What to say to relative who drinks too much when visiting?

[Anonymous]

Same story every visit. Drinks more than everyone else, slurs words, starts unnecessary fights. I avoid her at night so now I’m the bad guy. My kids are figuring it out. What can I say?

[Anonymous]

If you’re hosting don’t invite her. Otherwise just ignore her or make other plans. It’s difficult to confront another adult about their drinking and if the host continues to have them, there’s not much you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re hosting don’t invite her. Otherwise just ignore her or make other plans. It’s difficult to confront another adult about their drinking and if the host continues to have them, there’s not much you can do.

I think it is a lot more compassionate to tell someone why you can't invite them. Presumably OP cares about her relative. People can deny they have a problem if there are never consequences to their behavior.

[Anonymous]

-Stop inviting them.
-Stop going to the celebration where they’re going to be.
-Tell the person that they ruin every holiday when they get drunk and pick fights and that’s why you’re not attending or not inviting them.

If you think there is an easy solution here, there isn’t. This person is allowed to continue with this behavior because you and others don’t do anything. Either cut them out or cut yourself out. Those are your choices. If you don’t want to do either of those, then you forfeit your right to be bothered by it because you’re enabling it.

[Anonymous]

OP: She is my sister in law and is staying with us. Don’t want to keep my husband from his brother, but she ruins every trip. What do I say to her today? Pretend like nothing happened or tell her I’m concerned? Or tell her why I wasn’t interacting with her last night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:-Stop inviting them.
-Stop going to the celebration where they’re going to be.
-Tell the person that they ruin every holiday when they get drunk and pick fights and that’s why you’re not attending or not inviting them.

If you think there is an easy solution here, there isn’t. This person is allowed to continue with this behavior because you and others don’t do anything. Either cut them out or cut yourself out. Those are your choices. If you don’t want to do either of those, then you forfeit your right to be bothered by it because you’re enabling it.

OP: you’re totally right. I’m ready. I just need the words to use. And I’m not sure how to respond when she says that I’m wrong if nuts/or just don’t like her. She yells at her husband too when she drinks. Should I say something to him first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Stop inviting them.
-Stop going to the celebration where they’re going to be.
-Tell the person that they ruin every holiday when they get drunk and pick fights and that’s why you’re not attending or not inviting them.

If you think there is an easy solution here, there isn’t. This person is allowed to continue with this behavior because you and others don’t do anything. Either cut them out or cut yourself out. Those are your choices. If you don’t want to do either of those, then you forfeit your right to be bothered by it because you’re enabling it.

OP: you’re totally right. I’m ready. I just need the words to use. And I’m not sure how to respond when she says that I’m wrong if nuts/or just don’t like her. She yells at her husband too when she drinks. Should I say something to him first?

Her: You’re wrong. You just don’t like me!
You: This is about your behavior. I’m not subjecting my family to this behavior any more. I don’t expect you to like it or agree with it. I just want you to be surprised.

[Anonymous]

I just DON’T want you to be surprised. ^^^*

[Anonymous]

I think you need to be in agreement with the other adults present that she's an alcoholic, she needs help, and you only want her as a guest when she's sober. If she's disinvited to Holiday gatherings, what's the plan for your husband to socialize with his brother? What is the brother doing about the alcoholism of his wife?

There are no easy answers here, OP, and the first to suffer is her husband and any kids they have.

[Anonymous]

Stop serving alcohol? She might be too self conscious to go buy her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: She is my sister in law and is staying with us. Don’t want to keep my husband from his brother, but she ruins every trip. What do I say to her today? Pretend like nothing happened or tell her I’m concerned? Or tell her why I wasn’t interacting with her last night.

Does your husband agree this is a problem? Can this be the last
Time they stay with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP: you’re totally right. I’m ready. I just need the words to use. And I’m not sure how to respond when she says that I’m wrong if nuts/or just don’t like her. She yells at her husband too when she drinks. Should I say something to him first?

Your husband is the one who needs to have this conversation with his brother.

Your DH: Brother, I'm sorry but we can't have you over anymore if SIL continues to drink in our home. It's disruptive (etc). I understand this must be very hard for you, but we have to draw this line in the sand going forward. We do hope you'll celebrate with us in the future, but only if SIL doesn't drink.



Your DH must be on board for this to happen, and he needs to be the one to have the conversation.

[Anonymous]

I would serve a mixed cocktail drink or punch and make hers light on the alcohol. Get your husband in on the game so he helps. Break out wine and beer last or late into the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: She is my sister in law and is staying with us. Don’t want to keep my husband from his brother, but she ruins every trip. What do I say to her today? Pretend like nothing happened or tell her I’m concerned? Or tell her why I wasn’t interacting with her last night.

You and your DH need to talk with his brother, first. If not this trip, then shortly after. If you want to increase chances of maintaining a relationship with them, you need to explain the problem(s), clearly and compassionately. Then, set whatever boundary you and your husband agree on. As PPs have said, there are no easy solutions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:-Stop inviting them.
-Stop going to the celebration where they’re going to be.
-Tell the person that they ruin every holiday when they get drunk and pick fights and that’s why you’re not attending or not inviting them.

If you think there is an easy solution here, there isn’t. This person is allowed to continue with this behavior because you and others don’t do anything. Either cut them out or cut yourself out. Those are your choices. If you don’t want to do either of those, then you forfeit your right to be bothered by it because you’re enabling it.

OP: you’re totally right. I’m ready. I just need the words to use. And I’m not sure how to respond when she says that I’m wrong if nuts/or just don’t like her. She yells at her husband too when she drinks. Should I say something to him first?

Her: You’re wrong. You just don’t like me!
You: This is about your behavior. I’m not subjecting my family to this behavior any more. I don’t expect you to like it or agree with it. I just want you to be surprised.

OP: this is perfect. Keep it about the behavior.