If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. These are helpful perspectives. In my case, I don't think our marriage will improve when the kid is older because the kid is the thing that brings us joy as a couple. We do really like spending time together as a family, but don't spend much time together outside of the kid. Once she's out of the house, I cannot imagine that we will want to stay together. We want to live in totally different climates, we want to do totally different things in retirement, etc. We don't have a lot of conflict right now, but once our kid has launched, there really won't be anything binding us to one another. For example, he wants to move to a colder environment and I can't imagine moving because of him and he can't imagine staying here because of me. We have really different desires for the next phase of our lives, and compromising for one another feels weird when there's no real connection between us.

I don't think we would ever put our kid in the middle, make her feel badly, talk trash about one another, fight about supporting her, etc. When it comes to how we treat our kid, we are really aligned. I think we'd be fine, for example, visiting her at college together and we'd work to make sure that she has equal time with each of us over summers, vacations, etc. (e.g. even if my partner moves, I think he'd come to the DMV for her school vacations so that she could see both of us and her friends, and I would support her going to his location when that makes sense too).

OP can we have some context? This sounds like it was an arranged marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter how old children are when their parents divorce.

Facts are this: Even if your DC are in college when you divorce it will never be easy. In fact, it may actually be harder - especially if you plan to have another partner/spouse at some point. Which seems to be your goal since you are in a passionless marriage and want to be "in love".

Be prepared your child (no matter how old) will have a very, very difficult time accepting you and your spouse's new partners. This will cause conflict.

You may find the love of your life who you are so much more compatible with but what will you do when your daughter tells you she hates them and wants nothing to do with them - no matter how old she gets. And she does the same with your ex's new partner.

There are people in their 70s and 80s who repartner/remarry and have adult kids who are vehemently opposed to such relationships.

Once you've had a child with someone it fundamentally changes any potential relationships you might have in the future.

Consider that before you fundamentally change the family you have.

I fundamentally disagree with this poster. Of COURSE it matters how old the kids are when you divorce.
My parents divorced when I was very young. For all my childhood I lived between homes, always packing bags and hated that life. Being a kid of divorced parents shaped my daily thoughts. I just wanted a normal life.

I can’t answer your op, I’m not in that situation but cannot let this PP go uncommented.

To be fair I think most kids adapt to it. I didn't like switching houses but adjusted and it became my new normal. And I had several friends in the same boat so I didn't see it as abnormal per de. If it affected your entire childhood and you never adapted, well, I think that is pretty unusual and not the norm from the other kids of divorce I knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what having tons of fun together but not being comparable means. I’m not being stupid, I just need to see it spelled out to understand.

I'm not sure why so many ppl are being obtuse. Do you not understand that parents can have fun engaging with their child for an event or activity and having "fun" as a family unit for the sake of their kid? This literally happens all the time - even with divorced parents. You enjoy seeing your kid's joy and you may like the activity - e.g. ski vacation, beach vacation, going to the movies, going to dinner. I like doing all of that and can "have fun" with the other parent.

And having to explain on this particular board is obnoxious given the amount of posts we see about unhappily married couples staying for their kid's sake. Now everyone wants to move the goal post and say "hey you're never allowed to divorce because even your 30 yr old child will be impacted". GTFOH.

I totally understand when someone chooses to stay if there is no outright abuse / drugs, etc. but I also totally get that just because those things don't exist doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for literally my whole life because I should be grateful that someone is willing to be my kind roomie. You all are really losing the plot in this thread. OP is not wrong to not want to be married to someone that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for and is not compatible - sexually, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Being a martyr is what you all want everyone to be and it's ludicrous.

I totally agree and would add that there seem to be a lot of people in this thread who don't like sex very much. Being married in your 50s "mostly about being activity partners and friends?" Ugh, I'm not in my 50s yet but I hope it's about a little more than that. And it's so annoying the way so many people in this forum seem to almost revel in the idea that marriage is about "work." If you're truly compatible with your spouse and happy with him/her then of course there will be ups and downs but there shouldn't be that much work. And if I do have to spend the rest of my life working on something, well, that doesn't sound like much of a life.

100 percent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what you have is normal.

