why does my inlaws intense love for my kids bug me so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're acting narcissistic. Showing people in stores pictures is rude.

It strikes me this way too. The grandkids are their narcissistic supply.

[Anonymous]

I don’t love hearing people brag about their kids. I’m embarrassed on their behalf and you may be feeling a little of that? And it seems a bit overbearing.

But my in-laws are pretty uninterested in my kids which seems crappier, so all that love and acceptance sounds nice! Maybe taking it out of your presence a bit would be a win-win with more outings and babysitting?

[Anonymous]

OP, It sounds like you’re worried your children will become spoiled. If parents act like this, that would be problematic, but adoring grandparents are just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think, secretly, you want DCUM to tell you that your feelings are valid and your inlaws are overbearing weirdos.

I hope you can heal yourself because you sound like you have some deep-rooted issues. I want all the love for my children that the world has to offer. I can't imagine hating on that.

Well here I am to validate you OP. I completely understand why you would feel this way. It's possessive, overbearing, and unhealthy. This would drive me up a wall. You don't need to get to the root cause of this or to psychoanalyze it. They are YOUR children, not theirs, and there is nothing more grating than having a mother-in-law take over and act as if they are her own children. I get it. 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They sound like caring loving grandparents OP. This is fairly normal.among caring loving families. My family was / is not like this at all, so I wonder if OP didn't have this in her childhood at all either?

I think there's a range. I had wonderful grandparents but they were nothing like this. They were young and would take 4 or 5 grandchildren (all the cousins) to their house for the whole summer, go camping and fishing and canoeing with us, teach us to sew or do woodworking, cook us dinner, ferry us to visit every other relative in sight, who would feed us candy. They loved us and they made that love known but they did not think we were perfect by any means and, in fact, frequently offered carefully tailored advice to each of us on how to improve ourselves.

My inlaws, however, are just like OP describes. And yes we have the only grandchildren. It used to bother me but I learned to reframe and just appreciate how much they love the kids and how special they make the kids feel. So yeah, if Granny thinks kid #1 has the most gorgeous blond curls she's ever seen (DC's hair is brown and straight, but she thinks any hair that isn't almost black is blond), or thinks kid #2 - who is objectively tone deaf - sings like an angel, whatever. It's silly but harmless. As the kids get older they understand that their grandparents see them through rose-colored glasses and dote on them and that they are not, in fact, the most amazing people to ever walk this planet.

[Anonymous]

They're turning it into a competition. Who can be the most loving. It's passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it can be cringeworthy and it bothered me when I was younger. Now that we're all older and I see the end in sight, my kids know that they have cheerleaders that love them unconditionally. That makes my heart smile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are so selfish they've never even been to one of my kids' games, never wanted to spend time with them at all, and barely know them despite living 20 mins away. I'd trade with you any day.

This was my in-laws. My kids didn’t shed a tear when they died.

[Anonymous]

You may also be bracing for potential loss of the OTT love as the kids age and become less cute, less mainstream, etc.

It may feel like the grandparents don’t know the children as individuals. That the love bombing is about their need to emote rather than what the children need.

All that said, be grateful you don’t have IL’s who care more about their hobbies than their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

OP here - lots of good thoughts here, thank you. I think I'll try to make my mantra "how nice for my kids to have someone that thinks they're gods gift to the world" (not sarcastically). Its a good point that if parents did it, it'd be destructive to both the kids and the parents (who will you be once the kids grow up if you only identify yourself as relative to them), but for grandparents its just nice for the kids and they don't have a whole 30+ years ahead of them where they'll need to define themselves beyond a role related to the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're turning it into a competition. Who can be the most loving. It's passive aggressive.

No evidence of this at all.

[Anonymous]

Are you jealous because your own grandparents weren’t this way with you?

Are you feeling competitive with them, or that they are encroaching on your role as a mom?

Either way, agree it’s a you problem and that the aren’t doing anything wrong, even if it might be a bit cringe worthy.

[Anonymous]

My in laws are like this, but I've embraced it. Now I have somewhere to send the 8x10 school pictures I don't want!

[Anonymous]

OP, the root issue is that as you admit, you have never been loved this way. It's also easy to tell from reading this thread who has been loved this way and who hasn't. It feels foreign and perhaps a bit fake and overbearing to you. But know that is partly because you are unfamiliar with. The other part to understand that you can't choose how someone loves. Some people love gently, from afar and in a more theoretical way. Others love in a more direct and consuming way. Try to look past the method of delivery and appreciate the love. I'll end with saying that there is nothing in the world like the unconditional love that grandparents give. Please let your kids enjoy this. It will carry them through life.

[Anonymous]

They sound wonderful!