Reply to Husband decided to keep kids home today without talking to me

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I am going to make an observation that comes from my marriage.

When a couple experiences real trouble trying to resolve conflict and especially if one person views disagreement as the other person simply being "wrong," the other person may get around this by acting unilaterally, or acting first, and then telling later, rather than trying to work things out.  In this case, which very much described many situations in our marriage, both people are failing to communicate properly and need to learn how to listen to each other and come to compromise, even if they do not agree.

In my case, my spouse was the one to often preemptively make decisions and he experienced my disagreement as criticism of him. He often would shout me down or become very argumentative when we disagreed so we didn't handle conflict well. As a result, I would go around him to get things done that I felt were necessary/appropriate, which is part of my conflict averse nature but of course that would also make him angry, understandably. We had to really learn to slow down and listen to each other, respect each other's opinions even if we disagreed, and find ways to discuss things calmly.

In this case, your anger at your husband's unilteral decision making is understandable, but I urge you to explore why he is doing this. There is a clear pattern of disagreement over childcare, and you clearly feel he is "wrong". Perhaps if you were able to discuss the actual issues--the differences you have around this issue, while respectig each others positions, you can come to a compromise. The fact that he wants to keep kids home, engage with them, etc is a good thing, and it also comes from his life experiences. You seem to just thing he is wrong wrong wrong and view its impact only on you. Listen to him, ask him to listen to you, without getting in a fight and try to come up with some compromises. But it also means admitting that you are not 100% correct on this issue, which I have a feeling may be difficult for you. [/quote]

This is really observant.  We've had a similar issue in our marriage.  In my case, I was the one who preemptively made a decision related to our children and put my spouse on the defensive.  Specifically, I choose to aggressively fund their 529 plans (from my salary) over his objections.  I just feel very strongly that I'm right on this issue, and whenever it comes up, we end up in a very bad place.  Because it relates to our children, it's emotional and hard for me to even hear him out.  Whenever he gets defensive, I feel like he's harming our children.  I honestly think in your case, I'd drop it and let him watch the kids all day since it's an emotional issue for him.  But, in your case, I might get my backpack and go to a coffee shop or a study room at a library to work. [/quote]

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