This. This. This. This is NORMAL. If you want to amp it up some you need to adjust your thinking to focus on what you are grateful for. Gratitude every day. Be grateful for what seems like the tiniest of things. And I tell you a low-conflict but kinda lacking in passion marriage will take you to your 90s ... and somebody will be by your side to hold your hand and take you to your doctor's appointments. Not having sombody in your 70s, 80s, and beyond is much more of a challenge than I think we'd all like to believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t answer your op, I’m not in that situation but cannot let this PP go uncommented.

And then when you do it to kids in college, with all those pressures they already face they have to grapple with the idea that their entire childhood was a lie.

What lie?

One parent was an actual parent and the other was awol work addict.

They already knew that. They already have a shallow relationship in labor only with the awol parent. Neither don’t have to see their active parent shackled to that.



Exactly. Not PP but dramatic much? What lie am I telling by deciding to stay together for THEIR happiness until they are an adult? Kid is happy that we live under one roof. Kid is happy not to be in a "divorced" home. There is no arguing, there is no abuse.

But the fact of the matter is that as soon as kid is an adult I will pursue divorce. I am not nor will I ever be happy as a couple with spouse - and tbh the absence of kid in household will be a death knell as this is the only reason I'm here. Why am I unhappy? I can list a variety of reasons:

Unwillingness of spouse to even acknowledge issues or go to counseling - says expectations are too high - in everything - marriage, household cleanliness, timely repairs or to-dos - I'm just an overachiever.

Having to do all emotional labor regarding any household activity - cleaning/repairs/dr appts/shopping, etc.
Do you think shampoo and soap is magically transported to our bathroom? Do you think vitamins or food are teleported to the kitchen? Who cleans that bathroom and kitchen? Who has to stay home with sick kid? Who has to shuffle around work schedule for the 10th new job of spouse so kid can be picked up or taken to activities? And who pays for any and all extracurricular activities including vacations? Who does all of it - while also working full time - that's me.

Spouse never wants to leave house but is snarky and gives silent treatment whenever I want to do something without them or "family" and "family" is weaponized and I am considered selfish if I want to take a day for myself to do anything for only me.

Leaves half finished or unfinished projects undone - for YEARS but if asked about it, I am nagging. But yet not allowed to hire professional because "we can do that ourselves". By not allowed I mean I can but will get silent treatment or attitude for weeks for calling a landscaper or plumber.

Every item in household purchased from my own monies - every piece of furniture, picture, kid clothing, shoes, lamp, book - everything. Spouse gives set amount to household acct for "bills" and never offers to provide any other support - financial or otherwise for "extras". I guess groceries and clothes are luxury items.
Anytime I dare bring up a topic I am iced out, cursed out or told them I'm crazy and spouse threatens to move 3000 miles away to "family" with kid. Likely won't happen but 50/50 custody most likely would.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. So no - we don't argue. And I put on a good face for my kid everyday so he can be joyful and not worry about adult issues. I participate in family events and smile and I am secretly counting down to the last second when I no longer have to live with anyone. I don't have any Prince Charming fantasies - mine only consist of getting away from my spouse.




This does not fall in the amiable but unhappy marriage bucket. This is no way to live. Would he manage a small apartment and custody time OK or is he too out of it?

[Anonymous]

This does not fall in the amiable but unhappy marriage bucket. This is no way to live. Would he manage a small apartment and custody time OK or is he too out of it?

No. BTW - this is not OP but giving examples of why one waits until kids are older/college age to divorce when there are no abuse/adultery/addiction.

He has emotionally blackmailed me since my child was born and has threatened (and would follow through) and move across country to have shared custody for no other reason than spite. And despite the fact that I literally cannot stand this man, our child adores him and vice versa. My child would be devastated. It's as simple as that. And no it's no way to live and no I'm not proud to be a silent resentful seething monster and I imagine that the moment I think I'm free I'll probably keel over from a stroke and never actually get to realize the joy of no longer living this way.

And that's the reality of my own personal sacrifice. No one made me. It's not forced. But there is no other viable option for me that will not make my child extremely sad and anxious and quite possibly ruin his childhood. So I do what a lot of you crow about - I stay. And I don't argue anymore because what is the f-ing point. I "gray rock" and move as little as possible so not only do I not argue, I don't provoke an argument - not because I am weak but because I know I'm strong and I know that I can live with my decisions.

But no - I do not believe that I have to be tethered to this situation for all time because of my past choices and mistakes. And yes there are reasons to not want to live and be with someone just so you don't die alone. I'd welcome dying alone with my kids around me knowing that I've literally done all I can to make sure that they are as happy and loving as they can be without me saddling them with burdens that aren't theirs to carry.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same boat with an untreated mental disordered abusive spouse.

