If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?

[Anonymous]

My parent’s marriage was abusive and horrible. Frankly, none of their kids could stand to be with them by the time we were in high school. They brought misery to all of us, and their constant fighting in front of us was childish and petty. There were few tears by their children when they each passed away, two years apart. And yet they were both well-respected professionals in their fields, and their work colleagues raved about them.

In short, I am NOT in the camp which says “Stick it out at all costs for the children.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what having tons of fun together but not being comparable means. I’m not being stupid, I just need to see it spelled out to understand.

I'm not sure why so many ppl are being obtuse. Do you not understand that parents can have fun engaging with their child for an event or activity and having "fun" as a family unit for the sake of their kid? This literally happens all the time - even with divorced parents. You enjoy seeing your kid's joy and you may like the activity - e.g. ski vacation, beach vacation, going to the movies, going to dinner. I like doing all of that and can "have fun" with the other parent.

And having to explain on this particular board is obnoxious given the amount of posts we see about unhappily married couples staying for their kid's sake. Now everyone wants to move the goal post and say "hey you're never allowed to divorce because even your 30 yr old child will be impacted". GTFOH.

I totally understand when someone chooses to stay if there is no outright abuse / drugs, etc. but I also totally get that just because those things don't exist doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for literally my whole life because I should be grateful that someone is willing to be my kind roomie. You all are really losing the plot in this thread. OP is not wrong to not want to be married to someone that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for and is not compatible - sexually, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Being a martyr is what you all want everyone to be and it's ludicrous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parent’s marriage was abusive and horrible. Frankly, none of their kids could stand to be with them by the time we were in high school. They brought misery to all of us, and their constant fighting in front of us was childish and petty. There were few tears by their children when they each passed away, two years apart. And yet they were both well-respected professionals in their fields, and their work colleagues raved about them.

In short, I am NOT in the camp which says “Stick it out at all costs for the children.”

I don’t have any dog in this fight, but it’s so irritating when people post a completely different situation (abusive, horrible relationship, no mention of divorce) to justify a response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what having tons of fun together but not being comparable means. I’m not being stupid, I just need to see it spelled out to understand.

I'm not sure why so many ppl are being obtuse. Do you not understand that parents can have fun engaging with their child for an event or activity and having "fun" as a family unit for the sake of their kid? This literally happens all the time - even with divorced parents. You enjoy seeing your kid's joy and you may like the activity - e.g. ski vacation, beach vacation, going to the movies, going to dinner. I like doing all of that and can "have fun" with the other parent.

And having to explain on this particular board is obnoxious given the amount of posts we see about unhappily married couples staying for their kid's sake. Now everyone wants to move the goal post and say "hey you're never allowed to divorce because even your 30 yr old child will be impacted". GTFOH.

I totally understand when someone chooses to stay if there is no outright abuse / drugs, etc. but I also totally get that just because those things don't exist doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for literally my whole life because I should be grateful that someone is willing to be my kind roomie. You all are really losing the plot in this thread. OP is not wrong to not want to be married to someone that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for and is not compatible - sexually, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Being a martyr is what you all want everyone to be and it's ludicrous.

Most of my divorced friends CANNOT STAND their exes. They would not have described their married lives as “tons of fun.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like others in a previous threat, I'm in a low conflict, friendly marriage that lacks passion and compatibility. It's hard for me to think of my kid having to pack bags and switch houses for the rest of her childhood. She's 7 now. Sure, I wish I could have the opportunity to find someone who truly loves me (and I'm sure my spouse feels the same way), but I would feel so sad for my kid who loves our intact family. We do a lot together as a family now--hikes and activities on weekends, nightly meals, etc. I think we're creating a warm, loving environment for her, and I don't think she understands that my spouse and I aren't happy together. We're truly good activity partners, so she sees us having fun with her on weekends, at meals, etc. We're not compatible emotionally or physically, but we married because we had lots of fun together and it felt like it made sense. We still have fun together, but we're not in love at all.

I'm interested to hear from adults whose parents stayed in a low conflict marriage and divorced later in life.

You have a great marriage and you are throwing it away because you watched too many rom-coms as a kid.

