SIL doesn’t respect boundaries

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op, you have no problem presently, not based on your examples. You may in the future.

These were two examples of many. I could give more but that’s the point? It’s the same story - her not respecting my wishes regarding my kids.

I thought it was your daughter's wishes? You keep flip flopping.

It was my daughter’s wishes but I communicated them to SIL. I’m not sure why you are trying to find some sort of “gotcha” with my post.

Because you aren't communicating well here and probably in reality which is probably a huge part of your problem.

I think OP's description of her statements to SIL is extremely clear. SIL is completely in the wrong.

+1. PP who thinks OP is not “communicating well,” you are wrong and you are grasping at straws. Not sure why this subject is clearly hitting a nerve for you.

Maybe PP is an overbearing, steamrolling loser like the SIL. My SIL is like this too. You can be very clear with her but she ignores it and does what she wants anyway. I don’t understand how people like this operate.

Funny i don’t have these problems in my life. This is a problem doormats have.

How is clearly stating expectations from the start to SIL being a doormat? It’s up to SIL to abide by the rules of the parent, not do what she wants no matter what she was expressly told. From the way you casually insult people as doormats it sounds like you’re an overbearing person with no respect for others’ boundaries, like the SIL.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:She is/wants to be The Fun Aunt, and you don't want her to be.

Um, no. Kid doesn’t seem that into her, and “fun” aunts still respect parental boundaries.

I’d teach DD to label aunt as unsafe each and every time. “You’re not listening to or respecting what I just said; you’re making me feel unsafe.” “Mom and Dad said you weren’t supposed to pick me up at school. If you don’t leave now, I’m going to scream and go find a safe adult.”

Are you insane?

Are you? When parents say don’t show up at my kid’s school, you will not be escorting her home, any adult who does so anyway is unsafe. Period.

.

Yet she’s welcome in the home 6-8x a year drama llama.

In the home is SUPERVISED and PLANNED, dingbat.

Why are you so mad?

Do you or do you not understand the difference between a planned and supervised visit, and an unplanned, already-denied visit with a minor child? This is a yes or no question.

There isn't a custody or court mandated visitation order, weirdo. Her husband picks his family up from the airport and welcomes them in with open arms. Because they rule the roost.

No, they don’t. OP and DH set boundaries and SIL ignores. OP and DH now rightly tell DD SIL is an unsafe person, and visits and interactions will be supervised from now on.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I dunno, this seems like much ado about nothing. How often does SIL come to visit?

At least 6-8x/yr, sometimes more. She flies in from Boston and sometimes takes the train. But she doesn’t have much else going on so she’s here a lot.

So when she travels to you all these times she gets around in a taxi? This sounds a little farfetched.

No. My husband usually picks her up. This particular day her plane was early so she took a taxi straight to the school.

Anything else?

This sounds like another culture clash. What culture are you and your husband?

Husband is white. I am Japanese.

OP--I'm on your side 1000%. I offered advice on the first page about how to speak directly to her. AND I will gently offer that your communication may not have been as clear as you intended. My SIL is Japanese and married to my white brother. We've had minor disagreements over the years because of communication clashes. Japanese communication can come off as indirect to the American listener when that was not the intention.

I would suggest enlisting your husband's help with setting some clear boundaries. Present as a united front about what's okay and not okay. No one needs to overexplain or qualify or apologize. Just state in the simplest terms what is okay with you.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t culture clash at all. SIL is one of the dime a dozen pushy, obnoxious people who has been enabled by her family. She has learned that ignoring others means she gets what she wants. Her mother laughing it off with oh that’s SIL emboldens and enables her.

You have to be very firm, direct, almost aggressive in your interactions with her to get her to stop. You have to not care if she gets upset, weepy, pouty or thinks you are a big meanie ( people like your SIL often taken on a wounded child, baby behavior when they are told no firmly).

DH has an aunt like this and we both hold the line at letting her step all over our kids. If they need a break from her or don’t want to do something she is badgering them to do, we tell her directly to stop it. We don’t sugar coat it blaming our kid for needing a break. We directly tell her X kid has had enough, has told you this and you need to back off now. If she still doesn’t and throws a fit, tell her she can leave if she can’t respect other people.

[Anonymous]

Why isn’t your husband having these conversations with his sister?

Do you have other examples of her boundary crossing? I’ll just say this one doesn’t seem worth the fight. I get that your dd likes to walk home by herself, but it doesn’t seem that big of a deal for her aunt to walk with her this one time. It’s not like it’s happening every day or every week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno, this seems like much ado about nothing. How often does SIL come to visit?

At least 6-8x/yr, sometimes more. She flies in from Boston and sometimes takes the train. But she doesn’t have much else going on so she’s here a lot.

So when she travels to you all these times she gets around in a taxi? This sounds a little farfetched.

