why does my inlaws intense love for my kids bug me so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you see it as competition?

+1

You wish, deep down, that someone adored you in this way. You don’t outwardly adore your own kids in the same way because you never had it, and it’s confusing that these people, who aren’t their parents and aren’t YOUR parents, are this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you see it as competition?

+1

You wish, deep down, that someone adored you in this way. You don’t outwardly adore your own kids in the same way because you never had it, and it’s confusing that these people, who aren’t their parents and aren’t YOUR parents, are this way.

Sure, it may be the OP never have experienced being adored and the concept is foreign, but it doesn't mean it's something she wants. I see people who fan girl/boy over certain celebrities, and I just can't fathom being that obsessed with anything or anyone. Doesn't mean I'm jealous and I don't think they are necessarily weird, just different than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that the intensity goes along with expectations that turn into obligations like wanting to be included in everything, worming their way into your vacations, expecting too many visits that limit time for things your family would actually enjoy.

Some people this age can get really weird and selfish. They can behave like children grabbing a doll yelling Mine! Mine!

+1. Love is wonderful but it’s the intensity that doesn’t feel natural. It’s usually a sign that the grandchild fills a huge emotional void in their life. It tends to lead to high expectations of involvement in your child’s life and overstepping of boundaries. I have seen it too many times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that the intensity goes along with expectations that turn into obligations like wanting to be included in everything, worming their way into your vacations, expecting too many visits that limit time for things your family would actually enjoy.

Some people this age can get really weird and selfish. They can behave like children grabbing a doll yelling Mine! Mine!

+1. Love is wonderful but it’s the intensity that doesn’t feel natural. It’s usually a sign that the grandchild fills a huge emotional void in their life. It tends to lead to high expectations of involvement in your child’s life and overstepping of boundaries. I have seen it too many times.

Yes, the intensity is the issue. It’s creepy. It’s like the difference between real love and stage 3 clinger will stalk you until you fill the deep void in my life “love.”

[Anonymous]

OP, are you White?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that the intensity goes along with expectations that turn into obligations like wanting to be included in everything, worming their way into your vacations, expecting too many visits that limit time for things your family would actually enjoy.

Some people this age can get really weird and selfish. They can behave like children grabbing a doll yelling Mine! Mine!

+1. Love is wonderful but it’s the intensity that doesn’t feel natural. It’s usually a sign that the grandchild fills a huge emotional void in their life. It tends to lead to high expectations of involvement in your child’s life and overstepping of boundaries. I have seen it too many times.

LOL. I don't agree.

You may have seen other people's kids have doting grandparents, but it has never happened to you or your children. So, the sour grapes leads you to vilify others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that the intensity goes along with expectations that turn into obligations like wanting to be included in everything, worming their way into your vacations, expecting too many visits that limit time for things your family would actually enjoy.

Some people this age can get really weird and selfish. They can behave like children grabbing a doll yelling Mine! Mine!

+1. Love is wonderful but it’s the intensity that doesn’t feel natural. It’s usually a sign that the grandchild fills a huge emotional void in their life. It tends to lead to high expectations of involvement in your child’s life and overstepping of boundaries. I have seen it too many times.

Yes, the intensity is the issue. It’s creepy. It’s like the difference between real love and stage 3 clinger will stalk you until you fill the deep void in my life “love.”

Not everyone grew up with a creepy step-dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they need to get a life, another hobby, it's like they are sycophants with nothing else to live for. I know someone like that too. Gives me the creeps.

Wow! So many unloved people in the world.

It is completely normal for grandparents to love their grandkids and dote on them. These are the same grandkids who take their grandkids to outings, or babysit them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really trying to understand the root cause of why it drives me crazy so I can let it go and stop being annoyed about it. I realize it's a me problem - not a them problem and there's certainly nothing i'd ask them to change. The "intensity" is things like

- having over 55 pictures of the kids displayed around their house
- having every piece of kid "art" they get kept on the wall forever - even welcome signs our nanny made when they came to visit when the kids were little
- forcing store and restaurant workers to look at pictures of the kids regularly
- worrying every time a kid is sick or injured
- thinking everything a kid does is the best (eg saw my kid give an average speech at school and they described it as "having total command of the room! the absolutely best in the class!"
- define themselves as "grandma / grandpa" and use those terms even when talking to us / other people

those are just examples. I don't think its some just general anti-inlaw or controlling thing....my husband's aunt and uncle are also very close to the kids and as well as other extended family so it's not an "only i can love my kids!" crazy thing

