DH was a huge jerk to me today and I don't know what to do next

[Anonymous]

I hope you made up between the sheets, OP. Perhaps that is what’s missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. We just talked and are in a much better place. My moving his stuff was a huge trigger for him. I wasn't intending to hit him where it hurts in moving it, I intended to get my own priorities addressed in exchange for him doing the same, but it obviously hit a different nerve. I get it. He apologized, we both acknowledged bad behavior. Getting ready to call it an early work day as originally planned and here's hoping to a nice evening. Thank you DCUM for talking me off the ledge and helping me navigate this all in a better way.

OP, I thought the book Us was really interesting for me to consider some of my marital communication issues. The fact you call your tantrum “ get[ting] my own priorities addressed in exchange for him doing the same” is a problem worth considering more deeply.

[Anonymous]

You are about as much to blame for what happened on Friday as he is. Sure he started it but you escalated the situation, which was completely unnecessary. That is absolutely no excuse for him calling you names, but I think if it were me I would start by owning and apologizing for my role in what happened. He told you he wanted it moved and you said you like it where it is, like that's the end of the conversation. Also, if you read what you wrote, you said that after your work call you went to go call him out on what he had done. So yeah, you need to own what you did.

A few weeks ago my husband made two sort of snippy comments - nothing big, but like with your husband, totally out of character for him. The first one I let go and after the second one I stopped what I was doing and I asked him if something was wrong or if he was angry with me about something. I did explain how I felt about his reaction to me, but because it was so unexpected, I put my feelings aside first and tried to help him figure out what's going on (it was a work thing).

I feel like in your case you really made sure your husband knew exactly how bad he had made you feel about calling you lazy, and I'm not saying that he should have called you that or that you should have bottled up your own feelings about it, but after the second incident, perhaps it was time to take a back seat and try to figure out what's going on with him instead of placing your own feelings at the forefront (note: your feelings are still valid and can be discussed, but perhaps what's going on with him takes priority right now). You sound like you have to "win" all the time with him, and I'm wondering if that's how he feels and he's sick of it.

I'll also note that after an argument you said he needs space and you chase him down. I get that, I also want to get things resolved ASAP, but you're being really selfish if you don't realize that that's not helping him at all. It's doing things your way. And it sounds like maybe he's a bit tired of that dynamic after 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d watch for a pattern but if it’s really out of character and he is a good husband and father, I’d find some grace and be patient with him. Assume it’s temporary and stop exacerbating the situation. If it becomes a pattern, then seek help from a counselor and schedule a doctor appointment for him - could be low testosterone levels or something else. My husband is a dick a lot (ADHD) so I experience that type of behavior weekly and it’s exhausting. I’m sorry it’s been a hard week.

Thank you, I appreciate this advice and other responses. I'm sitting here at my desk not getting any work done and just stewing, and trying to stop myself from going back over to him and reopening everything. The thought of going in and assuming we're on for dinner together and acting like he didn't curse me out is also totally unappealing, but I will try to swallow my pride and open up the outing as a chance to talk. Testosterone levels would have never occurred to me, but good to know.

Oh boy, you are looking at this all wrong.

You don't have to act like he did nothing, but you also don't need to go in guns ablazing and list all the things he did without acknowledging what you did.

I would leave the Testosterone issue out of it for now, because it sounds like you are so convinced that you are right and he is wrong here, and that's not actually the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone read???

On page 3, OP posted that they had a long talk and were going out for dinner.

And people are here on this page posting about brain tumors? Damn. Get a life.

Did you read? That is how my spouse acted in his affair. Wildly out of character——and then make up, go out to nice dinner/sex, etc…then a few weeks later same sh@t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating. Mine had these inappropriate unexpected outbursts over mundane things.

I remember it being very Jekyll and Hyde. It’s disorienting for you.

Cheating would have been the last thing I would have ever believed if someone wrote the same to me.

He’s definitely cheating. Men, most men aren’t that complex and as much as we try to find some deeper reason for their aberrant behavior it’s this.

They are cheating and at that moment in time when the jerk factor escalates it’s because they are caught in the fantasy, then they take a look around the room remember where they vs where they want to be (with the ready and eager hottie) and then they lash out.

He obviously can’t tell you he’s pissed because he’s stuck at home with you, the no fun shrew, and the gf is mad at him because he had to cancel again because you are making him stay home and be an adult, and now his mind is racing 90 miles an hour, video on repeat in his head, of the gf and a younger hotter carefree Himbo doing what young hot unencumbered young hotties do!