Sometimes marriage counseling helps to establish realistic expectations for marriage. I thought my marriage was pretty lackluster but the marriage counselor had a different point of view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what having tons of fun together but not being comparable means. I’m not being stupid, I just need to see it spelled out to understand.

I'm not sure why so many ppl are being obtuse. Do you not understand that parents can have fun engaging with their child for an event or activity and having "fun" as a family unit for the sake of their kid? This literally happens all the time - even with divorced parents. You enjoy seeing your kid's joy and you may like the activity - e.g. ski vacation, beach vacation, going to the movies, going to dinner. I like doing all of that and can "have fun" with the other parent.

And having to explain on this particular board is obnoxious given the amount of posts we see about unhappily married couples staying for their kid's sake. Now everyone wants to move the goal post and say "hey you're never allowed to divorce because even your 30 yr old child will be impacted". GTFOH.

I totally understand when someone chooses to stay if there is no outright abuse / drugs, etc. but I also totally get that just because those things don't exist doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for literally my whole life because I should be grateful that someone is willing to be my kind roomie. You all are really losing the plot in this thread. OP is not wrong to not want to be married to someone that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for and is not compatible - sexually, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Being a martyr is what you all want everyone to be and it's ludicrous.

I totally agree and would add that there seem to be a lot of people in this thread who don't like sex very much. Being married in your 50s "mostly about being activity partners and friends?" Ugh, I'm not in my 50s yet but I hope it's about a little more than that. And it's so annoying the way so many people in this forum seem to almost revel in the idea that marriage is about "work." If you're truly compatible with your spouse and happy with him/her then of course there will be ups and downs but there shouldn't be that much work. And if I do have to spend the rest of my life working on something, well, that doesn't sound like much of a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what having tons of fun together but not being comparable means. I’m not being stupid, I just need to see it spelled out to understand.

I'm not sure why so many ppl are being obtuse. Do you not understand that parents can have fun engaging with their child for an event or activity and having "fun" as a family unit for the sake of their kid? This literally happens all the time - even with divorced parents. You enjoy seeing your kid's joy and you may like the activity - e.g. ski vacation, beach vacation, going to the movies, going to dinner. I like doing all of that and can "have fun" with the other parent.

And having to explain on this particular board is obnoxious given the amount of posts we see about unhappily married couples staying for their kid's sake. Now everyone wants to move the goal post and say "hey you're never allowed to divorce because even your 30 yr old child will be impacted". GTFOH.

I totally understand when someone chooses to stay if there is no outright abuse / drugs, etc. but I also totally get that just because those things don't exist doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for literally my whole life because I should be grateful that someone is willing to be my kind roomie. You all are really losing the plot in this thread. OP is not wrong to not want to be married to someone that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for and is not compatible - sexually, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Being a martyr is what you all want everyone to be and it's ludicrous.

It’s ludicrous to make the leap that simply choosing gratitude for a happy and fun home life makes one a martyr. It’s a choice, and a good one at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's parents did this. He found it very hard. One problem was that because they divorced after he was 18 they never had to negotiate how to split holidays, school breaks or money. As a result he ended up in the middle of a fight between them for everything, with both parents guilt tripping him. Where to spend Thanksgiving? Where to spend Christmas? Who would pay his car insurance? Who would pay for new tires? Who would buy him clothes? Who gets to take him out to dinner for parents weekend? Where did he live for summer break? Spring break?

It all got harder again when his parents remarried and then had young step kids who they were raising. That was so awkward. His parents want him to treat them as siblings, but they were strangers who he wasn't at all interested in knowing. He had his own life and wasn't ever part of his parents new families.

So much this. I moved from one coast to the other for college and never wanted to go back home afterward because everything changed and I was left out of the new situations because I hadn't been there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine divorcing for this reason if I had kids, no matter what age. I’d work on my marriage instead. Companionship with someone you like is a pretty great thing as you enter the second half of your life.

