Nanny on the phone ALL the time. How do I talk to her about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, what a mistake to come to this forum. I spend enough time with all 3 of my kids. Our son has tons of activities and my husband takes him, our middle daughter does a serious sport and we drive very far for this. I sacrifice my time for her as she loves it too much. Our youngest loves her hobbies too and that’s why we have a nanny. On the days our middle one is free, I am with our youngest one. Jesus, what is wrong with you to judge me? We don’t want to drag all of them to our middle one’s activity. And we can afford help. So why not use it?! You are a bunch of envious and angry mothers

Then it sounds like you're doing fine. Outsource the least important job since that's the one that'll be done less well than if you had done it yourself. If that's hanging out with the five year old when she doesn't have activities, then so be it.

If your nanny is not living up to your expectations, then get a new nanny and set clear expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all nuts. Except for those who wrote normal responses. I pay $30 an hour. The former nanny used to work for 6 hours a day. And no, she didn’t have to be with infants or toddlers. She used to do projects with our youngest: play dough, art, construction paper, etc. they used to spend time outside or ran around the house playing tag or hide and seek. She used her phone only when her grandson called (they live together). It’s sad they moved to a different state. I pay for a nanny so our youngest doesn’t have to sit with me for 2,5 hours while the other child is training. So she doesn’t have to be in the car for an hour. So she can have her own classes like ballet and art. Yeah, I guess it’s time to look for a new nanny. Why on earth should she be reading news while at work? I am not asking to hover over my daughter, I want to make sure they are doing nice fun things together.

Wow, sounds you like you don't want to be around or spend any time with your youngest. Sad.

Exactly. OP wants to be able to sit and scroll on her phone for the 2.5 hours she's waiting for her older child to "train."

All of you who are commenting like this have never had a nanny. Insane, mean-spirited, troll comments.

It's insane to point out that OP is paying someone to watch her kid so she can sit at a practice for 2.5 hours? Why does OP bother to sit there herself? How boring.

Not to me. I have to watch because it’s a serious sport and I have to be there if she falls. I don’t just sit around doing nothing. Plus I do enjoy it all. Just like my middle child. Some parents are there all day long. They bring their laptops and work.

You don’t have to watch. Bring some toys and engage the little one. Or, an iPad.

Why? If she likes her classes? Why is she supposed to stop what she likes? Are you saying I should just drag her everywhere instead of making sure she has her favorite hobbies?

If she's busy what do you care if the nanny is on the phone? That's what you do as well to kill time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post brought out some crazies!

OP, I had a summer sitter (college student) like this. It broke my heart, she was clearly addicted to her phone. I love her dearly but wow. She probably looked at her phone every 3 minutes. Never about Ukraine, it was TikTok, SnapChat, etc.

In my case, I just let it slide because my kids could entertain themselves and she was otherwise the sweetest young woman and a very good babysitter.

I wouldn't bring it up to your nanny. She is likely addicted, and will just quit if you try to restrain her usage.

Instead, I'd start with this: is her phone usage detrimental to your child? Research shows that caregivers (including parents) on phones has a negative impact on children. Kids are begging to get their parents' attention. But if your child is getting the attention she needs from you, her teachers, etc... it might not matter that her afternoon sitter isn't really paying attention to her. If your child isn't bothered by it, don't worry about it. Just make sure your child has lots of activities she can do independently.

However, if the phone usage is detrimental to your child's well being - like your child is looking for connection and is being shut down in favor of a smartphone - it's a no brainer - get a new nanny!

Best of luck mama.