Yeah he’s definitely cheating. Time to break out the lingerie, tone down the WFH emasculating boss babe, better yet go back to the office, become the mystery you used to be and get your man back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are about as much to blame for what happened on Friday as he is. Sure he started it but you escalated the situation, which was completely unnecessary. That is absolutely no excuse for him calling you names, but I think if it were me I would start by owning and apologizing for my role in what happened. He told you he wanted it moved and you said you like it where it is, like that's the end of the conversation. Also, if you read what you wrote, you said that after your work call you went to go call him out on what he had done. So yeah, you need to own what you did.

A few weeks ago my husband made two sort of snippy comments - nothing big, but like with your husband, totally out of character for him. The first one I let go and after the second one I stopped what I was doing and I asked him if something was wrong or if he was angry with me about something. I did explain how I felt about his reaction to me, but because it was so unexpected, I put my feelings aside first and tried to help him figure out what's going on (it was a work thing).

I feel like in your case you really made sure your husband knew exactly how bad he had made you feel about calling you lazy, and I'm not saying that he should have called you that or that you should have bottled up your own feelings about it, but after the second incident, perhaps it was time to take a back seat and try to figure out what's going on with him instead of placing your own feelings at the forefront (note: your feelings are still valid and can be discussed, but perhaps what's going on with him takes priority right now). You sound like you have to "win" all the time with him, and I'm wondering if that's how he feels and he's sick of it.

I'll also note that after an argument you said he needs space and you chase him down. I get that, I also want to get things resolved ASAP, but you're being really selfish if you don't realize that that's not helping him at all. It's doing things your way. And it sounds like maybe he's a bit tired of that dynamic after 10 years.

In the first post, right at the top, OP says he is good at prioritizing her needs. I don’t get from any of her posts that she is able to prioritize his needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheating. Mine had these inappropriate unexpected outbursts over mundane things.

I remember it being very Jekyll and Hyde. It’s disorienting for you.

Cheating would have been the last thing I would have ever believed if someone wrote the same to me.

He’s definitely cheating. Men, most men aren’t that complex and as much as we try to find some deeper reason for their aberrant behavior it’s this.

They are cheating and at that moment in time when the jerk factor escalates it’s because they are caught in the fantasy, then they take a look around the room remember where they vs where they want to be (with the ready and eager hottie) and then they lash out.

He obviously can’t tell you he’s pissed because he’s stuck at home with you, the no fun shrew, and the gf is mad at him because he had to cancel again because you are making him stay home and be an adult, and now his mind is racing 90 miles an hour, video on repeat in his head, of the gf and a younger hotter carefree Himbo doing what young hot unencumbered young hotties do!

Yeah he’s definitely cheating. Time to break out the lingerie, tone down the WFH emasculating boss babe, better yet go back to the office, become the mystery you used to be and get your man back.

If her husband is actually cheating going to the office is just going to give him more time to sext with the AP. By the time a man is cheating “breaking out the lingerie” isn’t going to fix the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheating. Mine had these inappropriate unexpected outbursts over mundane things.

I remember it being very Jekyll and Hyde. It’s disorienting for you.

Cheating would have been the last thing I would have ever believed if someone wrote the same to me.

He’s definitely cheating. Men, most men aren’t that complex and as much as we try to find some deeper reason for their aberrant behavior it’s this.

They are cheating and at that moment in time when the jerk factor escalates it’s because they are caught in the fantasy, then they take a look around the room remember where they vs where they want to be (with the ready and eager hottie) and then they lash out.

He obviously can’t tell you he’s pissed because he’s stuck at home with you, the no fun shrew, and the gf is mad at him because he had to cancel again because you are making him stay home and be an adult, and now his mind is racing 90 miles an hour, video on repeat in his head, of the gf and a younger hotter carefree Himbo doing what young hot unencumbered young hotties do!

Yeah he’s definitely cheating. Time to break out the lingerie, tone down the WFH emasculating boss babe, better yet go back to the office, become the mystery you used to be and get your man back.

If her husband is actually cheating going to the office is just going to give him more time to sext with the AP. By the time a man is cheating “breaking out the lingerie” isn’t going to fix the problem.

And ooohhhh boy…you’d be surprised at what they cheat with. Most aren’t younger and hotter in the real world. That’s tv. Who else is going to bang a middle aged mediocre married dude? A middle aged married woman or a desperate less attractive uggo.

[Anonymous]

The stress of the lies and inherent guilt make a cheater snap at home. They have to get highly critical of you to justify in their minds it’s okay to be doing what they are doing. They also want to have an escape from the mundane kid/work, chores of adulting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The stress of the lies and inherent guilt make a cheater snap at home. They have to get highly critical of you to justify in their minds it’s okay to be doing what they are doing. They also want to have an escape from the mundane kid/work, chores of adulting.

