Feel Sorry for Ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wasn’t a bad person when we divorced a decade ago. Intelligent, good job, devoted to our young daughter, no affairs or abuse, etc. But his overwhelmingly negative outlook on life sapped my energy and resulted in our split. I also have to admit after a few rocky years he has been very responsible post-divorce regarding our shared custody. He moved nearby and met all his financial commitments and more, never missed an obligation or appointment, always agreed to my requests for extra time with our daughter if my new husband and I were going on vacation, and has just been a good dad to her. She is off to college in the Fall out of state and we are moving away. I feel sad for him though because best I can tell he has never been in another relationship (blabby daughter never mentioned him seeing anybody) and appears to have few if any friends. In my interactions with him he seems even sadder than normal about these pending departures as I think our presence gave him some grounding. I guess I can’t really do anything for him as he is obviously an adult but I still have affection for him and worry about how he will maybe even survive over time?

OP, have you considered sending him a can of popcorn from The Popcorn Factory?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't waste time feeling sorry. He's chosen to set up his life this way. He can choose to date, to join activities, volunteer, meet people, make friends, etc. It's a choice to lean on your ex and her new husband.

[Anonymous]

You're right, it is sad and heartbreaking, and it is unfortunate.

This is why it's horrible how we villainize fathers for moving on in a reasonable matter of time, getting married again and having more kids. If they choose to work their own happiness into their priorities the narrative is always that they are selfish and choosing the evil stepmother and his over their kids.

Then they are left with no family unit, no meaning in their life, nothing but an empty house and the bleakest Tinder matches you can imagine. They become depressed and isolated. Looking for a community, brewing about the resentment they feel for the sacrifices they made for their children, they start spending too much time online and get radicalized in some kind of toxic political or conspiracy sphere.

Got a little specific there, of course, and it's not your fault specifically OP, you seem supportive and kind, but my point is that the stigma of men getting remarried is not helping anyone. Not him, not the kids, not the community. It turns them into lonely sad middle aged men, and lonely sad men do not tend to independently rise up to be the best version of themselves--get therapy, get to the gym, throw themselves into hobbies or volunteering. They become a drain on society and everyone around them.

[Anonymous]

You treated him horrible and after that, it wasn't worth another relationship. You destroyed him.

[Anonymous]

Are you cordial at with his family? Could you mention in passing that it seems like a potentially difficult transition period for him and it could be good to up the contact with him? Idk, just thinking out loud.

You sound like a good person OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're right, it is sad and heartbreaking, and it is unfortunate.

This is why it's horrible how we villainize fathers for moving on in a reasonable matter of time, getting married again and having more kids. If they choose to work their own happiness into their priorities the narrative is always that they are selfish and choosing the evil stepmother and his over their kids.

Then they are left with no family unit, no meaning in their life, nothing but an empty house and the bleakest Tinder matches you can imagine. They become depressed and isolated. Looking for a community, brewing about the resentment they feel for the sacrifices they made for their children, they start spending too much time online and get radicalized in some kind of toxic political or conspiracy sphere.

Got a little specific there, of course, and it's not your fault specifically OP, you seem supportive and kind, but my point is that the stigma of men getting remarried is not helping anyone. Not him, not the kids, not the community. It turns them into lonely sad middle aged men, and lonely sad men do not tend to independently rise up to be the best version of themselves--get therapy, get to the gym, throw themselves into hobbies or volunteering. They become a drain on society and everyone around them.

+1. Well articulated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're right, it is sad and heartbreaking, and it is unfortunate.

This is why it's horrible how we villainize fathers for moving on in a reasonable matter of time, getting married again and having more kids. If they choose to work their own happiness into their priorities the narrative is always that they are selfish and choosing the evil stepmother and his over their kids.

Then they are left with no family unit, no meaning in their life, nothing but an empty house and the bleakest Tinder matches you can imagine. They become depressed and isolated. Looking for a community, brewing about the resentment they feel for the sacrifices they made for their children, they start spending too much time online and get radicalized in some kind of toxic political or conspiracy sphere.

Got a little specific there, of course, and it's not your fault specifically OP, you seem supportive and kind, but my point is that the stigma of men getting remarried is not helping anyone. Not him, not the kids, not the community. It turns them into lonely sad middle aged men, and lonely sad men do not tend to independently rise up to be the best version of themselves--get therapy, get to the gym, throw themselves into hobbies or volunteering. They become a drain on society and everyone around them.

This is SO backwards! Listen, valuable members of "the community" are out there serving the community, getting therapy to work on their stuff (we all have some), and taking care of themselves. This bizarre notion that men need to be in a relationship (i.e. using a woman) before they do these things is the epitome of cart before horse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You treated him horrible and after that, it wasn't worth another relationship. You destroyed him.

Ignore this. You had your reasons, and if he'd wanted to do better by you, he could've.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my daughter told me that he told her he might retire or find a job near her college so she could have a place to go if she got lonely but she rolled her eyes at the thought. I mentioned it to him casually recently and he said he thought about it but wouldn’t want to impose on her and actually he turned away as he said it wiping at his eye. This makes me think his sadness is getting worse and I will take your advice.

This is exactly the sort of "needs a woman" mentality, and it's not uncommon for divorced/lonely men to put that responsibility on their female children.

Decent men can take care of themselves without making their care a woman's responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce can be very very hard for good men and damaging to their health, self esteem and mental health. Many just don’t recover. My dad never did.

Same with women.

[Anonymous]

He had an obvious reason to not pursue other relationships. He’s probably fine, just recognizes he will miss his daughter and life is changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my daughter told me that he told her he might retire or find a job near her college so she could have a place to go if she got lonely but she rolled her eyes at the thought. I mentioned it to him casually recently and he said he thought about it but wouldn’t want to impose on her and actually he turned away as he said it wiping at his eye. This makes me think his sadness is getting worse and I will take your advice.

Tell your ex to grow up. It's blunt. But, it's not his kid's job to keep him company. He's an adult. Go out and make friends or find interests. Let the kid grow and learn to be independent. If he hovers over her she will reset him which is the last thing he wants.

Time to realize his kid is turning into a young woman and she wants some freedom. Just be there for her when she needs it.

+1 Good parenting includes letting your kids go so they can be independent adults, not following them to college under the guise of helping them when the reality is you're too ________ to be an independent adult yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my daughter told me that he told her he might retire or find a job near her college so she could have a place to go if she got lonely but she rolled her eyes at the thought. I mentioned it to him casually recently and he said he thought about it but wouldn’t want to impose on her and actually he turned away as he said it wiping at his eye. This makes me think his sadness is getting worse and I will take your advice.

This is exactly the sort of "needs a woman" mentality, and it's not uncommon for divorced/lonely men to put that responsibility on their female children.

Decent men can take care of themselves without making their care a woman's responsibility.

Disagree. That’s his kin. People want to be around the family unit. Every human culture. This man is acting normal.

[Anonymous]

Maybe without you and your daughter around, he will be forced to spend energy trying to make more of a life for himself. You sound kind, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He probably decided he didn’t want another relationship. Very common. A lot of good men like that consciously check out from that path. They value peace and don’t want the hassle of pleasing impossible women.

Actually, this is true.