How do deal with 17YO DD having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it true that “most” 17 year olds are having sex? So interesting - I had a few boyfriends in HS but just really wasn’t ready until college (freshman year). No judgment - I would be fine with my kids being sexually active at 17 but I guess I didn’t realize that the *majority* of HS junior and seniors are sexually active.

I'm a gen x'r and I think kids are different these days, but I had plenty of sex in high school. And I don't think any of my high school friends weren't having sex. We all were. A lot.

PP here. With partners, or random hookups? I’m also gen x and while I had sexually actively friends, it was considered a big deal and they were in relationships. My two freshman year roommates were also virgins (but we really focused a lot on losing our virginity that year!).

[Anonymous]

PP again. My perception might be skewed because my own 17 year old DD is very naive and a bit immature for her age. I think a lot depends upon the teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First thing on Monday morning make an appointment for her to get an IUD. It sounds like you raised a mature, responsible DD. Sex is normal at age 17, OP.

Not your decision and no OBGYN will forcibly implant an IUD in a 17 year old without her consent. She can call and make the appointment herself, if she so desires.

Forcibly implant an IUD? WHAT? Why would you think this was something forced on her? Helping her navigate this is being a great mom, not doing something without her consent. The assumption is that the daughter would not want to be pregnant and getting an IUD is the best way to avoid this. Some people on DCUM are so combative. You must be a lot of fun to be around in real life, PP.

Helping her navigate this is very different than saying, “First thing Monday morning make an appointment for her to get an IUD.” The mother could encourage the daughter to discuss birth control options with her doctor, but the mother demanding the doctor implant an IUD in her 17 year old daughter is out of line. I’m in my 40s and wouldn’t choose an IUD—no way should a mother force that on a 17 year old.

Why would anyone assume this is FORCED? The mother DEMANDING? FFS. You have issues.

Because the mother is unilaterally making the decision for her daughter. Nowhere does the mother indicate that the daughter should discuss birth control options with her doctor nor does she say that her daughter wants an IUD. The mother learned her daughter is sexually active, and has decided to take matters into her own hands by calling the doctor and making an appointment for the daughter to get an IUD. FWIW, I believe the doctor has to have a consultation with the patient first to determine whether she’s a good candidate for an IUD, but the mother clearly doesn’t know that—she thinks she can show up with her daughter in tow and demand an IUD be implanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Found out that DD is having sex with a boy but they are not in a relationship since neither wants to get serious due to going away to college next year. I’m having a really hard time letting her hang out with this kid because I know they have having sex. I know they are being careful but it goes against my morals and I’m honestly just disgusted by the thought of this. How can I get over it and am I to simply allow them to hang out (Obviously not in my house)! Any advise for me?

You be smart. GYN, birth control, STD talk.

Otherwise, you be a grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it true that “most” 17 year olds are having sex? So interesting - I had a few boyfriends in HS but just really wasn’t ready until college (freshman year). No judgment - I would be fine with my kids being sexually active at 17 but I guess I didn’t realize that the *majority* of HS junior and seniors are sexually active.

They aren’t. The most recent CDC study shows only 30% of teens 13-17 had sex: https://nccd.cdc.gov/Youthonline/App/Results.aspx?TT=A&OUT=0&SID=HS&QID=QQ&LID=XX&YID=2021&LID2=&YID2=&COL=S&ROW1=N&ROW2=N&HT=QQ&LCT=LL&FS=S1&FR=R1&FG=G1&FA=A1&FI=I1&FP=P1&FSL=S1&FRL=R1&FGL=G1&FAL=A1&FIL=I1&FPL=P1&PV=&TST=False&C1=&C2=&QP=G&DP=1&VA=CI&CS=Y&SYID=&EYID=&SC=DEFAULT&SO=ASC

As a parent I’m much more concerned about the use of contraception than the intercourse stats here.

(FWIW, I didn’t have sex until I was 20)

Yep. 70% are not having it so OP’s daughter is in a clear minority.

70% of teens 13-17 aren’t having sex. But if you looked at just 17 year olds, I guarantee the sexually active percentage is much higher than 30%. MUCH HIGHER Big difference between an 8th grader and a 12th grader.

Disagree. I know so many 17 year olds who are not having sex. It's frankly odd. Kids aren't even socializing much with the opposite sex these days, let alone having sex. Almost no one is dating in the traditional sense. It's all social media.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get your concern also and don’t have anything to offer other than sympathy. I did not have sex until college and encourage my kids to wait until then also. I don’t think teens are mature enough to handle it yet in HS and there’s enough that they have to worry about already (grades, college apps, sports, friends, growing up, relationships) without adding the complexity of sex.

[Anonymous]

OP, I grew up in a conservative Christian household.

I found a condom packet with a brand new one in there on the floor of the basement, where DS and his GF were hanging out. This was when they were 17. We were at home, so I know they wouldn't be dumb enough to do anything while we were there because DH or I sometimes will go down to the basement to get something. But, clearly, they were sexually active.

I wasn't sure how to react. I knew that they were fooling around, but I hadn't realized how far it had gotten. I put it in a ziploc bag, and put it on his desk while he was sat there, and told him to be more circumspect. That told him that I knew, and I also told DH. He was more accepting of it than I was.

They are both high achieving kids in a magnet program. I told him that if he got her pregnant, both their lives would be altered beyond what they could imagine. Forget about college. They'd have to dropout, get a job to support the baby.

