DH was a huge jerk to me today and I don't know what to do next

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d watch for a pattern but if it’s really out of character and he is a good husband and father, I’d find some grace and be patient with him. Assume it’s temporary and stop exacerbating the situation. If it becomes a pattern, then seek help from a counselor and schedule a doctor appointment for him - could be low testosterone levels or something else. My husband is a dick a lot (ADHD) so I experience that type of behavior weekly and it’s exhausting. I’m sorry it’s been a hard week.

Thank you, I appreciate this advice and other responses. I'm sitting here at my desk not getting any work done and just stewing, and trying to stop myself from going back over to him and reopening everything. The thought of going in and assuming we're on for dinner together and acting like he didn't curse me out is also totally unappealing, but I will try to swallow my pride and open up the outing as a chance to talk. Testosterone levels would have never occurred to me, but good to know.

DP. Give yourself another 10-15 minutes of stewing. Maybe write down everything you want to say to him. Then when the time is up, refocus on something else--work or whatever. You know no good can come of reopening things right now. But this too shall pass, so try to keep things in perspective.

In this instance, I'd probably go up to him and say "Hey, I'm not happy about what happened earlier. I don't think either one of us handled it very well. I can tell you're really stressed out about work and when you're ready, I'd like to talk about all of this more so that we can understand what we need to do differently. But I was really looking forward to tonight, and I'd still like to go if you're up for it. Maybe we could both use time to reconnect. But if you're not up for it, we can find another time." Don't get hung up on the fact that you have to make the first move. Someone has to do it and for all you know, he might be feeling so terrible, he doesn't even know how to approach you.

OP here and I'm going to do this when I hear he's off his work call. Thank you.

As for the other PP accusing me of the "yadda yadda"ing, I know. I knew I'd get called out for that as I was writing. It was a lot of me asking why he would prioritize moving something that's bothering him but not prioritize moving the stuff that's bothering me, it was me telling him he already has the better home office set up so don't mess with stuff in mine (our apartment is small, we have extremely limited options for where we can do work). I think that was the point at which things spiraled and I moved his items off the mantel and onto the bookshelf, and he went to the bathroom and cleared out my stuff in response. Yadda yadda yadda.

But I'll go back there and suggest we keep our plans together this evening and we'll go from there.

[Anonymous]

I took it as the sitter is bringing them home from daycare or whatever at 5 and OP and DH then go have date night.

I think the fact that this is wildly out of character for him should not be underestimated. I have been married to a bipolar spouse for 15 years. He is medicated and goes to therapy but the type of behavior described sounds like him before he was treated properly. I am NOT saying her DH is bipolar, that is very unlikely actually as it generally shows up earlier in life. It does suggest to me that there could be something else going on, possibly a medical or mental health issue. Keep an eye on it OP, especially if it gets worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The harpies in this sub forum will undoubtedly urge you to escalate.

They hate successful marriages.

Hate long fake troll Ops

[Anonymous]

Wait. Was this a wagon wheel table?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d watch for a pattern but if it’s really out of character and he is a good husband and father, I’d find some grace and be patient with him. Assume it’s temporary and stop exacerbating the situation. If it becomes a pattern, then seek help from a counselor and schedule a doctor appointment for him - could be low testosterone levels or something else. My husband is a dick a lot (ADHD) so I experience that type of behavior weekly and it’s exhausting. I’m sorry it’s been a hard week.

Thank you, I appreciate this advice and other responses. I'm sitting here at my desk not getting any work done and just stewing, and trying to stop myself from going back over to him and reopening everything. The thought of going in and assuming we're on for dinner together and acting like he didn't curse me out is also totally unappealing, but I will try to swallow my pride and open up the outing as a chance to talk. Testosterone levels would have never occurred to me, but good to know.

DP. Give yourself another 10-15 minutes of stewing. Maybe write down everything you want to say to him. Then when the time is up, refocus on something else--work or whatever. You know no good can come of reopening things right now. But this too shall pass, so try to keep things in perspective.

