Discipline for excessive crying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think testing her for SN (ASD?) is a good idea. Sounds like high rigidity, not being able to deal with transition/uncertainty/change of imaginary plan (like she THINKS you will make her a sandwich or give a donut and then it doesn’t happen).
Good luck!

Not everything is ASD. She is having a temper tantrum because it works.

No, you misunderstand. I have never ever given her what she’s demanding during these times.

[Anonymous]

A couple thoughts for you, from someone who has gone through toddler hell and come out the other side.

She will literally cry for hours until and unless you do exactly what she wants or I get so frustrated I distract/redirect her, which only works some of the time.

This makes me wonder how often you change your no to a yes. Or if you can sometimes be worn down to start offering bribes (“Want more snack? Would watching a show help you feel better? If you stop crying, you can go with Mommy to Starbucks and get a hot chocolate.”) Basically, I wonder if what started as legitimate high-needs behavior is getting reinforced and rewarded.

You also mention that she will follow you from room to room, weeping wailing. What happens when she does? Do you interact with her? (“Larla, you need to stop crying. Larla! Take deep breaths. Larla, let’s breathe together. Iiiiin and ouuuuuuut.”) Or do you cheerfully go about your business? (“Mommy is going into the family room to fold this laundry. Hmmm, I wonder where the other blue sock is.”)

My two cents would be to help her name her feelings (“You’re thinking about how good a sandwich would taste right now, and are frustrated that I can’t make one while I’m driving”), but don’t get sucked into the theatricality they generate. Acknowledge them, but don’t try to solve them. (“I like sandwiches too. Wouldn’t it be great if we could push a button in the car and have it make us a sandwich?”)

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” is an oldie but a goodie. Consistency is hard, but so important. Above all, don’t negotiate with terrorists. Give her tons of attention when she’s calm, but grey rock when the dramatics start.

[Anonymous]

You don’t discipline this, OP. Which I think is fairly obvious? My child was like yours an has autism, anxiety, and ADHD (diagnosed when she was 6.) Your daughter is communicating to you that she’s not ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think testing her for SN (ASD?) is a good idea. Sounds like high rigidity, not being able to deal with transition/uncertainty/change of imaginary plan (like she THINKS you will make her a sandwich or give a donut and then it doesn’t happen).
Good luck!

Agree with this. My ASD daughter was exactly the way you’re describing, OP. Including being very high needs from birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple thoughts for you, from someone who has gone through toddler hell and come out the other side.

She will literally cry for hours until and unless you do exactly what she wants or I get so frustrated I distract/redirect her, which only works some of the time.

This makes me wonder how often you change your no to a yes. Or if you can sometimes be worn down to start offering bribes (“Want more snack? Would watching a show help you feel better? If you stop crying, you can go with Mommy to Starbucks and get a hot chocolate.”) Basically, I wonder if what started as legitimate high-needs behavior is getting reinforced and rewarded.

You also mention that she will follow you from room to room, weeping wailing. What happens when she does? Do you interact with her? (“Larla, you need to stop crying. Larla! Take deep breaths. Larla, let’s breathe together. Iiiiin and ouuuuuuut.”) Or do you cheerfully go about your business? (“Mommy is going into the family room to fold this laundry. Hmmm, I wonder where the other blue sock is.”)

My two cents would be to help her name her feelings (“You’re thinking about how good a sandwich would taste right now, and are frustrated that I can’t make one while I’m driving”), but don’t get sucked into the theatricality they generate. Acknowledge them, but don’t try to solve them. (“I like sandwiches too. Wouldn’t it be great if we could push a button in the car and have it make us a sandwich?”)

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” is an oldie but a goodie. Consistency is hard, but so important. Above all, don’t negotiate with terrorists. Give her tons of attention when she’s calm, but grey rock when the dramatics start.

I’m one of the posters above with an ASD daughter and How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen and other books that suggest naming feelings does NOT work for my child. Honestly, none of the typical parenting advice works for her. She has a nervous system disability, and you have to do everything differently. Once I did, everything got better, but I didn’t start doing things differently until my daughter was 4 and it nearly killed us. I’m not being dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Are you me?!? I even have a 27 month old girl who cries nonstop. She cries from 5-7pm every single night which is when it really gets to me. She also cries a lot the rest of the day, but it’s nonstop then. Whining crying, nothing is actually wrong. A lot of days I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. It definitely takes a lot of attention away from my older kids and I can’t ever be with them. She screams “my mommy!” when they come near. High needs is putting it mildly. Luckily mine is a champion napper and sleeper (1-3 and 8-7am) because omg we need that break.

