What to say to relative who drinks too much when visiting?

[Anonymous]

My MIL is an alcoholic. We make sure we don’t stay in the same house, leave by 8ish PM before she gets really drunk, and don’t serve alcohol until dinner if she’s at our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: What should I say tonight if she confronts me about avoiding her/not engaging? I think we are going to try to just get through this last night and make some adjustments about when we see her in the future. I just need a plan for what I say/do tonight. Should I say that I’m happy to discuss it in the morning, but I won’t be talking about it right now? Should I ask her husband in a nice way to intervene in the short term?

Betty, you have a drinking problem and you're a mean drunk. Leave my children alone or I will make Bob take you to a hotel for the night. You can't control your liquor, but you better control your mouth. Don't push me in my own house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: What should I say tonight if she confronts me about avoiding her/not engaging? I think we are going to try to just get through this last night and make some adjustments about when we see her in the future. I just need a plan for what I say/do tonight. Should I say that I’m happy to discuss it in the morning, but I won’t be talking about it right now? Should I ask her husband in a nice way to intervene in the short term?

Betty, you have a drinking problem and you're a mean drunk. Leave my children alone or I will make Bob take you to a hotel for the night. You can't control your liquor, but you better control your mouth. Don't push me in my own house.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: What should I say tonight if she confronts me about avoiding her/not engaging? I think we are going to try to just get through this last night and make some adjustments about when we see her in the future. I just need a plan for what I say/do tonight. Should I say that I’m happy to discuss it in the morning, but I won’t be talking about it right now? Should I ask her husband in a nice way to intervene in the short term?

Betty, you have a drinking problem and you're a mean drunk. Leave my children alone or I will make Bob take you to a hotel for the night. You can't control your liquor, but you better control your mouth. Don't push me in my own house.

Terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you just cut everyone off at a certain point?

Announce that anyone drinking at your house will be cut off after the second bottle of wine or whatever her preference is. Three shots and done, etc.. Want more? Stay elsewhere.

The problem might just be her, not the booze. I had 7 beers at my in laws yesterday (and still feeling it) and I somehow managed to not slur, fight or repeat myself. She might just be a beyotch that gets amplified with wine. I know plenty like her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: What should I say tonight if she confronts me about avoiding her/not engaging? I think we are going to try to just get through this last night and make some adjustments about when we see her in the future. I just need a plan for what I say/do tonight. Should I say that I’m happy to discuss it in the morning, but I won’t be talking about it right now? Should I ask her husband in a nice way to intervene in the short term?

Betty, you have a drinking problem and you're a mean drunk. Leave my children alone or I will make Bob take you to a hotel for the night. You can't control your liquor, but you better control your mouth. Don't push me in my own house.

Or what??? OP is going to knock her SIL out?

No. You don’t say this. As someone else pointed out, this just amps up the drama for the drunk and gives them attention. She will get to play the victim.

Instead disengage. Take the kids out. Pay her no mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to talk to his brother first. Tell him the behavior cannot be tolerated in your home anymore and your children have noticed. No alcohol starting tonight. If she has a problem with it and has to leave early, you understand. His reaction will be interesting. Either is will tell his brother about her struggles or he will shove it under the rug and tell you her alcohol intake is not that bad.

I agree, and know that the brother may not take it well, might defend her or make excuses. He should try it but be aware that this conversation may not go the way you expect but that's part of dealing with an alcoholic, which I'm sure she is. Your BIL has probably experienced her being rude and too drunk on front of other people. He may not know what to do OR he is also a big drinker and likes this status quo because then he doesn't have to face his own issues. Your DH should use a soft approach and be compassionate. But as i said, it may not go well. Alcoholics' behavior affects something like a minimum of 8 people they know. Your family, her family are some of them. Good luck

30+ years sober, have drinking family members

[Anonymous]

She sounds like an alcoholic.

Is your husband close enough to his brother to bring that up sometime? He might appreciate the support around a painful secret.

