If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?

[Anonymous]

Like others in a previous threat, I'm in a low conflict, friendly marriage that lacks passion and compatibility. It's hard for me to think of my kid having to pack bags and switch houses for the rest of her childhood. She's 7 now. Sure, I wish I could have the opportunity to find someone who truly loves me (and I'm sure my spouse feels the same way), but I would feel so sad for my kid who loves our intact family. We do a lot together as a family now--hikes and activities on weekends, nightly meals, etc. I think we're creating a warm, loving environment for her, and I don't think she understands that my spouse and I aren't happy together. We're truly good activity partners, so she sees us having fun with her on weekends, at meals, etc. We're not compatible emotionally or physically, but we married because we had lots of fun together and it felt like it made sense. We still have fun together, but we're not in love at all.

I'm interested to hear from adults whose parents stayed in a low conflict marriage and divorced later in life.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter how old children are when their parents divorce.

Facts are this: Even if your DC are in college when you divorce it will never be easy. In fact, it may actually be harder - especially if you plan to have another partner/spouse at some point. Which seems to be your goal since you are in a passionless marriage and want to be "in love".

Be prepared your child (no matter how old) will have a very, very difficult time accepting you and your spouse's new partners. This will cause conflict.

You may find the love of your life who you are so much more compatible with but what will you do when your daughter tells you she hates them and wants nothing to do with them - no matter how old she gets. And she does the same with your ex's new partner.

There are people in their 70s and 80s who repartner/remarry and have adult kids who are vehemently opposed to such relationships.

Once you've had a child with someone it fundamentally changes any potential relationships you might have in the future.

Consider that before you fundamentally change the family you have.

[Anonymous]

I think what you have is normal.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine divorcing for this reason if I had kids, no matter what age. I’d work on my marriage instead. Companionship with someone you like is a pretty great thing as you enter the second half of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter how old children are when their parents divorce.

Facts are this: Even if your DC are in college when you divorce it will never be easy. In fact, it may actually be harder - especially if you plan to have another partner/spouse at some point. Which seems to be your goal since you are in a passionless marriage and want to be "in love".

Be prepared your child (no matter how old) will have a very, very difficult time accepting you and your spouse's new partners. This will cause conflict.

You may find the love of your life who you are so much more compatible with but what will you do when your daughter tells you she hates them and wants nothing to do with them - no matter how old she gets. And she does the same with your ex's new partner.

There are people in their 70s and 80s who repartner/remarry and have adult kids who are vehemently opposed to such relationships.

Once you've had a child with someone it fundamentally changes any potential relationships you might have in the future.

Consider that before you fundamentally change the family you have.

I fundamentally disagree with this poster. Of COURSE it matters how old the kids are when you divorce.
My parents divorced when I was very young. For all my childhood I lived between homes, always packing bags and hated that life. Being a kid of divorced parents shaped my daily thoughts. I just wanted a normal life.

I can’t answer your op, I’m not in that situation but cannot let this PP go uncommented.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean, you married because it made sense? Were you in love when you were engaged? Were you in your mid 30s or older, worried about never getting married or having a kid, and decided the lukewarm guy would do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine divorcing for this reason if I had kids, no matter what age. I’d work on my marriage instead. Companionship with someone you like is a pretty great thing as you enter the second half of your life.

This.
100%
You are lucky to be living with a spouse who you get along with and have fun with.

[Anonymous]

Only child here and my parents split 1st semester of my freshman year. While it was not a surprise (they both warned me for years they were only sticking around for me and once I was gone they were leaving), it was still very difficult. Visits home were depressing to the point where I stopped coming and my relationship with my dad (the one who moved out of the house) became almost non-existent which was especially hard because we were so close. In hindsight, I believe it would have been a better transition for me to start juggling 2 households when I was still living with them.

[Anonymous]

I think there’s a good chance you and your husband will be very happy together by the time your child goes to college. Mid life marriages are often about being friends and activity partners. It’s enough once the stresses of raising young kids go away.!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter how old children are when their parents divorce.