Thank you. Yes, my daughter says “she doesn’t want to be with me, she looks on her phone”

I think it’s time for a frank convo with this nanny, something like “I’ve brought this up before and you brushed it off, but the phone usage is impacting Kid #3 wanting to play with you bc it’s obvious that your attention is divided.” See what she says and what she offers. I think the “phone is on the charger, only for emergencies, and we will get a house phone to call if we need to reach you.” Given your situation, if you had to switch caregivers or had a gap, I think you could handle it for a few weeks given the situation (if you needed after school childcare bc you were both seeing patients I would have a different take).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, what a mistake to come to this forum. I spend enough time with all 3 of my kids. Our son has tons of activities and my husband takes him, our middle daughter does a serious sport and we drive very far for this. I sacrifice my time for her as she loves it too much. Our youngest loves her hobbies too and that’s why we have a nanny. On the days our middle one is free, I am with our youngest one. Jesus, what is wrong with you to judge me? We don’t want to drag all of them to our middle one’s activity. And we can afford help. So why not use it?! You are a bunch of envious and angry mothers

This brought out some trolls for sure. You can ask Jeff to lock or take down thread, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I would fire her and get a new nanny. Easy peasy.

Definitely not "easy peasy." Very difficult to find someone willing to work 25 hours/week because typically that's not enough money. Plus, from OP's description this is an extraordinarily unpleasant child. She "rejects the nanny" and even the kid's own parents refuse to spend time with her, preferring to pawn her off to someone they have to pay.

Oh shut up. The kid is normal and doesn't want to play with a stranger. She's fine on her own which is developmentally appropriate. If the nanny isn't doing part of her job because she's on the phone then focus on that. If OP wants to insist that the nanny bother the child and insist on playing together then fire her because she's not doing that. But she's going to have a hard time finding a replacement.

Oh shut up. The nanny has been working for them for at least several months and is not a stranger. She probably knows the nanny better than the parents.

Leave the kid out of your nonsense.

"The kid" is what the whole thing is about-otherwise there is no need to hire a nanny.

But the kid was called "extraordinarily unpleasant" which was completely uncalled for.

The way the mom described the child was extraordinarily unpleasant. If you think that's a problem, your issue is with the mom and how she portrays the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all nuts. Except for those who wrote normal responses. I pay $30 an hour. The former nanny used to work for 6 hours a day. And no, she didn’t have to be with infants or toddlers. She used to do projects with our youngest: play dough, art, construction paper, etc. they used to spend time outside or ran around the house playing tag or hide and seek. She used her phone only when her grandson called (they live together). It’s sad they moved to a different state. I pay for a nanny so our youngest doesn’t have to sit with me for 2,5 hours while the other child is training. So she doesn’t have to be in the car for an hour. So she can have her own classes like ballet and art. Yeah, I guess it’s time to look for a new nanny. Why on earth should she be reading news while at work? I am not asking to hover over my daughter, I want to make sure they are doing nice fun things together.

Wow, sounds you like you don't want to be around or spend any time with your youngest. Sad.

Exactly. OP wants to be able to sit and scroll on her phone for the 2.5 hours she's waiting for her older child to "train."

All of you who are commenting like this have never had a nanny. Insane, mean-spirited, troll comments.

It's insane to point out that OP is paying someone to watch her kid so she can sit at a practice for 2.5 hours? Why does OP bother to sit there herself? How boring.

Not to me. I have to watch because it’s a serious sport and I have to be there if she falls. I don’t just sit around doing nothing. Plus I do enjoy it all. Just like my middle child. Some parents are there all day long. They bring their laptops and work.

Are you spotting her on the uneven bars or something? Doesn't the gym have paid trainers for that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are all nuts. Except for those who wrote normal responses. I pay $30 an hour. The former nanny used to work for 6 hours a day. And no, she didn’t have to be with infants or toddlers. She used to do projects with our youngest: play dough, art, construction paper, etc. they used to spend time outside or ran around the house playing tag or hide and seek. She used her phone only when her grandson called (they live together). It’s sad they moved to a different state. I pay for a nanny so our youngest doesn’t have to sit with me for 2,5 hours while the other child is training. So she doesn’t have to be in the car for an hour. So she can have her own classes like ballet and art. Yeah, I guess it’s time to look for a new nanny. Why on earth should she be reading news while at work? I am not asking to hover over my daughter, I want to make sure they are doing nice fun things together.