I don’t think anything is wrong with her and no special needs. One of my other kids was similar (maybe 1/3 of this intensity though) and they’re now a wonderful, kind, loving child. Weirdly enough my two difficult ones were fantastic, unicorn babies. I mean sttn by 10 days old, would go whole days without a single cry. They were pure joy as babies. They breastfed themselves into oblivion and just snuggled and slept. I’m paying dearly for it now.

My only solutions are antidepressants and ear plugs. I can recommend the loop ones. I can still hear my other kids talk but it takes the edge off the crying. I was having hearing trouble from all the screaming.

I have worried that the neighbors would call CPS on us because it sounds like I’m non responsive and there’s lots of crying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think testing her for SN (ASD?) is a good idea. Sounds like high rigidity, not being able to deal with transition/uncertainty/change of imaginary plan (like she THINKS you will make her a sandwich or give a donut and then it doesn’t happen).
Good luck!

Not everything is ASD. She is having a temper tantrum because it works.

No, you misunderstand. I have never ever given her what she’s demanding during these times.

Np. I have a kid like this. Some kids are just incredibly hard headed and can stand their ground no matter what. If they want a peanut butter sandwich, they aren’t changing their minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple thoughts for you, from someone who has gone through toddler hell and come out the other side.

She will literally cry for hours until and unless you do exactly what she wants or I get so frustrated I distract/redirect her, which only works some of the time.

This makes me wonder how often you change your no to a yes. Or if you can sometimes be worn down to start offering bribes (“Want more snack? Would watching a show help you feel better? If you stop crying, you can go with Mommy to Starbucks and get a hot chocolate.”) Basically, I wonder if what started as legitimate high-needs behavior is getting reinforced and rewarded.

You also mention that she will follow you from room to room, weeping wailing. What happens when she does? Do you interact with her? (“Larla, you need to stop crying. Larla! Take deep breaths. Larla, let’s breathe together. Iiiiin and ouuuuuuut.”) Or do you cheerfully go about your business? (“Mommy is going into the family room to fold this laundry. Hmmm, I wonder where the other blue sock is.”)

My two cents would be to help her name her feelings (“You’re thinking about how good a sandwich would taste right now, and are frustrated that I can’t make one while I’m driving”), but don’t get sucked into the theatricality they generate. Acknowledge them, but don’t try to solve them. (“I like sandwiches too. Wouldn’t it be great if we could push a button in the car and have it make us a sandwich?”)

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” is an oldie but a goodie. Consistency is hard, but so important. Above all, don’t negotiate with terrorists. Give her tons of attention when she’s calm, but grey rock when the dramatics start.

I’m one of the posters above with an ASD daughter and How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen and other books that suggest naming feelings does NOT work for my child. Honestly, none of the typical parenting advice works for her. She has a nervous system disability, and you have to do everything differently. Once I did, everything got better, but I didn’t start doing things differently until my daughter was 4 and it nearly killed us. I’m not being dramatic.

So what did you do differently?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What will help her is growing old enough to develop language skills so that she can more clearly communicate her needs and, hopefully, have most of them met.
Try spending the day getting by with the vocabulary of a child who’s barely two, with other people making decisions about pretty much everything you do. Let me know how it goes. This is part of being two. If she only does this with you — perhaps her most reliable caregiver? — it’s a good time to widen her world with play groups, baby sitters, pre-school — chances to enrich her experiences, provide a wider variety of adults and peers, while giving you a break. Win-win. As she gets closer to 3 and her language skills improve, things should quickly get better. Talk with your pediatrician and other parents who have experience with teaching toddlers sign language. My understanding is that it helps many kids — and families— quite a lot when the kids are at an age when what the feelings and thoughts that they want to express far exceed their ability to do so with spoken language.

She is fully verbal and has spoken in grammatically correct sentences since about 20 months. She has the vocabulary of a grade schooler. Not bragging because obviously we have other massive deficits and problems. Just saying that inability to communicate is not the issue. We know EXACTLY what she wants and is feeling.

Should also mention we do already do many mommy-and-me classes and outings. Montessori group, gardening group, story time at the library, meetups with other families, etc. We’re out and about and she’s well socialized. She also goes to a babysitter/nanny 1-2 times a week for a few hours. It has made no difference.

Maybe you're doing too much. Maybe the inconsistency in her schedule is making her upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your TWO year old, not 27 month old. After 18 months, you need to stop using months.

Also, your toddler is crying because you are a jerk.

lol ok! I’m the OP. What have I done that’s so jerk-y?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your TWO year old, not 27 month old. After 18 months, you need to stop using months.

