Boomer parents/realities of aging in place

[Anonymous]

To a pp, people usually die when the person there -- to hold their hand -- has stepped out of the room.

[Anonymous]

All you can do is decide how much you can do and stick to it. If FIL dies sooner because MIL isn’t a great advocate, then so be it. Does he really have some great quality of life you want to prolong by rushing down there and making sure all measures are taken?

He made the choice to live in a way that “he gets what he gets” and can’t get upset. I mean, he can get upset, but you don’t have to listen or feel guilty about it.

[Anonymous]

Multi-gen families.

If you really want your parents or ILs to be agreeable to your version of their care, then you have to build an IL suite for them when they are younger and make them feel welcome.

OP, your post is so beetchy and complaining that your ILs choose to die alone and uncared for than to move near you. I blame you.

[Anonymous]

It is not selfish for you not to want to move.

It is also not selfish for them not to want to move.

Figure out what you can do/how you can help, given that you live in two different places, and then do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To a pp, people usually die when the person there -- to hold their hand -- has stepped out of the room.

Yes, this happened with my sister, who had a developmental disability and was living in a group home. We arrived in the night. I spent a little time with her where a hospice music therapist was playing while she dozed (so beautiful), then went back to the hotel with the family. Got up the next morning and went over to sit with her. Then went back to get family to bring them over and while I had stepped out, she passed away.

And the staff person told me, “our residents often let go when family has reached them.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Exactly what I was going to post.
The oldest boomers were born in '46 (I've even seen it specified as the second half of '46.) So the oldest boomers are currently 77 (or maybe just turned 78 in the last month, if you're not be so specific as to only count the second half of '46.)

NP here. This is what you’re focused on? Sweet Jesus. FFS.

A person focused on Boomer bashing with this manufactured generational angst isn't to be taken seriously. These are in-laws, not even her parents. Let the spouse deal.

Far away aging parents in need of care is a strain on a whole marriage, not just the spouse whose parents it is. It's money, it's time away, and it's worry weighing on your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not selfish for you not to want to move.

It is also not selfish for them not to want to move.

Figure out what you can do/how you can help, given that you live in two different places, and then do that.

It's not that simple. How do you tell your parents, "sorry you're in the ER alone, I have to go to work and take care of my sick kid? I can't fly out there" You can have plans in place but the reality is that as the needs go up people need family. Hired caregivers flake, quit and can take advantage of things. Someone needs to be there regularly to check in and keep an eye on things.

Also - this age in place in a 4000sf house is just disgusting. All that space and the resources to maintain it being used (a/c, energy, etc) It's so American.

[Anonymous]

Would someone please write an Op-Ed piece on this? I'd like to send it to my parents and in-laws!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not selfish for you not to want to move.

It is also not selfish for them not to want to move.

Figure out what you can do/how you can help, given that you live in two different places, and then do that.

It's not that simple. How do you tell your parents, "sorry you're in the ER alone, I have to go to work and take care of my sick kid? I can't fly out there" You can have plans in place but the reality is that as the needs go up people need family. Hired caregivers flake, quit and can take advantage of things. Someone needs to be there regularly to check in and keep an eye on things.

Also - this age in place in a 4000sf house is just disgusting. All that space and the resources to maintain it being used (a/c, energy, etc) It's so American.

My dh's family just had to deal with this. The emotional and physical reality of your loved one so far away suffering alone because nobody can take that much time off is just terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Exactly what I was going to post.
The oldest boomers were born in '46 (I've even seen it specified as the second half of '46.) So the oldest boomers are currently 77 (or maybe just turned 78 in the last month, if you're not be so specific as to only count the second half of '46.)

NP here. This is what you’re focused on? Sweet Jesus. FFS.

A person focused on Boomer bashing with this manufactured generational angst isn't to be taken seriously. These are in-laws, not even her parents. Let the spouse deal.

And you just know OP would whine mercilessly if her ILs moved near her and her doctor husband. There is no pleasing her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is now contending with widowhood, a move to assisted living in another state near family and the loss of a beloved pet who cannot be accommodated in assisted living. She keeps saying “it’s not fair! I am losing everything all at once - my husband, my home, etc” but here’s the thing. She is facing this massive upset because they did no planning. They should have moved near family 15 years ago. The dog should have been rehomed years ago since they couldn’t care for it properly. There should have been a conversation about her mild dementia and her husbands terminal diagnosis prior to his death. To me, it is beyond frustrating to see this type of magical thinking and failure to plan. My husband and I have vowed not to do this to our kids and have set up a pretty strict timeline regarding moving, downsizing etc.

