Boomer parents/realities of aging in place

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Exactly what I was going to post.
The oldest boomers were born in '46 (I've even seen it specified as the second half of '46.) So the oldest boomers are currently 77 (or maybe just turned 78 in the last month, if you're not be so specific as to only count the second half of '46.)

NP here. This is what you’re focused on? Sweet Jesus. FFS.

A person focused on Boomer bashing with this manufactured generational angst isn't to be taken seriously. These are in-laws, not even her parents. Let the spouse deal.

Far away aging parents in need of care is a strain on a whole marriage, not just the spouse whose parents it is. It's money, it's time away, and it's worry weighing on your spouse.

Ok but it's not a "Boomer" issue. OP is latching on to the wrong thing for shock value. She failed.

She's framing the issue through her personal experience as a boomer issue. I think that unless you are a defensive boomer, it's easy to just focus on the issue at hand which is elderly relatives in a different state and a very tough thing to deal with.

[Anonymous]

The ship of moving your FIL closer has sailed. That window is closed. He's likely pretty close to death. The only realistic longer-term plan you can make right now is what MIL do when her husband dies.

Definitely you cannot and should not move closer to them, because these crises for FIL will likely end soon. Do what you can, and accept what you can't do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Exactly what I was going to post.
The oldest boomers were born in '46 (I've even seen it specified as the second half of '46.) So the oldest boomers are currently 77 (or maybe just turned 78 in the last month, if you're not be so specific as to only count the second half of '46.)

NP here. This is what you’re focused on? Sweet Jesus. FFS.

A person focused on Boomer bashing with this manufactured generational angst isn't to be taken seriously. These are in-laws, not even her parents. Let the spouse deal.

Far away aging parents in need of care is a strain on a whole marriage, not just the spouse whose parents it is. It's money, it's time away, and it's worry weighing on your spouse.

Ok but it's not a "Boomer" issue. OP is latching on to the wrong thing for shock value. She failed.

She's framing the issue through her personal experience as a boomer issue. I think that unless you are a defensive boomer, it's easy to just focus on the issue at hand which is elderly relatives in a different state and a very tough thing to deal with.

Her personal experience? WTF? She's not a boomer nor are her in-laws. Might as well blame Gen Z if we're just going to throw arbitrary labels around. At least she put this is the right forum and not Preschool.

[Anonymous]

Why is this about Boomers. These inlaws aren't Boomers at all, and what do their specific issues have to do with your issue about another generation, as if everyone does this- they don't.

Most of the actual generation you are describing is gone. It sounds like they are also very sick. The state gets involved if they cannot take care of themselves, namely someone calls the police if someone falls, or a neighbor makes a call if there is screaming or there is a concern about their welfare. Or call Socisl Services yourself and they will help arrange your preference, with counseling, house clean out services, downsizing- for them to
move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Exactly what I was going to post.
The oldest boomers were born in '46 (I've even seen it specified as the second half of '46.) So the oldest boomers are currently 77 (or maybe just turned 78 in the last month, if you're not be so specific as to only count the second half of '46.)

NP here. This is what you’re focused on? Sweet Jesus. FFS.

A person focused on Boomer bashing with this manufactured generational angst isn't to be taken seriously. These are in-laws, not even her parents. Let the spouse deal.

Far away aging parents in need of care is a strain on a whole marriage, not just the spouse whose parents it is. It's money, it's time away, and it's worry weighing on your spouse.

Ok but it's not a "Boomer" issue. OP is latching on to the wrong thing for shock value. She failed.

She's framing the issue through her personal experience as a boomer issue. I think that unless you are a defensive boomer, it's easy to just focus on the issue at hand which is elderly relatives in a different state and a very tough thing to deal with.

Nah, there are plenty of resources for the OP to access, including her husband who can absolutely arrange things. But the Boomer label seems to be OP's bigger problem ( why?) because she is just kind of immature. That is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

+1. My mother was the same and also Silent Gen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

Exactly what I was going to post.
The oldest boomers were born in '46 (I've even seen it specified as the second half of '46.) So the oldest boomers are currently 77 (or maybe just turned 78 in the last month, if you're not be so specific as to only count the second half of '46.)

NP here. This is what you’re focused on? Sweet Jesus. FFS.

A person focused on Boomer bashing with this manufactured generational angst isn't to be taken seriously. These are in-laws, not even her parents. Let the spouse deal.

Far away aging parents in need of care is a strain on a whole marriage, not just the spouse whose parents it is. It's money, it's time away, and it's worry weighing on your spouse.

Ok but it's not a "Boomer" issue. OP is latching on to the wrong thing for shock value. She failed.

She's framing the issue through her personal experience as a boomer issue. I think that unless you are a defensive boomer, it's easy to just focus on the issue at hand which is elderly relatives in a different state and a very tough thing to deal with.

Nah, there are plenty of resources for the OP to access, including her husband who can absolutely arrange things. But the Boomer label seems to be OP's bigger problem ( why?) because she is just kind of immature. That is the problem.

+1. Nailed it. Her DH has his hands full with an ignorant wife.

[Anonymous]

My ILs are on cusp of silent/boomer though MiL is an early adapter in nearly everything so much more boomer in outlook and disposition.