So you pay $750/week. That's not enough to live on. I'm not saying you are responsible for ensuring she has enough to live on, but I'm just pointing it out. If she is working a job that is not enough to live on, it probably means

A) She really doesn't need the money (maybe her spouse makes good money, maybe she has a trust fund, etc.) so she's doesn't have an incentive to go above and beyond if it's inconvenient for her.
or
B) She DOES need the money, but this job was all she could find. She feels resentful and again, feels no incentive to go above and beyond if it's inconvenient for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would fire her and get a new nanny. Easy peasy.

Definitely not "easy peasy." Very difficult to find someone willing to work 25 hours/week because typically that's not enough money. Plus, from OP's description this is an extraordinarily unpleasant child. She "rejects the nanny" and even the kid's own parents refuse to spend time with her, preferring to pawn her off to someone they have to pay.

Oh shut up. The kid is normal and doesn't want to play with a stranger. She's fine on her own which is developmentally appropriate. If the nanny isn't doing part of her job because she's on the phone then focus on that. If OP wants to insist that the nanny bother the child and insist on playing together then fire her because she's not doing that. But she's going to have a hard time finding a replacement.

Oh shut up. The nanny has been working for them for at least several months and is not a stranger. She probably knows the nanny better than the parents.

Leave the kid out of your nonsense.

"The kid" is what the whole thing is about-otherwise there is no need to hire a nanny.

But the kid was called "extraordinarily unpleasant" which was completely uncalled for.

The way the mom described the child was extraordinarily unpleasant. If you think that's a problem, your issue is with the mom and how she portrays the child.

I don't think the mom described the child as unpleasant. I think you have reading comprehension issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all nuts. Except for those who wrote normal responses. I pay $30 an hour. The former nanny used to work for 6 hours a day. And no, she didn’t have to be with infants or toddlers. She used to do projects with our youngest: play dough, art, construction paper, etc. they used to spend time outside or ran around the house playing tag or hide and seek. She used her phone only when her grandson called (they live together). It’s sad they moved to a different state. I pay for a nanny so our youngest doesn’t have to sit with me for 2,5 hours while the other child is training. So she doesn’t have to be in the car for an hour. So she can have her own classes like ballet and art. Yeah, I guess it’s time to look for a new nanny. Why on earth should she be reading news while at work? I am not asking to hover over my daughter, I want to make sure they are doing nice fun things together.

Wow, sounds you like you don't want to be around or spend any time with your youngest. Sad.

Exactly. OP wants to be able to sit and scroll on her phone for the 2.5 hours she's waiting for her older child to "train."

All of you who are commenting like this have never had a nanny. Insane, mean-spirited, troll comments.

It's insane to point out that OP is paying someone to watch her kid so she can sit at a practice for 2.5 hours? Why does OP bother to sit there herself? How boring.

Not to me. I have to watch because it’s a serious sport and I have to be there if she falls. I don’t just sit around doing nothing. Plus I do enjoy it all. Just like my middle child. Some parents are there all day long. They bring their laptops and work.

Are you spotting her on the uneven bars or something? Doesn't the gym have paid trainers for that?

I'm guessing it's ice skating. My daughter is in competitive gymnastics and no parents are sitting there "in case they fall" Maybe something like ice skating or horse back riding are different. But by then the damage is done if this sport is that dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all nuts. Except for those who wrote normal responses. I pay $30 an hour. The former nanny used to work for 6 hours a day. And no, she didn’t have to be with infants or toddlers. She used to do projects with our youngest: play dough, art, construction paper, etc. they used to spend time outside or ran around the house playing tag or hide and seek. She used her phone only when her grandson called (they live together). It’s sad they moved to a different state. I pay for a nanny so our youngest doesn’t have to sit with me for 2,5 hours while the other child is training. So she doesn’t have to be in the car for an hour. So she can have her own classes like ballet and art. Yeah, I guess it’s time to look for a new nanny. Why on earth should she be reading news while at work? I am not asking to hover over my daughter, I want to make sure they are doing nice fun things together.

