SIL doesn’t respect boundaries

[Anonymous]

... let's just do it anyway ... don't tell anyone, wink wink. Did I miss the important point, does SIL have kids? Once married with kids of her own, you likely won't have a problem. If she never has kids, you might have a problem. Is she a bit wild? The adventures will get more defiant.

[Anonymous]

Fun Aunt is pathetic and is aiming to not be invited in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever ask your daughter if she wanted a ride home from Aunt? It seems like you're answering for her without having asked if she would like that.

Irrelevant. The issue isn’t whether DD wanted a ride (she didn’t), it’s that SIL ignored me when I told her to not go to DD’s school. If I had answered for DD the situation would still be the same.

You don't know she didn't when not even asked. You know OP didn't ask.

Sorry that was me (OP). Daughter didn’t want a ride. I did ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: ... let's just do it anyway ... don't tell anyone, wink wink. Did I miss the important point, does SIL have kids? Once married with kids of her own, you likely won't have a problem. If she never has kids, you might have a problem. Is she a bit wild? The adventures will get more defiant.

She is divorced, no kids. Not wild at all. No plans to get remarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husbands sister, even when spoken to directly, ignores boundaries. The most recent example happened a few weeks ago. SIL was flying in and she said she wanted to meet my daughter to pick her up from school. I told her “no, DD has an after school duty (think crossing guard) and is busy hanging with her friends and gets a great sense of independence walking home alone. Just come straight to our house when you land.” What did she do? She took a taxi straight to the school to meet DD! (Sidebar: MIL wanted to do the same, but I asked her to meet us at the house instead, just like I told SIL. She said “that’s fine. But you know that won’t stop SIL!”)

There are many other examples. For instance, when my older daughter needs a break from her (she’s VERY clingy), and says “I’m going to go paint in my room for a bit”, my SIL says “oh I’ll come with you!” We’ve tried coaching DD today no, but she feels bad for her Aunt.

Not sure what to do considering she ignores explicit directives. I need help!

Awful. This kind of stuff destroys relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever ask your daughter if she wanted a ride home from Aunt? It seems like you're answering for her without having asked if she would like that.

Irrelevant. The issue isn’t whether DD wanted a ride (she didn’t), it’s that SIL ignored me when I told her to not go to DD’s school. If I had answered for DD the situation would still be the same.

You don't know she didn't when not even asked. You know OP didn't ask.

Sorry that was me (OP). Daughter didn’t want a ride. I did ask.

Then say that. Because you weren't very clear. She doesn't want Aunt to pick her up, not all the other nonsense about wanting to walk home alone. I'd much rather my daughter have a ride than walk home alone when she has other options, but you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is/wants to be The Fun Aunt, and you don't want her to be.

Um, no. Kid doesn’t seem that into her, and “fun” aunts still respect parental boundaries.

I’d teach DD to label aunt as unsafe each and every time. “You’re not listening to or respecting what I just said; you’re making me feel unsafe.” “Mom and Dad said you weren’t supposed to pick me up at school. If you don’t leave now, I’m going to scream and go find a safe adult.”

[Anonymous]

Op, you have no problem presently, not based on your examples. You may in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is/wants to be The Fun Aunt, and you don't want her to be.

Um, no. Kid doesn’t seem that into her, and “fun” aunts still respect parental boundaries.

I’d teach DD to label aunt as unsafe each and every time. “You’re not listening to or respecting what I just said; you’re making me feel unsafe.” “Mom and Dad said you weren’t supposed to pick me up at school. If you don’t leave now, I’m going to scream and go find a safe adult.”

Are you insane?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is/wants to be The Fun Aunt, and you don't want her to be.

Um, no. Kid doesn’t seem that into her, and “fun” aunts still respect parental boundaries.

I’d teach DD to label aunt as unsafe each and every time. “You’re not listening to or respecting what I just said; you’re making me feel unsafe.” “Mom and Dad said you weren’t supposed to pick me up at school. If you don’t leave now, I’m going to scream and go find a safe adult.”

I wouldn't go this far, but I do think that it's important for the DD to understand that she should expect to have her boundaries respected, and that her mother has a right to have her own boundaries respected.

[Anonymous]

I dunno, this seems like much ado about nothing. How often does SIL come to visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno, this seems like much ado about nothing. How often does SIL come to visit?

At least 6-8x/yr, sometimes more. She flies in from Boston and sometimes takes the train. But she doesn’t have much else going on so she’s here a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno, this seems like much ado about nothing. How often does SIL come to visit?

At least 6-8x/yr, sometimes more. She flies in from Boston and sometimes takes the train. But she doesn’t have much else going on so she’s here a lot.

So when she travels to you all these times she gets around in a taxi? This sounds a little farfetched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno, this seems like much ado about nothing. How often does SIL come to visit?

At least 6-8x/yr, sometimes more. She flies in from Boston and sometimes takes the train. But she doesn’t have much else going on so she’s here a lot.

So when she travels to you all these times she gets around in a taxi? This sounds a little farfetched.

No. My husband usually picks her up. This particular day her plane was early so she took a taxi straight to the school.

Anything else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno, this seems like much ado about nothing. How often does SIL come to visit?

At least 6-8x/yr, sometimes more. She flies in from Boston and sometimes takes the train. But she doesn’t have much else going on so she’s here a lot.

So when she travels to you all these times she gets around in a taxi? This sounds a little farfetched.

No. My husband usually picks her up. This particular day her plane was early so she took a taxi straight to the school.

Anything else?

And sometimes Uber. Hope that helps.