why does my inlaws intense love for my kids bug me so much?

[Anonymous]

They are at the stage of their life where their identity is grandma and grandpa. Thats who they are. Enjoy it. Your kids will remember adoring grandparents. Its good for kdis to be surrounded by loving adults. Yes its annoying and possibly a little performative. But as long as they back up the performative attention with showing up for your kids and loving them for them. Go with it. My in-laws have a daugher and other grandkids but my oldest was the first one for a while. She got so much attention and was the most brilliant kid ever for them and they cooed and only talked about her to their friends and neighbors. Its adorable if annoying. And now my SILs toddler and soon to be newborn are all the rage with my MIL and i hear about them a ton. They still love my kids too but they can spread around their grandparent "role" to more kids. Its just very concentrated on your case.

[Anonymous]

Is it painful for you perhaps because you yourself were never cherished that way? I think they sound absolutely lovely. All kids deserve someone in their life who irrationally thinks they’re a superstar. The real world will slap them down fast enough.

[Anonymous]

If they are over 70 then a lot of it is age too. For some people their worlds and interests really narrow with age. Friends die, work ends, travel is hard and not as interesting and new hobbies are a challenge and scary. So its very concentrated on family identity etc.

[Anonymous]

Maybe because you were never intensely loved so it feels foreign and uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

op here - some of these responses have been helpful in softening my pre-emptive annoyance (we are heading to their house soon, there will be many more pictures i'm sure).

Particularly the ones about their worlds narrowing with age and their trying to define an important identify when a lot of their old markers for it are gone (worker, daughter, etc)

I definitely was not raised with my parents or grandparents treating me this way - I don't feel pain or sadness because of it, more just a shared value that you're doing your kids a disservice if you act like your kids are perfect or they are your entire world or that they're better or more special than anyone else. I guess one set of grandparents acting that way is harmless

[Anonymous]

OP, on some level I can relate, I think.

I have one friend and one in-law for whom everything is over-the-top amazing. And it kind of drives me nuts because when every single thing is constantly OMG BEST EVER, it's a little exhausting to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here - some of these responses have been helpful in softening my pre-emptive annoyance (we are heading to their house soon, there will be many more pictures i'm sure).

Particularly the ones about their worlds narrowing with age and their trying to define an important identify when a lot of their old markers for it are gone (worker, daughter, etc)

I definitely was not raised with my parents or grandparents treating me this way - I don't feel pain or sadness because of it, more just a shared value that you're doing your kids a disservice if you act like your kids are perfect or they are your entire world or that they're better or more special than anyone else. I guess one set of grandparents acting that way is harmless

It’s not only harmless, it’s wonderful. For there to be one single spot in the world where your kids can do no wrong, where everything they do is completely loved and admired? What a haven of softness against a harsh reality. No, it wouldn’t be good if this were all they were ever exposed to, it wouldn’t be healthy. But your kids know perfectly well that they aren’t the most special people in the universe. Yet I bet they will always remember that their grandparents thought they were.

[Anonymous]

Do you realize how lucky your kids are? I wish my in-laws loved my kids this much. I say this as someone with no hate toward my in-laws. They just don't love with that much passion or intensity. It's a more formal structure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe because you were never intensely loved so it feels foreign and uncomfortable.

Agree with this.

[Anonymous]

The intense love stuff in my family is usually done by people with personality issues. The worst offender ( a single aunt) could not deal as the kiddos developed their own personalities. She loved when she could project anything onto them and put them on pedestals and train them to tell her she was their favorite aunt. She showered them with gifts and praise and took endless photos and bragged.

Now that they have more obvious personalities and strengths and challenges and OPINIONS she gets really annoyed.

My MIL was the same way. She just loves a blanks slate and projects all this BS onto them and bragged and showed photos. By the time she passed away she disliked most of her grandchildren because she could not force them into a mold.

[Anonymous]

Because a (healthy) parent child relationship should be the strongest one there is. But when a grandparent or someone is THAT effusive it seems a little put-on if that's not your love language. It's not that they love the kid more than you do, but they express it differently and they have the space to, without the mental load of parenting. But it's a totally different and very separate relationship.

Let the kids and the grandparents enjoy the relationship. It sounds like you already know that as long as boundaries aren't being crossed, it's not a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here - oh how i wish this wasn't real. but it is - we have the only grandkids, they had only one kid (dh) and were unable to have more though they very much want to. so there's a lot of pent up love / loving there. i just want to be able to smile indulgently at it instead of feeling agitated every time i go in their house and see even more pics

I envy people when their worst “problem” isn’t even a problem. Grow up and be thankful your in laws give an F about kids who come from someone so petty and ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op here - oh how i wish this wasn't real. but it is - we have the only grandkids, they had only one kid (dh) and were unable to have more though they very much want to. so there's a lot of pent up love / loving there. i just want to be able to smile indulgently at it instead of feeling agitated every time i go in their house and see even more pics

I envy people when their worst “problem” isn’t even a problem. Grow up and be thankful your in laws give an F about kids who come from someone so petty and ungrateful.

this isn't my worst problem, its the annoying thing on my mind today to avoid other problems. even people in dire circumstances still get annoyed with other people...i don't think many people posting on here are posting their "worst problems"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here - some of these responses have been helpful in softening my pre-emptive annoyance (we are heading to their house soon, there will be many more pictures i'm sure).

Particularly the ones about their worlds narrowing with age and their trying to define an important identify when a lot of their old markers for it are gone (worker, daughter, etc)

I definitely was not raised with my parents or grandparents treating me this way - I don't feel pain or sadness because of it, more just a shared value that you're doing your kids a disservice if you act like your kids are perfect or they are your entire world or that they're better or more special than anyone else. I guess one set of grandparents acting that way is harmless

Hi troll, I mean op.

[Anonymous]

They sound like caring loving grandparents OP. This is fairly normal.among caring loving families. My family was / is not like this at all, so I wonder if OP didn't have this in her childhood at all either?