Wow, sounds you like you don't want to be around or spend any time with your youngest. Sad.

Exactly. OP wants to be able to sit and scroll on her phone for the 2.5 hours she's waiting for her older child to "train."

All of you who are commenting like this have never had a nanny. Insane, mean-spirited, troll comments.

It's insane to point out that OP is paying someone to watch her kid so she can sit at a practice for 2.5 hours? Why does OP bother to sit there herself? How boring.

Not to me. I have to watch because it’s a serious sport and I have to be there if she falls. I don’t just sit around doing nothing. Plus I do enjoy it all. Just like my middle child. Some parents are there all day long. They bring their laptops and work.

Are you spotting her on the uneven bars or something? Doesn't the gym have paid trainers for that?

So OP is having to watch all the time but other parents are there working on their laptops?

OP, your “mistake” is asking someone else to figure out how to have a frank, civil conversation with another adult.

Figure out what you want and tell the nanny what that is. If she agrees, great. Give her a week to adjust to new expectations. If she doesn’t agree, get a new nanny. Though, in your shoes, I’d just start looking now. You don’t like her, she knows it and you don’t seem like someone willing to salvage the relationship. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all nuts. Except for those who wrote normal responses. I pay $30 an hour. The former nanny used to work for 6 hours a day. And no, she didn’t have to be with infants or toddlers. She used to do projects with our youngest: play dough, art, construction paper, etc. they used to spend time outside or ran around the house playing tag or hide and seek. She used her phone only when her grandson called (they live together). It’s sad they moved to a different state. I pay for a nanny so our youngest doesn’t have to sit with me for 2,5 hours while the other child is training. So she doesn’t have to be in the car for an hour. So she can have her own classes like ballet and art. Yeah, I guess it’s time to look for a new nanny. Why on earth should she be reading news while at work? I am not asking to hover over my daughter, I want to make sure they are doing nice fun things together.

So you pay $750/week. That's not enough to live on. I'm not saying you are responsible for ensuring she has enough to live on, but I'm just pointing it out. If she is working a job that is not enough to live on, it probably means

A) She really doesn't need the money (maybe her spouse makes good money, maybe she has a trust fund, etc.) so she's doesn't have an incentive to go above and beyond if it's inconvenient for her.
or
B) She DOES need the money, but this job was all she could find. She feels resentful and again, feels no incentive to go above and beyond if it's inconvenient for her.

Or it’s her second or even third job.

[Anonymous]

OP, At this point, since you already talked to her and you really want her off the phone, not even reading a news story, then you need to start over with somebody else. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all nuts. Except for those who wrote normal responses. I pay $30 an hour. The former nanny used to work for 6 hours a day. And no, she didn’t have to be with infants or toddlers. She used to do projects with our youngest: play dough, art, construction paper, etc. they used to spend time outside or ran around the house playing tag or hide and seek. She used her phone only when her grandson called (they live together). It’s sad they moved to a different state. I pay for a nanny so our youngest doesn’t have to sit with me for 2,5 hours while the other child is training. So she doesn’t have to be in the car for an hour. So she can have her own classes like ballet and art. Yeah, I guess it’s time to look for a new nanny. Why on earth should she be reading news while at work? I am not asking to hover over my daughter, I want to make sure they are doing nice fun things together.

Wow, sounds you like you don't want to be around or spend any time with your youngest. Sad.

Exactly. OP wants to be able to sit and scroll on her phone for the 2.5 hours she's waiting for her older child to "train."

All of you who are commenting like this have never had a nanny. Insane, mean-spirited, troll comments.

It's insane to point out that OP is paying someone to watch her kid so she can sit at a practice for 2.5 hours? Why does OP bother to sit there herself? How boring.

Not to me. I have to watch because it’s a serious sport and I have to be there if she falls. I don’t just sit around doing nothing. Plus I do enjoy it all. Just like my middle child. Some parents are there all day long. They bring their laptops and work.