They are now in different colleges and visit each other a lot. They are probably having sex.

All this to say, not much you can do at this point other than making damn sure that they are using protection and that they understand that no birth control is 100% fool proof, and what life would be like should she get pregnant. Even if I told DS that I was against what he was doing, that wouldn't stop him. They are, at least, very much in love, so I understand what "morals" you are coming from with your situation.

But, I've had to learn that our kids are not an extension of us. They are their own person, and they have their own moral compass. You may think that you failed at your job of not providing that moral compass that reflects your values, but at this age, independent minded teens will develop their own moral compass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get your concern also and don’t have anything to offer other than sympathy. I did not have sex until college and encourage my kids to wait until then also. I don’t think teens are mature enough to handle it yet in HS and there’s enough that they have to worry about already (grades, college apps, sports, friends, growing up, relationships) without adding the complexity of sex.

I agree, but college apps are now pretty much over. There are exams to prepare for, but you can be sure that after April/mid May, HS seniors will be checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get your concern also and don’t have anything to offer other than sympathy. I did not have sex until college and encourage my kids to wait until then also. I don’t think teens are mature enough to handle it yet in HS and there’s enough that they have to worry about already (grades, college apps, sports, friends, growing up, relationships) without adding the complexity of sex.

This is well said and my view exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the biggest parenting misconceptions is that parents can control the choices their kids make. You can't. All you can do is hope you have educated them enough that they make better choices.

Your kids will have sex at some point. You make sure they know how to reduce risks for STDs and pregnancy. You talk about the impact of sex on emotions (harder to break up with someone you've been having sex with, etc.) You talk about the impact of aking sure there are no differing expectations when you have sex with someone. And more.

You then trust your kids to make informed decisions.

This is a great post.

[Anonymous]

Just found out DS (17y senior) is having sex with his girlfriend of 18m. I was (kind of) shocked and yet not at all. I know he is using condoms (how I found out) and made sure to praise him for using them but also talked about how they aren't fool proof and might want to think about secondary precautions. I didn't ask if the GF is on BC because that isn't my business (but it is his business to discuss with her.)

But I do admit, I do have this constant worry in the back of my head now about her getting pregnant. I don't know her thoughts on the abortion, but they are both planning on going to college/join the military so it would totally derail any plans....and bond them for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People really need to get over the ridiculous misogynistic vestiges of Puritanism.

There is nothing wrong with consensual, safe sex in this kind of relationship if the level of commitment works for both people.

Exactly!

OP the fact that you are offended and disgusted speaks volumes. Why can’t the boy come over?

Sounds very mature. Most 17yr olds are having sex. I mean there are two middle school girls in my DC’s school.

Teens have sex and a lot of it. College they have even more

Actually studies show that teens are having less sex than in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People really need to get over the ridiculous misogynistic vestiges of Puritanism.

There is nothing wrong with consensual, safe sex in this kind of relationship if the level of commitment works for both people.

k

Not even adults. Kids having sex. Gross

You may think of a 17 year old as a kid, but they have fully formed bodies, pubic hair, and are capable of conceiving and bearing children. Reproductively they are adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it true that “most” 17 year olds are having sex? So interesting - I had a few boyfriends in HS but just really wasn’t ready until college (freshman year). No judgment - I would be fine with my kids being sexually active at 17 but I guess I didn’t realize that the *majority* of HS junior and seniors are sexually active.

I'm a gen x'r and I think kids are different these days, but I had plenty of sex in high school. And I don't think any of my high school friends weren't having sex. We all were. A lot.

My 2 best friends and I all graduated virgins. We were popular, etc. but all waited until college.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I grew up in a conservative Christian household.

I found a condom packet with a brand new one in there on the floor of the basement, where DS and his GF were hanging out. This was when they were 17. We were at home, so I know they wouldn't be dumb enough to do anything while we were there because DH or I sometimes will go down to the basement to get something. But, clearly, they were sexually active.

I wasn't sure how to react. I knew that they were fooling around, but I hadn't realized how far it had gotten. I put it in a ziploc bag, and put it on his desk while he was sat there, and told him to be more circumspect. That told him that I knew, and I also told DH. He was more accepting of it than I was.

They are both high achieving kids in a magnet program. I told him that if he got her pregnant, both their lives would be altered beyond what they could imagine. Forget about college. They'd have to dropout, get a job to support the baby.

They are now in different colleges and visit each other a lot. They are probably having sex.

All this to say, not much you can do at this point other than making damn sure that they are using protection and that they understand that no birth control is 100% fool proof, and what life would be like should she get pregnant. Even if I told DS that I was against what he was doing, that wouldn't stop him. They are, at least, very much in love, so I understand what "morals" you are coming from with your situation.

But, I've had to learn that our kids are not an extension of us. They are their own person, and they have their own moral compass. You may think that you failed at your job of not providing that moral compass that reflects your values, but at this age, independent minded teens will develop their own moral compass.

Why would you lie in this way? I mean I have no problem talking to them about the risk of pregnancy and the consequences and I would have no problem with you giving your views on what they should do if it happens, but they have the option to terminate the pregnancy or seek an adoption whether you like it or not.

It’s not like I want my teen to go out and get pregnant and have an abortion, I just don’t understand why you would say what you said.