Family Bed - How Old is Too Old?

[Anonymous]

as long as your kids have there own bed and have the choice and support to sleep in it I wouldnt worry about it they wont go to college in your bed

enjoy it mama I love sleeping with my little guy we both sleep so much better in the same bed...

if you wanted to start transitioning though you could use separate beds in the same rom and then move them once they are used to it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:40, did you have a family bed, or are you just registering a general objection to the practice? I think it would help all with an interest on the topic if you could let us know so we can weigh your input accordingly. Don't mean to sound snarky, and I apologize if it seems that way, but I do think it's a fair question. And if the answer is yes, it would help if you could share your experience (what age DC left, how did that come about, etc.).

13:40 here: I neither have nor had a family bed. Indeed, I am just registering a general objection. I fail to see how that renders my opinion any less persuasive than those writing generally in support of the family bed; ignore it all you want, but don't imply that only those who co-sleep are justified in stating their opinion. Of course, you and others only appear to seek the echo chamber of co-family sleepers -- hearing only from those who "co-sleep" so you can delude yourselves into thinking a 9 or 12 year sharing a bed with Mom & Dad is normal. It is not.

[Anonymous]

15:22

Everything you say would be fair, but for the fact that the OP did not pose her question as"Family Bed or No Family Bed." I believe she began with "For those of you who co-sleep, we were wondering when DC finally left the family bed?"

So to register a general objection to the practice is simply not responsive and ill mannered to boot (you were specifically not invited to participate).

By the way, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm an expectant mother and am strongly considering a Family Bed sleeping arrangement. But I'll go ahead and create a new thread for that which will seek to hear from those on both sides of the issue. I look forward to hearing from you there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:22

Everything you say would be fair, but for the fact that the OP did not pose her question as"Family Bed or No Family Bed." I believe she began with "For those of you who co-sleep, we were wondering when DC finally left the family bed?"

So to register a general objection to the practice is simply not responsive and ill mannered to boot (you were specifically not invited to participate).

By the way, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm an expectant mother and am strongly considering a Family Bed sleeping arrangement. But I'll go ahead and create a new thread for that which will seek to hear from those on both sides of the issue. I look forward to hearing from you there.

13:40 here:

First, I didn't realize all the rules here. So only those who agree with a poster may comment? Can I continue reading the thread, or should I stop. How about other threads that don't technically apply? I'm not an expectant mother, should I avoid that forum? And what if a subsequent post specifically seeks my comment, are the rules amended (like the posts at 13:45, 13:49, 14:10, 14:21 and 14:24)?

Second, your admonishment that I should not have responded only proves my point regarding echo chamber.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15:22

Everything you say would be fair, but for the fact that the OP did not pose her question as"Family Bed or No Family Bed." I believe she began with "For those of you who co-sleep, we were wondering when DC finally left the family bed?"

So to register a general objection to the practice is simply not responsive and ill mannered to boot (you were specifically not invited to participate).

By the way, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm an expectant mother and am strongly considering a Family Bed sleeping arrangement. But I'll go ahead and create a new thread for that which will seek to hear from those on both sides of the issue. I look forward to hearing from you there.

13:40 here:

First, I didn't realize all the rules here. So only those who agree with a poster may comment? Can I continue reading the thread, or should I stop. How about other threads that don't technically apply? I'm not an expectant mother, should I avoid that forum? And what if a subsequent post specifically seeks my comment, are the rules amended (like the posts at 13:45, 13:49, 14:10, 14:21 and 14:24)?

Second, your admonishment that I should not have responded only proves my point regarding echo chamber.