I get it. I’ve detached, he’s still nasty and mean, so maybe he runs off to hit the Easy Button

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter how old children are when their parents divorce.

Facts are this: Even if your DC are in college when you divorce it will never be easy. In fact, it may actually be harder - especially if you plan to have another partner/spouse at some point. Which seems to be your goal since you are in a passionless marriage and want to be "in love".

Be prepared your child (no matter how old) will have a very, very difficult time accepting you and your spouse's new partners. This will cause conflict.

You may find the love of your life who you are so much more compatible with but what will you do when your daughter tells you she hates them and wants nothing to do with them - no matter how old she gets. And she does the same with your ex's new partner.

There are people in their 70s and 80s who repartner/remarry and have adult kids who are vehemently opposed to such relationships.

Once you've had a child with someone it fundamentally changes any potential relationships you might have in the future.

Consider that before you fundamentally change the family you have.

I fundamentally disagree with this poster. Of COURSE it matters how old the kids are when you divorce.
My parents divorced when I was very young. For all my childhood I lived between homes, always packing bags and hated that life. Being a kid of divorced parents shaped my daily thoughts. I just wanted a normal life.

I can’t answer your op, I’m not in that situation but cannot let this PP go uncommented.

To be fair I think most kids adapt to it. I didn't like switching houses but adjusted and it became my new normal. And I had several friends in the same boat so I didn't see it as abnormal per de. If it affected your entire childhood and you never adapted, well, I think that is pretty unusual and not the norm from the other kids of divorce I knew.

DP.

I mean, I adapted but it definitely affected my entire childhood.

Divorce sucks for kids. OTOH, made me a much better adult, partner and parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This does not fall in the amiable but unhappy marriage bucket. This is no way to live. Would he manage a small apartment and custody time OK or is he too out of it?

No. BTW - this is not OP but giving examples of why one waits until kids are older/college age to divorce when there are no abuse/adultery/addiction.

He has emotionally blackmailed me since my child was born and has threatened (and would follow through) and move across country to have shared custody for no other reason than spite. And despite the fact that I literally cannot stand this man, our child adores him and vice versa. My child would be devastated. It's as simple as that. And no it's no way to live and no I'm not proud to be a silent resentful seething monster and I imagine that the moment I think I'm free I'll probably keel over from a stroke and never actually get to realize the joy of no longer living this way.

And that's the reality of my own personal sacrifice. No one made me. It's not forced. But there is no other viable option for me that will not make my child extremely sad and anxious and quite possibly ruin his childhood. So I do what a lot of you crow about - I stay. And I don't argue anymore because what is the f-ing point. I "gray rock" and move as little as possible so not only do I not argue, I don't provoke an argument - not because I am weak but because I know I'm strong and I know that I can live with my decisions.

But no - I do not believe that I have to be tethered to this situation for all time because of my past choices and mistakes. And yes there are reasons to not want to live and be with someone just so you don't die alone. I'd welcome dying alone with my kids around me knowing that I've literally done all I can to make sure that they are as happy and loving as they can be without me saddling them with burdens that aren't theirs to carry.

I hate to break this to you, but based on these descriptions your husband is actually abusive. He is emotionally, financially, and verbally abusive. You would be totally reasonable to divorce him now or later. OP’s marriage sounds like it is nothing like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what having tons of fun together but not being comparable means. I’m not being stupid, I just need to see it spelled out to understand.

I'm not sure why so many ppl are being obtuse. Do you not understand that parents can have fun engaging with their child for an event or activity and having "fun" as a family unit for the sake of their kid? This literally happens all the time - even with divorced parents. You enjoy seeing your kid's joy and you may like the activity - e.g. ski vacation, beach vacation, going to the movies, going to dinner. I like doing all of that and can "have fun" with the other parent.

And having to explain on this particular board is obnoxious given the amount of posts we see about unhappily married couples staying for their kid's sake. Now everyone wants to move the goal post and say "hey you're never allowed to divorce because even your 30 yr old child will be impacted". GTFOH.

I totally understand when someone chooses to stay if there is no outright abuse / drugs, etc. but I also totally get that just because those things don't exist doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for literally my whole life because I should be grateful that someone is willing to be my kind roomie. You all are really losing the plot in this thread. OP is not wrong to not want to be married to someone that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for and is not compatible - sexually, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Being a martyr is what you all want everyone to be and it's ludicrous.

