Feel Sorry for Ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce can be very very hard for good men and damaging to their health, self esteem and mental health. Many just don’t recover. My dad never did.

Same with women.

The difference is that just about any woman can meet dozens of new guys without any effort.

[Anonymous]

This is why you never raise your son to be a beta male like op’s ex

[Anonymous]

OP is hilarious, and probably wrong. I've been divorced for 10 years. I've had sex with about 40 women (10 or so of them under age 30) since the divorce and I've had several long-term relationships since the divorce. My current girlfriend is 30 years younger than me, and she is thin, hot, and smart.

I have 50/50 and my kids have never met a single one of my girlfriends and I've never told them (or my ex) about any girlfriend or sex partner. My social accounts have no photos of me with women. Why have I been private? Because my ex-w is a witch and would bad-mouth to the kids about anyone I was dating, and would work extra hard to destroy my happiness. Part of grey-rock is not letting her know what I'm up to and perhaps making it look like I am unhappy and alone, but every day since the divorce had been like being on vacation at a Caribbean resort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my daughter told me that he told her he might retire or find a job near her college so she could have a place to go if she got lonely but she rolled her eyes at the thought. I mentioned it to him casually recently and he said he thought about it but wouldn’t want to impose on her and actually he turned away as he said it wiping at his eye. This makes me think his sadness is getting worse and I will take your advice.

He sounds like he lacks goals and direction, friends and hobbies. Thats on him.

And who knows what was underlying his negativity which caused your divorce. I assume you gave him opportunities to focus on that and improve, or get tested or professional help from a doctor /therapy.

That’s all on him. You know what you know. Don’t bother fabricating what he’s been doing or thinking that ten years. That’s a waste of time. Makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is hilarious, and probably wrong. I've been divorced for 10 years. I've had sex with about 40 women (10 or so of them under age 30) since the divorce and I've had several long-term relationships since the divorce. My current girlfriend is 30 years younger than me, and she is thin, hot, and smart.

I have 50/50 and my kids have never met a single one of my girlfriends and I've never told them (or my ex) about any girlfriend or sex partner. My social accounts have no photos of me with women. Why have I been private? Because my ex-w is a witch and would bad-mouth to the kids about anyone I was dating, and would work extra hard to destroy my happiness. Part of grey-rock is not letting her know what I'm up to and perhaps making it look like I am unhappy and alone, but every day since the divorce had been like being on vacation at a Caribbean resort.

If you have money I hope you got a vasectomy unless you want another kid.

I am a female and know at least 3-4 women who were on birth control and one (allegedly) had an IUD and “surprise” got pregnant. Two were dating wealthy men (had kids from first marriages) and one was in her late 30s. All women were thin, hot, successful, smart and two of them are SAHMs now. None were engaged and living together at the time.

So, watch out man!!

[Anonymous]

What is the PP with all these young women doing reading DCUM?

[Anonymous]

OP probably had an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're right, it is sad and heartbreaking, and it is unfortunate.

This is why it's horrible how we villainize fathers for moving on in a reasonable matter of time, getting married again and having more kids. If they choose to work their own happiness into their priorities the narrative is always that they are selfish and choosing the evil stepmother and his over their kids.

Then they are left with no family unit, no meaning in their life, nothing but an empty house and the bleakest Tinder matches you can imagine. They become depressed and isolated. Looking for a community, brewing about the resentment they feel for the sacrifices they made for their children, they start spending too much time online and get radicalized in some kind of toxic political or conspiracy sphere.

Got a little specific there, of course, and it's not your fault specifically OP, you seem supportive and kind, but my point is that the stigma of men getting remarried is not helping anyone. Not him, not the kids, not the community. It turns them into lonely sad middle aged men, and lonely sad men do not tend to independently rise up to be the best version of themselves--get therapy, get to the gym, throw themselves into hobbies or volunteering. They become a drain on society and everyone around them.

This is SO backwards! Listen, valuable members of "the community" are out there serving the community, getting therapy to work on their stuff (we all have some), and taking care of themselves. This bizarre notion that men need to be in a relationship (i.e. using a woman) before they do these things is the epitome of cart before horse.

It’s reality. I didn’t say it’s good or right. I don’t really know why men are like that, just nature or the way they’re socialized.

