What to say to relative who drinks too much when visiting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: She is my sister in law and is staying with us. Don’t want to keep my husband from his brother, but she ruins every trip. What do I say to her today? Pretend like nothing happened or tell her I’m concerned? Or tell her why I wasn’t interacting with her last night.

Does your husband agree this is a problem? Can this be the last
Time they stay with you?

OP: DH sees it 100%. They don’t often come here so there’s a chance I could get away with not having to deal with it for another full year. But I’ll just dread the next time. I also really worry for her husband. She’s awful to him when she drinks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Stop inviting them.
-Stop going to the celebration where they’re going to be.
-Tell the person that they ruin every holiday when they get drunk and pick fights and that’s why you’re not attending or not inviting them.

If you think there is an easy solution here, there isn’t. This person is allowed to continue with this behavior because you and others don’t do anything. Either cut them out or cut yourself out. Those are your choices. If you don’t want to do either of those, then you forfeit your right to be bothered by it because you’re enabling it.

OP: you’re totally right. I’m ready. I just need the words to use. And I’m not sure how to respond when she says that I’m wrong if nuts/or just don’t like her. She yells at her husband too when she drinks. Should I say something to him first?

There are several different ways to approach this. Choose what you think will work best:

-DH talks to his brother (BIL) and tells him that he needs to speak to his wife about her excessive drinking before the next visit. And then DH follows up to make sure it's happened;
-You talk to BIL first:
-You quietly pull SIL aside and be direct but kind;
-You start restricting the type/amount of alcohol kept in the house;

Or any combo of the above. SIL is more likely to listen to the message when she's not drinking, so I would not engage her while she has been drinking.

[Anonymous]

Brene Brown talks about drawing boundaries around this with a neighbor who always became sloppy drunk at Brene’s parties. The fact that yours is family takes it up a notch, but it still might be a helpful listen.

https://podclips.com/c/why-bren-told-an-alcoholic-neighbor-not-to-drink-at-her-christmas-party

[Anonymous]

Who cares? Tipsy and slurring? I mean, you don’t have to live with the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cares? Tipsy and slurring? I mean, you don’t have to live with the person.

OP: I wish it was just tipsy. She’s mean and defensive and loud and I only mention the slurring because it makes it so obvious that her behavior is because she’s drunk. We used to just suffer through it, but my teenage kids (and hers) are now in on the secret unfortunately. Like rants about how boring everyone is because they don’t want to play board games. Not even substantive fights about politics. More like asking the same question multiple times and then getting mad when people remind her that she just asked that. It’s so embarrassing in front of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you just cut everyone off at a certain point?

Announce that anyone drinking at your house will be cut off after the second bottle of wine or whatever her preference is. Three shots and done, etc.. Want more? Stay elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Dry holidays. She’ll be too bored and shaky to stay up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dry holidays. She’ll be too bored and shaky to stay up.

You really can’t be this naive to think that an alcoholic won’t figure out how to bring/get their own liquor. My dad would visit with his own vodka and oj to drink at 6am.

[Anonymous]

I think people who recommend being direct just like stirring things up. Nothing good will come of you telling your SIL about her behavior. Maybe it will feel good to you to “speak your truth” but the relationship between the families will be severed, even if her husband agrees that she can’t handle her alcohol. Either don’t serve alcohol when she’s around or come up with some other reason for not hosting that won’t make them stop speaking to you forever.

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to talk to his brother first. Tell him the behavior cannot be tolerated in your home anymore and your children have noticed. No alcohol starting tonight. If she has a problem with it and has to leave early, you understand. His reaction will be interesting. Either is will tell his brother about her struggles or he will shove it under the rug and tell you her alcohol intake is not that bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people who recommend being direct just like stirring things up. Nothing good will come of you telling your SIL about her behavior. Maybe it will feel good to you to “speak your truth” but the relationship between the families will be severed, even if her husband agrees that she can’t handle her alcohol. Either don’t serve alcohol when she’s around or come up with some other reason for not hosting that won’t make them stop speaking to you forever.

This. Addressing this directly with your SIL will not achieve anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would serve a mixed cocktail drink or punch and make hers light on the alcohol. Get your husband in on the game so he helps. Break out wine and beer last or late into the night.

Yes, my first thought was drastically water down her drinks.

[Anonymous]

Alcoholics travel with bottles in the suitcase.

OP, I'd have your DH handle. I feel for the kids and the relationships of the cousins are important, so I would factor them in. If you are concerned for BIL, just cutting off may not further the goal of an ongoing relationship with him.

You and or DH may want to attend some Al Anon meetings, there are in person or online options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would serve a mixed cocktail drink or punch and make hers light on the alcohol. Get your husband in on the game so he helps. Break out wine and beer last or late into the night.

Yes, my first thought was drastically water down her drinks.

OP: I also think she is sneaking alcohol. But the cocktails she likes are things like martinis. She finds a way to make sure the drinks she drinks are high alcohol content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: She is my sister in law and is staying with us. Don’t want to keep my husband from his brother, but she ruins every trip. What do I say to her today? Pretend like nothing happened or tell her I’m concerned? Or tell her why I wasn’t interacting with her last night.

What does your husband think?