If not, ask them to stay in a hotel next time (but make sure she is not driving). Or arrange to run out of wine

(And I see this as a teachable moment for your children. The media tend to associate drinking with only positive outcomes)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: What should I say tonight if she confronts me about avoiding her/not engaging? I think we are going to try to just get through this last night and make some adjustments about when we see her in the future. I just need a plan for what I say/do tonight. Should I say that I’m happy to discuss it in the morning, but I won’t be talking about it right now? Should I ask her husband in a nice way to intervene in the short term?

Betty, you have a drinking problem and you're a mean drunk. Leave my children alone or I will make Bob take you to a hotel for the night. You can't control your liquor, but you better control your mouth. Don't push me in my own house.

Terrible.

Yeah, don't do this. Plays into her being a victim. Go to a movie, leave her behind for most of the evening

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like an alcoholic.

Is your husband close enough to his brother to bring that up sometime? He might appreciate the support around a painful secret.

If not, ask them to stay in a hotel next time (but make sure she is not driving). Or arrange to run out of wine

(And I see this as a teachable moment for your children. The media tend to associate drinking with only positive outcomes)

Teachable moment, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Thank you all so much. This thread has really helped me today. I’ve had so much anxiety about tonight and I feel like I’ll be able to handle it. Keeping the focus on my niece and nephew is the plan.

It's a GOOD plan, OP! Is it possible to start a new tradition of the kids flying to visit you for a week in the summer? Anything you can do to given them regular kid experiences and a break could mean so much. Look at how you've been consumed by anxiety around trying to manage SIL for a short time, that is their whole existence, except they are only kids. And fostering ties between your kids and cousins is so important, they are all the future of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: What should I say tonight if she confronts me about avoiding her/not engaging? I think we are going to try to just get through this last night and make some adjustments about when we see her in the future. I just need a plan for what I say/do tonight. Should I say that I’m happy to discuss it in the morning, but I won’t be talking about it right now? Should I ask her husband in a nice way to intervene in the short term?

Betty, you have a drinking problem and you're a mean drunk. Leave my children alone or I will make Bob take you to a hotel for the night. You can't control your liquor, but you better control your mouth. Don't push me in my own house.

Or what??? OP is going to knock her SIL out?

No. You don’t say this. As someone else pointed out, this just amps up the drama for the drunk and gives them attention. She will get to play the victim.

Instead disengage. Take the kids out. Pay her no mind.

Reading is a problem for you. The "or what?" was said above. If she doesn't control her mouth and behavior, you make her husband take her to a hotel for the night. I don't care if it is my brother-in-law and his wife, no one abuses my children in their home and stays. Period. If they don't want to stay in the future because of her drinking problem, so be it. My spouse and brother-in-law can go visit with each other on neutral territory without the families. I am fine if an abusive drunk never visits my house again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a child of an alcoholic and grew up around so many relatives drunk on the regular. I do not allow my children to be around ANY of them. Full stop. No apologies, and if you ask why, I will be direct. I don’t want my children around heavy drinkers for any length of time. Period. Non-negotiable.

I wouldn’t care if it were an in-law or if they were a guest in my house. I seriously would remove ALL of the alcohol right now if she’s staying with you. Am I over the top, maybe but I don’t care. I had no agency over my surroundings as a kid. I hated seeing my relatives and mother drunk.

I’m the same way. Over many years I’ve relented a few times and always regretted it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: What should I say tonight if she confronts me about avoiding her/not engaging? I think we are going to try to just get through this last night and make some adjustments about when we see her in the future. I just need a plan for what I say/do tonight. Should I say that I’m happy to discuss it in the morning, but I won’t be talking about it right now? Should I ask her husband in a nice way to intervene in the short term?

Betty, you have a drinking problem and you're a mean drunk. Leave my children alone or I will make Bob take you to a hotel for the night. You can't control your liquor, but you better control your mouth. Don't push me in my own house.

Since life is not reality tv, no ratings upside in traumatizing all kids present and giving a lesson in drama escalation.

OP, take the kids to a movie. Problem sidestepped. Think of a matador.

[Anonymous]

Does she bring her own alcohol? I’d just have a dry celebration.