+1 I would not divorce. The grass is NOT always greener. Now if your partner was not pulling his weight with the kids, was lazy, abusive, having an affair, etc. yes I would leave. But it sounds like you want to leave to find a hypothetical “someone else,” who may or may not (probably does not) exist. And keep in mind if you divorce older, let’s say when your kid is 20 and you’re say 50 - you could be in a situation dating a guy who has younger kids. Or a guy who is looking for a “nurse” to take care of him in his older years. Point is it’s not a great situation but what you have sounds like it COULD BE good IF you both worked at it.

Well guess what? This person isn't you, and they can make their own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what having tons of fun together but not being comparable means. I’m not being stupid, I just need to see it spelled out to understand.

I'm not sure why so many ppl are being obtuse. Do you not understand that parents can have fun engaging with their child for an event or activity and having "fun" as a family unit for the sake of their kid? This literally happens all the time - even with divorced parents. You enjoy seeing your kid's joy and you may like the activity - e.g. ski vacation, beach vacation, going to the movies, going to dinner. I like doing all of that and can "have fun" with the other parent.

And having to explain on this particular board is obnoxious given the amount of posts we see about unhappily married couples staying for their kid's sake. Now everyone wants to move the goal post and say "hey you're never allowed to divorce because even your 30 yr old child will be impacted". GTFOH.

I totally understand when someone chooses to stay if there is no outright abuse / drugs, etc. but I also totally get that just because those things don't exist doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for literally my whole life because I should be grateful that someone is willing to be my kind roomie. You all are really losing the plot in this thread. OP is not wrong to not want to be married to someone that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for and is not compatible - sexually, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Being a martyr is what you all want everyone to be and it's ludicrous.

It’s ludicrous to make the leap that simply choosing gratitude for a happy and fun home life makes one a martyr. It’s a choice, and a good one at that.

OP literally said she was unhappy and they are not happy as a couple. So what now? Oh...I know...happiness is a choice and OP doesn't know what she's talking about, amirite? Pffft.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what having tons of fun together but not being comparable means. I’m not being stupid, I just need to see it spelled out to understand.

I'm not sure why so many ppl are being obtuse. Do you not understand that parents can have fun engaging with their child for an event or activity and having "fun" as a family unit for the sake of their kid? This literally happens all the time - even with divorced parents. You enjoy seeing your kid's joy and you may like the activity - e.g. ski vacation, beach vacation, going to the movies, going to dinner. I like doing all of that and can "have fun" with the other parent.

And having to explain on this particular board is obnoxious given the amount of posts we see about unhappily married couples staying for their kid's sake. Now everyone wants to move the goal post and say "hey you're never allowed to divorce because even your 30 yr old child will be impacted". GTFOH.

I totally understand when someone chooses to stay if there is no outright abuse / drugs, etc. but I also totally get that just because those things don't exist doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for literally my whole life because I should be grateful that someone is willing to be my kind roomie. You all are really losing the plot in this thread. OP is not wrong to not want to be married to someone that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for and is not compatible - sexually, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Being a martyr is what you all want everyone to be and it's ludicrous.

It’s ludicrous to make the leap that simply choosing gratitude for a happy and fun home life makes one a martyr. It’s a choice, and a good one at that.

It's your choice. Not someone else's. Might be "good" for you, but not for others. Mind your own life and marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what having tons of fun together but not being comparable means. I’m not being stupid, I just need to see it spelled out to understand.

I'm not sure why so many ppl are being obtuse. Do you not understand that parents can have fun engaging with their child for an event or activity and having "fun" as a family unit for the sake of their kid? This literally happens all the time - even with divorced parents. You enjoy seeing your kid's joy and you may like the activity - e.g. ski vacation, beach vacation, going to the movies, going to dinner. I like doing all of that and can "have fun" with the other parent.

And having to explain on this particular board is obnoxious given the amount of posts we see about unhappily married couples staying for their kid's sake. Now everyone wants to move the goal post and say "hey you're never allowed to divorce because even your 30 yr old child will be impacted". GTFOH.

I totally understand when someone chooses to stay if there is no outright abuse / drugs, etc. but I also totally get that just because those things don't exist doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for literally my whole life because I should be grateful that someone is willing to be my kind roomie. You all are really losing the plot in this thread. OP is not wrong to not want to be married to someone that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for and is not compatible - sexually, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Being a martyr is what you all want everyone to be and it's ludicrous.

