Boomer parents/realities of aging in place

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are 80. FIL has liver cancer & diabetes. MIL has a health condition that requires monthly monitoring and procedures. Both struggle physically.

They have downsized but refused to move to us, and moved to a 55 community in NC.

FIL is having severe dementia symptoms, reactions to his liver shutting down, being rushed to ER, and needing to be admitted. Multiple times. We’re working, have young kids, trying to help from afar, jumping in the car to help MIL navigate the hospital situation (she’s not great at advocating/supporting). It’s been so heart wrenching but also unsustainable!

DH is a physician, we live in central VA near good hospitals. We don’t want to move to them because he’s just hitting his stride in his earning years w/a new partnership he’s worked hard for. We have an established, blooming high schooler. We have a younger child with SN that has bounced from school to school and is finally settled.

I am just beyond frustrated that they won’t move to us so we can help support! Especially during medical emergencies which are happening more and more. What is the realistic scenario here? FIL will prob die in the hospital due to something being missed (came close last time). MIL will refuse to come to us, until we force her when she’s old and senile.

WHY do boomers choose this? They could have moved here 5-10 years ago, made friends, had a life, and grown closer to us and our kids. Instead they decided to start over in a new neighborhood down there and now the shit is hitting the fan. But we’re getting it in the face.

Their response? “You should move to
us. We took care of our parents” (which involved sticking them in a home)

So selfish.

[Anonymous]

My mother is now contending with widowhood, a move to assisted living in another state near family and the loss of a beloved pet who cannot be accommodated in assisted living. She keeps saying “it’s not fair! I am losing everything all at once - my husband, my home, etc” but here’s the thing. She is facing this massive upset because they did no planning. They should have moved near family 15 years ago. The dog should have been rehomed years ago since they couldn’t care for it properly. There should have been a conversation about her mild dementia and her husbands terminal diagnosis prior to his death. To me, it is beyond frustrating to see this type of magical thinking and failure to plan. My husband and I have vowed not to do this to our kids and have set up a pretty strict timeline regarding moving, downsizing etc.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know OP - it’s unbelievably selfish. I’ve seen in my own family one relative who chose to move to lightened burdens as soon as that need became clear, but it seems more common to be stubborn about it. All I can say is that if they refuse, they get the consequences of less support. You cannot uproot your family.

[Anonymous]

Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

[Anonymous]

Yes they should have done what you said - given how you present it. There! does that solve anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Exactly what I was going to post.
The oldest boomers were born in '46 (I've even seen it specified as the second half of '46.) So the oldest boomers are currently 77 (or maybe just turned 78 in the last month, if you're not be so specific as to only count the second half of '46.)

[Anonymous]

Sounds like 15 years ago they created the life they wanted, for those 15 years.

What's happening now isn't too related.

[Anonymous]

Whatever. My boomer parents (age 74) are making the same choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is now contending with widowhood, a move to assisted living in another state near family and the loss of a beloved pet who cannot be accommodated in assisted living. She keeps saying “it’s not fair! I am losing everything all at once - my husband, my home, etc” but here’s the thing. She is facing this massive upset because they did no planning. They should have moved near family 15 years ago. The dog should have been rehomed years ago since they couldn’t care for it properly. There should have been a conversation about her mild dementia and her husbands terminal diagnosis prior to his death. To me, it is beyond frustrating to see this type of magical thinking and failure to plan. My husband and I have vowed not to do this to our kids and have set up a pretty strict timeline regarding moving, downsizing etc.

You hit the nail on the head. This was my parents with a dependent sibling thrown in, who's now screaming "it's not fair" when sibling refused to do much to increase earnings in 20 years prior.

The question is not downsizing - the question is do you have the money to stay where you are and the ability/desire to hire in help if you don't downsize. For us to downsize, we will be spending MORE on smaller accommodations, when we can simply install an elevator for much less and plan to hire in help when needed, so our kids can be our kids and not our caretakers. I have a friend up the street living in only 1000 feet of her 5000 square foot home, which is very workable. What is NOT workable is that she refuses to hire in anyone to help her, even though she's disabled and depends on her one kid (who she's burning out) and friends and neighbors to do things for her, who are getting increasingly upset at her refusal to help herself. And it's not just 'can you grab me some bread at the grocery store since you are going'. There are very specific instructions and demands that go with each favor.

[Anonymous]

My parents were/are like this, but wouldn't even move to an over 55 community when younger. Their family members who actually had to manage eldercare for their parents and deal with emergencies, poor behavior, checking on things all were realistic about aging. My parents had magical thinking because they both were the call and occasionally visit type who got treated well by their parents and when the parent got more needy even with them, they stopped visiting and just expected the siblings to deal.

In therapy, I learned to make my boundaries clear (didn't go over well, but entitled people hate boundaries) and to accept there could be an easily preventable death or serious injury.

I disagree with the poster who says it's about having money to age in place because now that one of my parents has passed the other is doing this. We hired someone to manage the care and it's a money drain, she feeds into the fears, promises everything and then there is fallout with no-shows, stealing, neighbor complaints. Also, while if she claims poor behavior the person replaces, if anything really bad happened with a caregiver and she screamed at the top of her lungs, there is nobody close enough to hear that scream. (I know that sounds extreme, but at least in residential there are other humans somewhere around). All that said, her choice and whatever happens I will be more at peace knowing she chose this while of sound mind.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your dad isn't going to live long enough to benefit from a move, OP. And your mom, because of the dementia and because she's preoccupied with his illnesses and anticipating grief, isn't cognitively able to process the idea of moving.

[Anonymous]

OP, know where MIL should move to, for when the time comes. All research done and an action plan in place. You are frustrated but they are his parents. And he is a responsible-acting medical professional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Exactly what I was going to post.
The oldest boomers were born in '46 (I've even seen it specified as the second half of '46.) So the oldest boomers are currently 77 (or maybe just turned 78 in the last month, if you're not be so specific as to only count the second half of '46.)

NP here. This is what you’re focused on? Sweet Jesus. FFS.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP.

My MIL ended up dying alone because she refused when her husband died to move closer to any of her children. On the one hand I get it, she'd lived in the same small town her whole live and uprooting away from her siblings and cousins and friends seemed crazy. But even as she got more frail she refused to consider moving. Then one day she went into the hospital for an overnight procedure and ended up never going home again. Spent the next year of her life in assisted living before dying in the middle of the night during a window of time when none of her kids were with her.

My DH and his siblings were constantly flying back to their hometown rotating visits to care for things and be with her but it was a huge sacrifice to each of them in terms of expense, work and caring for their own families. Because, let's face it, all those siblings and friends would visit her but they weren't caring the load of dealing with doctors and finances and so on.

I'm the PP in the real estate post saying I will absolutely retire near my child for this very reason.
No advice just sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Exactly what I was going to post.
The oldest boomers were born in '46 (I've even seen it specified as the second half of '46.) So the oldest boomers are currently 77 (or maybe just turned 78 in the last month, if you're not be so specific as to only count the second half of '46.)

NP here. This is what you’re focused on? Sweet Jesus. FFS.

A person focused on Boomer bashing with this manufactured generational angst isn't to be taken seriously. These are in-laws, not even her parents. Let the spouse deal.