You hit the nail on the head. This was my parents with a dependent sibling thrown in, who's now screaming "it's not fair" when sibling refused to do much to increase earnings in 20 years prior.

The question is not downsizing - the question is do you have the money to stay where you are and the ability/desire to hire in help if you don't downsize. For us to downsize, we will be spending MORE on smaller accommodations, when we can simply install an elevator for much less and plan to hire in help when needed, so our kids can be our kids and not our caretakers. I have a friend up the street living in only 1000 feet of her 5000 square foot home, which is very workable. What is NOT workable is that she refuses to hire in anyone to help her, even though she's disabled and depends on her one kid (who she's burning out) and friends and neighbors to do things for her, who are getting increasingly upset at her refusal to help herself. And it's not just 'can you grab me some bread at the grocery store since you are going'. There are very specific instructions and demands that go with each favor.

It's not always easy to just hire help when needed. Caregivers can be unreliable if you hire privately. There's a bit more reassurance of coverage if you go through an agency, but then you might end up with a revolving door of caregivers...someone different every shift. This can be especially frustrating when there are language and cultural differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Exactly what I was going to post.
The oldest boomers were born in '46 (I've even seen it specified as the second half of '46.) So the oldest boomers are currently 77 (or maybe just turned 78 in the last month, if you're not be so specific as to only count the second half of '46.)

NP here. This is what you’re focused on? Sweet Jesus. FFS.

A person focused on Boomer bashing with this manufactured generational angst isn't to be taken seriously. These are in-laws, not even her parents. Let the spouse deal.

Far away aging parents in need of care is a strain on a whole marriage, not just the spouse whose parents it is. It's money, it's time away, and it's worry weighing on your spouse.

Ok but it's not a "Boomer" issue. OP is latching on to the wrong thing for shock value. She failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Exactly what I was going to post.
The oldest boomers were born in '46 (I've even seen it specified as the second half of '46.) So the oldest boomers are currently 77 (or maybe just turned 78 in the last month, if you're not be so specific as to only count the second half of '46.)

NP here. This is what you’re focused on? Sweet Jesus. FFS.

A person focused on Boomer bashing with this manufactured generational angst isn't to be taken seriously. These are in-laws, not even her parents. Let the spouse deal.

And you just know OP would whine mercilessly if her ILs moved near her and her doctor husband. There is no pleasing her.

Exactly. "Who do these people think they are asking ME to help?" They would be too close for comfort and a nuisance time and money suck. She should be grateful they are far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Exactly what I was going to post.
The oldest boomers were born in '46 (I've even seen it specified as the second half of '46.) So the oldest boomers are currently 77 (or maybe just turned 78 in the last month, if you're not be so specific as to only count the second half of '46.)

NP here. This is what you’re focused on? Sweet Jesus. FFS.

A person focused on Boomer bashing with this manufactured generational angst isn't to be taken seriously. These are in-laws, not even her parents. Let the spouse deal.

And you just know OP would whine mercilessly if her ILs moved near her and her doctor husband. There is no pleasing her.

I wouldn't be so sure. I know people whose parents finally moved closer, and the friends are thrilled. There's still friction on certain points, but losing the day-to-day worries has let a much better relationship develop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To a pp, people usually die when the person there -- to hold their hand -- has stepped out of the room.

Yes, this happened with my sister, who had a developmental disability and was living in a group home. We arrived in the night. I spent a little time with her where a hospice music therapist was playing while she dozed (so beautiful), then went back to the hotel with the family. Got up the next morning and went over to sit with her. Then went back to get family to bring them over and while I had stepped out, she passed away.

And the staff person told me, “our residents often let go when family has reached them.”

It happens all the time. Sometimes people need the comfort of knowing their family is near, but they also need a little privacy to turn inwards, so having someone close by but not in their immediate proximity is ideal. I had a relative die while her adult daughter stepped into the hallway to speak with the doctor for 5 minutes.