Facts are this: Even if your DC are in college when you divorce it will never be easy. In fact, it may actually be harder - especially if you plan to have another partner/spouse at some point. Which seems to be your goal since you are in a passionless marriage and want to be "in love".

Be prepared your child (no matter how old) will have a very, very difficult time accepting you and your spouse's new partners. This will cause conflict.

You may find the love of your life who you are so much more compatible with but what will you do when your daughter tells you she hates them and wants nothing to do with them - no matter how old she gets. And she does the same with your ex's new partner.

There are people in their 70s and 80s who repartner/remarry and have adult kids who are vehemently opposed to such relationships.

Once you've had a child with someone it fundamentally changes any potential relationships you might have in the future.

Consider that before you fundamentally change the family you have.

I fundamentally disagree with this poster. Of COURSE it matters how old the kids are when you divorce.
My parents divorced when I was very young. For all my childhood I lived between homes, always packing bags and hated that life. Being a kid of divorced parents shaped my daily thoughts. I just wanted a normal life.

I can’t answer your op, I’m not in that situation but cannot let this PP go uncommented.

And then when you do it to kids in college, with all those pressures they already face they have to grapple with the idea that their entire childhood was a lie.

[Anonymous]

I also agree with pp that marriages are hard at the age/life cycle you are at. I too felt that way in my 40s. Now at 50, DH and I are having fun again and I don’t crave that “being in love” feeling I did 10 years ago.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you really expect to feel “in love” with your next partner after ten years? (Spoiler: you won’t.)

Love is a verb. You can feel love and love someone if you want. It sounds like you both checked out and decided it should be easy. That simply isn’t how it works.

[Anonymous]

My husband's parents did this. He found it very hard. One problem was that because they divorced after he was 18 they never had to negotiate how to split holidays, school breaks or money. As a result he ended up in the middle of a fight between them for everything, with both parents guilt tripping him. Where to spend Thanksgiving? Where to spend Christmas? Who would pay his car insurance? Who would pay for new tires? Who would buy him clothes? Who gets to take him out to dinner for parents weekend? Where did he live for summer break? Spring break?

It all got harder again when his parents remarried and then had young step kids who they were raising. That was so awkward. His parents want him to treat them as siblings, but they were strangers who he wasn't at all interested in knowing. He had his own life and wasn't ever part of his parents new families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter how old children are when their parents divorce.

Facts are this: Even if your DC are in college when you divorce it will never be easy. In fact, it may actually be harder - especially if you plan to have another partner/spouse at some point. Which seems to be your goal since you are in a passionless marriage and want to be "in love".

Be prepared your child (no matter how old) will have a very, very difficult time accepting you and your spouse's new partners. This will cause conflict.

You may find the love of your life who you are so much more compatible with but what will you do when your daughter tells you she hates them and wants nothing to do with them - no matter how old she gets. And she does the same with your ex's new partner.

There are people in their 70s and 80s who repartner/remarry and have adult kids who are vehemently opposed to such relationships.

Once you've had a child with someone it fundamentally changes any potential relationships you might have in the future.

Consider that before you fundamentally change the family you have.

I fundamentally disagree with this poster. Of COURSE it matters how old the kids are when you divorce.
My parents divorced when I was very young. For all my childhood I lived between homes, always packing bags and hated that life. Being a kid of divorced parents shaped my daily thoughts. I just wanted a normal life.

I can’t answer your op, I’m not in that situation but cannot let this PP go uncommented.

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy for a kid whose parents get married when they are in college.

I think the “easiest” is college, second is kid/toddler years, hardest is adolescence. Often college is made harder because people assume that college kids don’t need support.

My parents divorced when I was six and it wasn’t something I loved but I also know it was the best thing for them. I wouldn’t have wanted to be the reason to stay together. So, it’s just not an easy thing.

[Anonymous]

my parents divorced when I was 28 (my older sister 32, my younger was 22). they were amicable and there was no anger but starting in high school we all realized they weren't in love and they didn't do things together like other parents did.

honestly, I'm so happy they divorced when they did. I'm sure it was shit for them, but I will forever be so grateful that I didn't have to do christmases or pack a bag every weekend growing up.