Feel Sorry for Ex

[Anonymous]

I don't think there is a stigma to remarriage for men. There is a stigma to neglecting your parent/child relationship and responsibilities while dating and remarrying, but those men who have 50/50 custody and date on their own non-custody time until they find someone they can thoughtfully integrate into a family with their children don't suffer any stigma I can see.

I second the PP above who separates his dating life from kids and ex and mostly grey rocks his ex. I do the same with my exH. He's my ex, so he doesn't need to know anything about my sex and dating life. We are cordial, but he is not my friend. At this stage, almost 20 years after our divorce (which I insisted on) I'm not even sure I'd tell him I remarried, except that I wouldn't want to put the kids in the position of feeling like they have to keep a secret.

[Anonymous]

I feel like anyone who is hi-jacking this thread to talk about their ex and how they grey rock them to manage their lives —thinks WAY too much about the past and their ex. Man, move on

[Anonymous]

I mean do you know what you sound like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right, it is sad and heartbreaking, and it is unfortunate.

This is why it's horrible how we villainize fathers for moving on in a reasonable matter of time, getting married again and having more kids. If they choose to work their own happiness into their priorities the narrative is always that they are selfish and choosing the evil stepmother and his over their kids.

Then they are left with no family unit, no meaning in their life, nothing but an empty house and the bleakest Tinder matches you can imagine. They become depressed and isolated. Looking for a community, brewing about the resentment they feel for the sacrifices they made for their children, they start spending too much time online and get radicalized in some kind of toxic political or conspiracy sphere.

Got a little specific there, of course, and it's not your fault specifically OP, you seem supportive and kind, but my point is that the stigma of men getting remarried is not helping anyone. Not him, not the kids, not the community. It turns them into lonely sad middle aged men, and lonely sad men do not tend to independently rise up to be the best version of themselves--get therapy, get to the gym, throw themselves into hobbies or volunteering. They become a drain on society and everyone around them.

This is SO backwards! Listen, valuable members of "the community" are out there serving the community, getting therapy to work on their stuff (we all have some), and taking care of themselves. This bizarre notion that men need to be in a relationship (i.e. using a woman) before they do these things is the epitome of cart before horse.

It’s reality. I didn’t say it’s good or right. I don’t really know why men are like that, just nature or the way they’re socialized.

I have my own ex husband and I saw how people acted and treated him when he dared to find happiness in a new partner and had two more kids. Even his own family at times acted like he was such a prick for needing childcare to go on dates, going on vacation with his girlfriends without/instead of our kid, moving a few towns away from us over to where his wife lived, and focusing on the health of their relationship/marriage over our coparenting relationship and being less universally available to our kid. It’s like, yeah, she was no longer the only priority in his life, and she had to share his time and resources and attention in a way she didn’t before. But he also was a way happier person and therefore a better parent and having a new family eventually created a lot more stability and normalcy for our kid during his custody and modeled a healthy relationship for her which he and I were definitely not able to do.

On the other hand, I chose not to get married again at all or even date much due to my own issues and I don’t think it’s set a particularly helped my daughter or been a great example for her in and of itself. People asked me all the time when I would get back out there and tried to set me up. It’s going to be hell for me when she leaves for college, but I know I’ll be okay and able to lean on community and my friends and family in a way that many or most men just aren’t equipped to do.

...because they don't equip themselves to do it. They throw themselves into a new relationship, expecting their new woman to be their community/friends/family instead. Being in a good, healthy relationship with yourself is a great thing to model for your children. A man is not a plan. A woman shouldn't be, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right, it is sad and heartbreaking, and it is unfortunate.

This is why it's horrible how we villainize fathers for moving on in a reasonable matter of time, getting married again and having more kids. If they choose to work their own happiness into their priorities the narrative is always that they are selfish and choosing the evil stepmother and his over their kids.

Then they are left with no family unit, no meaning in their life, nothing but an empty house and the bleakest Tinder matches you can imagine. They become depressed and isolated. Looking for a community, brewing about the resentment they feel for the sacrifices they made for their children, they start spending too much time online and get radicalized in some kind of toxic political or conspiracy sphere.

Got a little specific there, of course, and it's not your fault specifically OP, you seem supportive and kind, but my point is that the stigma of men getting remarried is not helping anyone. Not him, not the kids, not the community. It turns them into lonely sad middle aged men, and lonely sad men do not tend to independently rise up to be the best version of themselves--get therapy, get to the gym, throw themselves into hobbies or volunteering. They become a drain on society and everyone around them.

This is SO backwards! Listen, valuable members of "the community" are out there serving the community, getting therapy to work on their stuff (we all have some), and taking care of themselves. This bizarre notion that men need to be in a relationship (i.e. using a woman) before they do these things is the epitome of cart before horse.

It’s reality. I didn’t say it’s good or right. I don’t really know why men are like that, just nature or the way they’re socialized.

I have my own ex husband and I saw how people acted and treated him when he dared to find happiness in a new partner and had two more kids. Even his own family at times acted like he was such a prick for needing childcare to go on dates, going on vacation with his girlfriends without/instead of our kid, moving a few towns away from us over to where his wife lived, and focusing on the health of their relationship/marriage over our coparenting relationship and being less universally available to our kid. It’s like, yeah, she was no longer the only priority in his life, and she had to share his time and resources and attention in a way she didn’t before. But he also was a way happier person and therefore a better parent and having a new family eventually created a lot more stability and normalcy for our kid during his custody and modeled a healthy relationship for her which he and I were definitely not able to do.

On the other hand, I chose not to get married again at all or even date much due to my own issues and I don’t think it’s set a particularly helped my daughter or been a great example for her in and of itself. People asked me all the time when I would get back out there and tried to set me up. It’s going to be hell for me when she leaves for college, but I know I’ll be okay and able to lean on community and my friends and family in a way that many or most men just aren’t equipped to do.

