What to say to relative who drinks too much when visiting?

[Anonymous]

For the sake of her kids I’d try to keep a relationship. It’s really hard to grow up with an alcoholic parent. Can you drop them off at the movies or something when she starts to get out of hand? Anything to get them away from her and if all the teens are doing it together (ie teen only) then there’s no need for her to come along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dry holidays. She’ll be too bored and shaky to stay up.

You really can’t be this naive to think that an alcoholic won’t figure out how to bring/get their own liquor. My dad would visit with his own vodka and oj to drink at 6am.

NP. This exactly. My fil and sil each drink glasses of vodka the way the rest of us drink glasses of water, no exaggeration. Us not having it on hand would only mean that they stop at the liquor store on the way to our house. My sil has laughed in my face when I've tried to remove a hydroflask full of vodka and ice before she gets behind the wheel, and then take her keys. And guess what: I'm looked at as the uptight teetotaler in the family.

Point being, people who want to drink will find a way to drink. The only thing we can do is limit the access they have to us and our time. (And call the police if they drive under the influence.) We don't host whole-family gatherings anymore because neither DH or I could take it.

[Anonymous]

OP: What should I say tonight if she confronts me about avoiding her/not engaging? I think we are going to try to just get through this last night and make some adjustments about when we see her in the future. I just need a plan for what I say/do tonight. Should I say that I’m happy to discuss it in the morning, but I won’t be talking about it right now? Should I ask her husband in a nice way to intervene in the short term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the sake of her kids I’d try to keep a relationship. It’s really hard to grow up with an alcoholic parent. Can you drop them off at the movies or something when she starts to get out of hand? Anything to get them away from her and if all the teens are doing it together (ie teen only) then there’s no need for her to come along.

This.

And encourage Al Anon and Alateen for BIL and his kids.

I'd take one for the team on this one, OP. You CANNOT change SIL and BIL and kids need support not a disrupted relationship. What you object to for a few days once a year is their reality 365. I'd try to see the bigger picture esp re: the kids.

Your DH can talk to his brother, ask how he/you can support.

Alcoholism is a horrible disease that impacts the whole family.

[Anonymous]

I am a child of an alcoholic and grew up around so many relatives drunk on the regular. I do not allow my children to be around ANY of them. Full stop. No apologies, and if you ask why, I will be direct. I don’t want my children around heavy drinkers for any length of time. Period. Non-negotiable.

I wouldn’t care if it were an in-law or if they were a guest in my house. I seriously would remove ALL of the alcohol right now if she’s staying with you. Am I over the top, maybe but I don’t care. I had no agency over my surroundings as a kid. I hated seeing my relatives and mother drunk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: What should I say tonight if she confronts me about avoiding her/not engaging? I think we are going to try to just get through this last night and make some adjustments about when we see her in the future. I just need a plan for what I say/do tonight. Should I say that I’m happy to discuss it in the morning, but I won’t be talking about it right now? Should I ask her husband in a nice way to intervene in the short term?

I would just walk away. And engage with the kids or take the cousins + kids out at that point.

It's not about words or info, OP.

You can control your reaction, you can control what experiences you give the kids.

I would not allow her to escalate and cause a scene. So just drop the rope. And no, triangulating BIL in is not great either. Model kind but firm non-engagement to the kids.

If you take the kids all out to a movie it will create a nice memory and you won't be there to fight with. Alkies LOVE to create scenes and drama and then play the victim. It hugely sucks for their kids. My extended family, who I only saw once or twice a year, had a HUGE impact on me and my ability to grow into a somewhat normal adult. Focus on the kids and controlling yourself, take the focus off SIL. Maybe the kids would like an escape room, or something else, make that plan, and just go. DH and BIL can hang out with SIL for an evening.

