Feel Sorry for Ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my daughter told me that he told her he might retire or find a job near her college so she could have a place to go if she got lonely but she rolled her eyes at the thought. I mentioned it to him casually recently and he said he thought about it but wouldn’t want to impose on her and actually he turned away as he said it wiping at his eye. This makes me think his sadness is getting worse and I will take your advice.

This is exactly the sort of "needs a woman" mentality, and it's not uncommon for divorced/lonely men to put that responsibility on their female children.

Decent men can take care of themselves without making their care a woman's responsibility.

Exactly. It's his responsibility for developing his own social life (whether it's romantic or just platonic friendships in the community). OP is a nice person who still cares, but it's not her job or her daughters to be her EX's only social outlet. I also feel sorry for the daughter because one day he may need help or just some socialization to avoid becoming depressed, but because he hasn't made any effort outside of her, he will have no friends or community to reach out to.

[Anonymous]

He sounds at peace.

[Anonymous]

Makes no sense why you are this focused on him 10-15 years post divorce.

Unless he was parentifying your daughter, ie she had to be HIS emotional support adult, check on his meals, routine, health, all during high school, there is not a problem.

FYI- there IS a problem if he is leaning on her too much.
I know a divorced dad who would eat dinner at his mom’s house because the nurse there cooked daily, did his/her laundry, and made sure he wasn’t losing it. When the elderly mom died, guess what? The divorced dad tried to move in with his newlywed son. They said I, he threw a fit and moved next door, and is still demanding his son’s new wife make him dinner, do his laundry, check or clean his apartment.

Sad. The dependency is not right for a young adult and not healthy or functional for a 50+ yo father.

He needs to be healthy and independent. Not the opposite.

Make sure your daughter knows the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean do you know what you sound like?

The DCUM troll?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right, it is sad and heartbreaking, and it is unfortunate.

This is why it's horrible how we villainize fathers for moving on in a reasonable matter of time, getting married again and having more kids. If they choose to work their own happiness into their priorities the narrative is always that they are selfish and choosing the evil stepmother and his over their kids.

Then they are left with no family unit, no meaning in their life, nothing but an empty house and the bleakest Tinder matches you can imagine. They become depressed and isolated. Looking for a community, brewing about the resentment they feel for the sacrifices they made for their children, they start spending too much time online and get radicalized in some kind of toxic political or conspiracy sphere.

Got a little specific there, of course, and it's not your fault specifically OP, you seem supportive and kind, but my point is that the stigma of men getting remarried is not helping anyone. Not him, not the kids, not the community. It turns them into lonely sad middle aged men, and lonely sad men do not tend to independently rise up to be the best version of themselves--get therapy, get to the gym, throw themselves into hobbies or volunteering. They become a drain on society and everyone around them.

This is SO backwards! Listen, valuable members of "the community" are out there serving the community, getting therapy to work on their stuff (we all have some), and taking care of themselves. This bizarre notion that men need to be in a relationship (i.e. using a woman) before they do these things is the epitome of cart before horse.

It’s reality. I didn’t say it’s good or right. I don’t really know why men are like that, just nature or the way they’re socialized.

I have my own ex husband and I saw how people acted and treated him when he dared to find happiness in a new partner and had two more kids. Even his own family at times acted like he was such a prick for needing childcare to go on dates, going on vacation with his girlfriends without/instead of our kid, moving a few towns away from us over to where his wife lived, and focusing on the health of their relationship/marriage over our coparenting relationship and being less universally available to our kid. It’s like, yeah, she was no longer the only priority in his life, and she had to share his time and resources and attention in a way she didn’t before. But he also was a way happier person and therefore a better parent and having a new family eventually created a lot more stability and normalcy for our kid during his custody and modeled a healthy relationship for her which he and I were definitely not able to do.

On the other hand, I chose not to get married again at all or even date much due to my own issues and I don’t think it’s set a particularly helped my daughter or been a great example for her in and of itself. People asked me all the time when I would get back out there and tried to set me up. It’s going to be hell for me when she leaves for college, but I know I’ll be okay and able to lean on community and my friends and family in a way that many or most men just aren’t equipped to do.

...because they don't equip themselves to do it. They throw themselves into a new relationship, expecting their new woman to be their community/friends/family instead. Being in a good, healthy relationship with yourself is a great thing to model for your children. A man is not a plan. A woman shouldn't be, either.

This at a minimum.

OP’s ex has been flailing in the wind most of his life. Instead of making friends, interests and hobbies, he latched on to one person at a time.

He needs a sense of self, not more codependency and enabling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wasn’t a bad person when we divorced a decade ago. Intelligent, good job, devoted to our young daughter, no affairs or abuse, etc. But his overwhelmingly negative outlook on life sapped my energy and resulted in our split. I also have to admit after a few rocky years he has been very responsible post-divorce regarding our shared custody. He moved nearby and met all his financial commitments and more, never missed an obligation or appointment, always agreed to my requests for extra time with our daughter if my new husband and I were going on vacation, and has just been a good dad to her. She is off to college in the Fall out of state and we are moving away. I feel sad for him though because best I can tell he has never been in another relationship (blabby daughter never mentioned him seeing anybody) and appears to have few if any friends. In my interactions with him he seems even sadder than normal about these pending departures as I think our presence gave him some grounding. I guess I can’t really do anything for him as he is obviously an adult but I still have affection for him and worry about how he will maybe even survive over time?