I totally agree and would add that there seem to be a lot of people in this thread who don't like sex very much. Being married in your 50s "mostly about being activity partners and friends?" Ugh, I'm not in my 50s yet but I hope it's about a little more than that. And it's so annoying the way so many people in this forum seem to almost revel in the idea that marriage is about "work." If you're truly compatible with your spouse and happy with him/her then of course there will be ups and downs but there shouldn't be that much work. And if I do have to spend the rest of my life working on something, well, that doesn't sound like much of a life.

Check back when you’re in your 50s (or more pertinently, when your DH is) about whether sex is the central piece of your relationship. I’m not saying you won’t still have it (although among our couple friends we are close to, a LOT no longer do, or do very infrequently) but men age a lot by their mid fifties. Much faster than women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what you have is normal.

No, it’s not normal. OP, have you and your DH acknowledged these feelings to each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter how old children are when their parents divorce.

Facts are this: Even if your DC are in college when you divorce it will never be easy. In fact, it may actually be harder - especially if you plan to have another partner/spouse at some point. Which seems to be your goal since you are in a passionless marriage and want to be "in love".

Be prepared your child (no matter how old) will have a very, very difficult time accepting you and your spouse's new partners. This will cause conflict.

You may find the love of your life who you are so much more compatible with but what will you do when your daughter tells you she hates them and wants nothing to do with them - no matter how old she gets. And she does the same with your ex's new partner.

There are people in their 70s and 80s who repartner/remarry and have adult kids who are vehemently opposed to such relationships.

Once you've had a child with someone it fundamentally changes any potential relationships you might have in the future.

Consider that before you fundamentally change the family you have.

I fundamentally disagree with this poster. Of COURSE it matters how old the kids are when you divorce.
My parents divorced when I was very young. For all my childhood I lived between homes, always packing bags and hated that life. Being a kid of divorced parents shaped my daily thoughts. I just wanted a normal life.

I can’t answer your op, I’m not in that situation but cannot let this PP go uncommented.

And then when you do it to kids in college, with all those pressures they already face they have to grapple with the idea that their entire childhood was a lie.

This happened to a friend if mine. From her perspective, she went away from home and then home was yanked away. She didn't have her home to go back to during breaks (even if one parent was in the same house). It was REALLY destabilizing for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. These are helpful perspectives. In my case, I don't think our marriage will improve when the kid is older because the kid is the thing that brings us joy as a couple. We do really like spending time together as a family, but don't spend much time together outside of the kid. Once she's out of the house, I cannot imagine that we will want to stay together. We want to live in totally different climates, we want to do totally different things in retirement, etc. We don't have a lot of conflict right now, but once our kid has launched, there really won't be anything binding us to one another. For example, he wants to move to a colder environment and I can't imagine moving because of him and he can't imagine staying here because of me. We have really different desires for the next phase of our lives, and compromising for one another feels weird when there's no real connection between us.

I don't think we would ever put our kid in the middle, make her feel badly, talk trash about one another, fight about supporting her, etc. When it comes to how we treat our kid, we are really aligned. I think we'd be fine, for example, visiting her at college together and we'd work to make sure that she has equal time with each of us over summers, vacations, etc. (e.g. even if my partner moves, I think he'd come to the DMV for her school vacations so that she could see both of us and her friends, and I would support her going to his location when that makes sense too).

Op, isn’t retirement really far off if your kid is so young? Anything could happen before then. If you are miserable and have tried to fix the marriage, divorce, but this daydreaming about a distant future apart is corrosive to the marriage in the present.

[Anonymous]

If it’s about wanting passion and hot sex then rekindle the marriage or divorce now because it’ll be hard to come by in 20 years.

[Anonymous]

OP, you *think* everything will be fine when you split, amicable about sharing child time and expenses, etc. But your imagination does not include new partners and step-relatives and everything that entails, including competition for resources. You also have no idea how your kid will deal with all of this, what happens as she ages and you age, how to split holidays, etc. I think you sound like you live in a future fantasy world.

You should consider all the people on this thread who have suggested trying to address your current issues, instead of just accepting them as a fact set in stone. If you can connect and develop emotional intimacy again, you may both be willing to make compromises 15 years from now. You must have been in love on your wedding day, right? Sounds like there is a real foundation here to build from.