What to say to relative who drinks too much when visiting?

[Anonymous]

All these posts with recommendations about how to tip toe around an alcoholic who sounds like a mean drunk around children are ridiculous. Don’t stir the pot! Don’t make her mad. Don’t take the booze. Games! Secrets! But what should I say if she confronts me?

All of this enables her behavior, every day. Why? Why are people bending and twisting themselves into knots for an addict? What a nice example for OP’s teens!

If this were me (and it has been, with my uncle), I would leave if it were someone else’s house and if it were my house I would kick them out. If you ask me, I’m not going to lie or sugar coat it for you. My uncle was escorted out at my wedding by the off duty police officer who was hired by the venue which was their policy. I never spoke to him again.

Boundaries, protecting your children and showing them good examples are much better than enabling, sweeping things under the rug and not saying anything.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a wise expression, you don't need to join every fight you are invited to.

Particularly true re: your SIL. It sounds like you are already a pro at not engaging, good job, keep it up!

I hope you and your kids enjoy the cousins and your DH can connect with his brother. If you take the kids to a film, escape room, ice rink, etc., come back and give us a mini review.

[Anonymous]

You can try the no-booze-in-the-house thing once and it'll probably trigger a meltdown or she'll go get some. The next time, she'll come prepared with her own stash.

Trying to stop her from drinking is a really risky strategy. If it's a multi-day visit, she might go into withdrawal. If you're really going to not give her any and expect her to just cope, be prepared for emotional meltdowns, shakes, vomiting, etc. People love to ask "why can't you just stop for this special holiday weekend" and this is why-- because the withdrawal symptoms are equally socially unacceptable. So if you really aren't going to give her any, either she's going to find a way to get some or she's going to have "the flu" and need to go home or to the ER.

[Anonymous]

OP: Thank you all so much. I cannot tell you how all of this advice has gotten me through the day. My 19year old daughter has just decided to flee the scene for the night and I totally get it. It’s a shame because she’s missing time with her grandparents and cousins, but I love her healthy boundaries. Spent some good time with my SIL this afternoon and made sure she felt how much I care about her. The night is turning and it’s sadly only 7:40, but I’m reminding myself that she has no control. And that I have even less control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP: you’re totally right. I’m ready. I just need the words to use. And I’m not sure how to respond when she says that I’m wrong if nuts/or just don’t like her. She yells at her husband too when she drinks. Should I say something to him first?

Your husband is the one who needs to have this conversation with his brother.

Your DH: Brother, I'm sorry but we can't have you over anymore if SIL continues to drink in our home. It's disruptive (etc). I understand this must be very hard for you, but we have to draw this line in the sand going forward. We do hope you'll celebrate with us in the future, but only if SIL doesn't drink.



Your DH must be on board for this to happen, and he needs to be the one to have the conversation.

This is the right answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can try the no-booze-in-the-house thing once and it'll probably trigger a meltdown or she'll go get some. The next time, she'll come prepared with her own stash.

Trying to stop her from drinking is a really risky strategy. If it's a multi-day visit, she might go into withdrawal. If you're really going to not give her any and expect her to just cope, be prepared for emotional meltdowns, shakes, vomiting, etc. People love to ask "why can't you just stop for this special holiday weekend" and this is why-- because the withdrawal symptoms are equally socially unacceptable. So if you really aren't going to give her any, either she's going to find a way to get some or she's going to have "the flu" and need to go home or to the ER.

This. Alcoholics can die from alcohol withdrawl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people who recommend being direct just like stirring things up. Nothing good will come of you telling your SIL about her behavior. Maybe it will feel good to you to “speak your truth” but the relationship between the families will be severed, even if her husband agrees that she can’t handle her alcohol. Either don’t serve alcohol when she’s around or come up with some other reason for not hosting that won’t make them stop speaking to you forever.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you just cut everyone off at a certain point?

Announce that anyone drinking at your house will be cut off after the second bottle of wine or whatever her preference is. Three shots and done, etc.. Want more? Stay elsewhere.

Alcoholics will drink regardless. They will bring alcohol and sneak drink or drive out and get it.

My Dad crashed to the floor dead drunk at 10:00 am Christmas Day. I did not serve the alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: What should I say tonight if she confronts me about avoiding her/not engaging? I think we are going to try to just get through this last night and make some adjustments about when we see her in the future. I just need a plan for what I say/do tonight. Should I say that I’m happy to discuss it in the morning, but I won’t be talking about it right now? Should I ask her husband in a nice way to intervene in the short term?

Betty, you have a drinking problem and you're a mean drunk. Leave my children alone or I will make Bob take you to a hotel for the night. You can't control your liquor, but you better control your mouth. Don't push me in my own house.

Terrible.

ITA. We've gone from a houseguest that drinks too much on her very infrequent visits to diagnosing her with a terrible drinking problem and antagonizing her.

Surely BIL can be pulled aside during the day and his own brother can mention it. Or you can be direct, but polite: "Larla, I think you've had too much to drink. We should talk in the morning." And then do talk in the morning.

If you do want screaming, go with the above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can try the no-booze-in-the-house thing once and it'll probably trigger a meltdown or she'll go get some. The next time, she'll come prepared with her own stash.

Trying to stop her from drinking is a really risky strategy. If it's a multi-day visit, she might go into withdrawal. If you're really going to not give her any and expect her to just cope, be prepared for emotional meltdowns, shakes, vomiting, etc. People love to ask "why can't you just stop for this special holiday weekend" and this is why-- because the withdrawal symptoms are equally socially unacceptable. So if you really aren't going to give her any, either she's going to find a way to get some or she's going to have "the flu" and need to go home or to the ER.

This. Alcoholics can die from alcohol withdrawl.

Jesus, this thread has gone off the rails.

[Anonymous]

This thread is silly. If she was such an issue it should have been addressed before inviting her again. It seems like OP likes drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would serve a mixed cocktail drink or punch and make hers light on the alcohol. Get your husband in on the game so he helps. Break out wine and beer last or late into the night.

So say nothing and keep giving the aggressive alcoholic alcohol, got it. Sounds like a sound plan for change.

[Anonymous]

Go to bed early. You are "under the weather". Take laptop and watch netflix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Stop inviting them.
-Stop going to the celebration where they’re going to be.
-Tell the person that they ruin every holiday when they get drunk and pick fights and that’s why you’re not attending or not inviting them.

If you think there is an easy solution here, there isn’t. This person is allowed to continue with this behavior because you and others don’t do anything. Either cut them out or cut yourself out. Those are your choices. If you don’t want to do either of those, then you forfeit your right to be bothered by it because you’re enabling it.

OP: you’re totally right. I’m ready. I just need the words to use. And I’m not sure how to respond when she says that I’m wrong if nuts/or just don’t like her. She yells at her husband too when she drinks. Should I say something to him first?

Not the person you are responding to, but are others in the family on the same page as you or are they enablers? If they are enablers, they may take her side, which is fine, but be prepared for a much needed rift. You may want to prepare in therapy if you think it will tear the family apart. Regardless, you simply calmly tell her you care about her and you are very concerned. Then explain why you cannot invite her until she is has achieved sobriety. Expect denial. Expect anger. Expect her to play the victim and make you the bad guy. Remain calm and get off the phone. Be prepared to be a back sheep because you had the audacity to sound the alarms. Don't be surprised if things get worse for her and people try to blame you. Dysfunctional families gonna be dysfunctional until people get help.

[Anonymous]

Don’t say anything about this to them. It’s dangerous.

If they become too agitated or make your family uncomfortable with their behavior, leave.