Also, your toddler is crying because you are a jerk.

I don’t describe her as 27 months in casual life. I bothered here because this is a developmental issue and 27 months looks very different from 33 from a development perspective. You sound as angry and irrational as my toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t discipline this, OP. Which I think is fairly obvious? My child was like yours an has autism, anxiety, and ADHD (diagnosed when she was 6.) Your daughter is communicating to you that she’s not ok.

Great. So what do you suggest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple thoughts for you, from someone who has gone through toddler hell and come out the other side.

She will literally cry for hours until and unless you do exactly what she wants or I get so frustrated I distract/redirect her, which only works some of the time.

This makes me wonder how often you change your no to a yes. Or if you can sometimes be worn down to start offering bribes (“Want more snack? Would watching a show help you feel better? If you stop crying, you can go with Mommy to Starbucks and get a hot chocolate.”) Basically, I wonder if what started as legitimate high-needs behavior is getting reinforced and rewarded.

You also mention that she will follow you from room to room, weeping wailing. What happens when she does? Do you interact with her? (“Larla, you need to stop crying. Larla! Take deep breaths. Larla, let’s breathe together. Iiiiin and ouuuuuuut.”) Or do you cheerfully go about your business? (“Mommy is going into the family room to fold this laundry. Hmmm, I wonder where the other blue sock is.”)

My two cents would be to help her name her feelings (“You’re thinking about how good a sandwich would taste right now, and are frustrated that I can’t make one while I’m driving”), but don’t get sucked into the theatricality they generate. Acknowledge them, but don’t try to solve them. (“I like sandwiches too. Wouldn’t it be great if we could push a button in the car and have it make us a sandwich?”)

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” is an oldie but a goodie. Consistency is hard, but so important. Above all, don’t negotiate with terrorists. Give her tons of attention when she’s calm, but grey rock when the dramatics start.

I’m one of the posters above with an ASD daughter and How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen and other books that suggest naming feelings does NOT work for my child. Honestly, none of the typical parenting advice works for her. She has a nervous system disability, and you have to do everything differently. Once I did, everything got better, but I didn’t start doing things differently until my daughter was 4 and it nearly killed us. I’m not being dramatic.

How did you discover the nervous system disability? How did you learn what to do differently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think testing her for SN (ASD?) is a good idea. Sounds like high rigidity, not being able to deal with transition/uncertainty/change of imaginary plan (like she THINKS you will make her a sandwich or give a donut and then it doesn’t happen).
Good luck!

Not everything is ASD. She is having a temper tantrum because it works.

I am a very very easy going mom and my kid never did that. It’s the child not the mom.
Kids who aren’t, well, special, don’t have the need to behave in ways we perceive as difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple thoughts for you, from someone who has gone through toddler hell and come out the other side.

She will literally cry for hours until and unless you do exactly what she wants or I get so frustrated I distract/redirect her, which only works some of the time.

This makes me wonder how often you change your no to a yes. Or if you can sometimes be worn down to start offering bribes (“Want more snack? Would watching a show help you feel better? If you stop crying, you can go with Mommy to Starbucks and get a hot chocolate.”) Basically, I wonder if what started as legitimate high-needs behavior is getting reinforced and rewarded.

You also mention that she will follow you from room to room, weeping wailing. What happens when she does? Do you interact with her? (“Larla, you need to stop crying. Larla! Take deep breaths. Larla, let’s breathe together. Iiiiin and ouuuuuuut.”) Or do you cheerfully go about your business? (“Mommy is going into the family room to fold this laundry. Hmmm, I wonder where the other blue sock is.”)

My two cents would be to help her name her feelings (“You’re thinking about how good a sandwich would taste right now, and are frustrated that I can’t make one while I’m driving”), but don’t get sucked into the theatricality they generate. Acknowledge them, but don’t try to solve them. (“I like sandwiches too. Wouldn’t it be great if we could push a button in the car and have it make us a sandwich?”)

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” is an oldie but a goodie. Consistency is hard, but so important. Above all, don’t negotiate with terrorists. Give her tons of attention when she’s calm, but grey rock when the dramatics start.

I never offer bribes, and I never ever change no to yes. I do sometimes eventually redirect, which I thought I wasn’t supposed to do because you’re supposed to give them a chance to self-regulate.

While she’s crying and following me, I’m usually trying to ignore while occasionally acknowledging and affirming: “You’re so Upset I won’t sit on the floor and hold your bear for you.” Yes. That’s very hard.”