How do deal with 17YO DD having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Found out that DD is having sex with a boy but they are not in a relationship since neither wants to get serious due to going away to college next year. I’m having a really hard time letting her hang out with this kid because I know they have having sex. I know they are being careful but it goes against my morals and I’m honestly just disgusted by the thought of this. How can I get over it and am I to simply allow them to hang out (Obviously not in my house)! Any advise for me?

I'm not sure what your daughter's sexuality has to do with your morals but ymmv.

She's being careful. She is not getting serious before leaving for college. Sounds like she is able to advocate for herself.
I

Really? Are you dumb or being deliberately obtuse. Serious question.

Not to mention that it’s just speech. It’s overwhelmingly likely to be a boy since gays are only like 2% of the population.

Wrong usage/understanding of sexuality that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gave her the fear speech and told her if she got knocked up she would forever be tied to this boy and his family, as would we. And that she shouldn’t be cavalier about having an abortion, although that remains a choice (at least for now, legally speaking).

Talk to her about getting an IUD

[Anonymous]

The truth of the matter is, your morals don’t matter. Your daughter is very nearly an adult. She has her own morals and will make decisions based on them just like your adult siblings, friends and co-workers. Parents don’t get to control their teens sexual and relationship choices. Maybe you could try while she’s still under your roof, but I think you are better off beginning to shift your thinking into the supporter/cheerleader/advisor role that parents of healthy young adults play. It’s ok to recognize you wish she’d make a different choice, tell her your perspective and concerns. Then let it go. . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The truth of the matter is, your morals don’t matter. Your daughter is very nearly an adult. She has her own morals and will make decisions based on them just like your adult siblings, friends and co-workers. Parents don’t get to control their teens sexual and relationship choices. Maybe you could try while she’s still under your roof, but I think you are better off beginning to shift your thinking into the supporter/cheerleader/advisor role that parents of healthy young adults play. It’s ok to recognize you wish she’d make a different choice, tell her your perspective and concerns. Then let it go. . .

Totally disagree with saying you wish you made a different choice. That's a terrible thing to say to a 17yr old that confides in their mom

[Anonymous]

OP - I feel for you. I try to be open minded, but I'm not. I'm a prude. I've only had sex with DH and that wasn't until I was 20. I don't think you should wait until marriage but I just don't understand why you would have casual sex, although I fully realize I'm an outlier.

That's all to say I get why you're uncomfortable and I also get the underlying concern of whether it's truly a mutual decision for your DD not to be serious.

No advice, just that I get it and I'd feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave her the fear speech and told her if she got knocked up she would forever be tied to this boy and his family, as would we. And that she shouldn’t be cavalier about having an abortion, although that remains a choice (at least for now, legally speaking).

Knocked up? You sound like this it's the 1950’s. Most teens don’t keep a pregnancy.

I realize that but the decision to abort will leave psychological scars, no matter how blasse they might be about it in the hypothetical.

[Anonymous]

Is it true that “most” 17 year olds are having sex? So interesting - I had a few boyfriends in HS but just really wasn’t ready until college (freshman year). No judgment - I would be fine with my kids being sexually active at 17 but I guess I didn’t realize that the *majority* of HS junior and seniors are sexually active.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 15yr old is having sex. She's on the pill. I tell her she needs to still use condoms and have her BF pull out.

I am glad she told me she was thinking about so I could put her on the pill. They have been together 9 months and she has been on the pill for 4 months now.

No one wants to think their own kids will start doing this and you can preach abstinence, waiting, not going all the way, STD's, pregnancy, etc... but the fact is teens have sex. Lots of sex. And I rather know my kids have protection and can come talk to me than have my head up my a$$ and think they are perfect angels.

Your parents had sex as teens, so did we, and so will our kids and grandkids. Some earlier than others. No shaming - just education and hoping everything will be ok.

Pill + condoms + pull out? You are going to lose credibility there. Pill yes. Condoms yes. Teenage boy pull out when he knows they are protected? Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it true that “most” 17 year olds are having sex? So interesting - I had a few boyfriends in HS but just really wasn’t ready until college (freshman year). No judgment - I would be fine with my kids being sexually active at 17 but I guess I didn’t realize that the *majority* of HS junior and seniors are sexually active.

I'm a gen x'r and I think kids are different these days, but I had plenty of sex in high school. And I don't think any of my high school friends weren't having sex. We all were. A lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I feel for you. I try to be open minded, but I'm not. I'm a prude. I've only had sex with DH and that wasn't until I was 20. I don't think you should wait until marriage but I just don't understand why you would have casual sex, although I fully realize I'm an outlier.

That's all to say I get why you're uncomfortable and I also get the underlying concern of whether it's truly a mutual decision for your DD not to be serious.

No advice, just that I get it and I'd feel the same.

Oh come on. You don't understand why? Your DH must be terrible at it, and you have nothing to compare it to. Depressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The truth of the matter is, your morals don’t matter. Your daughter is very nearly an adult. She has her own morals and will make decisions based on them just like your adult siblings, friends and co-workers. Parents don’t get to control their teens sexual and relationship choices. Maybe you could try while she’s still under your roof, but I think you are better off beginning to shift your thinking into the supporter/cheerleader/advisor role that parents of healthy young adults play. It’s ok to recognize you wish she’d make a different choice, tell her your perspective and concerns. Then let it go. . .