New poster here. 13:40, I don't think it's about "rules" -- it is about what makes sense and is courteous in the context of the conversation. OP believes in co-sleeping and is asking a specific question about transitioning. To jump in and yell "BOO -- cosleeping bad!!" doesn't really help her as it doesn't answer her question, definitely will not change her mind as she's coming from a fundamentally different place than you philosophically, and is really just irritating. What exactly were you hoping to accomplish with your post? I read posts with interest all the time from people with a different perspective but I won't reply unless I think I can be responsive or add to the discussion. So, if a poster asks "How do I explain where God lives to my child, who is being raised Catholic?" I would not leap in and yell "Tell her there is no God!!!" It would be tacky and pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15:22

Everything you say would be fair, but for the fact that the OP did not pose her question as"Family Bed or No Family Bed." I believe she began with "For those of you who co-sleep, we were wondering when DC finally left the family bed?"

So to register a general objection to the practice is simply not responsive and ill mannered to boot (you were specifically not invited to participate).

By the way, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm an expectant mother and am strongly considering a Family Bed sleeping arrangement. But I'll go ahead and create a new thread for that which will seek to hear from those on both sides of the issue. I look forward to hearing from you there.

13:40 here:

First, I didn't realize all the rules here. So only those who agree with a poster may comment? Can I continue reading the thread, or should I stop. How about other threads that don't technically apply? I'm not an expectant mother, should I avoid that forum? And what if a subsequent post specifically seeks my comment, are the rules amended (like the posts at 13:45, 13:49, 14:10, 14:21 and 14:24)?

Second, your admonishment that I should not have responded only proves my point regarding echo chamber.

New poster here. 13:40, I don't think it's about "rules" -- it is about what makes sense and is courteous in the context of the conversation. OP believes in co-sleeping and is asking a specific question about transitioning. To jump in and yell "BOO -- cosleeping bad!!" doesn't really help her as it doesn't answer her question, definitely will not change her mind as she's coming from a fundamentally different place than you philosophically, and is really just irritating. What exactly were you hoping to accomplish with your post? I read posts with interest all the time from people with a different perspective but I won't reply unless I think I can be responsive or add to the discussion. So, if a poster asks "How do I explain where God lives to my child, who is being raised Catholic?" I would not leap in and yell "Tell her there is no God!!!" It would be tacky and pointless.

Really? From my perspective, a conversation, as you put it, is about hearing from people who might not agree. And in my original post, I didn't say co-sleeping was bad, I offered my answer to her question of whether it was too much of a good thing. Subsequently, 13:45, 13:49, 14:10, 14:21 and 14:24 asked for further input, which I provided. And I would offer that pointless is not offering a contrarian point of view, but only listening to those who already agree with you.

[Anonymous]

13:40 here: I neither have nor had a family bed. Indeed, I am just registering a general objection. I fail to see how that renders my opinion any less persuasive than those writing generally in support of the family bed; ignore it all you want, but don't imply that only those who co-sleep are justified in stating their opinion. Of course, you and others only appear to seek the echo chamber of co-family sleepers -- hearing only from those who "co-sleep" so you can delude yourselves into thinking a 9 or 12 year sharing a bed with Mom & Dad is normal. It is not.

13:40 here:

First, I didn't realize all the rules here. So only those who agree with a poster may comment? Can I continue reading the thread, or should I stop. How about other threads that don't technically apply? I'm not an expectant mother, should I avoid that forum? And what if a subsequent post specifically seeks my comment, are the rules amended (like the posts at 13:45, 13:49, 14:10, 14:21 and 14:24)?

Second, your admonishment that I should not have responded only proves my point regarding echo chamber.

Another new poster here, writing mainly to support 16:12's clear, rational, and helpful explanation of of the "etiquette" issues involved here. Putting it less kindly than the 16:12 poster, it seems both rude and pointless to respond to someone's request for assistance from those who share a particular, specified view by ridiculing those views and calling them abnormal. I am not a co-sleeper myself, so perhaps you can see this response as showing that even outside the so-called "echo chamber" of co-sleepers, your posts seemed strikingly unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15:22

13:40 here:

First, I didn't realize all the rules here. So only those who agree with a poster may comment? Can I continue reading the thread, or should I stop. How about other threads that don't technically apply? I'm not an expectant mother, should I avoid that forum? And what if a subsequent post specifically seeks my comment, are the rules amended (like the posts at 13:45, 13:49, 14:10, 14:21 and 14:24)?