...because they don't equip themselves to do it. They throw themselves into a new relationship, expecting their new woman to be their community/friends/family instead. Being in a good, healthy relationship with yourself is a great thing to model for your children. A man is not a plan. A woman shouldn't be, either.

But that’s how men are. You are trying to mold then into beings capable of making and keeping friends, being involved in the community etc…Sure such men do exist and good for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to be his friend? If so, reach out and be his friend. That is what you can do. If you don't....then this just really isn't your thing to deal with.

I like this advice. I think it is possible for exes to be friends and maybe he thinks so too.

By the way, if he does date, he will discover that some women are very attracted to good dads. Either because their own fathers were bad or their ex husbands were bad.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can befriend your ex, if you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right, it is sad and heartbreaking, and it is unfortunate.

This is why it's horrible how we villainize fathers for moving on in a reasonable matter of time, getting married again and having more kids. If they choose to work their own happiness into their priorities the narrative is always that they are selfish and choosing the evil stepmother and his over their kids.

Then they are left with no family unit, no meaning in their life, nothing but an empty house and the bleakest Tinder matches you can imagine. They become depressed and isolated. Looking for a community, brewing about the resentment they feel for the sacrifices they made for their children, they start spending too much time online and get radicalized in some kind of toxic political or conspiracy sphere.

Got a little specific there, of course, and it's not your fault specifically OP, you seem supportive and kind, but my point is that the stigma of men getting remarried is not helping anyone. Not him, not the kids, not the community. It turns them into lonely sad middle aged men, and lonely sad men do not tend to independently rise up to be the best version of themselves--get therapy, get to the gym, throw themselves into hobbies or volunteering. They become a drain on society and everyone around them.

This is SO backwards! Listen, valuable members of "the community" are out there serving the community, getting therapy to work on their stuff (we all have some), and taking care of themselves. This bizarre notion that men need to be in a relationship (i.e. using a woman) before they do these things is the epitome of cart before horse.

It’s reality. I didn’t say it’s good or right. I don’t really know why men are like that, just nature or the way they’re socialized.

I have my own ex husband and I saw how people acted and treated him when he dared to find happiness in a new partner and had two more kids. Even his own family at times acted like he was such a prick for needing childcare to go on dates, going on vacation with his girlfriends without/instead of our kid, moving a few towns away from us over to where his wife lived, and focusing on the health of their relationship/marriage over our coparenting relationship and being less universally available to our kid. It’s like, yeah, she was no longer the only priority in his life, and she had to share his time and resources and attention in a way she didn’t before. But he also was a way happier person and therefore a better parent and having a new family eventually created a lot more stability and normalcy for our kid during his custody and modeled a healthy relationship for her which he and I were definitely not able to do.

On the other hand, I chose not to get married again at all or even date much due to my own issues and I don’t think it’s set a particularly helped my daughter or been a great example for her in and of itself. People asked me all the time when I would get back out there and tried to set me up. It’s going to be hell for me when she leaves for college, but I know I’ll be okay and able to lean on community and my friends and family in a way that many or most men just aren’t equipped to do.

...because they don't equip themselves to do it. They throw themselves into a new relationship, expecting their new woman to be their community/friends/family instead. Being in a good, healthy relationship with yourself is a great thing to model for your children. A man is not a plan. A woman shouldn't be, either.

But that’s how men are. You are trying to mold then into beings capable of making and keeping friends, being involved in the community etc…Sure such men do exist and good for them.

What on earth are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

PPs are correct, trash people can be very happy preying on the kindness and timidity of people around them. Some get their comeuppance eventually, and many don't. Living like a soulless animal is a good gig if you want it, but it's hard for someone with a soul to throw it away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is hilarious, and probably wrong. I've been divorced for 10 years. I've had sex with about 40 women (10 or so of them under age 30) since the divorce and I've had several long-term relationships since the divorce. My current girlfriend is 30 years younger than me, and she is thin, hot, and smart.

I have 50/50 and my kids have never met a single one of my girlfriends and I've never told them (or my ex) about any girlfriend or sex partner. My social accounts have no photos of me with women. Why have I been private? Because my ex-w is a witch and would bad-mouth to the kids about anyone I was dating, and would work extra hard to destroy my happiness. Part of grey-rock is not letting her know what I'm up to and perhaps making it look like I am unhappy and alone, but every day since the divorce had been like being on vacation at a Caribbean resort.

If you have money I hope you got a vasectomy unless you want another kid.

I am a female and know at least 3-4 women who were on birth control and one (allegedly) had an IUD and “surprise” got pregnant. Two were dating wealthy men (had kids from first marriages) and one was in her late 30s. All women were thin, hot, successful, smart and two of them are SAHMs now. None were engaged and living together at the time.

So, watch out man!!

What kind of preson calls herself "a female" to differentiate herself from her associates who are "women"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He had an obvious reason to not pursue other relationships. He’s probably fine, just recognizes he will miss his daughter and life is changing.

+1. Don't pathologize a time
when it's normal to think about missing people and how life is changing. I can be sad that my kid is leaving for college and excited for their new opportunities as well as my own.

Your whole post really smacks of "I got re-married and he didn't so his whole life is tragic and he's going to die alone and I'm better.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean do you know what you sound like?

Op sounds like a narcissistic ahole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean do you know what you sound like?

Op sounds like a narcissistic ahole.

[Anonymous]

Guaranteed he will be dating a 35 year old soon and op will be here trashing the both of them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP probably had an affair.

Probably. . He's too negative means he wanted to plan for and consider the future like an adult and not live in rainbow and lollipop land like op.

He probably also wasn't making enough money for op at the time so she got herself a little sugar daddy.