Family Bed - How Old is Too Old?

[Anonymous]

I think this is a tremendous overinvestment in the child. Somewhere in this family bed idea is a titanic projection of your own needs, your own being onto your children. Children can sleep perfectly fine in beds by themselves, and know that they are loved. So here is a new thinking that now they cannot: that they need to sleep with parents to be safe and secure and loved. Or worse, that their feeling of safety and comfort is paramount: certainly more important than the relationship of a father to a mother.

I cannot imagine that this overidentification with the child is not harmful to the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Or maybe the parents are just tired and have room in their beds and their kids are sweet so why fight it. My DD (5) loves sleeping with us and comes to visit most nights, sometimes we let her stay the night, sometimes I take her back to her bed after a few minutes. It often depends upon how tired I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a tremendous overinvestment in the child. Somewhere in this family bed idea is a titanic projection of your own needs, your own being onto your children. Children can sleep perfectly fine in beds by themselves, and know that they are loved. So here is a new thinking that now they cannot: that they need to sleep with parents to be safe and secure and loved. Or worse, that their feeling of safety and comfort is paramount: certainly more important than the relationship of a father to a mother.

I cannot imagine that this overidentification with the child is not harmful to the marriage.

It is-from a nanny who has actually witnessed this situation over a lengthy period of time.

[Anonymous]

I find nothing wrong with the family bed, however it's just not for me (I'm a light sleeper). One thing to note, though, was that I had a friend who slept with her parents until she was about 11 years old (not a problem in/of itself). When I would stay at her house, we would start out sleeping in her room but by the morning, she'd be in her parents' bed. I always felt uncomfortable because I couldn't (or didn't want to) go into her parents room, so I had to play by myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a tremendous overinvestment in the child. Somewhere in this family bed idea is a titanic projection of your own needs, your own being onto your children. Children can sleep perfectly fine in beds by themselves, and know that they are loved. So here is a new thinking that now they cannot: that they need to sleep with parents to be safe and secure and loved. Or worse, that their feeling of safety and comfort is paramount: certainly more important than the relationship of a father to a mother.

I cannot imagine that this overidentification with the child is not harmful to the marriage.

I would imagine the "new thinking" would be one that says a child can and should be sleeping independently from day one. People have had family beds for millennia.

[Anonymous]

We have a 5.5 yr old and a queen bed. He's a big boy, so I bought a single bed and lashed it next to the big bed, but it's not completely "seamless." We call it "his" bed and he would rather be in "our" bed, but it all works out. Interesting to hear how old he will be before he finally wants to be on his own! But we are all right with it- we use the spare bedroom for sex and we use our family bed for family connections. It's kinda nice when schedules get hectic and bed is the longest uninterrupted time we have together. Thanks for all the interesting comments!

[Anonymous]

We have a family house. We have a family room. We have family dinner most nights. Our bed is for us. Our kids are welcome to crawl in on a weekend morning, but there's got to be some place and time for just the two of us. Some people on this board seem to have completely lost their sense of being a couple to their kids.

[Anonymous]

When me 3 year old feels safe as he does in bed with mommy and daddy I feel confident that a part of Maslow's hierarchy of needs is being fulfilled.

[Anonymous]

Actually, think about Maslow's theories, and co-sleeping helps to fulfill all needs.

[Anonymous]

Ps. Intamacy is much more exciting in other rooms

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad I have DCUM to tell me exactly what is going on in my own relationship and family. I had no idea my relationship was suffering -- seems wonderful to me.

We moved our first daughter into her own bed at 2.5. We'll probably do the same around the same age with the second.

We have a king-sized bed which gives plenty of room for me to roll away from my daughter to go cuddle my husband at night. We have sex elsewhere, of course. Intimacy is fine, thanks for asking.

My daughter enjoys sleeping with us at night and we enjoy sleeping with her. She doesn't want to sleep alone and honestly, we'd miss her if she did. I don't feel the need to "train" her to sleep on her own, this is such a short period of time and again, we enjoy cuddling our sleeping tiny one.

If one parent is resentful I can see it causing problems over time -- otherwise it has been the norm for far longer than solo sleeping and continues to be in other parts of the world.

We're fine, thanks -- really.

[Anonymous]

I don't recall seeing this thread the first time around, but am interested in the thoughtful discussion now.

Interestingly, something is being described as co-sleeping that I wouldn't have thought of. That is, kids coming in at night after a bad dream, or during a thunderstorm, or in the morning to snuggle. I grew up doing this with my parents, but considered it sort of "normal" for kids to do this (not that co-sleeping isn't normal, our 4mo sleeps in our room next to our bed, and I usually bring her into bed with us at about 5am).

For those who adamantly don't co-sleep, do you think of this nighttime or early morning kid wandering in as co-sleeping? If so, do you never have your kids in your bed or room? Again, not judging anyone on either side of this at all, just genuinely curious.

[Anonymous]

Great question. I suppose we haven't practiced full time co-sleeping, but both of my girls are welcome to come in for whatever reason. (I do prefer that they fall asleep in their own beds, to give Mom a break and quiet time to read and relax)
I have been wondering if my oldest is getting a bit too old (almost 8). Which has brought me to this Forum.
She is the predominate "sneaker inner". We have had some upheaval in the the last year, separation and emminate divorce -although, she has always been the snuggler.

[Anonymous]

We co-sleep with a 9 year old and 6 year old. This isn't about not setting limits. It is about listening to what our children need. They are independent, sleep-over-at-other-kids'-houses-loving, happy, well-adjusted children. They love to snuggle with us all night. They love that a bad dream is instantly remedied by a snuggle. It's a chance for us to be with them physically, since they have school and activities and their own busyness all day. I do not think that there is evidence for either side to proclaim that it is "right." But we know that we are doing the right thing for them, and we are not in any way harming or hindering our kids by having them in our bed.
I was never allowed in my parents' bed, except on a rare occasion. And I hated that. I often felt scared at night and would have loved to snuggle. I had an entourage of animals and dolls to protect me. How sad! My kids have never ask for or wanted anything exept mom and dad, and they have us.
The sex question is utterly odd to me. I mean I am dumbstruck and simply do not understand how people think that this would be soooooo hard to accomodate. I don't want to be judgmental, but seriously they are the ones needing to spice it up a little, think outside of the box. We have a healthy sex life just as we did before kids. Being intimate in another room is just as satisfying, people.

[Anonymous]

Parents who cosleep - aren't your kids twitchy sleepers? I always thought the idea of cosleeping sounded nice, but after the reality of constant twitching, motion, feet in my face etc. I decided it wasn't for me. We have a king bed, but DS gravitated towards me and twitched and moved all night, it was horrible, just horrible.