I have my own ex husband and I saw how people acted and treated him when he dared to find happiness in a new partner and had two more kids. Even his own family at times acted like he was such a prick for needing childcare to go on dates, going on vacation with his girlfriends without/instead of our kid, moving a few towns away from us over to where his wife lived, and focusing on the health of their relationship/marriage over our coparenting relationship and being less universally available to our kid. It’s like, yeah, she was no longer the only priority in his life, and she had to share his time and resources and attention in a way she didn’t before. But he also was a way happier person and therefore a better parent and having a new family eventually created a lot more stability and normalcy for our kid during his custody and modeled a healthy relationship for her which he and I were definitely not able to do.

On the other hand, I chose not to get married again at all or even date much due to my own issues and I don’t think it’s set a particularly helped my daughter or been a great example for her in and of itself. People asked me all the time when I would get back out there and tried to set me up. It’s going to be hell for me when she leaves for college, but I know I’ll be okay and able to lean on community and my friends and family in a way that many or most men just aren’t equipped to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce can be very very hard for good men and damaging to their health, self esteem and mental health. Many just don’t recover. My dad never did.

Same with women.

The difference is that just about any woman can meet dozens of new guys without any effort.

You think? Interesting. That statement and where it’s coming from somewhat appealing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is hilarious, and probably wrong. I've been divorced for 10 years. I've had sex with about 40 women (10 or so of them under age 30) since the divorce and I've had several long-term relationships since the divorce. My current girlfriend is 30 years younger than me, and she is thin, hot, and smart.

I have 50/50 and my kids have never met a single one of my girlfriends and I've never told them (or my ex) about any girlfriend or sex partner. My social accounts have no photos of me with women. Why have I been private? Because my ex-w is a witch and would bad-mouth to the kids about anyone I was dating, and would work extra hard to destroy my happiness. Part of grey-rock is not letting her know what I'm up to and perhaps making it look like I am unhappy and alone, but every day since the divorce had been like being on vacation at a Caribbean resort.

If you have money I hope you got a vasectomy unless you want another kid.

I am a female and know at least 3-4 women who were on birth control and one (allegedly) had an IUD and “surprise” got pregnant. Two were dating wealthy men (had kids from first marriages) and one was in her late 30s. All women were thin, hot, successful, smart and two of them are SAHMs now. None were engaged and living together at the time.

So, watch out man!!

I am a woman, so this is hypothetical to me. I don’t think this is a problem. What is wrong with more babies. Pre nup with the bomb. Big deal. Babies are great if you have resources.

[Anonymous]

“Prenup with the bump” (autocorrection issue)

Guys should have more babies. The world must be peopled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably decided he didn’t want another relationship. Very common. A lot of good men like that consciously check out from that path. They value peace and don’t want the hassle of pleasing impossible women.

NP. Stow the ugly and obvious judgement, PP. What a jerk response to an OP who clearly cares about what happens to another person. You have zero reason to think she was "impossible" during their marriage. Your post smacks of projection of issues of your own.

To the OP: It's good that you and he maintained such a cordial relationship and that he got (and kept) his act together re: raising the daughter you share. I'd encourage her to be sure to maintain good contact with him when she's away at college; that can fall off college students' radar, quite understandably as they get so busy, so it can't hurt to remind her (if she needs it). Does he have any hobbies that you know of? Any groups, classes, house of worship, volunteering, anything that he or your DD might have mentioned? If she was his world outside of work, you can only hope he might get involved in something now that she is going to college and you are moving away. If you know of an interest he has and can casually mention you heard about some organization/group/whatever involved in that interest, it might be a start. Yes, he's an adult and you divorced for a reason, but so many years later there's nothing wrong with a mention of something you think might interest him.

I clearly touched a nerve with you.

It’s not like your viewpoint on this is valid, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He had an obvious reason to not pursue other relationships. He’s probably fine, just recognizes he will miss his daughter and life is changing.

+1. Don't pathologize a time
when it's normal to think about missing people and how life is changing. I can be sad that my kid is leaving for college and excited for their new opportunities as well as my own.

Your whole post really smacks of "I got re-married and he didn't so his whole life is tragic and he's going to die alone and I'm better.

[Anonymous]

He could be anticipatory grieving for when his daughter leaves the nest. The rest of the details you added could be irrelevant and your pen interpretation. My son is leaving this summer. I was sad about 10-15 months ago.

[Anonymous]

This has not-much to do with you. This is mainly between him and his daughter. He is sharing his feelings with you because you can understand them. It’s nice that he can feel vulnerable. It’s nice that he can let down his guard around you to express what any parent would feel in these circumstances.

It’s nice that you are friends enough to share this moment about your daughter. The nerves …the unknown… and the uncertainty of her leaving home and launching on her own. It’s his baby girl!