Dating a guy I’m crazy about but have concerns

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 27 and he is 26. In many ways he is my dream man! Handsome, sweet, well-read, worldly and smart. So kind and adores me!

I want to get married and have children. It is the only real goal I have for myself. And I worry as I realize that having that family lifestyle in Nova requires a certain income. I do not come from money and work at a non profit as a program assistant. My BF makes only a little more than me as a research analyst even though he has a masters from SAIS.

I guess it’s occurring to me that neither of us in on the path to make a lot of money and then…how will we get married, buy a house and have children?


It makes me worry. I love him SO much and I don’t want to act like a gold digger by breaking up with him because I don’t think he’ll ever be able to afford a family… what do I do?

This is so sad to read. You found a guy who you utterly love and you are actually thinking of breaking up with him just because he doesn't make enough money right now. Women like you are your own worst enemy and it shows that you would rather have a crap married with money than a loving marriage being middle income.

It's really sad to even read this. Do you know how many people would rather have true love than just have money? You are the reason women are so unhappy and why men hate women.

She isn't saying she wants a sugar daddy. I'd say she's being realistic. You know how fast "real love" falls by the wayside when every single second is a struggle financially. They both need to proactively figure out a plan. Move to a LCOL area? Get better jobs?

He doesn't need a nonprofit partner who wants a lifestyle she can't afford.

[Anonymous]

Please let him find a better partner than you

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you set some goals (besides having children?) Those could be get a promotion where you are or get a higher paying job or get more education/training so you make more money.


I am bothered by your instinct to find a man with a better job, rather than make that happen for yourself. Develop independence, it is a much safer plan than attaching to a man.

(And if you love him, don’t risk him over material possessions. You may always regret it. Remember , there are cheaper places to live!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how much is your combined HHI? $150k or over $200k?

Op here. We make 140k combined.

Holy Moly! Both of you are rich!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At your age, considering you're fit, you could probably make some good money on OnlyFans or Chaturbate. Something to consider.

You would never say this to a man.

Really disrespectful of what women have to offer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 27 and he is 26. In many ways he is my dream man! Handsome, sweet, well-read, worldly and smart. So kind and adores me!

I want to get married and have children. It is the only real goal I have for myself. And I worry as I realize that having that family lifestyle in Nova requires a certain income. I do not come from money and work at a non profit as a program assistant. My BF makes only a little more than me as a research analyst even though he has a masters from SAIS.

I guess it’s occurring to me that neither of us in on the path to make a lot of money and then…how will we get married, buy a house and have children?


It makes me worry. I love him SO much and I don’t want to act like a gold digger by breaking up with him because I don’t think he’ll ever be able to afford a family… what do I do?

You should get a job that pays more now while you are young and can invest it and have time to learn new skills. It’s easy to transfer skills from business to nonprofit, not so easy the other way around if you ever need to later in life.

Also, I don’t recommend fully leaving the workplace for a long period of time - even though childcare costs similar to a low professional salary, think of it as costing you experience and learning which would translate to much higher pay decades later. This is what my XH convinced me of at the time and now I see that it wasn’t a nanny’s pay vs mine, it was the fact that my salary would likely grow in that decade to eventually be much higher but instead I stopped, and when I got back into work I was starting at bottom again.

I wish I could tell younger me these things. I’m doing ok now and love my kids. I also got divorced.

Signed, 41 yo divorced mom of 4 who was working at a nonprofit in her 20s

4 kids? More than 2 kids is looking for trouble. Sorry, no sympathies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to imagine anyone graduating from sais who is happy settling with a spouse whose only goal is to get married and have kids. Have you told him that?

I find it very easy to imagine. It's much, much easier to have an international career if your wife has no career at all and just manages the kids and handles your absences and relocations.

True but that's not affordable or desirable anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have family money?

I dated two guys who were not enough, the one who was not ambitious or successful enough turned out to have a ton of family money; the one who was a brilliant professor later became an almost billionaire through biotech. You never know.

Marriage isn't based on assumption that some miracle of inheritance or lottery or something will change your life. You've to be ready to happily tackle life together and make lemonade of life's lemons.

[Anonymous]

I feel for the guy who is only 26 and building his career. He doesn't need to get trapped like this.

[Anonymous]

Look for new jobs, but also look into being promoted. How long have you been at that nonprofit? Can you become a Program Manager from assistant? It looks good for employers to see you have been promoted at a company.

If not, ask your boss what you need to do to be promoted. Ask for a timeline and if they know of any positions opening up. Make yourself indispensable. If you're interested in a a different department, speak to someone in that department. I know everyone is work/life balance and all, but I worked my tail off (as did my now spouse) to make ourselves valuable where we worked. This led to promotions, and then job changes with higher salaries. I am not the, "I have a gym class at 8AM I can't go to the meeting" person.

USAID jobs is a good idea, but I know some people who apply forever and don't get anywhere, so I think it is good to have different plans. Look into private sector jobs too, even Executive Assistants. A former colleague of my sister's became an EA in the private sector and she managed other EAs and was making into the 6 figures. Previously she had been a Program Manager, but made more $ as an EA.

If you aren't interested in programs, look into development/advancement. Fundraising can move all over including higher education where you can make decent money and some universities will pay a portion of your kids college fees (depending on # of years employed). They also have development at hospitals, non profits, etc, and you can spin it into different careers.

As for your boyfriend, talk to him, ask him his 5 year plan. He should also contact SAIS career services for ideas and network at alumni events, I am sure there are plenty in DC. He should go for informational interviews and ask to be connected to alumni who work where he would like to go into.

I know many people out of policy school who don't get their dream job, so they become an analyst while they apply for FSO, or clearances, etc. But know if he goes into government he won't make big bucks right away either, it is about sticking it out for the pension or using it to go into private sector later.

Good luck!

I would save, invest, save right now. Don't brunch, get a second job on the weekends, babysit or go work at a place you love to buy stuff. I would not buy new clothes, look at thrift stores or Poshmark. If you love makeup go work at Sephora to get the discount. No fancy purses, don't get the newest iPhone, don't buy a car, walk or bike everywhere.

Since you both are young can you rent somewhere cheap together or can you rent a room in cheaper accommodation? I know everyone wants to live in a fancy building with a gym, but you don't need that. Run outside, buy a pair of dumbbells and do it at home. Youtube workout videos. My husband and I literally lived in an awful place for awhile to save money. Don't live anywhere that is dangerous, but try and cut costs where you can and invest that money.

[Anonymous]

Rent, have 1 child. Better to be with the right man than have more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you dont sound like much of a catch. Thats not going to bode well for you if you dump your bf - who already makes more than you.

Not OP, but lol -- you don't know that.

How so?
OP doesnt mention a degree for her, but does her bf. So likely no degree. Making less than $70k. Not very loyal as she's willing to drop this guy based on his wallet. Hasn't already landed a whale, and is approaching 30.
Yeah, total catch

This^. I don't no name dropping of a grad degree from Columbia or Georgetown for herself.

[Anonymous]

*I don't see no name dropping

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you set some goals (besides having children?) Those could be get a promotion where you are or get a higher paying job or get more education/training so you make more money.


I am bothered by your instinct to find a man with a better job, rather than make that happen for yourself. Develop independence, it is a much safer plan than attaching to a man.

(And if you love him, don’t risk him over material possessions. You may always regret it. Remember , there are cheaper places to live!)

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask him if he sees himself taking on more responsibility in his job soon. He's almost 30...time to start making real money.

If he doesn't have an answer, you'll at least have yours.

She is older so shouldn't she be earning more?