Dating a guy I’m crazy about but have concerns

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and going for it. If you know you want to be a SAHM to a man who makes a lot of money, you should pursue that instead of stringing your low-earning, sweet, kind, intelligent, adoring, handsome boyfriend along. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to him.

Does your BF come from money? Will breaking up with him be the impetus he needs to kick it into high gear and become a super rich entrepreneur that you will google from your lonely McMansion twenty years from now? Or will you be so busy with your kids' lacrosse practices and planning your annual winter couples' getaway to St. Barth's that you didn't even recognize him begging for change on the sidewalk in front of the coffee shop you used to go to together when you were too poor to buy anything other than a drip coffee?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 27 and he is 26. In many ways he is my dream man! Handsome, sweet, well-read, worldly and smart. So kind and adores me!

I want to get married and have children. It is the only real goal I have for myself. And I worry as I realize that having that family lifestyle in Nova requires a certain income. I do not come from money and work at a non profit as a program assistant. My BF makes only a little more than me as a research analyst even though he has a masters from SAIS.

I guess it’s occurring to me that neither of us in on the path to make a lot of money and then…how will we get married, buy a house and have children?


It makes me worry. I love him SO much and I don’t want to act like a gold digger by breaking up with him because I don’t think he’ll ever be able to afford a family… what do I do?

Write a better Troll post next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and going for it. If you know you want to be a SAHM to a man who makes a lot of money, you should pursue that instead of stringing your low-earning, sweet, kind, intelligent, adoring, handsome boyfriend along. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to him.

Does your BF come from money? Will breaking up with him be the impetus he needs to kick it into high gear and become a super rich entrepreneur that you will google from your lonely McMansion twenty years from now? Or will you be so busy with your kids' lacrosse practices and planning your annual winter couples' getaway to St. Barth's that you didn't even recognize him begging for change on the sidewalk in front of the coffee shop you used to go to together when you were too poor to buy anything other than a drip coffee?

the boyfriend isn't that poor...OP says they have no kids and make 140k combined.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are the drag on this relationship. What you’re saying is he doesn’t make enough for you to SAH, which is true.

You are going to need to get a graduate degree and a better paying job if you want to stay with him and be materially comfortable.

What is your income split? Do you each have any debt?

[Anonymous]

If she works, they are fine. If she wants to be a stay at home mom, it may not work.

[Anonymous]

You should worry about yourself. Your only goal for yourself is to be a stay at home mom, financially dependent on a man? If I were your mother I'd smack you upside the head to knock some sense into you.

[Anonymous]

Does he have family money?

I dated two guys who were not enough, the one who was not ambitious or successful enough turned out to have a ton of family money; the one who was a brilliant professor later became an almost billionaire through biotech. You never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to imagine anyone graduating from sais who is happy settling with a spouse whose only goal is to get married and have kids. Have you told him that?

I find it very easy to imagine. It's much, much easier to have an international career if your wife has no career at all and just manages the kids and handles your absences and relocations.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you saying you want to be a SAHM? This isn't a good plan for many reasons.

You both need to get better jobs?

[Anonymous]

OP, as a 27 year old program assistant from a not-rich family, do you really think if you dump your boyfriend you'll actually be able to find and lock down someone who is rich and just wants a SAHM and is head over heels in love with you?

[Anonymous]

I actually think this is a wise thing to think about in considering marriage.

First of all - you will need to talk to him about all of this to get a better idea of what is possible. You’ll want to share the importance of family with him, and then you both need to discuss financial goals etc… if you do foresee a lifestyle that requires more income then you need to talk about what his career goals are and if the two of you together would want to work toward those financial goals. He might be willing to take on a professional track that makes more money. You might too, or it might look like you supporting him by taking care of family and home so he can focus more time on work.

There is nothing wrong with anything you said. I think it is short sighted for people to jump to judgment. This is exactly the type of concern that married couples come up against all the time. It is smart to have these conversations before marriage!!

[Anonymous]

you might be better off moving to a place like charlotte or atlanta and trying to date guys who work in the private sector.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man is not a plan. Kids are expensive. You need to get a better paying job.

-signed a mom of DS and DD, and I grew up lower income.

This.

OP, YOU YOU YOU need to be get on track to be making more money. That's actually more important than worrying whether a 26yo guy you like is earning enough.

Consider this: the chances that you two will get married, that he'll make enough money for you to stay home to have babies and live in Arlington, that you'll live happily ever after without divorcing or having some sort of financial crisis ..... are pretty low.

(Yes, it definitely happens but that's not a plan.)

So what is YOUR plan for yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a 27 year old program assistant from a not-rich family, do you really think if you dump your boyfriend you'll actually be able to find and lock down someone who is rich and just wants a SAHM and is head over heels in love with you?

Most guys with good income and SAHMs fit into a few categories:
1. Their wife is well-educated and professionally accomplished and she worked several years before SAHM and might return to work or at least could return to work if something happened to the husband. OP, as a lowly program assistant at a nonprofit at 27, doesn't really fit in this category. 2. They knew from an early age they wanted a SAHM and so got locked down/paired up very young, like in high school or college. At 27, OP is too late for this one.

[Anonymous]

OP you dont sound like much of a catch. Thats not going to bode well for you if you dump your bf - who already makes more than you.