Boomer parents/realities of aging in place

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the people who have urged OP to uproot her family - you are nuts.

OP, I am in a similar situation with my parents. They live in my childhood home with a large puppy (!!) and no adjustments in the house to make it easy for my immobile dad to get around. So he doesn't leave the house.

I spent a year wringing my hands about the choices they were or weren't making and how it is all ridiculous and unsustainable. Turns out they want my help but not my advice.

So I have set clear boundaries. I go down every few months for a visit to enjoy them. If there's a surgery or medical emergency where they need my brain, I try to be available. Other than that, they are on their own. As they want and have chosen for themselves.

Did you frame it that explicitly for them?

My parents have passed but my ILs are here. Perhaps a saving grace that my MiL is the one in the driver's seat as FiL has Alzheimers and is content to go along with whatever decision is made. Or at least he has been through now. There is a niece/spouse there and is helpful in a pinch, but niece has her own parents to look after in another state and this isn't really her responsibility.

PP, just wondering how explicit you were.

Not the PP, but I was in a similar situation and could not have been MORE explicit. None of it mattered. And when catastrophe DID strike, I was told it was wrong of me to ‘dwell in the past’ and that I needed to bail them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are 80. FIL has liver cancer & diabetes. MIL has a health condition that requires monthly monitoring and procedures. Both struggle physically.

They have downsized but refused to move to us, and moved to a 55 community in NC.

FIL is having severe dementia symptoms, reactions to his liver shutting down, being rushed to ER, and needing to be admitted. Multiple times. We’re working, have young kids, trying to help from afar, jumping in the car to help MIL navigate the hospital situation (she’s not great at advocating/supporting). It’s been so heart wrenching but also unsustainable!

DH is a physician, we live in central VA near good hospitals. We don’t want to move to them because he’s just hitting his stride in his earning years w/a new partnership he’s worked hard for. We have an established, blooming high schooler. We have a younger child with SN that has bounced from school to school and is finally settled.

I am just beyond frustrated that they won’t move to us so we can help support! Especially during medical emergencies which are happening more and more. What is the realistic scenario here? FIL will prob die in the hospital due to something being missed (came close last time). MIL will refuse to come to us, until we force her when she’s old and senile.

WHY do boomers choose this? They could have moved here 5-10 years ago, made friends, had a life, and grown closer to us and our kids. Instead they decided to start over in a new neighborhood down there and now the shit is hitting the fan. But we’re getting it in the face.

Their response? “You should move to
us. We took care of our parents” (which involved sticking them in a home)

So selfish.

Hmm. I wouldn’t want to live near you either.

Your hand on your d*ck as you typed this? People who come onto forums like this to troll are sick in the head. Get help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the people who have urged OP to uproot her family - you are nuts.

OP, I am in a similar situation with my parents. They live in my childhood home with a large puppy (!!) and no adjustments in the house to make it easy for my immobile dad to get around. So he doesn't leave the house.

I spent a year wringing my hands about the choices they were or weren't making and how it is all ridiculous and unsustainable. Turns out they want my help but not my advice.

So I have set clear boundaries. I go down every few months for a visit to enjoy them. If there's a surgery or medical emergency where they need my brain, I try to be available. Other than that, they are on their own. As they want and have chosen for themselves.

Did you frame it that explicitly for them?

My parents have passed but my ILs are here. Perhaps a saving grace that my MiL is the one in the driver's seat as FiL has Alzheimers and is content to go along with whatever decision is made. Or at least he has been through now. There is a niece/spouse there and is helpful in a pinch, but niece has her own parents to look after in another state and this isn't really her responsibility.

PP, just wondering how explicit you were.

It was less of "I'm not your care plan" and more "if you stay here like you say you want to, I'm not going to be available to help with things. I can potentially come down for emergencies and help from afar, but I can't be THE plan..." And then I stopped calling every day to check in. I now talk to them once or twice a week and our conversations revolve around what my family is doing and how their week has been instead of me quizzing them on how the new helper is working out and whether my dad's eye infection is responding to the antibiotics. I was getting too involved which stressed them out and me out. And they made it clear that they weren't going to accept my advice or suggestions about changes they should be making to plan for the future. It's working well for now, but unclear how it will work as they continue to age. But at the end of the day, we all make our choices.

This is my experience as well. Adult children think that having the aging parents nearby is the solution but I am nearby and they don’t want to listen to solutions for their current situation and also won’t plan for the future. They have various significant health issues. I have accepted that they made the decisions to not deal with their current state or future on their own, starting many years ago. Someone called it “magical thinking”…is that the delusion that everything stays the same and your life is rosy even if you don’t take of your health and home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the people who have urged OP to uproot her family - you are nuts.

OP, I am in a similar situation with my parents. They live in my childhood home with a large puppy (!!) and no adjustments in the house to make it easy for my immobile dad to get around. So he doesn't leave the house.

I spent a year wringing my hands about the choices they were or weren't making and how it is all ridiculous and unsustainable. Turns out they want my help but not my advice.

So I have set clear boundaries. I go down every few months for a visit to enjoy them. If there's a surgery or medical emergency where they need my brain, I try to be available. Other than that, they are on their own. As they want and have chosen for themselves.

Did you frame it that explicitly for them?