In this instance, I'd probably go up to him and say "Hey, I'm not happy about what happened earlier. I don't think either one of us handled it very well. I can tell you're really stressed out about work and when you're ready, I'd like to talk about all of this more so that we can understand what we need to do differently. But I was really looking forward to tonight, and I'd still like to go if you're up for it. Maybe we could both use time to reconnect. But if you're not up for it, we can find another time." Don't get hung up on the fact that you have to make the first move. Someone has to do it and for all you know, he might be feeling so terrible, he doesn't even know how to approach you.

OP here and I'm going to do this when I hear he's off his work call. Thank you.

As for the other PP accusing me of the "yadda yadda"ing, I know. I knew I'd get called out for that as I was writing. It was a lot of me asking why he would prioritize moving something that's bothering him but not prioritize moving the stuff that's bothering me, it was me telling him he already has the better home office set up so don't mess with stuff in mine (our apartment is small, we have extremely limited options for where we can do work). I think that was the point at which things spiraled and I moved his items off the mantel and onto the bookshelf, and he went to the bathroom and cleared out my stuff in response. Yadda yadda yadda.

But I'll go back there and suggest we keep our plans together this evening and we'll go from there.

PP. You've got a plan now, so see how it goes. As for the argument about moving stuff--and I say this gently--your response was a bit defensive and you made it about you. There's a time and a place for both of your needs to be heard, and sometimes you have to take turns. Even though it's frustrating to be in these situations, a better approach might have been, "I see this table is really bothering you. Let's figure out where it needs to go once I'm done with work. And maybe then we can also talk about where this other stuff needs to go."

You guys are stuck in a tit-for-tat death spiral and one of you need to pull you out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d watch for a pattern but if it’s really out of character and he is a good husband and father, I’d find some grace and be patient with him. Assume it’s temporary and stop exacerbating the situation. If it becomes a pattern, then seek help from a counselor and schedule a doctor appointment for him - could be low testosterone levels or something else. My husband is a dick a lot (ADHD) so I experience that type of behavior weekly and it’s exhausting. I’m sorry it’s been a hard week.

Thank you, I appreciate this advice and other responses. I'm sitting here at my desk not getting any work done and just stewing, and trying to stop myself from going back over to him and reopening everything. The thought of going in and assuming we're on for dinner together and acting like he didn't curse me out is also totally unappealing, but I will try to swallow my pride and open up the outing as a chance to talk. Testosterone levels would have never occurred to me, but good to know.

DP. Give yourself another 10-15 minutes of stewing. Maybe write down everything you want to say to him. Then when the time is up, refocus on something else--work or whatever. You know no good can come of reopening things right now. But this too shall pass, so try to keep things in perspective.

In this instance, I'd probably go up to him and say "Hey, I'm not happy about what happened earlier. I don't think either one of us handled it very well. I can tell you're really stressed out about work and when you're ready, I'd like to talk about all of this more so that we can understand what we need to do differently. But I was really looking forward to tonight, and I'd still like to go if you're up for it. Maybe we could both use time to reconnect. But if you're not up for it, we can find another time." Don't get hung up on the fact that you have to make the first move. Someone has to do it and for all you know, he might be feeling so terrible, he doesn't even know how to approach you.

OP here and I'm going to do this when I hear he's off his work call. Thank you.

As for the other PP accusing me of the "yadda yadda"ing, I know. I knew I'd get called out for that as I was writing. It was a lot of me asking why he would prioritize moving something that's bothering him but not prioritize moving the stuff that's bothering me, it was me telling him he already has the better home office set up so don't mess with stuff in mine (our apartment is small, we have extremely limited options for where we can do work). I think that was the point at which things spiraled and I moved his items off the mantel and onto the bookshelf, and he went to the bathroom and cleared out my stuff in response. Yadda yadda yadda.

