Boomer parents/realities of aging in place

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with this too, OP. My parents are a 5 hour flight away and have refused to move or make any real plans such as moving their bedroom to the main level. My mom now has neurological issue and then last week dad had a sudden health emergency that makes it difficult for him to walk. They are living in semi squalor because they can't do things like change the sheets. They can afford to have a health aide come in, but won't because they're embarrassed. It's a mess.

I would love to have them live with or near me and have offered several times. I can't afford to live near them (expensive tourist area). They have a million excuses why they "can't" move but bottom line is they didn't want to, and now it's too overwhelming. It's not clear they can travel to me anymore either.

One of the things I didn't anticipate is how sad it is when they can't get the closure that comes with making a decision. Like, if they had planned to move, they could have said goodbye to favorite places, hobby groups, etc. on their own terms. But now they'll probably just never see certain people or places again.

Wait until they start telling you that it’s YOUR job to move, not really caring or thinking about affordability or other factors. Trust me, that’s next. I got a face full of it and it hardened me.

[Anonymous]

I pray that I don't live so long as to be a burden on my children. I've watched my parents' generation ruin their health taking care of their elderly parents.

There's a downside to how long we can prolong life these days.

[Anonymous]

We dealt with this same situation, OP. We helped when we could get there, but my dad did end up dying in the hospital as part of an emergency visit (cancer). They did no planning. Now, my mom doesn't want to move and has financial issues on top of everything else that would be somewhat alleviated if she downsized. It's very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

What happens to the family members of elders who refuse to plan is that they burn out very quickly. The elders are not just refusing to plan - they are demanding help from their loved ones in only the way THEY want it. They don't hear anything beyond their own wants (which is why they refused to plan to begin with). Those who call it fear? Fine. That doesn't change the crap show that results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We dealt with this same situation, OP. We helped when we could get there, but my dad did end up dying in the hospital as part of an emergency visit (cancer). They did no planning. Now, my mom doesn't want to move and has financial issues on top of everything else that would be somewhat alleviated if she downsized. It's very frustrating.

And I bet when you ask her how she plans to stay on a financial level, she gives you non-answers, platitudes, or none at all.

[Anonymous]

For the people who have urged OP to uproot her family - you are nuts.

OP, I am in a similar situation with my parents. They live in my childhood home with a large puppy (!!) and no adjustments in the house to make it easy for my immobile dad to get around. So he doesn't leave the house.

I spent a year wringing my hands about the choices they were or weren't making and how it is all ridiculous and unsustainable. Turns out they want my help but not my advice.

So I have set clear boundaries. I go down every few months for a visit to enjoy them. If there's a surgery or medical emergency where they need my brain, I try to be available. Other than that, they are on their own. As they want and have chosen for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the people who have urged OP to uproot her family - you are nuts.

OP, I am in a similar situation with my parents. They live in my childhood home with a large puppy (!!) and no adjustments in the house to make it easy for my immobile dad to get around. So he doesn't leave the house.

I spent a year wringing my hands about the choices they were or weren't making and how it is all ridiculous and unsustainable. Turns out they want my help but not my advice.

So I have set clear boundaries. I go down every few months for a visit to enjoy them. If there's a surgery or medical emergency where they need my brain, I try to be available. Other than that, they are on their own. As they want and have chosen for themselves.

Did you frame it that explicitly for them?

My parents have passed but my ILs are here. Perhaps a saving grace that my MiL is the one in the driver's seat as FiL has Alzheimers and is content to go along with whatever decision is made. Or at least he has been through now. There is a niece/spouse there and is helpful in a pinch, but niece has her own parents to look after in another state and this isn't really her responsibility.

PP, just wondering how explicit you were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the people who have urged OP to uproot her family - you are nuts.

OP, I am in a similar situation with my parents. They live in my childhood home with a large puppy (!!) and no adjustments in the house to make it easy for my immobile dad to get around. So he doesn't leave the house.

I spent a year wringing my hands about the choices they were or weren't making and how it is all ridiculous and unsustainable. Turns out they want my help but not my advice.

So I have set clear boundaries. I go down every few months for a visit to enjoy them. If there's a surgery or medical emergency where they need my brain, I try to be available. Other than that, they are on their own. As they want and have chosen for themselves.

Did you frame it that explicitly for them?

My parents have passed but my ILs are here. Perhaps a saving grace that my MiL is the one in the driver's seat as FiL has Alzheimers and is content to go along with whatever decision is made. Or at least he has been through now. There is a niece/spouse there and is helpful in a pinch, but niece has her own parents to look after in another state and this isn't really her responsibility.

PP, just wondering how explicit you were.