Kind answer - Because you came from a dysfunctional family and did not have loving grandparents. Unkind answer - Because you are a mean, spiteful and unpleasant person who likes to create drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really trying to understand the root cause of why it drives me crazy so I can let it go and stop being annoyed about it. I realize it's a me problem - not a them problem and there's certainly nothing i'd ask them to change. The "intensity" is things like

- having over 55 pictures of the kids displayed around their house
- having every piece of kid "art" they get kept on the wall forever - even welcome signs our nanny made when they came to visit when the kids were little
- forcing store and restaurant workers to look at pictures of the kids regularly
- worrying every time a kid is sick or injured
- thinking everything a kid does is the best (eg saw my kid give an average speech at school and they described it as "having total command of the room! the absolutely best in the class!"
- define themselves as "grandma / grandpa" and use those terms even when talking to us / other people

those are just examples. I don't think its some just general anti-inlaw or controlling thing....my husband's aunt and uncle are also very close to the kids and as well as other extended family so it's not an "only i can love my kids!" crazy thing

I am trying to restrain my anger at your post. Because you are so incredibly lucky. We have 4 sets of divorced parents and not one of them shows the least bit of interest in our family. None. You should appreciate it and get your head out of your a$$.

[Anonymous]

This forum can be so toxic.

OP, it does sound a bit off and obsessive. I don't think your feelings are baseless.

What does DH think?

[Anonymous]

OP, my sibling's in-laws are like this. She chooses to be like hey this is a little nutty and I get a little giggle from it sometimes, but how lucky is my kid to have adults beyond her parents that love her so much? Incredibly lucky. Grandparents number one job is to be a safe place where kids are loved no matter what. Parents have to do so many other things - hold boundaries, parent, etc. I find it pretty sad that you make this a negative thing. Just laugh at the ridiculousness and be grateful for what you and your kids have. My grandmother is in hospice right now and she was a bit like this. Until a few weeks ago she was still printing pictures of her great grandchildren on her printer that I would send. She used to tell me she read somewhere that everyone needs at least 7 hugs a day and she would make sure I got those when I was with her. She was a gem and my heart and life are better for her - I knew I was deeply loved and that is a wonderful gift.

So, kindly - get over yourself op Love your in-laws for who they are and your kids will be way better off and more likely to have healthy relationships with you and their in-laws in the future. Relationships where they accept idiosyncrasies, give grace, and are not so hard on each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP isn’t describing adoring grandparents, she’s describing obsessive anxious grandparents. Obsessive behavior triggers annoyance or red flags with normal people. It feels off, something is not right etc. No one enjoys being the receiver of someone else’s anxiety. Sometimes it’s benign and other times it’s something to watch out for more weird behavior.

I have a relative who is obsessed with their little dog. I could write OPs post just inserting dogs name, dog mommie for grandparent and latest trick or poop for speech. It’s annoying because it’s weird. It’s benign to us because it’s her life. The worst for us is having to look at ten thousand dog photos and say uh huh a lot during dog raving monologues.

If it were my kids, I would feel uneasy about the obsession. What happens when the kids get older and spend less time with them? Will they be able to adjust or will they throw fits and try to smother them?

The over the top worrying whenever they are sick is them forcing their anxiety on you. This is annoying. If anything serious ever happens, these types make it worse by really falling apart when you need support.

How sad that you pp consider having pictures and thinking the best of your grandchildren is obsessive. Where did op mention they come over unannounced? Or go on every vacation?

I never received this unconditional love from parents or grandparents ( neither do my kids) and I am sad about that.

Most people would consider this a plus but there there are always people like you and op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love is great.
Love without boundaries is smothering.

What boundaries are they breaking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that the intensity goes along with expectations that turn into obligations like wanting to be included in everything, worming their way into your vacations, expecting too many visits that limit time for things your family would actually enjoy.

Some people this age can get really weird and selfish. They can behave like children grabbing a doll yelling Mine! Mine!

+1. Love is wonderful but it’s the intensity that doesn’t feel natural. It’s usually a sign that the grandchild fills a huge emotional void in their life. It tends to lead to high expectations of involvement in your child’s life and overstepping of boundaries. I have seen it too many times.

LOL. I don't agree.

You may have seen other people's kids have doting grandparents, but it has never happened to you or your children. So, the sour grapes leads you to vilify others.

Ha! Not at all correct. My in-laws intensely dote on my kids because they are the only grandchildren. We have to remind them that we are the parents and they can’t make plans for our kids without consulting us. When they are here, they want every second with the kids, including co-sleeping with them on school nights (which we had to stop because of how disruptive it was getting.)