No. My husband usually picks her up. This particular day her plane was early so she took a taxi straight to the school.

Anything else?

This sounds like another culture clash. What culture are you and your husband?

Husband is white. I am Japanese.

White is not a culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t culture clash at all. SIL is one of the dime a dozen pushy, obnoxious people who has been enabled by her family. She has learned that ignoring others means she gets what she wants. Her mother laughing it off with oh that’s SIL emboldens and enables her.

You have to be very firm, direct, almost aggressive in your interactions with her to get her to stop. You have to not care if she gets upset, weepy, pouty or thinks you are a big meanie ( people like your SIL often taken on a wounded child, baby behavior when they are told no firmly).

DH has an aunt like this and we both hold the line at letting her step all over our kids. If they need a break from her or don’t want to do something she is badgering them to do, we tell her directly to stop it. We don’t sugar coat it blaming our kid for needing a break. We directly tell her X kid has had enough, has told you this and you need to back off now. If she still doesn’t and throws a fit, tell her she can leave if she can’t respect other people.

It's clearly a culture clash. OP and her DH are not of the same culture.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is/wants to be The Fun Aunt, and you don't want her to be.

Um, no. Kid doesn’t seem that into her, and “fun” aunts still respect parental boundaries.

I’d teach DD to label aunt as unsafe each and every time. “You’re not listening to or respecting what I just said; you’re making me feel unsafe.” “Mom and Dad said you weren’t supposed to pick me up at school. If you don’t leave now, I’m going to scream and go find a safe adult.”

Are you insane?

Are you? When parents say don’t show up at my kid’s school, you will not be escorting her home, any adult who does so anyway is unsafe. Period.

.

Yet she’s welcome in the home 6-8x a year drama llama.

In the home is SUPERVISED and PLANNED, dingbat.

Why are you so mad?

Do you or do you not understand the difference between a planned and supervised visit, and an unplanned, already-denied visit with a minor child? This is a yes or no question.

There isn't a custody or court mandated visitation order, weirdo. Her husband picks his family up from the airport and welcomes them in with open arms. Because they rule the roost.

No, they don’t. OP and DH set boundaries and SIL ignores. OP and DH now rightly tell DD SIL is an unsafe person, and visits and interactions will be supervised from now on.

DH sets the boundaries? You sure about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you have no problem presently, not based on your examples. You may in the future.

These were two examples of many. I could give more but that’s the point? It’s the same story - her not respecting my wishes regarding my kids.

I thought it was your daughter's wishes? You keep flip flopping.

It was my daughter’s wishes but I communicated them to SIL. I’m not sure why you are trying to find some sort of “gotcha” with my post.

Because you aren't communicating well here and probably in reality which is probably a huge part of your problem.

I think OP's description of her statements to SIL is extremely clear. SIL is completely in the wrong.

+1. PP who thinks OP is not “communicating well,” you are wrong and you are grasping at straws. Not sure why this subject is clearly hitting a nerve for you.

Maybe PP is an overbearing, steamrolling loser like the SIL. My SIL is like this too. You can be very clear with her but she ignores it and does what she wants anyway. I don’t understand how people like this operate.

Funny i don’t have these problems in my life. This is a problem doormats have.

How is clearly stating expectations from the start to SIL being a doormat? It’s up to SIL to abide by the rules of the parent, not do what she wants no matter what she was expressly told. From the way you casually insult people as doormats it sounds like you’re an overbearing person with no respect for others’ boundaries, like the SIL.

Then problem solved! OP clearly stated the expectations. Glad you could be a big help here.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Did you ever ask your daughter if she wanted a ride home from Aunt? It seems like you're answering for her without having asked if she would like that.

Irrelevant. The issue isn’t whether DD wanted a ride (she didn’t), it’s that SIL ignored me when I told her to not go to DD’s school. If I had answered for DD the situation would still be the same.

You don't know she didn't when not even asked. You know OP didn't ask.

Sorry that was me (OP). Daughter didn’t want a ride. I did ask.

Then say that. Because you weren't very clear. She doesn't want Aunt to pick her up, not all the other nonsense about wanting to walk home alone. I'd much rather my daughter have a ride than walk home alone when she has other options, but you do you.

DP, she is not your daughter and if her parents are ok with her walking home alone then it’s not up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever ask your daughter if she wanted a ride home from Aunt? It seems like you're answering for her without having asked if she would like that.

Irrelevant. The issue isn’t whether DD wanted a ride (she didn’t), it’s that SIL ignored me when I told her to not go to DD’s school. If I had answered for DD the situation would still be the same.

You don't know she didn't when not even asked. You know OP didn't ask.

Sorry that was me (OP). Daughter didn’t want a ride. I did ask.

