Discipline for excessive crying

[Anonymous]

Hard to hear, but here goes. She’s like this with only you because she is responding to your stress/anxiety. You have every right to be overwhelmed, exhausted, and feel like the situation is hopeless. But remember that she feels every bit of that. Unfortunately this is a pattern that will be really hard to get out of on your own. There is a ton of help available and you’ll feel less crazy if you consult a parent coach to help you get through this. Read about co-regulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think testing her for SN (ASD?) is a good idea. Sounds like high rigidity, not being able to deal with transition/uncertainty/change of imaginary plan (like she THINKS you will make her a sandwich or give a donut and then it doesn’t happen).
Good luck!

I was thinking the same thing—have you filled out the ASQ-SE? That could help you determine whether you should pursue an eval by a child development specialist. This sounds outside the norm from what you’ve described. I know you’ve ruled out physical things but did you rule out developmental causes?

We have not. I have told her pediatrician this many times, but because she’s so normal around others I think they don’t take me seriously. I’ll Google whether I can take that assessment ourselves or whether it’s through the ped. Thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard to hear, but here goes. She’s like this with only you because she is responding to your stress/anxiety. You have every right to be overwhelmed, exhausted, and feel like the situation is hopeless. But remember that she feels every bit of that. Unfortunately this is a pattern that will be really hard to get out of on your own. There is a ton of help available and you’ll feel less crazy if you consult a parent coach to help you get through this. Read about co-regulation.

OP here. I do not doubt this at all. But that’s part of what I’m asking for: what are the best resources for her AND for me to self regulate better to deal with a child like this? I’m failing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your TWO year old, not 27 month old. After 18 months, you need to stop using months.

Also, your toddler is crying because you are a jerk.

There is a HUGE difference between a 24 month old and a 36 month old. Months matter — until at least 4, although after 3, quarters (3 and a half) are fine. This matters because developmental norms and expectations matter quite a lot, but even more when formulating recommendations for young children.

OP : At some point, it might be useful if you could get a child development specialist / child psychologist to observe your daughter’s behavior and interactions with you, possibly even at home. I say this because it might change their suggestions and your interventions.

Someone asked where you live, and I get your reluctance to be specific. I’ll simply say that in NYC I might see if the Bank Street School for Children can make recommendations. I’d also think about the Yale Child Study Center , Children’s Hospital in DC and the NYU Child Study Center— as possible starting points, in part because they can provide multi-disciplinary assessments, should that be needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard to hear, but here goes. She’s like this with only you because she is responding to your stress/anxiety. You have every right to be overwhelmed, exhausted, and feel like the situation is hopeless. But remember that she feels every bit of that. Unfortunately this is a pattern that will be really hard to get out of on your own. There is a ton of help available and you’ll feel less crazy if you consult a parent coach to help you get through this. Read about co-regulation.

OP here. I do not doubt this at all. But that’s part of what I’m asking for: what are the best resources for her AND for me to self regulate better to deal with a child like this? I’m failing.

You’re not failing. You’re a great mom trying to find a solution to this problem.

[Anonymous]

OP are you busy and do you work?

[Anonymous]

Question: OP, I’m curious. Does your daughter have any transitional objects or behaviors that she uses to soothe and comfort herself? A stuffed toy, or blanket, or even something she puts in her mouth?

[Anonymous]

She sounds autistic, the high-functioning kind. There are variants where the child is oppositional like this.

She absolutely needs a full neuro-developmental evaluation. Ask for a referral to a developmental pediatrician, get on several waitlists if need be.

I know you're at the end of your rope. I would be too. Please don't hurt your child. This is what desperate parents do.

Best of luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard to hear, but here goes. She’s like this with only you because she is responding to your stress/anxiety. You have every right to be overwhelmed, exhausted, and feel like the situation is hopeless. But remember that she feels every bit of that. Unfortunately this is a pattern that will be really hard to get out of on your own. There is a ton of help available and you’ll feel less crazy if you consult a parent coach to help you get through this. Read about co-regulation.

no, she’s not responding only to the mother. you must have missed the part where the nanny quit …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think testing her for SN (ASD?) is a good idea. Sounds like high rigidity, not being able to deal with transition/uncertainty/change of imaginary plan (like she THINKS you will make her a sandwich or give a donut and then it doesn’t happen).
Good luck!

I was thinking the same thing—have you filled out the ASQ-SE? That could help you determine whether you should pursue an eval by a child development specialist. This sounds outside the norm from what you’ve described. I know you’ve ruled out physical things but did you rule out developmental causes?

We have not. I have told her pediatrician this many times, but because she’s so normal around others I think they don’t take me seriously. I’ll Google whether I can take that assessment ourselves or whether it’s through the ped. Thanks

Yes. High functioning/high Iq/highly verbal kiddos appear NT in short bursts in novel environments with distractions. That is normal! (And promising too down the line.) When you get an actual evaluation they will ask you a lot of questions about her behavior at home and will not rely on very brief observations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She sounds autistic, the high-functioning kind. There are variants where the child is oppositional like this.

She absolutely needs a full neuro-developmental evaluation. Ask for a referral to a developmental pediatrician, get on several waitlists if need be.

I know you're at the end of your rope. I would be too. Please don't hurt your child. This is what desperate parents do.

Best of luck, OP.

Wish to add, she acts this way with you, because you are her safe person, the one she doesn't need to mask around.
Masking is frequent in autistic people.
My friend's child had similar troubles as a kid. She has a complex diagnosis with ADHD, anxiety and autism in the mix. She's defiant and hyper-emotional with her mother, but acts practically normal with everyone else.
My own child, who cried and vomited a lot when younger, but has never been demanding or defiant, has ADHD, autism and anxiety. He acts the same way towards everyone. These two kids have the same diagnoses on paper but have very different personalities.

Please get an evaluation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard to hear, but here goes. She’s like this with only you because she is responding to your stress/anxiety. You have every right to be overwhelmed, exhausted, and feel like the situation is hopeless. But remember that she feels every bit of that. Unfortunately this is a pattern that will be really hard to get out of on your own. There is a ton of help available and you’ll feel less crazy if you consult a parent coach to help you get through this. Read about co-regulation.

no, she’s not responding only to the mother. you must have missed the part where the nanny quit …

That was when she was a baby because she cried relentlessly for anyone but me. She still won’t accept anyone but me helping at night or putting her to bed. But she’s now perfectly happy and well behaved during the day for her part-time nanny, my husband, Montessori teacher…anyone but me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: OP, I’m curious. Does your daughter have any transitional objects or behaviors that she uses to soothe and comfort herself? A stuffed toy, or blanket, or even something she puts in her mouth?

I wish. Rejected pacifier at 4 months, doesn’t thumb suck, weirdly has never accepted a lovey or a single stuffed animal (she has many and loves them, but has no one favorite). I am her “lovey.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you busy and do you work?

Not sure what you mean by “busy” but no, I quit to stay home with this toddler.

[Anonymous]

To all those saying autistic, that makes me really sad, but I’ve always thought it was a real possibility. So thanks for those comments. We’ll get her evaluated when she’s a little older.

Any suggestions on how to handle The crying in the meantime?