Knowledge of my dead parent's long-term affair is incredibly painful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

Agree. Their love and their bad behavior and lies are different things. It's not like they could love only one person at a time. People lie to people they love every day. Be mad at the liar, but no need to question the love.

Please. Most affairs are about sex, not about love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

? None of this has anything to do with "honor" or "cowardice". OP is not owed information about someone else's romantic entanglements, unless it's her spouse's.

You're weird.

OP has the right to know when somebody lies to them. I get it, you are a cheater, and you want to believe your actions do not have consequences. But they do. I'm sorry that your deviant world views have led you to live a life in hiding and full of lies.

People with honor are truthful and only cowards do leave their children, no matter their age, left to find out about their horrible secrets once they have passed... whether it's financial, romantic, or legal.

This is OP.

To be fair to my dead parent (DP), I'm sure they never meant for me to discover the truth. I discovered the affair after my living parent (LP) asked me to go through some of my DP's correspondence for a certain time period and I found a bunch of raunchy/flirty notes that spanned years. I was beyond shocked. And my anger and confusion are distorting the grieving process.

I think my LP knows about only a small portion of the affair and doesn't realize that it went on for years. But I don't know for sure what my LP knows. And I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to be intrusive or, even worse, reveal something that would seriously emotionally harm my LP.

I think you need to reconcile the bolded parts above. Do you think someone is trying not be discovered when they hold onto hard copies of AP’s love letters?

I posted earlier that where is the anger for the LP? If the LP knew, why did LP ask OP to go through the stuff. Could it be because LP would know what was there? (I wouldn't ever ask my kids to go through DH's stuff when he died -- that's weird. I'm also into protecting my kids, and not burdening them while they're grieving.) Also, that means that LP lied as well, but there's not a lot of anger there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

Agree. Their love and their bad behavior and lies are different things. It's not like they could love only one person at a time. People lie to people they love every day. Be mad at the liar, but no need to question the love.

No people do not lie to people they love everyday, but I can see that some people think that is normal behavior. It's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

? None of this has anything to do with "honor" or "cowardice". OP is not owed information about someone else's romantic entanglements, unless it's her spouse's.

You're weird.

OP has the right to know when somebody lies to them. I get it, you are a cheater, and you want to believe your actions do not have consequences. But they do. I'm sorry that your deviant world views have led you to live a life in hiding and full of lies.

People with honor are truthful and only cowards do leave their children, no matter their age, left to find out about their horrible secrets once they have passed... whether it's financial, romantic, or legal.

This is OP.

To be fair to my dead parent (DP), I'm sure they never meant for me to discover the truth. I discovered the affair after my living parent (LP) asked me to go through some of my DP's correspondence for a certain time period and I found a bunch of raunchy/flirty notes that spanned years. I was beyond shocked. And my anger and confusion are distorting the grieving process.

I think my LP knows about only a small portion of the affair and doesn't realize that it went on for years. But I don't know for sure what my LP knows. And I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to be intrusive or, even worse, reveal something that would seriously emotionally harm my LP.

I think you need to reconcile the bolded parts above. Do you think someone is trying not be discovered when they hold onto hard copies of AP’s love letters?

I posted earlier that where is the anger for the LP? If the LP knew, why did LP ask OP to go through the stuff. Could it be because LP would know what was there? (I wouldn't ever ask my kids to go through DH's stuff when he died -- that's weird. I'm also into protecting my kids, and not burdening them while they're grieving.) Also, that means that LP lied as well, but there's not a lot of anger there.

OP here.

Without getting into too much detail, my LP asked me to review certain of my DP's business files. While reviewing the business files, I came across the AP correspondence. I'm certain my LP did not expect the AP correspondence to be mixed in with the business files. I have zero anger toward my LP, who is completely blameless in this situation and I believe was in the dark about the affair's longevity.

My LP is not burdening me at all to ask for help. We are there for each other and I'm happy to do as much as I can during this difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for you. This sounds like something that a therapist might be able to help you untangle. There are so many points of pain and questioning. is your living parent willing to talk about it?

I have never had an affair and I am not condoning them, but I would not question their love for you or, frankly, their spouse. I know an affair would crush me but I can also understand it wouldn't necessarily mean that my husband doesn't love me, as weird as that may sound. Also, I understand that it would crush my children, but I don't think it would say anything about my husband's love for them. Definitely talk to a disinterested third party about this and be able to unload and get some advice on how to handle. I'm so sorry for your loss and your discovery.

So you think your husband can do things that "crush your children" when he is fully aware his actions "crush his children" and that someone who makes decision to not crush their children have the same capacity for love.