Then say that. Because you weren't very clear. She doesn't want Aunt to pick her up, not all the other nonsense about wanting to walk home alone. I'd much rather my daughter have a ride than walk home alone when she has other options, but you do you.

DP, she is not your daughter and if her parents are ok with her walking home alone then it’s not up to you.

Cool, but OP is the one asking advice so she's going to get advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First situation: I would 100% have allowed sil to pick up my kid after crossing guard duty. My sil did this and my kid loved it. Your reason for not allowing this is silly but you probably know that.

Whenever a family member isn't understanding the situation, I step in for my kid. I agree with pp about running interference. "Oh, sil, Larla wants some down time right now so I told her she can retreat to her artist's lair alone for a bit." Then when DD is in her room, explain to sil that dd functions so much better when she gets some alone time, therefore you're allowing it even when relatives visit. (Google introvert recharge time if you need words to help sil understand how normal this is).

She used to pick up DD from school - quite often, as a matter of fact. But now DD prefers to walk home alone. It’s not about the specific scenario; it’s about her not listening when I specifically ask her to NOT do something.

Then you need to call her out it:
“Madge, I specifically told you not to go to Larla’s school but to come here. Yet you went to the school. Is it that you didn’t understand my direction or that you did understand and chose to ignore it?”

She’ll argue back right away with “What was the big deal? Larla loved having me pick her up! Gosh get over yourself.”

And you can respond with, “So you chose to ignore my request and just do what you wanted to do. Let me be clear this time: When I give a direction about my kids, my expectation is that you follow it. That’s it.” Then walk away. There’s no more discussion.

Then stop having her stay with you. And definitely stop sharing information about your family. People who don’t respect boundaries don’t get rewarded with attention and information.

^ Agree w this.

SIL needs to make the connection that by ignoring your instructions regarding your kids, she is showing that she can’t/won’t be trusted with them in the future, especially since she can’t seem to read the room and back off from them when they need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever ask your daughter if she wanted a ride home from Aunt? It seems like you're answering for her without having asked if she would like that.

Irrelevant. The issue isn’t whether DD wanted a ride (she didn’t), it’s that SIL ignored me when I told her to not go to DD’s school. If I had answered for DD the situation would still be the same.

You don't know she didn't when not even asked. You know OP didn't ask.

Sorry that was me (OP). Daughter didn’t want a ride. I did ask.

Then say that. Because you weren't very clear. She doesn't want Aunt to pick her up, not all the other nonsense about wanting to walk home alone. I'd much rather my daughter have a ride than walk home alone when she has other options, but you do you.

DP, she is not your daughter and if her parents are ok with her walking home alone then it’s not up to you.

Cool, but OP is the one asking advice so she's going to get advice.

NP. You didn't give advice - you stated your opinion of whether OP should have wanted SIL to pick her daughter up - again that's not advice. Who cares what you think of the decision - OP didn't ask that of the post - she's confident in her own parenting choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you have no problem presently, not based on your examples. You may in the future.

These were two examples of many. I could give more but that’s the point? It’s the same story - her not respecting my wishes regarding my kids.

I thought it was your daughter's wishes? You keep flip flopping.

It was my daughter’s wishes but I communicated them to SIL. I’m not sure why you are trying to find some sort of “gotcha” with my post.

Because you aren't communicating well here and probably in reality which is probably a huge part of your problem.

I think OP's description of her statements to SIL is extremely clear. SIL is completely in the wrong.

+1. PP who thinks OP is not “communicating well,” you are wrong and you are grasping at straws. Not sure why this subject is clearly hitting a nerve for you.

Maybe PP is an overbearing, steamrolling loser like the SIL. My SIL is like this too. You can be very clear with her but she ignores it and does what she wants anyway. I don’t understand how people like this operate.

Funny i don’t have these problems in my life. This is a problem doormats have.

How is clearly stating expectations from the start to SIL being a doormat? It’s up to SIL to abide by the rules of the parent, not do what she wants no matter what she was expressly told. From the way you casually insult people as doormats it sounds like you’re an overbearing person with no respect for others’ boundaries, like the SIL.

Then problem solved! OP clearly stated the expectations. Glad you could be a big help here.

OP did her part, what should she do now that SIL is not listening? Maybe you can enlighten us on the mind of the crazy, overbearing SIL since you clearly identify with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First situation: I would 100% have allowed sil to pick up my kid after crossing guard duty. My sil did this and my kid loved it. Your reason for not allowing this is silly but you probably know that.

Whenever a family member isn't understanding the situation, I step in for my kid. I agree with pp about running interference. "Oh, sil, Larla wants some down time right now so I told her she can retreat to her artist's lair alone for a bit." Then when DD is in her room, explain to sil that dd functions so much better when she gets some alone time, therefore you're allowing it even when relatives visit. (Google introvert recharge time if you need words to help sil understand how normal this is).

Here we go.