Sometimes they are actually fighting with the Other person—-getting pressure for not being available …and then the stress of being outed, getting caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you both had stressful weeks. How fortunate it's Friday and you have a date night. Go clear the air, have a good time, and move on.

+1. Go out tonight and have some fun. Have some wine. Try to laugh about it- you both behaved embarrassingly, like petty kids. And then move on.

+2. He sounds stressed. Make sure you’re reconnecting as a couple without kids and that you both have time individually to decompress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheating. Mine had these inappropriate unexpected outbursts over mundane things.

I remember it being very Jekyll and Hyde. It’s disorienting for you.

Cheating would have been the last thing I would have ever believed if someone wrote the same to me.

He’s definitely cheating. Men, most men aren’t that complex and as much as we try to find some deeper reason for their aberrant behavior it’s this.

They are cheating and at that moment in time when the jerk factor escalates it’s because they are caught in the fantasy, then they take a look around the room remember where they vs where they want to be (with the ready and eager hottie) and then they lash out.

He obviously can’t tell you he’s pissed because he’s stuck at home with you, the no fun shrew, and the gf is mad at him because he had to cancel again because you are making him stay home and be an adult, and now his mind is racing 90 miles an hour, video on repeat in his head, of the gf and a younger hotter carefree Himbo doing what young hot unencumbered young hotties do!

Yeah he’s definitely cheating. Time to break out the lingerie, tone down the WFH emasculating boss babe, better yet go back to the office, become the mystery you used to be and get your man back.

If her husband is actually cheating going to the office is just going to give him more time to sext with the AP. By the time a man is cheating “breaking out the lingerie” isn’t going to fix the problem.

And ooohhhh boy…you’d be surprised at what they cheat with. Most aren’t younger and hotter in the real world. That’s tv. Who else is going to bang a middle aged mediocre married dude? A middle aged married woman or a desperate less attractive uggo.

+1 the AP is usually objectively worse than the wife. Not as hot, not as successful, a lot more desperate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you both had stressful weeks. How fortunate it's Friday and you have a date night. Go clear the air, have a good time, and move on.

+1. Go out tonight and have some fun. Have some wine. Try to laugh about it- you both behaved embarrassingly, like petty kids. And then move on.

+1

And next time this happens don’t escalate!!! CRY!!! Be sad about what’s happening to us. Be devastated. Ask him to hold you. (This is how you get free stuff.)

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, op, why were you so mean about helping your husband find the paper? You’d had a hard day, but so had he and for whatever reason he couldn’t find the printer paper.. is that what it was? You were intentionally vague on what type of paper and you know that. You wrote the post to make your husband sound lazy and incompetent, not cool, op. We’ve all had times where we simply can’t find what we should be able to find, no need to be nasty about it, yet a household matter turned into an hours long discussion about… *you. Think of all the fun things you two could have been doing if you’d just gotten the paper, given it to your husband, given him a nice kiss because you love him and that would have been the end of it, or not, maybe he’d have been really sweet or sexy with you later, which can at times be way better then a deep dive intl *your* feelings.

Then you get into a fight about furniture where again, your feeling are the only ones that matter. Why? Work call or no, you were never going to ever move the couch or whatever it was and we all know it.

Then you find time to clean up a table or whatever during work time no less. The table wasn’t bothering anybody, it’d been there for months, it could have stayed that way a little longer, but no, it had to be done right then, even after whatever happened with the printer paper earlier in the week. You know all of this and you just wouldn’t quit.
As for husband, you had all of us with his weird thing with your bathroom stuff. Strange and objectively more weird then what you did, but girls are smarter then boys and can act in ways that look normal and are way more subtle and way worse then anything a boy can do. I can well appreciate being that frustrated and stressed that he acts weird.

Finally, you seem to just not care about the personel issue he’s dealing with at work. Your “I can’t help him” is just cold. Why can’t you and he create the environment in your home where you both can speak freely? It helps with the marriage and it helps with parenting, we all need people and places where we can speak, don’t have to watch our language and feel heard and loved even if the person you are talking to can’t just make the problem go away. This matters for kids and adults, though your kids may be too young for you to know this yet. My older 2 are at a point where they really need to feel relaxed and comfortable in order for them to say what they need to say, and it goes way beyond “but I told them they can always come to me”. Learn to do this with your husband first, and the thing you do right now is care about him and love him. Personel issues are some of the hardest to deal with and you just.. don’t care. What is wrong with you, op?