Hopefully, your parents offset this imbalance with their love and attention.

[Anonymous]

Because you feel like they're trying to take credit for your kids.

I'm glad you realize it's a you problem and that you should be grateful for this gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love bombing which is what OP describes always raises a red flag with me. The only people who go this overboard have some type of personality disorder or mental decline.

This. A few of my friends have dealt with abusive inlaws who did this same thing. Then, the kid isn't what they want once the kid has an opinion and ideas or the kid just doesn't like being smothered and all sorts of manipulations and problems ensue with the grandparents.

You nailed it. Before I had my own encounters with these types in the dating world I would have though this was crazy to say, but yes, love bombing nails it, even with the relatives I have who behave this way. Their relationships with anything other than babies and toddlers are quite dramatic, volatile and intense.

To spin OP’s situation into what your friends have experienced is just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

They are certainly over doing it but you’d hate the opposite. My parents are in that ideal middle space and I feel so lucky.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they need to get a life, another hobby, it's like they are sycophants with nothing else to live for. I know someone like that too. Gives me the creeps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here - oh how i wish this wasn't real. but it is - we have the only grandkids, they had only one kid (dh) and were unable to have more though they very much want to. so there's a lot of pent up love / loving there. i just want to be able to smile indulgently at it instead of feeling agitated every time i go in their house and see even more pics

You answered your own question, OP. Your in laws love kids, were unable to have more than one, and are now throwing themselves fully into being grandparents to their only grandchildren. I get why it would feel a little suffocating to you, but you have to let it go. They won't be around forever.

[Anonymous]

Probably possessiveness.