Second, your admonishment that I should not have responded only proves my point regarding echo chamber.

No

[Anonymous]

Back to OPs question --

We co-slept and transitioned DD into her own bed around age 3.5 - 4. She is now almost 6, but she is still allowed to sleep with us whenever she is sick, when one of us (parents) travel out of town, and also she gets to choose 1 night per week to sleep in our bed with us all night (currently she has chosen Tuesdays). We also let her start off the night in our bed once per week (currently she has chosen Weds) and then we pick her up and put her in her own bed before we go to sleep. This is a nice compromise for us, as we wish for her (and us) to be able to continue to enjoy co-sleeping, but we (mom and dad) also wish to have some more space in the bed, intimacy, and generally wish for her to be able to sleep in her own room at this age.

I don't think there's a clear cut age where it is not normal, as "normal" is hard to define, particularly when there is no harm being done to anyone (although some may disagree and say a 9 yr old is being harmed by this). Ultimately, this is a personal choice for you, the parent. I think it would be fine to ask the 9 year old to start sleeping in his own bed, and do the transition just like you would for a younger child (perhaps place a mattress on the floor in your bedroom at first for the child to sleep on, then move it to his room, or stay with him in his room for a while, etc.). Not sure how comfortable your 9 yr old is with this idea, but if the 9 yr old does it, I'd guess the 4 year old will want to copy the older sibling? You could also offer some rewards for transitioning, if you want, like stickers or some sort of privileges for the older child.

I do think 9 is a bit old to be with you in your bed, but this probably comes from my western cultural bias. My personal opinion is that I think now is a good time to start a gentle transition.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

[Anonymous]

PP here, we have also told DD that she can come into our bed in the middle of the night if she wakes up having a nightmare or is scared or for any reason really. She has never once done this though.

[Anonymous]

Do what is best for your family. I co-sleep with my 10 month old and allow my 13 year old to sleep with us when he wants to. He never wants to unless he is sick. Then he always wants mom's attention and snuggles. I am an only child and can remember sleeping in my parent's bed at the age of 18 when I was sick or when I had my wisdom teeth out. Not so much co-sleeping but comfort sleeping. Let your boys select beds of their own, make it fun then make it their choice. At this point if you force them out it will be an issue as sleeping with you is what they are use to. Each family is different so do not feel like you are doing something wrong - just because co-sleeping or a family bed is not someone else's choice does not mean it is the wrong choice for your family. Good Luck and you are not alone!

[Anonymous]

I think that as long as your 9 year old is capable of sleeping on his own, then it's not that big of a deal. Has he ever slept in his own bed? The reason I ask is because kids start having sleepovers around this age and he may feel strange when he's not sleeping with his parents by his side.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 6 and 8. They sometimes visit us in the middle of the night due to nightmares, illness, or for comfort. We welcome it. The 6 year old slept with us almost every night until he was 3+. I guess you will know in your heart when your kids will be better off in their own beds (rest, autonomy, privacy etc.).

[Anonymous]

It's too Old when a) someone wants to start sleeping away from the family bed or b) the quality of sleep deteriorates because there are 4 biggish people in the bed.

And when b happens, I would think to move both kids out at once --perhaps to a joint bed and then to singles (Unless of course they want to go straight to twin beds).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying this to sound judgemental but how do you have any intimacy with your husband when you co sleep with children that old?

both my children sleep with us, no problem with intimacy. We have a spare room, a couch and lots of floor space. Sex in the bed would be boring after what we have done for intimacy. As far as what is too old, I think your children will decide when it is time. I love having my children in bed with us. (age 3 and 6) It is very bonding for everyone. And as one poster stated, not uncommon in other cultures. There is nothing better than waking up to see my sweet babies asleep, snug as a bug in our bed.