But I'll go back there and suggest we keep our plans together this evening and we'll go from there.

His response really was wildly disproportionate. Not ok to yell at you and call you an ahole because you didn't want to move furniture when you were about to hop on a Zoom call and hadn't agreed to move it. You moving his things out of the way to another area is not the same as him taking your toiletries from the bathroom and throwing them on the floor. He needs to apologize.

I do think you too might need better boundaries to WFH. This isn't the main issue here, but it can't be healthy or productive for you guys to be asking each other to do things in the middle of your workday, arguing about it, and then stewing. It wasn't right of him to bother you during your call and it's not right for you to pounce on him to talk the second he gets off his current call. It seems that a lot of his stress is triggered from work and he doesn't have any sense of separation between work and home. You should not bother each other. Maybe have a set lunch date together every day and otherwise ignore each other. Perhaps one of you takes a walk or runs an errand at 5 to clear your head and mark the end of the work day. He probably needs time to decompress from whatever is stressing him out (I am not saying how he treated you is ok but you say he's not a bad guy overall).

[Anonymous]

You sound just as immature as him. Why couldn’t you get him the paper that he wanted after he had a hard time dealing with the kids? Were you really busy or just wanted to be lazy like he said?

[Anonymous]

Cheating. Mine had these inappropriate unexpected outbursts over mundane things.

I remember it being very Jekyll and Hyde. It’s disorienting for you.

Cheating would have been the last thing I would have ever believed if someone wrote the same to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound just as immature as him. Why couldn’t you get him the paper that he wanted after he had a hard time dealing with the kids? Were you really busy or just wanted to be lazy like he said?

Not really. She said he was taking care of the kids because she had a long day. Being too tired, or even "lazy" to find paper (which he somehow can't find even though he works from home) is not the same thing as having the energy to go deliberately take their partner's toothpaste out of the bathroom and throw it on the couch and throw other items all around the house out of spite. That's way more immature.

[Anonymous]

OP back. We just talked and are in a much better place. My moving his stuff was a huge trigger for him. I wasn't intending to hit him where it hurts in moving it, I intended to get my own priorities addressed in exchange for him doing the same, but it obviously hit a different nerve. I get it. He apologized, we both acknowledged bad behavior. Getting ready to call it an early work day as originally planned and here's hoping to a nice evening. Thank you DCUM for talking me off the ledge and helping me navigate this all in a better way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, the cursing at you would be something I’d bring up. If my husband ever curses at me, there would be a Come to Jesus talk. We don’t speak to each other that way, and never have.

Agreed. DH here. I have never cursed AT my DW. I have cursed like “F” or “S” as expletives but never directed at her.

And the lazy comment? WTAF.

Something is way the heck up, from brain tumor, to affair, to he’s been stewing about divorce for years and nearing a decision

A personnel issue at work? Let’s tease this out. Let’s imagine a stressful scenario: he’s firing an incompetent employee, and this employee is reacting badly, say making threats to him or his family. How in the world does work escalate to foul language name calling at home??

Now if he has a pattern of calling other people “ah” and the like, and you were just never the receiver of his ill will, maybe he has just let down his final behavior to show you the real him. But your Op seems to say he is the antithesis of that so something is WAY off.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy the nice weather, have a great evening OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back. We just talked and are in a much better place. My moving his stuff was a huge trigger for him. I wasn't intending to hit him where it hurts in moving it, I intended to get my own priorities addressed in exchange for him doing the same, but it obviously hit a different nerve. I get it. He apologized, we both acknowledged bad behavior. Getting ready to call it an early work day as originally planned and here's hoping to a nice evening. Thank you DCUM for talking me off the ledge and helping me navigate this all in a better way.

That's so good, have a drink at dinner (if you do) to relax after all that stress

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Was this a wagon wheel table?

I was being nice!!!

[Anonymous]

I’d suspect an affair.