Feel Sorry for Ex

[Anonymous]

He wasn’t a bad person when we divorced a decade ago. Intelligent, good job, devoted to our young daughter, no affairs or abuse, etc. But his overwhelmingly negative outlook on life sapped my energy and resulted in our split. I also have to admit after a few rocky years he has been very responsible post-divorce regarding our shared custody. He moved nearby and met all his financial commitments and more, never missed an obligation or appointment, always agreed to my requests for extra time with our daughter if my new husband and I were going on vacation, and has just been a good dad to her. She is off to college in the Fall out of state and we are moving away. I feel sad for him though because best I can tell he has never been in another relationship (blabby daughter never mentioned him seeing anybody) and appears to have few if any friends. In my interactions with him he seems even sadder than normal about these pending departures as I think our presence gave him some grounding. I guess I can’t really do anything for him as he is obviously an adult but I still have affection for him and worry about how he will maybe even survive over time?

[Anonymous]

He probably decided he didn’t want another relationship. Very common. A lot of good men like that consciously check out from that path. They value peace and don’t want the hassle of pleasing impossible women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He probably decided he didn’t want another relationship. Very common. A lot of good men like that consciously check out from that path. They value peace and don’t want the hassle of pleasing impossible women.

NP. Stow the ugly and obvious judgement, PP. What a jerk response to an OP who clearly cares about what happens to another person. You have zero reason to think she was "impossible" during their marriage. Your post smacks of projection of issues of your own.

To the OP: It's good that you and he maintained such a cordial relationship and that he got (and kept) his act together re: raising the daughter you share. I'd encourage her to be sure to maintain good contact with him when she's away at college; that can fall off college students' radar, quite understandably as they get so busy, so it can't hurt to remind her (if she needs it). Does he have any hobbies that you know of? Any groups, classes, house of worship, volunteering, anything that he or your DD might have mentioned? If she was his world outside of work, you can only hope he might get involved in something now that she is going to college and you are moving away. If you know of an interest he has and can casually mention you heard about some organization/group/whatever involved in that interest, it might be a start. Yes, he's an adult and you divorced for a reason, but so many years later there's nothing wrong with a mention of something you think might interest him.

[Anonymous]

OP here - my daughter told me that he told her he might retire or find a job near her college so she could have a place to go if she got lonely but she rolled her eyes at the thought. I mentioned it to him casually recently and he said he thought about it but wouldn’t want to impose on her and actually he turned away as he said it wiping at his eye. This makes me think his sadness is getting worse and I will take your advice.

[Anonymous]

He's probably been OLDing and sleeping around.

[Anonymous]

Divorce can be very very hard for good men and damaging to their health, self esteem and mental health. Many just don’t recover. My dad never did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wasn’t a bad person when we divorced a decade ago. Intelligent, good job, devoted to our young daughter, no affairs or abuse, etc. But his overwhelmingly negative outlook on life sapped my energy and resulted in our split. I also have to admit after a few rocky years he has been very responsible post-divorce regarding our shared custody. He moved nearby and met all his financial commitments and more, never missed an obligation or appointment, always agreed to my requests for extra time with our daughter if my new husband and I were going on vacation, and has just been a good dad to her. She is off to college in the Fall out of state and we are moving away. I feel sad for him though because best I can tell he has never been in another relationship (blabby daughter never mentioned him seeing anybody) and appears to have few if any friends. In my interactions with him he seems even sadder than normal about these pending departures as I think our presence gave him some grounding. I guess I can’t really do anything for him as he is obviously an adult but I still have affection for him and worry about how he will maybe even survive over time?

He's focused on raising and spending time with his daughter. For most good men that comes first before dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my daughter told me that he told her he might retire or find a job near her college so she could have a place to go if she got lonely but she rolled her eyes at the thought. I mentioned it to him casually recently and he said he thought about it but wouldn’t want to impose on her and actually he turned away as he said it wiping at his eye. This makes me think his sadness is getting worse and I will take your advice.

Tell your ex to grow up. It's blunt. But, it's not his kid's job to keep him company. He's an adult. Go out and make friends or find interests. Let the kid grow and learn to be independent. If he hovers over her she will reset him which is the last thing he wants.

Time to realize his kid is turning into a young woman and she wants some freedom. Just be there for her when she needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my daughter told me that he told her he might retire or find a job near her college so she could have a place to go if she got lonely but she rolled her eyes at the thought. I mentioned it to him casually recently and he said he thought about it but wouldn’t want to impose on her and actually he turned away as he said it wiping at his eye. This makes me think his sadness is getting worse and I will take your advice.

It’s not really your business I guess. It is your daughter’s so just try to help her find compassion for her lonely dad despite her being the age that she is venturing off on her own.

[Anonymous]

My husband has a friend like this. Once he divorced, his entire life has revolved around his kid. And while that is a good thing in many ways, it has gotten to the point where we are quite worried about what happens when his son leaves for college.

They moved to the Midwest not long before the divorce. So, he seems to have no friends out there, has barely gone on any dates in a decade, etc. It has been frustrating for my husband because for 10 years, even minimal contact is always subject to when this kid isn’t around, doesn’t have a baseball game, etc. But once this kid is gone next fall, we have no idea what this person will do with all the time he will have on his hands.

[Anonymous]

Do you want to be his friend? If so, reach out and be his friend. That is what you can do. If you don't....then this just really isn't your thing to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wasn’t a bad person when we divorced a decade ago. Intelligent, good job, devoted to our young daughter, no affairs or abuse, etc. But his overwhelmingly negative outlook on life sapped my energy and resulted in our split. I also have to admit after a few rocky years he has been very responsible post-divorce regarding our shared custody. He moved nearby and met all his financial commitments and more, never missed an obligation or appointment, always agreed to my requests for extra time with our daughter if my new husband and I were going on vacation, and has just been a good dad to her. She is off to college in the Fall out of state and we are moving away. I feel sad for him though because best I can tell he has never been in another relationship (blabby daughter never mentioned him seeing anybody) and appears to have few if any friends. In my interactions with him he seems even sadder than normal about these pending departures as I think our presence gave him some grounding. I guess I can’t really do anything for him as he is obviously an adult but I still have affection for him and worry about how he will maybe even survive over time?

He's focused on raising and spending time with his daughter. For most good men that comes first before dating.

+1. I have been divorced 3 years now. I am devoting all my time and energy to my son. I plan to start dating again when he is a Senior. It will be tough when he leaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my daughter told me that he told her he might retire or find a job near her college so she could have a place to go if she got lonely but she rolled her eyes at the thought. I mentioned it to him casually recently and he said he thought about it but wouldn’t want to impose on her and actually he turned away as he said it wiping at his eye. This makes me think his sadness is getting worse and I will take your advice.

That is really really sad op, I'm glad you are concerned and noticed. Remind your dd to schedule some weekly check in with him like a quick text on the weekends or phone call.

[Anonymous]

A member of the 70% divorce filling crew now worrying about her ex husband. Incredible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably decided he didn’t want another relationship. Very common. A lot of good men like that consciously check out from that path. They value peace and don’t want the hassle of pleasing impossible women.

NP. Stow the ugly and obvious judgement, PP. What a jerk response to an OP who clearly cares about what happens to another person. You have zero reason to think she was "impossible" during their marriage. Your post smacks of projection of issues of your own.

Step 1. Be a good husband.
Step 2. Get divorced anyway.
Step 3. Get criticized on DCUM by harridans that never have any sympathy for men.