If your parents lived amicably and then divorced while you were in college, how did you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine divorcing for this reason if I had kids, no matter what age. I’d work on my marriage instead. Companionship with someone you like is a pretty great thing as you enter the second half of your life.

+1 I would not divorce. The grass is NOT always greener. Now if your partner was not pulling his weight with the kids, was lazy, abusive, having an affair, etc. yes I would leave. But it sounds like you want to leave to find a hypothetical “someone else,” who may or may not (probably does not) exist. And keep in mind if you divorce older, let’s say when your kid is 20 and you’re say 50 - you could be in a situation dating a guy who has younger kids. Or a guy who is looking for a “nurse” to take care of him in his older years. Point is it’s not a great situation but what you have sounds like it COULD BE good IF you both worked at it.

[Anonymous]

So walk me through your vows, and what you thought they meant.

[Anonymous]

I was rocked to the core. They divorced when I was a freshman in college. I felt like my entire childhood had been a lie. I was furious at them. It wrecked the trust I had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like others in a previous threat, I'm in a low conflict, friendly marriage that lacks passion and compatibility. It's hard for me to think of my kid having to pack bags and switch houses for the rest of her childhood. She's 7 now. Sure, I wish I could have the opportunity to find someone who truly loves me (and I'm sure my spouse feels the same way), but I would feel so sad for my kid who loves our intact family. We do a lot together as a family now--hikes and activities on weekends, nightly meals, etc. I think we're creating a warm, loving environment for her, and I don't think she understands that my spouse and I aren't happy together. We're truly good activity partners, so she sees us having fun with her on weekends, at meals, etc. We're not compatible emotionally or physically, but we married because we had lots of fun together and it felt like it made sense. We still have fun together, but we're not in love at all.

I'm interested to hear from adults whose parents stayed in a low conflict marriage and divorced later in life.

What does not physically compatible mean? A warm loving environment for your child and fun is quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

You should divorce now but live near each other so your child can go back and forth easily.

Not sure if you mentioned how old you are but you shouldn’t waste these years waiting. Plus if you divorce when she leaves for college she will know that you were putting on a show for her throughout her childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine divorcing for this reason if I had kids, no matter what age. I’d work on my marriage instead. Companionship with someone you like is a pretty great thing as you enter the second half of your life.

This.
100%
You are lucky to be living with a spouse who you get along with and have fun with.

+1000. You sound lazy. Get some marriage counseling instead. There is no Prince Charming out there. It’s a lie you are telling yourself bc you don’t want to do the work. And your poor daughter will be collateral damage!

[Anonymous]

My children both seem happy and say they feel bad that my ex and I stuck together for so long. My ex and I try VERY HARD not to let the kids see conflict between us and fortunately there isn't much conflict. We can still spend holidays together in a way that allows both parents to participate. The divorce process was not very contentious (quick negotiation with no fighting in court). I think the did benefit from having a stable home during younger years and teen years, but other arrangements also could have been ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like others in a previous threat, I'm in a low conflict, friendly marriage that lacks passion and compatibility. It's hard for me to think of my kid having to pack bags and switch houses for the rest of her childhood. She's 7 now. Sure, I wish I could have the opportunity to find someone who truly loves me (and I'm sure my spouse feels the same way), but I would feel so sad for my kid who loves our intact family. We do a lot together as a family now--hikes and activities on weekends, nightly meals, etc. I think we're creating a warm, loving environment for her, and I don't think she understands that my spouse and I aren't happy together. We're truly good activity partners, so she sees us having fun with her on weekends, at meals, etc. We're not compatible emotionally or physically, but we married because we had lots of fun together and it felt like it made sense. We still have fun together, but we're not in love at all.

I'm interested to hear from adults whose parents stayed in a low conflict marriage and divorced later in life.

You have a great marriage and you are throwing it away because you watched too many rom-coms as a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's parents did this. He found it very hard. One problem was that because they divorced after he was 18 they never had to negotiate how to split holidays, school breaks or money. As a result he ended up in the middle of a fight between them for everything, with both parents guilt tripping him. Where to spend Thanksgiving? Where to spend Christmas? Who would pay his car insurance? Who would pay for new tires? Who would buy him clothes? Who gets to take him out to dinner for parents weekend? Where did he live for summer break? Spring break?

It all got harder again when his parents remarried and then had young step kids who they were raising. That was so awkward. His parents want him to treat them as siblings, but they were strangers who he wasn't at all interested in knowing. He had his own life and wasn't ever part of his parents new families.

My parents divorced my first semester of my sophomore year in college. Honestly, it really sucked. Because I was an adult, they somehow thought it was ok to involve me in their feelings about eiach other and lay on the guilt. I wish they had divorced when I was a kid - I think everyone would have been happier.

[Anonymous]

What have you tried OP? Marriage is really hard. In my experience going to counseling together for at least a year helped us figure out how to deal with the times like these in our marriage. Marriage has peaks and valleys.

[Anonymous]

It happened to me and yes, it was hard, but it would have been hard at any age. I never felt like my childhood was a lie, at all, because I knew all along my parents weren't that happy with each other. It was better for me to grow up in one home and without step-relatives. You can be a minor child of divorce and then an adult child of divorce, or you can be just an adult child of divorce. And I personally think just one of those things is better than two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter how old children are when their parents divorce.

Facts are this: Even if your DC are in college when you divorce it will never be easy. In fact, it may actually be harder - especially if you plan to have another partner/spouse at some point. Which seems to be your goal since you are in a passionless marriage and want to be "in love".

Be prepared your child (no matter how old) will have a very, very difficult time accepting you and your spouse's new partners. This will cause conflict.

You may find the love of your life who you are so much more compatible with but what will you do when your daughter tells you she hates them and wants nothing to do with them - no matter how old she gets. And she does the same with your ex's new partner.

There are people in their 70s and 80s who repartner/remarry and have adult kids who are vehemently opposed to such relationships.

Once you've had a child with someone it fundamentally changes any potential relationships you might have in the future.

Consider that before you fundamentally change the family you have.

I actually agree with a lot of this. I’m in a situation where my GFs kids don’t seem to like me all that much for no apparent reason other than I’m dating their mom. It has definitely complicated our relationship.

[Anonymous]

I’m curious as to what having tons of fun together but not being comparable means. I’m not being stupid, I just need to see it spelled out to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to what having tons of fun together but not being comparable means. I’m not being stupid, I just need to see it spelled out to understand.

+1 It sounds like you have some romantic ideal of what the perfect partner would be. That early "in love" spark part of a relationship never really lasts. Comfortable companionship, fun times, good living partners is a good long term marriage.

[Anonymous]

DW here with 2 kids. I divorced so I wouldn’t be married to my XH not so I could be with some unknown other man. My marriage and day to day life became intolerable.

OP - answer for yourself whether you want to be with your DH.