SIL in her 50’s doesn’t pay her rent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don’t. But DH does. And it’s his house as well and he’s willing to put up with their (his sister’s and mother’s) bad behavior. Because according to him, they’re the only family he has.

Do you have reason to believe he has other family that he's not revealing?

Well, if you mean, besides for the family that he married and lives in his house, yes, actually I know for a fact he has other family that actually lives in the area, but they cut off MIL (and hence DH and SIL) years ago.

That’s not a secret (from me at least), but not talked about.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I also don't understand what treating he rto lunch and her not paying her bills have anything to do with each other. I'm wealthy and treat lots of people to lunch.

I will send you her contact information so you can treat her to lunch.

We are not wealthy and work incredibly hard for our money, despite my mental health issues.

Um, what about my post says that I don't work hard for my wealth?

Post your email and I will send you her info.

I don't know why you think you are the only person on earth with deadbeat relatives. I've got a ton of them, but I treat them with kindness, never loan them money and keep my financial distance. Super easy.

It gets much trickier when db relatives entangle shared parents. SIL has now accrued debt that MIL must pay. If MIL can’t pay her house will be seized. Suddenly MIL has no house. How do they ‘financially distance’ themselves from that? Obviously dh is going to insist on taking in his mom.

Are you OP? You didn't include any of these details in the original post.

I’m not OP either but isn’t that the general risk of co-signing? You should NEVER co-sign debt

Right. MIL did. And now her credit is dinged. MIL probably has enough to live on. Whatever is left to SIL probably won’t be enough for her to to live on. I have to be prepared for a hard no for her ever living in our house or DH ever co-signing for her, but some of the things he does makes me think he will not be able to say no. That’s what all of this is really about, but I was just venting about the wine and lunch thing because it’s easier than getting into the serious details.

Is it time to get a conservator for MIL? Does she meet the criteria of needing this? I mean, the lunch really doesn't mean anything.

Also, even if I thought a conservator was necessary, no way would my opinions on the matter be considered seriously. DH is pretty clueless around his family IMO.

You need to be strategic. Don't criticize his family. Tell him his mother has a nice smile. Whatever.

Dh shouldn't view you as an enemy.

You should quietly separate your finances

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also don't understand what treating he rto lunch and her not paying her bills have anything to do with each other. I'm wealthy and treat lots of people to lunch.

I will send you her contact information so you can treat her to lunch.

We are not wealthy and work incredibly hard for our money, despite my mental health issues.

Um, what about my post says that I don't work hard for my wealth?

Post your email and I will send you her info.

I don't know why you think you are the only person on earth with deadbeat relatives. I've got a ton of them, but I treat them with kindness, never loan them money and keep my financial distance. Super easy.

It gets much trickier when db relatives entangle shared parents. SIL has now accrued debt that MIL must pay. If MIL can’t pay her house will be seized. Suddenly MIL has no house. How do they ‘financially distance’ themselves from that? Obviously dh is going to insist on taking in his mom.

Are you OP? You didn't include any of these details in the original post.

I’m not OP either but isn’t that the general risk of co-signing? You should NEVER co-sign debt

Right. MIL did. And now her credit is dinged. MIL probably has enough to live on. Whatever is left to SIL probably won’t be enough for her to to live on. I have to be prepared for a hard no for her ever living in our house or DH ever co-signing for her, but some of the things he does makes me think he will not be able to say no. That’s what all of this is really about, but I was just venting about the wine and lunch thing because it’s easier than getting into the serious details.

Is it time to get a conservator for MIL? Does she meet the criteria of needing this? I mean, the lunch really doesn't mean anything.

Also, even if I thought a conservator was necessary, no way would my opinions on the matter be considered seriously. DH is pretty clueless around his family IMO.

You need to be strategic. Don't criticize his family. Tell him his mother has a nice smile. Whatever.

Dh shouldn't view you as an enemy.

You should quietly separate your finances

This is smart. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

So I only read the first page but good grief I feel like posters were being unusually harsh towards OP. I'd be annoyed too, OP. Your SIL was very rude at your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I only read the first page but good grief I feel like posters were being unusually harsh towards OP. I'd be annoyed too, OP. Your SIL was very rude at your home.

Same! But it looks like it was mentioned that OP is going to leave her enabling DH so hopefully all these problems will be in the rearview mirror and she can focus on her own mental and emotional challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see a connection between her financial affairs and your husband taking her out to lunch or her being an overbearing guest when visiting your house. Is she asking to live with you? Is she borrowing money?

I get venting posts and pms making us a bit more critical at times, but I think you are coming off a lot worse as a human being than she is. It sounds like she’s got mental health struggles and you are wrapped up in a cozy blanket drinking wine and judging every aspect of her life.

Well, with a full-time job despite my own mental health struggles, yes, I do sometimes wrap myself up in cozy blankets on the weekends. If I couldn’t pay my rent, I would spend my time figuring out how to do it instead of demanding sparkling rose at other peoples’ homes.

Get a life !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see a connection between her financial affairs and your husband taking her out to lunch or her being an overbearing guest when visiting your house. Is she asking to live with you? Is she borrowing money?

I get venting posts and pms making us a bit more critical at times, but I think you are coming off a lot worse as a human being than she is. It sounds like she’s got mental health struggles and you are wrapped up in a cozy blanket drinking wine and judging every aspect of her life.