No. I know it's a hard pill to swallow but the reality is that person had a lower capacity to love another and that is fine, that is who they are. But pretending they are something they are not doesn't really help. It is a step above a dad who just leaves and starts a new family elsewhere never to return, but it's not as high as a dad who is loving and faithful to his family.

But, yes, a therapist who specializes in mourning has dealt with many family secrets and the hurt it causes. They will help you navigate the relationship you had with the person you thought was your father vs. the person he actually was.

This does not mean there was not good stuff. Also, you can't just harbor a secret like this, you will need to discuss with a therapist the correct person with whom you share this secret and depending on the situation you may keep the card close to the chest but if you fear other will find out and be angry if they know you knew then you might not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

? None of this has anything to do with "honor" or "cowardice". OP is not owed information about someone else's romantic entanglements, unless it's her spouse's.

You're weird.

OP has the right to know when somebody lies to them. I get it, you are a cheater, and you want to believe your actions do not have consequences. But they do. I'm sorry that your deviant world views have led you to live a life in hiding and full of lies.

People with honor are truthful and only cowards do leave their children, no matter their age, left to find out about their horrible secrets once they have passed... whether it's financial, romantic, or legal.

This is OP.

To be fair to my dead parent (DP), I'm sure they never meant for me to discover the truth. I discovered the affair after my living parent (LP) asked me to go through some of my DP's correspondence for a certain time period and I found a bunch of raunchy/flirty notes that spanned years. I was beyond shocked. And my anger and confusion are distorting the grieving process.

I think my LP knows about only a small portion of the affair and doesn't realize that it went on for years. But I don't know for sure what my LP knows. And I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to be intrusive or, even worse, reveal something that would seriously emotionally harm my LP.

I think you need to reconcile the bolded parts above. Do you think someone is trying not be discovered when they hold onto hard copies of AP’s love letters?

I posted earlier that where is the anger for the LP? If the LP knew, why did LP ask OP to go through the stuff. Could it be because LP would know what was there? (I wouldn't ever ask my kids to go through DH's stuff when he died -- that's weird. I'm also into protecting my kids, and not burdening them while they're grieving.) Also, that means that LP lied as well, but there's not a lot of anger there.

OP here.

Without getting into too much detail, my LP asked me to review certain of my DP's business files. While reviewing the business files, I came across the AP correspondence. I'm certain my LP did not expect the AP correspondence to be mixed in with the business files. I have zero anger toward my LP, who is completely blameless in this situation and I believe was in the dark about the affair's longevity.

My LP is not burdening me at all to ask for help. We are there for each other and I'm happy to do as much as I can during this difficult time.

Having recently cleaned out my parents house after a parents death, it's amazing the stuff I've found. You are a good daughter for being there for your LP during this difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

Agree. Their love and their bad behavior and lies are different things. It's not like they could love only one person at a time. People lie to people they love every day. Be mad at the liar, but no need to question the love.

Please. Most affairs are about sex, not about love.

No most affairs are about selfishness, ego and low self esteem and are most often committed by those with deep rooted issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

Agree. Their love and their bad behavior and lies are different things. It's not like they could love only one person at a time. People lie to people they love every day. Be mad at the liar, but no need to question the love.

Please. Most affairs are about sex, not about love.

No most affairs are about selfishness, ego and low self esteem and are most often committed by those with deep rooted issues.

+ a million

[Anonymous]

Look, having an affair isn't murder for goodness sakes. But the reality it it IS selfish and it DOES cause other people pain. The kind of pain that can last a lifetime.

Sheesh, if you can be so dismissive just be thankful that it never happened to you or that you are made of tougher stuff than OP. No need to sneer and deride.

[Anonymous]

Wow so many nasty commenters here. OP, I’ve not been in your shoes but I can imagine how it feels. You don’t need to have felt your family was perfect in order to feel crushed by this deception. Dishonesty — and not just a one-off, but a chronic ongoing deception — is pretty high on the list of abhorrent human traits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, having an affair isn't murder for goodness sakes. But the reality it it IS selfish and it DOES cause other people pain. The kind of pain that can last a lifetime.

Sheesh, if you can be so dismissive just be thankful that it never happened to you or that you are made of tougher stuff than OP. No need to sneer and deride.

Well, I know someone who was cheated on and caught HPV (from person cheating) and then got cervical cancer, so yeah, it can mean death for some...

I am sorry, OP. That must be really difficult and hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

? None of this has anything to do with "honor" or "cowardice". OP is not owed information about someone else's romantic entanglements, unless it's her spouse's.

You're weird.

OP has the right to know when somebody lies to them. I get it, you are a cheater, and you want to believe your actions do not have consequences. But they do. I'm sorry that your deviant world views have led you to live a life in hiding and full of lies.

People with honor are truthful and only cowards do leave their children, no matter their age, left to find out about their horrible secrets once they have passed... whether it's financial, romantic, or legal.