Totally disagree with saying you wish you made a different choice. That's a terrible thing to say to a 17yr old that confides in their mom

I’m the PP you’re responding to and so agree, I meant mom can recognize she’s disappointed but she doesn’t need to share that with DD. I do think she can have a conversation with her about sex, relationships, BC, STDs if she leaves her own morality out of it. Basically, talk to her like you’d talk to another adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First thing on Monday morning make an appointment for her to get an IUD. It sounds like you raised a mature, responsible DD. Sex is normal at age 17, OP.

Not your decision and no OBGYN will forcibly implant an IUD in a 17 year old without her consent. She can call and make the appointment herself, if she so desires.

Forcibly implant an IUD? WHAT? Why would you think this was something forced on her? Helping her navigate this is being a great mom, not doing something without her consent. The assumption is that the daughter would not want to be pregnant and getting an IUD is the best way to avoid this. Some people on DCUM are so combative. You must be a lot of fun to be around in real life, PP.

Helping her navigate this is very different than saying, “First thing Monday morning make an appointment for her to get an IUD.” The mother could encourage the daughter to discuss birth control options with her doctor, but the mother demanding the doctor implant an IUD in her 17 year old daughter is out of line. I’m in my 40s and wouldn’t choose an IUD—no way should a mother force that on a 17 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it true that “most” 17 year olds are having sex? So interesting - I had a few boyfriends in HS but just really wasn’t ready until college (freshman year). No judgment - I would be fine with my kids being sexually active at 17 but I guess I didn’t realize that the *majority* of HS junior and seniors are sexually active.

They aren’t. The most recent CDC study shows only 30% of teens 13-17 had sex: https://nccd.cdc.gov/Youthonline/App/Results.aspx?TT=A&OUT=0&SID=HS&QID=QQ&LID=XX&YID=2021&LID2=&YID2=&COL=S&ROW1=N&ROW2=N&HT=QQ&LCT=LL&FS=S1&FR=R1&FG=G1&FA=A1&FI=I1&FP=P1&FSL=S1&FRL=R1&FGL=G1&FAL=A1&FIL=I1&FPL=P1&PV=&TST=False&C1=&C2=&QP=G&DP=1&VA=CI&CS=Y&SYID=&EYID=&SC=DEFAULT&SO=ASC

As a parent I’m much more concerned about the use of contraception than the intercourse stats here.

(FWIW, I didn’t have sex until I was 20)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First thing on Monday morning make an appointment for her to get an IUD. It sounds like you raised a mature, responsible DD. Sex is normal at age 17, OP.

Not your decision and no OBGYN will forcibly implant an IUD in a 17 year old without her consent. She can call and make the appointment herself, if she so desires.

Forcibly implant an IUD? WHAT? Why would you think this was something forced on her? Helping her navigate this is being a great mom, not doing something without her consent. The assumption is that the daughter would not want to be pregnant and getting an IUD is the best way to avoid this. Some people on DCUM are so combative. You must be a lot of fun to be around in real life, PP.

Helping her navigate this is very different than saying, “First thing Monday morning make an appointment for her to get an IUD.” The mother could encourage the daughter to discuss birth control options with her doctor, but the mother demanding the doctor implant an IUD in her 17 year old daughter is out of line. I’m in my 40s and wouldn’t choose an IUD—no way should a mother force that on a 17 year old.

No doctor would implant an IUD against the will of the patient, at any age. Stop discussing this. It legally cannot happen.

My teen wanted birth control and couldn’t remember to take the pill on time so we went back to the gyno where she talked through other options. She decided on an IUD and we made the appointment to have it implanted. They asked her several times if this was her decision, separately and with me in the room.

It is illegal to forcibly sterilize or implant birth control. I don’t believe the PP was suggesting this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I gave her the fear speech and told her if she got knocked up she would forever be tied to this boy and his family, as would we. And that she shouldn’t be cavalier about having an abortion, although that remains a choice (at least for now, legally speaking).

Knocked up? You sound like this it's the 1950’s. Most teens don’t keep a pregnancy.

NP. I also do not think one should be cavalier about abortion or giving birth then giving up the child for adoption.

Honestly I think the fear speech + making sure there’s access to contraceptives—simply because she’s leaving for college in a few months and will be away from your supervision soon anyway.

If she was younger I’d be giving you a different answer. But it’s going to be out of your hands in a few months so I don’t think it’s worth a big conflict to try and stop it at this point.

Parents are never going to stop a teen from having sex if they want to. And you definitely aren't going to get them to stop if they are already started and are still with the same person.

Agree to disagree, I see this said a lot and you can most definitely stop a kid from having sex. No hanging out with friends outside of the house, no driving/car, and having a SAH parent.

Obviously I would not start off this way. However if there were concerns/issues/proved to me they’re not to be trusted I would absolutely bring down the hammer and do this.

I wouldn’t do it for a kid who started having sex a couple months before they went off to college and who’s otherwise not had any other issues, though.

And for those of you who think sex amongst teens is so incredibly common and “just going to happen” obviously you’re not aware that over the past ten years the number of sexually active highschoolers had continuously trended down.

As of 2021 only like 30% of highschoolers have had sex. And only 21% were currently sexually active.

Hardly “all teens”.