My parents have passed but my ILs are here. Perhaps a saving grace that my MiL is the one in the driver's seat as FiL has Alzheimers and is content to go along with whatever decision is made. Or at least he has been through now. There is a niece/spouse there and is helpful in a pinch, but niece has her own parents to look after in another state and this isn't really her responsibility.

PP, just wondering how explicit you were.

Not the PP, but I was in a similar situation and could not have been MORE explicit. None of it mattered. And when catastrophe DID strike, I was told it was wrong of me to ‘dwell in the past’ and that I needed to bail them out.

Told by them or by others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is now contending with widowhood, a move to assisted living in another state near family and the loss of a beloved pet who cannot be accommodated in assisted living. She keeps saying “it’s not fair! I am losing everything all at once - my husband, my home, etc” but here’s the thing. She is facing this massive upset because they did no planning. They should have moved near family 15 years ago. The dog should have been rehomed years ago since they couldn’t care for it properly. There should have been a conversation about her mild dementia and her husbands terminal diagnosis prior to his death. To me, it is beyond frustrating to see this type of magical thinking and failure to plan. My husband and I have vowed not to do this to our kids and have set up a pretty strict timeline regarding moving, downsizing etc.

You hit the nail on the head. This was my parents with a dependent sibling thrown in, who's now screaming "it's not fair" when sibling refused to do much to increase earnings in 20 years prior.

The question is not downsizing - the question is do you have the money to stay where you are and the ability/desire to hire in help if you don't downsize. For us to downsize, we will be spending MORE on smaller accommodations, when we can simply install an elevator for much less and plan to hire in help when needed, so our kids can be our kids and not our caretakers. I have a friend up the street living in only 1000 feet of her 5000 square foot home, which is very workable. What is NOT workable is that she refuses to hire in anyone to help her, even though she's disabled and depends on her one kid (who she's burning out) and friends and neighbors to do things for her, who are getting increasingly upset at her refusal to help herself. And it's not just 'can you grab me some bread at the grocery store since you are going'. There are very specific instructions and demands that go with each favor.

It's not always easy to just hire help when needed. Caregivers can be unreliable if you hire privately. There's a bit more reassurance of coverage if you go through an agency, but then you might end up with a revolving door of caregivers...someone different every shift. This can be especially frustrating when there are language and cultural differences.

Then at that point, we go to assisted living. I won’t force my kids to be slaves to us.

+1. We fully funded an LTC plan in our 50s after seeing how it helped finance my ILs final years. We will be looking into downsizing out of our Peter Pan house in the next few years before retirement.

[Anonymous]

Guess what? Your parents aren't boomers. You have the generation thing wrong, dumb dumb dummy.

[Anonymous]

PEOPLE IN THEIR 80S ARE NOT BOOMERS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Boomer is a state of mind — and the in-laws are definitely boomers.

[Anonymous]

People who use All Caps are Boomers. A classic sign of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Boomer is a state of mind — and the in-laws are definitely boomers.

Why does this matter so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Boomer is a state of mind — and the in-laws are definitely boomers.

Why does this matter so much?

Please stop feeding the “boomer” troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all who say, "Move near family". What if the family decides to move after the elderly parents moved near you? Will you give consideration to your parents who moved to be near you?

I ask because if I were to move where my kids are, what if they decide to move later? My spouse and I have siblings who moved all over the world.

This is the fear I have about moving near to my kids one day.

Also, elderly people make moves based on finances.

NoVA area is not cheap. Maybe your ILs made their decision based on low taxes?

This has to be a discussion with your family. Most people I know don't move out of a region once they have kids, but there are exceptions.

I think the families that pool resources into a multi generation house or buy neighboring houses are really smart, but it's hard for a lot of people to share in that way. There was a window when we were looking to step up from a townhouse and I asked my parents if they wanted to do something like that. They didn't, and now for various reasons (finances, interest rates, age of kids) that window is closed.

Many people I know have moved after having kids. This is a valid concern, pp. I even know of one situation where a DH’s widowed elderly mom moved to be near the DH and his wife and 3 kids. The DH and wife and kids then moved 3 years later for a job opportunity, leaving elderly widowed mom in a city she knew no one. She didn’t want to move again though she’s very sad her son’s family left. They have a good relationship so it’s not like the son moved to get away from his mom and he said he felt really bad about it. But sometimes things happen and you need to move unexpectedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like 15 years ago they created the life they wanted, for those 15 years.

What's happening now isn't too related.

They could not envision a phase of life they had never known. So they based it on their present (at the time). They may have stoked each other’s “optimism.”

Either way, you might work on refraining from calling your FIL “so selfish” when he is in a hospital with liver cancer and dementia. Honestly.

[Anonymous]

OP I know you are under stress, but try not to take it out on the sick old people.

How would you feel if people looked at your situation and started second-guessing the decisions that got you here.

Remember their contributions and try to muster up some compassion for their current reality. To only think of how you are being effected is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I know you are under stress, but try not to take it out on the sick old people.

How would you feel if people looked at your situation and started second-guessing the decisions that got you here.

Remember their contributions and try to muster up some compassion for their current reality. To only think of how you are being effected is selfish.

Nope. The sick old people made decisions as adults to not take care of their health and not plan for their future. If they expect OP to now take care of them, that is selfish. You can have compassion for anyone living with undesirable results of poor decisions but also recognize those were selfish decisions.