[Anonymous]

Can you invite the kids to come to your house without the parents? Then let your DH visit his BIL alone at their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: What should I say tonight if she confronts me about avoiding her/not engaging? I think we are going to try to just get through this last night and make some adjustments about when we see her in the future. I just need a plan for what I say/do tonight. Should I say that I’m happy to discuss it in the morning, but I won’t be talking about it right now? Should I ask her husband in a nice way to intervene in the short term?

I would just walk away. And engage with the kids or take the cousins + kids out at that point.

It's not about words or info, OP.

You can control your reaction, you can control what experiences you give the kids.

I would not allow her to escalate and cause a scene. So just drop the rope. And no, triangulating BIL in is not great either. Model kind but firm non-engagement to the kids.

If you take the kids all out to a movie it will create a nice memory and you won't be there to fight with. Alkies LOVE to create scenes and drama and then play the victim. It hugely sucks for their kids. My extended family, who I only saw once or twice a year, had a HUGE impact on me and my ability to grow into a somewhat normal adult. Focus on the kids and controlling yourself, take the focus off SIL. Maybe the kids would like an escape room, or something else, make that plan, and just go. DH and BIL can hang out with SIL for an evening.

Not me! When I drink by myself, I prefer to be alone (G. Thorogood).

[Anonymous]

1.) Don't serve alcohol

2.) If you do serve and she overdoes it, just say in a flat, unemotional voice in front of everyone, do you realize you have had 9 (fill in the blank) drinks and everyone else has had 1 or 2?

[Anonymous]

“You didn’t cause it; you can’t control it, you can’t change it; you can’t cure it.”

PP’s have made multiple good suggestions.

I’ve had success with giving myself an escape hatch when dealing with couples or groups that include people who can’t behave themselves.

Declare all holidays and celebrations “nuclear family only.” Even if your friends and relatives aren’t problematic, you’ll be glad you did.

See third parties only at neutral locations — restaurants, bowling alleys, the mall, even a bar. Take your own car. When things become intolerable excuse yourself to get some air or whatever and just keep on going.

Variations on this theme that I’ve used include taking a hotel nearby when visiting friends with troublesome family members instead of staying over at the friends’ house, and arranging for a tantrum-prone family member to have a dedicated driver at gatherings, so they could leave any time they wanted to without disrupting others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: She is my sister in law and is staying with us. Don’t want to keep my husband from his brother, but she ruins every trip. What do I say to her today? Pretend like nothing happened or tell her I’m concerned? Or tell her why I wasn’t interacting with her last night.

Your husband needs to deal with his brother. Let them resolve it. One way to send a clear message is to not have any alcohol in your house when she visits.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws used to show up with a two liter bottle of gin and start drinking at 11am. They think this is totally normal as they do it at home and have for decades, they are quintessential WASPs.

I told DH that as guests in our home they needed to follow our rules, otherwise they wouldn’t be invited. He spoke to them and they thought we were too uptight so we don’t invite them anymore.

It’s really stressful to be around people who are always loud and drunk. Their behavior doesn’t get better when they’re drunk, it only gets worse. I don’t want to my kids to think that alcoholism is normal or acceptable.

Your house your rules just have your husband speak to his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dry holidays. She’ll be too bored and shaky to stay up.

You really can’t be this naive to think that an alcoholic won’t figure out how to bring/get their own liquor. My dad would visit with his own vodka and oj to drink at 6am.

Oh no, I don’t expect them not to bring their own booze. But it makes it very clear and easier to address when they’re the only one that’s doing it (even if it’s in hiding/camouflaged).

[Anonymous]

OP: Thank you all so much. This thread has really helped me today. I’ve had so much anxiety about tonight and I feel like I’ll be able to handle it. Keeping the focus on my niece and nephew is the plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1.) Don't serve alcohol

2.) If you do serve and she overdoes it, just say in a flat, unemotional voice in front of everyone, do you realize you have had 9 (fill in the blank) drinks and everyone else has had 1 or 2?

Ugh, don’t punish everyone else because she’s a lush.