I totally agree and would add that there seem to be a lot of people in this thread who don't like sex very much. Being married in your 50s "mostly about being activity partners and friends?" Ugh, I'm not in my 50s yet but I hope it's about a little more than that. And it's so annoying the way so many people in this forum seem to almost revel in the idea that marriage is about "work." If you're truly compatible with your spouse and happy with him/her then of course there will be ups and downs but there shouldn't be that much work. And if I do have to spend the rest of my life working on something, well, that doesn't sound like much of a life.

Same here. Sounds dreadful honestly. But if it works for someone, great. What's not cool is forcing one's choices on someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like others in a previous threat, I'm in a low conflict, friendly marriage that lacks passion and compatibility. It's hard for me to think of my kid having to pack bags and switch houses for the rest of her childhood. She's 7 now. Sure, I wish I could have the opportunity to find someone who truly loves me (and I'm sure my spouse feels the same way), but I would feel so sad for my kid who loves our intact family. We do a lot together as a family now--hikes and activities on weekends, nightly meals, etc. I think we're creating a warm, loving environment for her, and I don't think she understands that my spouse and I aren't happy together. We're truly good activity partners, so she sees us having fun with her on weekends, at meals, etc. We're not compatible emotionally or physically, but we married because we had lots of fun together and it felt like it made sense. We still have fun together, but we're not in love at all.

I'm interested to hear from adults whose parents stayed in a low conflict marriage and divorced later in life.

A decade from now, kids probably won't go to college in the numbers they do now. Something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's parents did this. He found it very hard. One problem was that because they divorced after he was 18 they never had to negotiate how to split holidays, school breaks or money. As a result he ended up in the middle of a fight between them for everything, with both parents guilt tripping him. Where to spend Thanksgiving? Where to spend Christmas? Who would pay his car insurance? Who would pay for new tires? Who would buy him clothes? Who gets to take him out to dinner for parents weekend? Where did he live for summer break? Spring break?

It all got harder again when his parents remarried and then had young step kids who they were raising. That was so awkward. His parents want him to treat them as siblings, but they were strangers who he wasn't at all interested in knowing. He had his own life and wasn't ever part of his parents new families.

My parents divorced my first semester of my sophomore year in college. Honestly, it really sucked. Because I was an adult, they somehow thought it was ok to involve me in their feelings about eiach other and lay on the guilt. I wish they had divorced when I was a kid - I think everyone would have been happier.

DP - my parents divorced when I was in my early 20s and the bolded is spot-on. Once you're 18+, most parents in this situation aren't thinking about how to handle stuff like holidays, whether they talk about their personal lives with you, etc. They want out and they figure you're an adult now, so anything goes. At least in amicable divorces with minor children, these kinds of norms and boundaries are well-established.

OP, I also think you need a reality check about what healthy, long-term marriage looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what having tons of fun together but not being comparable means. I’m not being stupid, I just need to see it spelled out to understand.

I'm not sure why so many ppl are being obtuse. Do you not understand that parents can have fun engaging with their child for an event or activity and having "fun" as a family unit for the sake of their kid? This literally happens all the time - even with divorced parents. You enjoy seeing your kid's joy and you may like the activity - e.g. ski vacation, beach vacation, going to the movies, going to dinner. I like doing all of that and can "have fun" with the other parent.

And having to explain on this particular board is obnoxious given the amount of posts we see about unhappily married couples staying for their kid's sake. Now everyone wants to move the goal post and say "hey you're never allowed to divorce because even your 30 yr old child will be impacted". GTFOH.

I totally understand when someone chooses to stay if there is no outright abuse / drugs, etc. but I also totally get that just because those things don't exist doesn't mean I have to be unhappy for literally my whole life because I should be grateful that someone is willing to be my kind roomie. You all are really losing the plot in this thread. OP is not wrong to not want to be married to someone that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for and is not compatible - sexually, emotionally, intellectually, etc. Being a martyr is what you all want everyone to be and it's ludicrous.

Yes! Agree. The goalposts do keep moving, don't they? Oh, and forcing one's ideas onto someone else.