This is OP.

To be fair to my dead parent (DP), I'm sure they never meant for me to discover the truth. I discovered the affair after my living parent (LP) asked me to go through some of my DP's correspondence for a certain time period and I found a bunch of raunchy/flirty notes that spanned years. I was beyond shocked. And my anger and confusion are distorting the grieving process.

I think my LP knows about only a small portion of the affair and doesn't realize that it went on for years. But I don't know for sure what my LP knows. And I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to be intrusive or, even worse, reveal something that would seriously emotionally harm my LP.

I think you need to reconcile the bolded parts above. Do you think someone is trying not be discovered when they hold onto hard copies of AP’s love letters?

I posted earlier that where is the anger for the LP? If the LP knew, why did LP ask OP to go through the stuff. Could it be because LP would know what was there? (I wouldn't ever ask my kids to go through DH's stuff when he died -- that's weird. I'm also into protecting my kids, and not burdening them while they're grieving.) Also, that means that LP lied as well, but there's not a lot of anger there.

OP here.

Without getting into too much detail, my LP asked me to review certain of my DP's business files. While reviewing the business files, I came across the AP correspondence. I'm certain my LP did not expect the AP correspondence to be mixed in with the business files. I have zero anger toward my LP, who is completely blameless in this situation and I believe was in the dark about the affair's longevity.

My LP is not burdening me at all to ask for help. We are there for each other and I'm happy to do as much as I can during this difficult time.

So, your LP lied and didn’t leave your DP despite knowing about the affair, but you’re only angry at the DP for rocking your view of their marriage?! You also admittedly don’t know what your LP knows? And, you say it’s a difficult time, so your LP did love your DP despite knowing s/he had an affair, if s/he’s grieving. So, why wouldn’t your DP love you and your LP? It’s all awfully convenient for the LP, since the DP can’t speak for himself now.

I’m sure people will accuse me of all sorts of things, but I think if you step back a little you’ll have more peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

? None of this has anything to do with "honor" or "cowardice". OP is not owed information about someone else's romantic entanglements, unless it's her spouse's.

You're weird.

OP has the right to know when somebody lies to them. I get it, you are a cheater, and you want to believe your actions do not have consequences. But they do. I'm sorry that your deviant world views have led you to live a life in hiding and full of lies.

People with honor are truthful and only cowards do leave their children, no matter their age, left to find out about their horrible secrets once they have passed... whether it's financial, romantic, or legal.

This is OP.

To be fair to my dead parent (DP), I'm sure they never meant for me to discover the truth. I discovered the affair after my living parent (LP) asked me to go through some of my DP's correspondence for a certain time period and I found a bunch of raunchy/flirty notes that spanned years. I was beyond shocked. And my anger and confusion are distorting the grieving process.

I think my LP knows about only a small portion of the affair and doesn't realize that it went on for years. But I don't know for sure what my LP knows. And I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to be intrusive or, even worse, reveal something that would seriously emotionally harm my LP.

I think you need to reconcile the bolded parts above. Do you think someone is trying not be discovered when they hold onto hard copies of AP’s love letters?

I posted earlier that where is the anger for the LP? If the LP knew, why did LP ask OP to go through the stuff. Could it be because LP would know what was there? (I wouldn't ever ask my kids to go through DH's stuff when he died -- that's weird. I'm also into protecting my kids, and not burdening them while they're grieving.) Also, that means that LP lied as well, but there's not a lot of anger there.

OP here.

Without getting into too much detail, my LP asked me to review certain of my DP's business files. While reviewing the business files, I came across the AP correspondence. I'm certain my LP did not expect the AP correspondence to be mixed in with the business files. I have zero anger toward my LP, who is completely blameless in this situation and I believe was in the dark about the affair's longevity.

My LP is not burdening me at all to ask for help. We are there for each other and I'm happy to do as much as I can during this difficult time.

OP, I had an affair. I am a parent. Here is my understanding about it:

1. I never stopped loving my kids or my spouse. It was my own unhealthy way to cope with marriage problems I should have dealt with directly.

2. I did love AP and my spouse at the same time. It’s weird but I do think you can love two people in that way at the same time.

3. Nothing else about our family life was a “lie.” Everything that happened actually happened.

[Anonymous]

What does your parents affair have to do with how much they loved you? Are all of your mistakes a reflection of the kind of parent you are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

Agree. Their love and their bad behavior and lies are different things. It's not like they could love only one person at a time. People lie to people they love every day. Be mad at the liar, but no need to question the love.

Please. Most affairs are about sex, not about love.

No most affairs are about selfishness, ego and low self esteem and are most often committed by those with deep rooted issues.

Many are simply just about loneliness.