As long as my MiL is able to drive and has her friends, they are not leaving the Midwest and that largely makes sense. It's complicated, however, as FiL is completely ambulatory (works out 2x/week), but fairly far down the road of dementia. If they had to make a move, I feel like I've read that this can get complicated with his more diminished state.

We and DH's sibling and family live on East coast. ILs' money goes a lot further in the Midwest, so that's another factor.

One difference here is that we and they are empty nesters and sibling and spouse have remote jobs with near total control over their schedules, so there is more flexibility than some folks here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws aren't Boomers, they are Silent Generation.

+1.

[Anonymous]

For all who say, "Move near family". What if the family decides to move after the elderly parents moved near you? Will you give consideration to your parents who moved to be near you?

I ask because if I were to move where my kids are, what if they decide to move later? My spouse and I have siblings who moved all over the world.

This is the fear I have about moving near to my kids one day.

Also, elderly people make moves based on finances.

NoVA area is not cheap. Maybe your ILs made their decision based on low taxes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you can do is decide how much you can do and stick to it. If FIL dies sooner because MIL isn’t a great advocate, then so be it. Does he really have some great quality of life you want to prolong by rushing down there and making sure all measures are taken?

He made the choice to live in a way that “he gets what he gets” and can’t get upset. I mean, he can get upset, but you don’t have to listen or feel guilty about it.

This is how I acted with my mother who refused help, and that’s how I will act with my dad who is very cooperative (didn’t help her but will help him).

[Anonymous]

I'm dealing with this too, OP. My parents are a 5 hour flight away and have refused to move or make any real plans such as moving their bedroom to the main level. My mom now has neurological issue and then last week dad had a sudden health emergency that makes it difficult for him to walk. They are living in semi squalor because they can't do things like change the sheets. They can afford to have a health aide come in, but won't because they're embarrassed. It's a mess.

I would love to have them live with or near me and have offered several times. I can't afford to live near them (expensive tourist area). They have a million excuses why they "can't" move but bottom line is they didn't want to, and now it's too overwhelming. It's not clear they can travel to me anymore either.

One of the things I didn't anticipate is how sad it is when they can't get the closure that comes with making a decision. Like, if they had planned to move, they could have said goodbye to favorite places, hobby groups, etc. on their own terms. But now they'll probably just never see certain people or places again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is now contending with widowhood, a move to assisted living in another state near family and the loss of a beloved pet who cannot be accommodated in assisted living. She keeps saying “it’s not fair! I am losing everything all at once - my husband, my home, etc” but here’s the thing. She is facing this massive upset because they did no planning. They should have moved near family 15 years ago. The dog should have been rehomed years ago since they couldn’t care for it properly. There should have been a conversation about her mild dementia and her husbands terminal diagnosis prior to his death. To me, it is beyond frustrating to see this type of magical thinking and failure to plan. My husband and I have vowed not to do this to our kids and have set up a pretty strict timeline regarding moving, downsizing etc.

You hit the nail on the head. This was my parents with a dependent sibling thrown in, who's now screaming "it's not fair" when sibling refused to do much to increase earnings in 20 years prior.

The question is not downsizing - the question is do you have the money to stay where you are and the ability/desire to hire in help if you don't downsize. For us to downsize, we will be spending MORE on smaller accommodations, when we can simply install an elevator for much less and plan to hire in help when needed, so our kids can be our kids and not our caretakers. I have a friend up the street living in only 1000 feet of her 5000 square foot home, which is very workable. What is NOT workable is that she refuses to hire in anyone to help her, even though she's disabled and depends on her one kid (who she's burning out) and friends and neighbors to do things for her, who are getting increasingly upset at her refusal to help herself. And it's not just 'can you grab me some bread at the grocery store since you are going'. There are very specific instructions and demands that go with each favor.

It's not always easy to just hire help when needed. Caregivers can be unreliable if you hire privately. There's a bit more reassurance of coverage if you go through an agency, but then you might end up with a revolving door of caregivers...someone different every shift. This can be especially frustrating when there are language and cultural differences.

Then at that point, we go to assisted living. I won’t force my kids to be slaves to us.

[Anonymous]

if they had planned to move, they could have said goodbye to favorite places, hobby groups, etc. on their own terms. But now they'll probably just never see certain people or places again.

pp, just sayin' .. this is the last thing I would want. A formal "goodbye". I know people who appreciate your approach. I'm just a different personality from you, and your parents may be also. Not that it matters but I'm 60+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your dad isn't going to live long enough to benefit from a move, OP. And your mom, because of the dementia and because she's preoccupied with his illnesses and anticipating grief, isn't cognitively able to process the idea of moving.

DP. This is kind of blunt, but true.

I saw the "analysis paralysis" with my grandparents and now my own parents. They were/are cognitively fine, but just can't make a decision. My parents have been talking about moving to a retirement community for over 5 years. They are in their early 80's now. Over Christmas I realized that my mother believes/realizes that my father will pass before her (this is likely true) but they've been married for 56 years and she can't seem to move forward with decisions, etc., without him.

OP, it sounds like the outcome here will be FIL dying and MIL not being able to function on her own. Does your husband or one of his siblings have a POA?