DH was a huge jerk to me today and I don't know what to do next

[Anonymous]

OP here again, and it's been interesting to read all of the responses that have rolled in since last night's dinner, and with the clearer head now that we've gotten out of the trenches.

For those who say "he's cheating" - I mean, I can understand why that would be one guess, but I just don't think that's it. The work stress is legit, this specific situation he's dealing with is a lot. I definitely wasn't giving him enough understanding with that, and I too had had an unusually grueling work week. On the heels of the argument over finding paper on Tuesday, when he readily acknowledged that it was not about me at all and really him letting off steam at me about something totally different, I should have just credited the same issue on Friday and handled myself better. To everyone who acknowledged his out-sized reaction but called me out on how I could have handled it all better and less "about me" -- thank you. I know I have a problem accepting that someone else's moods aren't always a reaction to me/I can't solve them or convince them to feel differently.

We had a great evening yesterday, talked about everything and agreed to reset, and are on track for a good weekend. I really took to heart the PP who cited a similar fight, accepting a make-up gesture, and then facing a serious trial the next day. It feels so much better to have a partner than an adversary in the house and getting over the hurdle of stubborn anger has always been worth it, in my relationship. I need to remember that.

[Anonymous]

You know what never says hurtful things or gaslights me, throws my toothpaste in the living room, or rearranges my furniture? My ex.

Mine started acting inexplicably mean, picking fights over nothing, like leaving me in Lowes when I wanted to buy a BBQ grill. He was having an affair. Even if yours isn't having an affair, you don't have to live with repeated mean behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When was the last time you had sex?

I was wondering this. DH and I start to get snappy with each other when we haven’t had sex in a little while.

Hopefully you guys did after dinner last night!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I really took to heart the PP who cited a similar fight, accepting a make-up gesture, and then facing a serious trial the next day. It feels so much better to have a partner than an adversary in the house and getting over the hurdle of stubborn anger has always been worth it, in my relationship. I need to remember that.

That was me. I've been thinking about you. Glad you reconnected! We just have to try to do better each day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what never says hurtful things or gaslights me, throws my toothpaste in the living room, or rearranges my furniture? My ex.

Mine started acting inexplicably mean, picking fights over nothing, like leaving me in Lowes when I wanted to buy a BBQ grill. He was having an affair. Even if yours isn't having an affair, you don't have to live with repeated mean behavior.

At least 10 others have had the exact sane experience as posted. Same.

And it catches you off guard. I kept chalking it up to work stress (which was there) and bending myself into a pretzel trying to make things easier for him. Then when you find out what was really happening…it makes you so upset that you were doing all that and this is what they were really doing all that time…

It so disorienting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what never says hurtful things or gaslights me, throws my toothpaste in the living room, or rearranges my furniture? My ex.

Mine started acting inexplicably mean, picking fights over nothing, like leaving me in Lowes when I wanted to buy a BBQ grill. He was having an affair. Even if yours isn't having an affair, you don't have to live with repeated mean behavior.

Mine went apesh@t on me for choosing to buy privacy bushes along our fence line …like really effing crazy out of nowhere. (Cost wasn’t an issue) And then was up my @ss that I wasn’t helping with contractor on patio and then when I did just take it over blowing up psychotically. Absolutely zero of those tantrums had anything to do with actual home life —they were a result of the affair.

[Anonymous]

^ oh and tons of “I’m so sorry” and heart to heart talks, make up sex and dinners…then to have it happen again several weeks later. That is what messes with your head. It’s emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it's affairs but very often it's not. I'm sorry for those of you who were duped, it's really emotionally abusive.

[Anonymous]

Something is wrong with him. Tell him you're concerned. Don't go tit for tat like that again. Apologize for that. Hopefully he's not having an affair....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if he's taking testosterone.

Why do you say this? I'm asking because this may be my husband's problem. Np.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if he's taking testosterone.

Why do you say this? I'm asking because this may be my husband's problem. Np.

Mine was…and was also having an affair.

Testosterone helped with both: anger abd sex drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone read???

On page 3, OP posted that they had a long talk and were going out for dinner.

And people are here on this page posting about brain tumors? Damn. Get a life.

Yes, as we all know, people with organic medical problems are distinguished by being 100% incapable of carrying on a long talk or going out for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what never says hurtful things or gaslights me, throws my toothpaste in the living room, or rearranges my furniture? My ex.

Mine started acting inexplicably mean, picking fights over nothing, like leaving me in Lowes when I wanted to buy a BBQ grill. He was having an affair. Even if yours isn't having an affair, you don't have to live with repeated mean behavior.

Mine went apesh@t on me for choosing to buy privacy bushes along our fence line …like really effing crazy out of nowhere. (Cost wasn’t an issue) And then was up my @ss that I wasn’t helping with contractor on patio and then when I did just take it over blowing up psychotically. Absolutely zero of those tantrums had anything to do with actual home life —they were a result of the affair.

Or maybe he is just a d!ck, and that underlying condition led to both the blow-up and the affair.

[Anonymous]

Np here. I’m glad this is better but if it happens again I’d ask for him to get a medical work up. I’ve known people with a brain timor and another with a different medical problem where the sign was doing things wildly out of character. Stress and inability to handle it is a medical problem too.

I haven’t tried marriage counseling but I hear it can be helpful for learning to argue productively / reach solutions. I wonder if that’s worth considering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again, and it's been interesting to read all of the responses that have rolled in since last night's dinner, and with the clearer head now that we've gotten out of the trenches.

For those who say "he's cheating" - I mean, I can understand why that would be one guess, but I just don't think that's it. The work stress is legit, this specific situation he's dealing with is a lot. I definitely wasn't giving him enough understanding with that, and I too had had an unusually grueling work week. On the heels of the argument over finding paper on Tuesday, when he readily acknowledged that it was not about me at all and really him letting off steam at me about something totally different, I should have just credited the same issue on Friday and handled myself better. To everyone who acknowledged his out-sized reaction but called me out on how I could have handled it all better and less "about me" -- thank you. I know I have a problem accepting that someone else's moods aren't always a reaction to me/I can't solve them or convince them to feel differently.

We had a great evening yesterday, talked about everything and agreed to reset, and are on track for a good weekend. I really took to heart the PP who cited a similar fight, accepting a make-up gesture, and then facing a serious trial the next day. It feels so much better to have a partner than an adversary in the house and getting over the hurdle of stubborn anger has always been worth it, in my relationship. I need to remember that.

I get it, OP, I am the same way.

I'm glad you guys were able to make up and enjoy a planned evening out. It sounds like you generally have a pretty amazing spouse, so I'm happy for you.