Well, with a full-time job despite my own mental health struggles, yes, I do sometimes wrap myself up in cozy blankets on the weekends. If I couldn’t pay my rent, I would spend my time figuring out how to do it instead of demanding sparkling rose at other peoples’ homes.

Get a life !

I do. And it doesn’t involve serving my DH’s sister whatever she demands when she visits my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see a connection between her financial affairs and your husband taking her out to lunch or her being an overbearing guest when visiting your house. Is she asking to live with you? Is she borrowing money?

I get venting posts and pms making us a bit more critical at times, but I think you are coming off a lot worse as a human being than she is. It sounds like she’s got mental health struggles and you are wrapped up in a cozy blanket drinking wine and judging every aspect of her life.

So let's all feel bad for her because she "mental". Bet she can't even afford a restaurant, effing moocher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see a connection between her financial affairs and your husband taking her out to lunch or her being an overbearing guest when visiting your house. Is she asking to live with you? Is she borrowing money?

I get venting posts and pms making us a bit more critical at times, but I think you are coming off a lot worse as a human being than she is. It sounds like she’s got mental health struggles and you are wrapped up in a cozy blanket drinking wine and judging every aspect of her life.

Well, with a full-time job despite my own mental health struggles, yes, I do sometimes wrap myself up in cozy blankets on the weekends. If I couldn’t pay my rent, I would spend my time figuring out how to do it instead of demanding sparkling rose at other peoples’ homes.

Get a life !

I do. And it doesn’t involve serving my DH’s sister whatever she demands when she visits my house.

You know you can say "no" to having her over, right? This is your house too. Your DH can see her outside of your marital home.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I'm with you, your SIL sounds like a total deadbeat. But I don't see how taking her to lunch for her bday is so terrible. It's not like your DH is paying her backrent (in which case I would tell you to separate your finances).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see a connection between her financial affairs and your husband taking her out to lunch or her being an overbearing guest when visiting your house. Is she asking to live with you? Is she borrowing money?

I get venting posts and pms making us a bit more critical at times, but I think you are coming off a lot worse as a human being than she is. It sounds like she’s got mental health struggles and you are wrapped up in a cozy blanket drinking wine and judging every aspect of her life.

Well, with a full-time job despite my own mental health struggles, yes, I do sometimes wrap myself up in cozy blankets on the weekends. If I couldn’t pay my rent, I would spend my time figuring out how to do it instead of demanding sparkling rose at other peoples’ homes.

Get a life !

I do. And it doesn’t involve serving my DH’s sister whatever she demands when she visits my house.

You know you can say "no" to having her over, right? This is your house too. Your DH can see her outside of your marital home.

+1. Why can't he take her out for a birthday meal? She's probably love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see a connection between her financial affairs and your husband taking her out to lunch or her being an overbearing guest when visiting your house. Is she asking to live with you? Is she borrowing money?

I get venting posts and pms making us a bit more critical at times, but I think you are coming off a lot worse as a human being than she is. It sounds like she’s got mental health struggles and you are wrapped up in a cozy blanket drinking wine and judging every aspect of her life.

Well, with a full-time job despite my own mental health struggles, yes, I do sometimes wrap myself up in cozy blankets on the weekends. If I couldn’t pay my rent, I would spend my time figuring out how to do it instead of demanding sparkling rose at other peoples’ homes.

You both sound awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not fond of my dead beat SIL but never once has it occurred to me look up and see if she has court judgments against her. It seems odd, like you’re obsessing over her or something and digging up dirt.

Sounds like her life is spiraling and she’s doing her best to keep up appearances; more sad than maddening IMO. I don’t see anything wrong with a birthday lunch as it’s still her birthday and she’s your DH’s sister.

What’s up with the wine? You’re pregnant and not even drinking wine. Do you thinks he has an alcohol problem? Maybe you all could just abstain from serving alcohol at home at family events.

Mainly, what I did with my crazy SIl. Was just to ignore her antics and concentrate on raising my own family. It worked out for the best that way.

I don’t even have in-laws but I most definitely look up public records for anyone I become involved with or their family.

I don’t think you’re crazy OP. I’d be bothered by this too. Vent as much as you want though, because unless you divorce DH or he has an epiphany… it’s going to be something you gotta grit your teeth and deal with =/

[Anonymous]

Those of you who don't perceive the connection between b'day lunch, eviction and being a rude dinner guest are seriously dim.
What ties all of these things together is the underlying dysfunctional dynamic whereby OP's husband and their mom feel the need to accommodate his sister's entitlement even though doing so crosses healthy boundaries that have the potential to put his well-being, his mom's and his spouse's at risk. I've no doubt that OP's husband was raised to feel responsible for his sister which is why he is unwilling and/or unable to perceive the dynamic for what it is, although it sounds as though the relative who cut off his branch of the family very reasonably made the healthy choice not to be entangled in this dysfunction. But the fact that this paradigm has been established is not a reason to perpetuate it, and if I were the OP, I'd be having a conversation with my spouse about the implications for our lives and the possibility that we won't be spending the rest of them together if this pattern isn't broken.

Also, a newsflash for all of those whose sympathies are with the sister: mental health issues aren't an excuse for being an entitled parasite.

[Anonymous]

Are you drunk? Sounds like you have a husband problem.