It was less of "I'm not your care plan" and more "if you stay here like you say you want to, I'm not going to be available to help with things. I can potentially come down for emergencies and help from afar, but I can't be THE plan..." And then I stopped calling every day to check in. I now talk to them once or twice a week and our conversations revolve around what my family is doing and how their week has been instead of me quizzing them on how the new helper is working out and whether my dad's eye infection is responding to the antibiotics. I was getting too involved which stressed them out and me out. And they made it clear that they weren't going to accept my advice or suggestions about changes they should be making to plan for the future. It's working well for now, but unclear how it will work as they continue to age. But at the end of the day, we all make our choices.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully, one can learn from dealing with parents to make better planning choices ahead so the cycle will not repeat itself. I agree the idea of aging in place and hiring help sounds great except —- who will do the hiring when you are in crisis and can’t handle it. Or dealing with memory issues and unable to for perhaps years??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully, one can learn from dealing with parents to make better planning choices ahead so the cycle will not repeat itself. I agree the idea of aging in place and hiring help sounds great except —- who will do the hiring when you are in crisis and can’t handle it. Or dealing with memory issues and unable to for perhaps years??

This. You have to move (or put other plans in place) before you need to, and that's where it falls down.

My ILs moved near their kids, in a single level, wheelchair accessible house in a 55+ neighborhood, when they were in their healthy 60s. It was so smart! They have had time to make friends in a place where they can potentially stay a long time, even though they didn't need those amenities when they moved.

[Anonymous]

I know so many peers in this situation, myself included. It takes a huge toll and my father's response was that he didn't want to move and be a burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are 80. FIL has liver cancer & diabetes. MIL has a health condition that requires monthly monitoring and procedures. Both struggle physically.

They have downsized but refused to move to us, and moved to a 55 community in NC.

FIL is having severe dementia symptoms, reactions to his liver shutting down, being rushed to ER, and needing to be admitted. Multiple times. We’re working, have young kids, trying to help from afar, jumping in the car to help MIL navigate the hospital situation (she’s not great at advocating/supporting). It’s been so heart wrenching but also unsustainable!

DH is a physician, we live in central VA near good hospitals. We don’t want to move to them because he’s just hitting his stride in his earning years w/a new partnership he’s worked hard for. We have an established, blooming high schooler. We have a younger child with SN that has bounced from school to school and is finally settled.

I am just beyond frustrated that they won’t move to us so we can help support! Especially during medical emergencies which are happening more and more. What is the realistic scenario here? FIL will prob die in the hospital due to something being missed (came close last time). MIL will refuse to come to us, until we force her when she’s old and senile.

WHY do boomers choose this? They could have moved here 5-10 years ago, made friends, had a life, and grown closer to us and our kids. Instead they decided to start over in a new neighborhood down there and now the shit is hitting the fan. But we’re getting it in the face.

Their response? “You should move to
us. We took care of our parents” (which involved sticking them in a home)

So selfish.

Hmm. I wouldn’t want to live near you either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully, one can learn from dealing with parents to make better planning choices ahead so the cycle will not repeat itself. I agree the idea of aging in place and hiring help sounds great except —- who will do the hiring when you are in crisis and can’t handle it. Or dealing with memory issues and unable to for perhaps years??

My parents learned from their parents' experiences, but my husband didn't learn from his parents' (the last decade was a mess), even though he says my parents had the right idea.

So I guess I'm moving without him when the time comes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all who say, "Move near family". What if the family decides to move after the elderly parents moved near you? Will you give consideration to your parents who moved to be near you?

I ask because if I were to move where my kids are, what if they decide to move later? My spouse and I have siblings who moved all over the world.

This is the fear I have about moving near to my kids one day.

Also, elderly people make moves based on finances.

NoVA area is not cheap. Maybe your ILs made their decision based on low taxes?

This has to be a discussion with your family. Most people I know don't move out of a region once they have kids, but there are exceptions.

I think the families that pool resources into a multi generation house or buy neighboring houses are really smart, but it's hard for a lot of people to share in that way. There was a window when we were looking to step up from a townhouse and I asked my parents if they wanted to do something like that. They didn't, and now for various reasons (finances, interest rates, age of kids) that window is closed.

[Anonymous]

Are there other siblings to force an intervention of sorts? You can't say "you have to move" but you can say "If you don't move....." It sounds like his parents aren't in a proper frame of mind to be making these decisions.

My parents are insisting they'll age in place 600 miles away. They have means and are currently healthy but it's very nerve-racking that they are so adamant (I am an only child). I think some parents think it's less burdensome to be far away, but in reality it really isn't, and they forget/do not witness the worry and the scrambles, plus they are unfamiliar with the working and family logistics of today's world which in many ways are more complicated than theirs was (commute, always on, activities, etc...).

My DH's parents have emergency after emergency. They are in the same town as his sister, who is handling it mostly and who has a lot more free time to help them (this was both of their choice to be there and we are thankful) but it's overwhelming for her and over the past few years DH has had to leave in a hurry to go help between 2-8 times a year, sometimes with 10 minutes notice, sometimes for weeks at a time. I love them and support them, but it is a freaking mess.

I'm sorry, OP. I understand how frustrating this must be for everyone.