Are you spotting her on the uneven bars or something? Doesn't the gym have paid trainers for that?

This part of the story is very strange. No competitive and serious sports environment expects or wants parents watching attentively for 2.5 hours and expects them to be there at all times in case there is an accident. By the way, if this is the case, send the nanny to do this job which is zero quality time with a child.

As to the OP's original question, fire the nanny. If you've tried to talk to her and she blew it off, the next stop is fire her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all nuts. Except for those who wrote normal responses. I pay $30 an hour. The former nanny used to work for 6 hours a day. And no, she didn’t have to be with infants or toddlers. She used to do projects with our youngest: play dough, art, construction paper, etc. they used to spend time outside or ran around the house playing tag or hide and seek. She used her phone only when her grandson called (they live together). It’s sad they moved to a different state. I pay for a nanny so our youngest doesn’t have to sit with me for 2,5 hours while the other child is training. So she doesn’t have to be in the car for an hour. So she can have her own classes like ballet and art. Yeah, I guess it’s time to look for a new nanny. Why on earth should she be reading news while at work? I am not asking to hover over my daughter, I want to make sure they are doing nice fun things together.

Wow, sounds you like you don't want to be around or spend any time with your youngest. Sad.

Exactly. OP wants to be able to sit and scroll on her phone for the 2.5 hours she's waiting for her older child to "train."

All of you who are commenting like this have never had a nanny. Insane, mean-spirited, troll comments.

It's insane to point out that OP is paying someone to watch her kid so she can sit at a practice for 2.5 hours? Why does OP bother to sit there herself? How boring.

Not to me. I have to watch because it’s a serious sport and I have to be there if she falls. I don’t just sit around doing nothing. Plus I do enjoy it all. Just like my middle child. Some parents are there all day long. They bring their laptops and work.

Are you spotting her on the uneven bars or something? Doesn't the gym have paid trainers for that?

I'm guessing it's ice skating. My daughter is in competitive gymnastics and no parents are sitting there "in case they fall" Maybe something like ice skating or horse back riding are different. But by then the damage is done if this sport is that dangerous.

My sons are hockey players. Nobody sits around waiting to see if they get injured. There are coaches and rink staff for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are all nuts. Except for those who wrote normal responses. I pay $30 an hour. The former nanny used to work for 6 hours a day. And no, she didn’t have to be with infants or toddlers. She used to do projects with our youngest: play dough, art, construction paper, etc. they used to spend time outside or ran around the house playing tag or hide and seek. She used her phone only when her grandson called (they live together). It’s sad they moved to a different state. I pay for a nanny so our youngest doesn’t have to sit with me for 2,5 hours while the other child is training. So she doesn’t have to be in the car for an hour. So she can have her own classes like ballet and art. Yeah, I guess it’s time to look for a new nanny. Why on earth should she be reading news while at work? I am not asking to hover over my daughter, I want to make sure they are doing nice fun things together.

Wow, sounds you like you don't want to be around or spend any time with your youngest. Sad.

Exactly. OP wants to be able to sit and scroll on her phone for the 2.5 hours she's waiting for her older child to "train."

All of you who are commenting like this have never had a nanny. Insane, mean-spirited, troll comments.

It's insane to point out that OP is paying someone to watch her kid so she can sit at a practice for 2.5 hours? Why does OP bother to sit there herself? How boring.

Not to me. I have to watch because it’s a serious sport and I have to be there if she falls. I don’t just sit around doing nothing. Plus I do enjoy it all. Just like my middle child. Some parents are there all day long. They bring their laptops and work.

Are you spotting her on the uneven bars or something? Doesn't the gym have paid trainers for that?

I'm guessing it's ice skating. My daughter is in competitive gymnastics and no parents are sitting there "in case they fall" Maybe something like ice skating or horse back riding are different. But by then the damage is done if this sport is that dangerous.

My sons are hockey players. Nobody sits around waiting to see if they get injured. There are coaches and rink staff for that.

Tight rope walking without a net? What else is there?