SIL doesn’t respect boundaries

[Anonymous]

My husbands sister, even when spoken to directly, ignores boundaries. The most recent example happened a few weeks ago. SIL was flying in and she said she wanted to meet my daughter to pick her up from school. I told her “no, DD has an after school duty (think crossing guard) and is busy hanging with her friends and gets a great sense of independence walking home alone. Just come straight to our house when you land.” What did she do? She took a taxi straight to the school to meet DD! (Sidebar: MIL wanted to do the same, but I asked her to meet us at the house instead, just like I told SIL. She said “that’s fine. But you know that won’t stop SIL!”)

There are many other examples. For instance, when my older daughter needs a break from her (she’s VERY clingy), and says “I’m going to go paint in my room for a bit”, my SIL says “oh I’ll come with you!” We’ve tried coaching DD today no, but she feels bad for her Aunt.

Not sure what to do considering she ignores explicit directives. I need help!

[Anonymous]

Who tells her?
Your husband or you?
I find that sibling to sibling direct conversations are best for this.
In addition, your husband should step in and support your daughter and run the interference that your daughter needs.
Across the family, there should be a sign / phrase so your daughter gets the space and support she requires.

[Anonymous]

Be more blunt. Together both tell her to knock it off. Respect our boundaries with our kids or you are no longer welcome to visit. Or say she will need to stay at a hotel and at no time engage with your child without a parent present.

[Anonymous]

Tell her less (which schools your kids go to), accept her less often, and be more blunt. "Actually Sierra was just being polite - she wants some time alone. Please leave her alone."

[Anonymous]

First situation: I would 100% have allowed sil to pick up my kid after crossing guard duty. My sil did this and my kid loved it. Your reason for not allowing this is silly but you probably know that.

Whenever a family member isn't understanding the situation, I step in for my kid. I agree with pp about running interference. "Oh, sil, Larla wants some down time right now so I told her she can retreat to her artist's lair alone for a bit." Then when DD is in her room, explain to sil that dd functions so much better when she gets some alone time, therefore you're allowing it even when relatives visit. (Google introvert recharge time if you need words to help sil understand how normal this is).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First situation: I would 100% have allowed sil to pick up my kid after crossing guard duty. My sil did this and my kid loved it. Your reason for not allowing this is silly but you probably know that.

Whenever a family member isn't understanding the situation, I step in for my kid. I agree with pp about running interference. "Oh, sil, Larla wants some down time right now so I told her she can retreat to her artist's lair alone for a bit." Then when DD is in her room, explain to sil that dd functions so much better when she gets some alone time, therefore you're allowing it even when relatives visit. (Google introvert recharge time if you need words to help sil understand how normal this is).

She used to pick up DD from school - quite often, as a matter of fact. But now DD prefers to walk home alone. It’s not about the specific scenario; it’s about her not listening when I specifically ask her to NOT do something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First situation: I would 100% have allowed sil to pick up my kid after crossing guard duty. My sil did this and my kid loved it. Your reason for not allowing this is silly but you probably know that.

Whenever a family member isn't understanding the situation, I step in for my kid. I agree with pp about running interference. "Oh, sil, Larla wants some down time right now so I told her she can retreat to her artist's lair alone for a bit." Then when DD is in her room, explain to sil that dd functions so much better when she gets some alone time, therefore you're allowing it even when relatives visit. (Google introvert recharge time if you need words to help sil understand how normal this is).

She used to pick up DD from school - quite often, as a matter of fact. But now DD prefers to walk home alone. It’s not about the specific scenario; it’s about her not listening when I specifically ask her to NOT do something.

Then you need to call her out it:
“Madge, I specifically told you not to go to Larla’s school but to come here. Yet you went to the school. Is it that you didn’t understand my direction or that you did understand and chose to ignore it?”

She’ll argue back right away with “What was the big deal? Larla loved having me pick her up! Gosh get over yourself.”

And you can respond with, “So you chose to ignore my request and just do what you wanted to do. Let me be clear this time: When I give a direction about my kids, my expectation is that you follow it. That’s it.” Then walk away. There’s no more discussion.

Then stop having her stay with you. And definitely stop sharing information about your family. People who don’t respect boundaries don’t get rewarded with attention and information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First situation: I would 100% have allowed sil to pick up my kid after crossing guard duty. My sil did this and my kid loved it. Your reason for not allowing this is silly but you probably know that.

Whenever a family member isn't understanding the situation, I step in for my kid. I agree with pp about running interference. "Oh, sil, Larla wants some down time right now so I told her she can retreat to her artist's lair alone for a bit." Then when DD is in her room, explain to sil that dd functions so much better when she gets some alone time, therefore you're allowing it even when relatives visit. (Google introvert recharge time if you need words to help sil understand how normal this is).

Did you not read what OP wrote?
DD likes walking home alone. She is sick of clingy Aunt.

[Anonymous]

Tell DD in front of SIL that if SIL shows up at school, unannounced/unplanned by you and DH first, she is to go to the office and tell them to call you because and unsafe adult is trying to get her without your knowledge or consent.

[Anonymous]

Did you ever ask your daughter if she wanted a ride home from Aunt? It seems like you're answering for her without having asked if she would like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever ask your daughter if she wanted a ride home from Aunt? It seems like you're answering for her without having asked if she would like that.

Irrelevant. The issue isn’t whether DD wanted a ride (she didn’t), it’s that SIL ignored me when I told her to not go to DD’s school. If I had answered for DD the situation would still be the same.

[Anonymous]

How often is this happening if SIL has to “fly in”? I feel quite differently about this if it happens during two weeks out of the year versus weekly.

[Anonymous]

She is/wants to be The Fun Aunt, and you don't want her to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever ask your daughter if she wanted a ride home from Aunt? It seems like you're answering for her without having asked if she would like that.

Irrelevant. The issue isn’t whether DD wanted a ride (she didn’t), it’s that SIL ignored me when I told her to not go to DD’s school. If I had answered for DD the situation would still be the same.

You don't know she didn't when not even asked. You know OP didn't ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is/wants to be The Fun Aunt, and you don't want her to be.

There's clearly something like this going. She used to pick the daughter up all the time, now daughter doesn't want her mom to pick her up b/c she's probably embarrassing, but we don't know she wouldn't want the fun aunt to pick her up like she used to.