Undiagnosed mental disorders?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a lot of people who don’t do a good job maintaining a well-rounded life while their kids are at home. I see lots of older SAHMs who don’t have excellent marriages go through it. But I honestly think my husband will be like this too; his whole life is spending time with the kids and working a lot for the kids and he has always dreaded the idea of them leaving the house (don’t remind him that his oldest only has 3.5 more years at home!) The only thing that makes DH feel better is that he’ll still have me. I think that stage of life can just be kind of a bummer.

I don’t love the way some men rely so much on having a spouse for their happiness, putting a big burden on their partner, but I also don’t blame them for wanting companionship when their kids leave. As long as they don’t marry someone who is going to be a bad stepmom.

[Anonymous]

I hope my husband never retires and just keeps working.

He has no hobbies no friends no conversation skills. Terrible caffeine and overeating. And is a slob.
If he were to retire, stay home and do nothing, the house would be a pigsty.

[Anonymous]

I really fail to see the problem here. ExH has lived enough life to know what matters to him. It’s his daughter. He wants to be near her. Why is that bad? For most of civilization, people always lived near or with their parents. You can certainly be very independent and live near each other.

Personally, I think focusing on your kids is an excellent use of time. A few pf my friends had divorced moms, (and it was always the divorced ones, not the widows), who kept chasing after men in the guise of being independent. It was pathetic. Half of them went bankrupt while helping their loverboys with business ventures. I always thought that was pathetic. I could never understand why they didn’t just move near their children and enjoy their grandchildren.

Sounds like ExH knows what makes him happy. He’ll figure out a way to stay near daughter without imposing on her. I’ll bet he make a phenomenal grandpa down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Makes no sense why you are this focused on him 10-15 years post divorce.

Unless he was parentifying your daughter, ie she had to be HIS emotional support adult, check on his meals, routine, health, all during high school, there is not a problem.

FYI- there IS a problem if he is leaning on her too much.
I know a divorced dad who would eat dinner at his mom’s house because the nurse there cooked daily, did his/her laundry, and made sure he wasn’t losing it. When the elderly mom died, guess what? The divorced dad tried to move in with his newlywed son. They said I, he threw a fit and moved next door, and is still demanding his son’s new wife make him dinner, do his laundry, check or clean his apartment.

Sad. The dependency is not right for a young adult and not healthy or functional for a 50+ yo father.

He needs to be healthy and independent. Not the opposite.

Make sure your daughter knows the difference.

I love when people make up backstories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has a friend like this. Once he divorced, his entire life has revolved around his kid. And while that is a good thing in many ways, it has gotten to the point where we are quite worried about what happens when his son leaves for college.

They moved to the Midwest not long before the divorce. So, he seems to have no friends out there, has barely gone on any dates in a decade, etc. It has been frustrating for my husband because for 10 years, even minimal contact is always subject to when this kid isn’t around, doesn’t have a baseball game, etc. But once this kid is gone next fall, we have no idea what this person will do with all the time he will have on his hands.

Maybe he actually has things he wants to do. I'm devoted to my kids and it will be an adjustment but if you are a good person you can find other good people.

[Anonymous]

Wish my ex was this way but I never would have divorced over such trivial issues.

[Anonymous]

My husband’s dad moved to be near him during college and they bonded during those years. The dad didn’t present it as moving TO be near, he just chose a place that suited him not too far. He can be near but not impose. He sounds like a good guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably decided he didn’t want another relationship. Very common. A lot of good men like that consciously check out from that path. They value peace and don’t want the hassle of pleasing impossible women.

NP. Stow the ugly and obvious judgement, PP. What a jerk response to an OP who clearly cares about what happens to another person. You have zero reason to think she was "impossible" during their marriage. Your post smacks of projection of issues of your own.

To the OP: It's good that you and he maintained such a cordial relationship and that he got (and kept) his act together re: raising the daughter you share. I'd encourage her to be sure to maintain good contact with him when she's away at college; that can fall off college students' radar, quite understandably as they get so busy, so it can't hurt to remind her (if she needs it). Does he have any hobbies that you know of? Any groups, classes, house of worship, volunteering, anything that he or your DD might have mentioned? If she was his world outside of work, you can only hope he might get involved in something now that she is going to college and you are moving away. If you know of an interest he has and can casually mention you heard about some organization/group/whatever involved in that interest, it might be a start. Yes, he's an adult and you divorced for a reason, but so many years later there's nothing wrong with a mention of something you think might interest him.

It was actually a very real response and you could switch genders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce can be very very hard for good men and damaging to their health, self esteem and mental health. Many just don’t recover. My dad never did.

Same with women.

The difference is that just about any woman can meet dozens of new guys without any effort.

Bwaaaaa … sure we can if they are 15-20 years older